我的好友数量比任何我认识的人都要多 I have more friends than anyone else I know,
每一天 都有更多的人请求加我好友 and every single day, more people ask to be friends with me.
看着好友申请数量攀升 确实爽歪歪 Seeing that number creep up does make me feel good.
但除了网上的好友 But for all my online friends,
在现实生活中 我只有一个好友 in the real world, I only have one.
-嘿 -嘿 - Hey! - Hey.
你来了 有东西要给你 There you are. Got you something.
这是啥玩意 What is that?
有线座机 It's a landline.
触摸屏出现之前 是按键式电话 Before touchscreens, there was touch-tone.
按键电话之前呢 And before touch-tone,
就是像这样的旋转拨号盘电话 there were rotary phones, like this one.
亨利和我经常待在一起 Henry and I spend a lot of time together,
可是我们从没上过床 and we never have sex.
我们可以说是最符合朋友的定义了 We are, in the truest sense of the word, friends.
这部电话会教会你有耐心 This phone will teach you to be patient.
拨号不快 不能存储号码 It is not fast. It does not store numbers.
所以你得记住一些号码 或者 So you may have to learn some. Or...
可以用这个 you could use one of these.
黄页
瞧 就是因为这些 我们的友谊才如此美妙 See, that's what made our friendship so great.
亨利总是在教我 Henry was always teaching me stuff,
我总是让他教我 and I was always letting him.
因此我以为 我们之间不会有他人插足 That's why I thought nothing could come between us.
-嗨 -嗨 - Hi. - Hi.
-他办公室的门关了 -我看到了 - His door's closed. - I see that.
我正要打开呢 I'm about to open it.
不不不 No, no, no.
他特意关上的 不能打开 Uh, it's intentionally closed. It's staying closed.
这话什么意思 What's that supposed to mean?
他在里面跟某个人一起 Well, he's in there with someone
不想被打扰 and doesn't want to be disturbed.
得了吧 Shut up.
说真的 伊莉莎 I'm serious, Eliza.
他让我来确保没人打扰他 He asked me to make sure no one bothers him.
里面是谁 Who's in there?
我无权透... I'm not at liberty to --
-萨珀斯坦吗 -不是 - Is it Saperstein? - No.
-琼 -不是 - Joan? - No.
拉里 琳达 Is it Larry, Linda?
不是 不是 No. No.
是奥巴马吗 Is it Obama?
不是 No.
是托贝·马奎尔[演员]吗 Is it Tobey Maguire?
不是 No.
-是托贝·马奎尔吗 你个小婊砸 -不是 - Is it Tobey Maguire, you little bitch?! - No.
不是 No.
茱莉亚 这是我的... 同事 Julia, this is my... contemporary,
伊莉莎 Eliza.
伊莉莎 这位是茱莉亚 Eliza, I present, for your consideration, Julia,
我正在追求的淑女 the gentlewoman I'm courting.
什么 What?
亨利 谢谢你 Henry, thank you
跟我的愉快谈话 和酸橙水 for the enjoyable conversation and the lime-infused water.
不 应该谢谢你大费周章 No, thank you for making the schlep
带来的咖喱鸡肉沙拉 and providing the curried chicken salad.
亨利 Henry?
你在跟那个小不点女子秘密约会吗 Are you low-key dating that tiny woman?
事情的确正在朝这个方向飞速发展 所以 Well, increasingly, things are moving in that direction, so...
我只能承认了 I would have to say yes.
正式承认了 是的 Officially, yes, I am.
谢谢 查理 Thank you, Charlie.
* I'm looking at me *
本字幕首发于字幕组网站 www.ZiMuZu.tv 欢迎交流
* Hey, look, it's me *
本字幕首发于字幕组网站 www.ZiMuZu.tv 欢迎交流
翻译/校对 TanKnoX 圈圈
* Not to make it all me *
时间轴 Poxle
* Funny thing about me *
后期 吉吉
总监 TanKnoX
* Is while I'm looking at me-e-e-e-e *
总监 TanKnoX
* I'm hoping to find you *
再造淑女
第一季 第七集
有什么问题吗 What seems to be the problem?
什么 不 没事 What? No, it's not a -- nothing.
只是 很奇怪你竟然没告诉我 It's just -- it's weird that you didn't tell me
你已经开始跟别人正式约会了 that you officially started dating someone.
我们差不多六秒前才正式确认的 We just became official like six seconds ago.
是啊 可如果我不问的话 Yeah, but if I hadn't have asked,
你就不会告诉我了 you wouldn't have told me.
-所以呢 -所以 - So? - So?
我跟弗雷迪的情事 我可一字不落地都告诉你了 I tell you every single detail about my love life with Freddy.
我可是特别急切地想改掉你这个习惯 That is a habit I'm desperately trying to break you of.
可别忘了 当初是你 Lest we not forget, you were the one
因为我没有女朋友而对我百般刁难的 who was giving me grief about not getting any.
我以为你会为我高兴的 I thought you'd be happy for me.
但可笑的是 她们从来不会为你高兴 But, funnily enough, they never are.
一般我不喜欢一棒子打死 但我还是要说 Now, I typically don't like to generalize, but I will say,
除了菲利西亚·拉斯海德[女演员]之外 with the exception of Phylicia Rashad,
那次滞留在奥黑尔机场时我跟她聊过几句 whom I once chatted with on a layover at O'hare airport,
所有的女人都是感情丰富 all women are highly emotional
醋意十足的生物 and deeply jealous creatures.
朱莉亚看上去可不是... Julia doesn't seem to be that --
看上去不是 Uh, doesn't seem to be.
告诉你 我跟她真的非常合得来 I'm telling you, the two of us are really simpatico,
比我约会过的其他人都要合得来 more so than anyone else I've ever dated.
我们都爱好干净整洁 但却不过度粉饰 We're both well-groomed, but not overly ornate.
我们也都不会强迫自己用无意义的聊天打破沉默 Neither of us feel compelled to fill every silence with mindless chatter.
但当真正聊起来时 And when we do make conversation,
我们总是想法一致 we always see eye-to-eye.
牵手还是勾手指 Holding hands or locking pinkies?
勾手指 Locking pinkies.
抓紧机会好好享受勾手指吧 Well, enjoy the pinky-holding while it lasts
要是茱莉亚听到了风声 because when Julia catches wind of how much time
知道了你经常跟伊莉莎在一起 you're spending with Eliza,
她就会感到自己受到了威胁 变得超级诡异 She's gonna get all weird and threatened.
然后... 等等 Just -- oh, hold on.
嗨 亲爱的 Hey, there, lover.
不 我跟亨利在一起 No, I'm with Henry.
真的 Yes, I am.
好 我现在就让他跟你说话 All right, I'll put him on right now.
亨利 跟我老婆打个招呼吧 Henry, say hi to my wife.
-不不不 -让他听到你的声音就行 - No, no, no. - Just let her hear your voice!
嗨 南希 我是亨利 Hi, Nancy. It's Henry.
不 不是拉里在学我说话 No, it's not Larry doing a voice.
-真的是我 -很好 - It's really me. - Good, good.
天呐 他在跟别人约会 Oh, God, just because he's dating someone else
并不意味着我们之间的关系会有所改变 does not mean things between us will change.
不可能的 是我想太多了 No way -- I'm just being paranoid.
你没有想太多 You're not being paranoid.
你还记得我读书俱乐部的西斯托尔吗 You remember Thistle from my book club?
我们以前可是亲到不行的闺蜜 She and I were hard-core bffs.
我们曾一起做黄桃罐头 We canned peaches together,
#本地 #有机
一起怀旧读朱迪·布鲁姆的书 nostalgia-read Judy Blume books together.
#永远的布鲁姆
甚至大姨妈都一起来 We were even on the same menstrual cycle.
#第一次大姨妈
可后来 她开始跟巴尔萨泽约会 But then she started dating Balthazar
#帅哥
又在他的犹太克莱兹默乐队唱和声 and singing backup in his Ashkenazi Klezmer band,
#永远克莱兹
就这样 我们的友谊走到了尽头 and just like that, our friendship was over.
#孤身一人
幸好亨利不听克莱兹默音乐 Well, luckily, Henry doesn't listen to Klezmer.
不 不是因为克莱兹默 Oh, no. It wasn't the Klezmer.
是因为巴尔萨泽 It was Balthazar.
他觉得我们的关系影响到了他 He felt threatened by our friendship.
西斯托尔也知道我不喜欢他 And Thistle knew I didn't like him,
所以我们俩之间就有了隔阂 which drove a wedge between us.
如果我当时能支持他们在一起 If I had just been more supportive of him,
也许现在我跟她还能是朋友 maybe I'd still be friends with her.
我们需要谈谈 We need to talk.
抱歉我做出那样的反应 I'm sorry for how I reacted.
抱歉我那么突然地告诉你茱莉亚的事情 I'm sorry I sprung this Julia news on you.
但我仔细想过了 But I've thought about it,
我非常支持你们 and I want to be super-supportive.
我希望你能支持 I hope you can be super-supportive
因为我真的很喜欢茱莉亚 Because I really do like Julia.
我知道 我知道 我也在跟人约会 I get it. I get it. And I'm dating someone, too.
-嗨 弗雷迪 -嘿 - Hi, Freddy. - Hey.
虽然他只是个工具 我也努力鼓励你们在一起 Even though he's a tool, I try to be encouraging.
我也会同样对待你小巧 无菌 As I will be of your tiny, sterile,
玲珑的口袋男人婆 micro, pocket lady-boy.
听着 至于我们的友谊 Listen, and as far as our friendship goes --
不必有任何变化 我完全同意 Nothing has to change. I completely agree.
我本来想说 我们也许应该做一些调整 I was gonna say we should probably make some modifications.
什么样的调整 What kind of modifications?
也许我们不需要那么多的培训时间了 Well, we probably don't need quite as many work sessions,
因为你最近表现得非常不错 since you've been doing so well recently.
瞎说什么呢 Uh, what are you talking about?
昨天琳达过生日 Yesterday was Linda's birthday,
我没有在卡片上签名 因为我的指甲油没干 And I didn't sign her card because my nails were wet.
我表现得并不好 真的不好 I'm not doing well. I'm just -- I'm not.
在这呢 我们的头号销售代表 There she is! There's our number-one sales rep.
我的小流星 My little shooting star!
我吗 不不不 Me? No, no, no, no.
我上班经常迟到 I am consistently late to work.
有时我还拿私人花费的发票去报销 And sometimes I turn in receipts for personal expenses.
你知道还有谁喜欢破坏规矩吗 Well, you know who else was a bit of a rule-breaker?
哈丽特·塔布曼[废奴主义者] Harriet Tubman.
跟你一样 她也有很多追随者[粉丝] Like you, she had a -- she had a lot of followers.
很多追随者 Yeah, a lot of followers.
你有多少粉丝来着 How many followers would you say you have?
所有社交平台加起来吗 Um, across all platforms?
-差不多三十万吧 老板 -哇 - Roughly 300,000, sir. - Wow.
那 那要比塔布曼多多了 That's -- that's significantly more than Tubman.
不过话说回来 Although, to be fair,
她要处理的事情的确... she did have a lot more on her plate than, uh...
比你多 you do.
你愿不愿意作为我们主题演讲者的介绍人 How would you like to introduce our keynote speaker
出席下周的医药大会 at the pharmaceutical conference next week?
我吗 Me?
我们需要一些明星的力量 We could use a little star power.
我可以毫不畏惧地告诉你 And I'm not afraid to tell you
去年的医药大会 琼简直弱爆了 Joan sucked the life out of pharmaceuti-con last year.
今年 But this year,
我真的很想吸引观众的目光 I really want to grab people's attention.
你意下如何 So, what do you say?
你愿意登上舞台 Will you get up there
让金德凯制药为你骄傲吗 and make Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals proud?
-万分荣幸 老板 -太棒了 - I'd be honored, sir. - Great.
我相信有亨利在我身边... And I'm sure with Henry by my side...
必能无往不胜 I can't lose.
我以为咱们要一起吃午饭的 跟以往一样 I thought we were gonna eat lunch together, like always.
抱歉 我答应了茱莉亚 I'm sorry. I promised Julia.
亨利 眼下这会儿可不适合陪茱莉亚 Henry, this isn't a good time for Julia.
马上就要开医药大会了 I have pharmaceuti-con coming up,
我需要你帮忙准备主题演讲 and I need your help preparing for the keynote speech.
伊莉莎 你只是介绍人 不用演讲 Eliza, you are introducing the speech, not giving it.
你只需要说 "有请这个人" All you got to say is, "Here's this guy."
要是你能记住他的名字 那就更好了 And if you can remember his name, all the better.
所以 So...
-你不帮我了吗 -我刚刚帮过了 - You're not gonna help me? - I just did!
我的头发怎么样 How's my hair?
-很黑 一如既往 -谢谢 - Black. Same as always. - Thank you.
你要是想在我办公室里吃午饭 请便 Hey, if you want to eat lunch in my office, you're welcome to.
那是什么意思 What's that supposed to mean?
我觉得他的意思是 你可以在他办公室里吃午饭 I think he just means that it's okay to eat in his office,
虽然他并不会在办公室里 even though he's not gonna be in there.
你不觉得这很怪异吗 And you don't think that's weird?
他要去跟新女友吃午饭 I mean, he's on his way to eat lunch with his new girlfriend,
却让我在他办公室里吃 拜托醒醒吧 and he's telling me to eat in his office? Hello!
好吧 我猜 Okay, I'm surmising
你是担心亨利现在在约会... that you're worried now that Henry's dating...
那个不能说出名字的神秘女人 Ooh! She whose name shall not be spoken.
茱莉亚 ...Julia...
他就不再需要你了 that he won't want you in his life anymore.
我知道 可能是我多虑了 I know I'm probably just being paranoid.
不 你没有多虑 No, you're not being paranoid.
故事基本上就是这个套路 除非 That's pretty much the script, unless...
你来个大翻盘 you do something to flip it.
我试过 支持他们 Well, I tried being, like, supportive.
不不不不不 Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
我可不是让你支持 I'm not talking about being supportive.
玛菲特小姐需要意识到你的存在 Little Miss Muffet needs to recognize.
儿歌中的人物
你需要学学我 多年前 Now, what you need to do is the same thing I did
我城市联盟里的女发型师 when this lady from my urban league who does hair
想要偷走我的闺蜜卡米拉 was trying to steal my best friend, Camilla.
你做了什么 What did you do?
我拿下了那个小婊砸 I took the bitch down.
伊莉莎·杜丽
看这张照片 Look at this profile pic.
有品位 够端庄 Ugh. That is tasteful and demure.
还有这些评论 And these reviews...
多年被误诊之后 "After years of being misdiagnosed,
茱莉亚医生诊断出了 "Dr. Julia honed in on the true cause
我儿子神经源性膀胱病的真正病因 "of my son's neurogenic bladder disorder.
多亏了茱莉亚医生 楚门现在可以自由地撒尿了 "Thanks to Dr. Julia, Truman is now peeing freely."
你真棒 楚门 Oh, way to go, Truman.
好吧 好吧 Okay. Okay. Okay.
其他病人可不全都是楚门啊 But they're not all Trumans.
看看这里 I mean, look right here.
等待的时间比想象中的要久 "Wait time was a little longer than expected."
但那是因为茱莉亚医生 "But only because Dr. Julia was performing
正在实施紧急尿道重建手术 "Emergency urethral reconstructive surgery"?
茱医生是个英雄 "Dr. J is a hero."
好吧 可是 Okay, but...
我竟然无言以对 I got nothing.
既然找不到茱莉亚性格上有什么明显漏洞 Since I couldn't find a visible hole in Julia's character,
我决定自己戳一个洞出来 I decided to poke one.
下午茶呀 Mmm! Tea time!
我不需要 不要介意哦 Don't mind if I don't.
什么 你不想喝茶 What? You don't want tea?
你没有必要明确说出自己不需要什么 There's no need to specify that you don't want something,
尤其是也没人主动问你呀 particularly if it hasn't been offered.
记住了 格雷伯爵小茶哥 Duly noted, Earl Grey.
好吧 你举止很怪异啊 Okay, you're acting weird.
我怪异 I'm being weird?
对尿情有独钟的又不是我 I'm not the one who loves urine.
你说什么 What did you say?
小孩的尿 那不是你那位新女友的最爱吗 Baby urine. Isn't that your new lady's fave?
她的最爱 Her fave?
茱莉亚是儿科泌尿医生 Julia's a pediatric urologist.
跟我说的一样啊 Like I said.
泌尿学不是研究尿 Urology is not the study of urine.
研究的是人的泌尿系统 It is the study of the urinary-tract system,
包括肾脏 肾上腺 膀胱 which includes the kidneys, the adrenal glands, the bladder,
以及男性生殖器官 as well as the male reproductive organs.
好吧 喂 呼叫丁丁医生 Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Peen.
她是小儿泌尿科医生 She's a pediatric urologist.
呼叫小男孩丁丁医生 真不好意思 Oh, hello. Paging Dr. Baby-peen. So sorry.
你真是太幼稚了 Okay, you are being incredibly juvenile.
亨利 拜托 拜托 Henry, come on. Come on.
你今晚还会来我家的对吧 You're still coming over tonight, right,
来帮我准备那个主题演讲什么的 to help me with the keynote thingy?
亨利 Henry?
如果你要准备炖小羊腿和调味蔬菜 So, I'll start on the risotto if you want to prep
那我就开始做意大利调味饭 the lamb shanks and mirepoix for braising.
炖菜对吧 Braise, huh?
话说... 做炖菜大约需要多久 What is the E.T.A. on a braise?
你还要去什么地方吗 Do you have somewhere to be?
不是马上去 但是晚些时候我确实有点 Uh, not immediately, but I may have this one work thing
-工作上的事要处理 -没事 - to take care of later tonight. - Fine.
如果有事 你可以尽管直说 If it's not fine, you can say so.
或许我可以推掉 I can probably blow it off.
不 Oh, no.
抱歉我的语气有些严厉 亨利 I'm sorry if I sound punishing, Henry.
但我的默认语调就是这样 That's my default cadence.
真的没事 我没生气 It's fine. Sincerely, I'm not mad.
说实话 我今天工作上有点不顺心 Truth told, I had a... rough day at work.
很遗憾 你想跟我聊聊吗 Oh, I'm sorry. You want to talk about it?
有些笨蛋在网上留言 Some idiot left a bunch of negative feedback
-攻击我 -什么 - about me online. - What?
他们一直说我拿到的是尿科 They kept insisting that I got my "Peen-hd"
丁丁博士学位 in "Urinology."
你听到过如此荒谬无知的评论吗 Have you ever heard of something so incredibly ignorant?
很不幸 我听到过 Unfortunately, I have.
* Sha-la-la-la-la *
* It's not the way you smile that touched my heart *
我好像被放鸽子了 I think I was being stood up.
以前我从未被人放过鸽子 I'd never actually been stood up before,
所以我也不是很确定 so I wasn't totally sure.
* ...That tears me apart *
* Whoa *
* Many nights, many nights roll by *
我检查了所有电话 I checked all my phones to make sure
确保它们没坏掉 they were in working order.
没坏掉 They were.
喂 喂 Hello? Hello?
喂 我在跟自己说话 Hello. I'm talking to myself.
我在跟自己说话 I'm talking to myself.
所以我就坐在电话旁 等亨利打给我 So I sat by the phone waiting for Henry to call.
* Baby, it's you *
但是他没有 But he didn't.
亨利 Henry?
有啊 我有三分钟时间 Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, I do have three minutes
来回答关于我用水量的几个小问题 to answer a few short questions about my water usage.
当... Abso--
我得挂了 Uh, I got to go.
太棒了 Yes!
-我就知道你会来 -先别急着高兴 - I knew you'd come. - Hold your mirth.
我来这里只有一个原因 I'm here for one reason, and one reason only.
帮我学习如何介绍演讲人对吗 To help me learn to say "Here's this guy"? Huh?
你怎么能在网上留言攻击茱莉亚呢 How could you have left those negative reviews of Julia online?
你是在破坏别人的事业 为什么 That is a career you're messing with, and why?
因为你无法忍受除你之外的其他人吸引我的注意力 Because you can't stand anyone but you soaking up my attention.
你又不是太阳 伊莉莎 You are not the sun, Eliza.
世界不围着你转 The world does not revolve around you.
说得对 You're right.
我觉得自己就是太阳 I think I'm the sun.
可是很明显你觉得我不是 And I hear from your tone that I'm not.
重点是 除非我们弄明白谁是太阳 Point bees, until we figure out who the sun is,
不如我们还是回到以前 maybe we need to go back to meeting
一周见面一到三次吧 like one to three times per week.
你确实需要帮助 You do need help.
但是我不会帮你了 But you're not gonna get it from me.
我们到此为止吧 I think we're done here.
等等 是这次谈话还是我们的关系到此为止啊 Wait -- done with our conversation, or done with this friendship?
亨利 你说清楚啊 Henry, just clarify!
亨利把我甩了 Henry had dumped me.
我正式没朋友了 I was legit friendless
我真为我自己感到难过 and feeling so-cal sorry for myself.
#是真的难过# #thestruggleisreal.
哔哔 Beep, beep.
借过一下 Excuse us.
哇塞 Wow.
你们知道吗 You know something?
从来没人给我做过蛋糕 No one has ever baked me a cake.
现在是我离有人给我做蛋糕 This is the closest I've ever come to someone
最接近的情况 baking me a cake --
站在一个为别人做的蛋糕旁边 Standing near a cake that was baked for someone else.
而我又失去了有史以来自己唯一真正的朋友 And now that I've lost the only real friend I ever had,
将来都不会有人给我做蛋糕了吧 I'm guessing my future is gonna be pretty cake-less.
不会有蛋糕的将来 两位 Pretty cake-less, you guys.
抱歉 能让我们过去吗 Sorry, can you move?
我们得赶快把这个蛋糕给巴尔萨泽 We need to get this cake to Balthazar
否则方旦糖就要化掉了 before the fondant starts to sweat.
你们给巴尔萨泽做了个蛋糕 You baked a cake for Balthazar?
我还以为你们都讨厌巴尔萨泽呢 I thought you guys hated Balthazar.
是的 但是我们想西斯托尔了 We do. But we miss Thistle.
所以我们把这个蛋糕当做橄榄枝 So we're bringing this as an olive branch.
世界上没什么是一个松软的蛋糕无法治愈的... There's nothing in the world a moist cake can't cure...
除了酗酒 except alcoholism.
我们先走了 Have a great one.
所以我意识到... And that's when I realized...
既然世界上除了酗酒之外 Since there's nothing in the world,
没有什么是一个松软的蛋糕无法治愈的 besides alcoholism, that a moist cake can't cure,
所以我就想给茱莉亚做个蛋糕 I thought I'd bake one for Julia
来告诉她我尊重她的职业 to show that I do respect her profession
现在我也知道前列腺在哪里了 and that I now know where the prostate is.
就是这里 Dernk!
看起来很好吃的样子 Oh. Looks delicious.
给我留块膀胱吃呗 Save me a slice of the bladder.
没问题... Will do...
但前提是你假装是我妈妈打电话到茱莉亚办公室 if you will call Julia's office, pretend to be my mother,
试试能不能让我插个队 and see if you can get her to squeeze me in
今天下午去预约见她 for an appointment this afternoon.
-不行 -但是如果我跟茱莉亚和好 - No. - But if I make nice with Julia,
可能她就会让我跟亨利继续做朋友了 maybe she'll let me stay friends with Henry.
不行 No.
拜托拜托 Please?
不行 No.
你本来就是个当妈的 而且很擅长打电话 Look, you're already a mom, and you give good phone.
对你来说小菜一碟 This will be easy for you.
喂 我想帮一个 Hello, I'd like to make an appointment
拿着前列腺蛋糕的白人成年女士预约 for an adult white lady carrying a prostate cake.
好 三点一刻没问题 Yes, 3:15's fine.
你们有人有《时尚》少女版之类的书吗 Does one of you have a teen Vogue or something?
《家政》杂志我都不嫌弃哦 I'd even take a Good Housekeeping at this point.
各位妈妈 Moms?
那本是我最喜欢的 That one's my favorite.
《勇敢的小猫咪》 "The Courageous Kitty"?
它怎么勇敢了 What's so courageous about her?
它是跟自己父母出柜了吗 Did she come out to her parents? Huh?
故事是讲一只害怕的小猫咪 It's about a scared little kitty
它觉得自己无法过河 who doesn't think she can cross the river
-去参加第一场表演 -什么 - to get to her first rodeo. - What?
但是它一直坚信自己 But she just keeps believing in herself.
然后它意识到自己能做到 And she realizes that she can make it.
然后它就真的做到了 And then she does make it.
它还在船上待了九... And she stays on the boat for nine --
这就是你最喜欢的书吗 This is your favorite book?
然后我意识到 Then I realized --
这个小女孩 That little girl
虽然文学品味很差 with the terrible taste in literature
但是她出现是有原因的 was there for a reason.
我嘘嘘的时候好疼 It burns when I oopsy.
好吧 两个原因 Okay, two reasons.
第二个原因就是来帮我找到自信 And the second one was to help me believe in myself.
我不用卑躬屈膝去求人 I don't need to grovel or beg.
我就是那只勇敢的猫咪 而且我更性感 I'm the courageous kitty, but hotter.
而且我靠自己完全可以搞定医药大会 And I can handle pharmaceuti-con all on my own.
快看病人给我做的蛋糕 Look at this cake one of my patients made me.
哇塞 Wow!
这是孩子做的吗 A child made that?
对 而且这个孩子 Yes, a child with a very thorough
对人体泌尿系统非常熟悉 understanding of the urological system.
是啊 Yeah.
伊莉莎·杜丽送
你要不要来一块泌尿管吃 May I offer you a piece of the urethra?
不了 No.
易激肠部分呢 Irritable bowel?
还是说你 你被激怒了 Oh...or just irritable?
我没有不开心 我没事 I'm not irritable. I-I-I'm fine.
我没事 I'm fine.
哇 好好吃 Mmm! This is good!
《超感警探》第三季季终 我们快去看吧 Season 3 "Mentalist" finale. Let's do it.
亨利 Henry...
不用有超感 One needn't be the mentalist
我也能看出来你有烦心事 to see that something is bothering you.
好吧 很抱歉 Okay, I'm sorry.
就是... It's just, um...
你记得我介绍给你的那个同事吗 Do you know that contemporary of mine I introduced you to?
那个高个红发美女 我记得 The jolly ginger giantess. Yes, I remember.
她个子真是太高了 真的 Ooh, she was a skyscraper, she was.
对 Right.
其实她不止是我的同事 The thing is, she's more than a contemporary.
她更像我的朋友 She's more like a friend.
其实我们俩走得挺近的 The two of us are pretty close, actually.
然后呢 And?
还有... And...
伊莉莎 Eliza...
她今晚要参加一个大型活动 通常 She has a big event tonight, and it is the kind of thing
这种情况下 that I would normally
我会去支持她给她加油打气的 be there for to offer her support.
但是我不想... But I didn't --
我不想让这个让我们之间产生误会 I didn't want it to be an issue between us.
为什么会产生误会 Well, why would it be an issue?
我对自己有充分的自信 I'm a self-assured woman.
我当然希望你有自己的女性朋友 Of course I expect you to have female friends.
我自己也有一群男性朋友 I myself have throngs of male cohorts.
所以你不会介意我去... So you don't mind if I --
一群 Throngs?
你说的一群是有多少 What -- what -- what constitutes a throng?
就介于一小群和一大群之间吧 Oh, more than a gaggle, less than a swarm.
快去帮你的大个儿朋友吧 我没问题的 Go help your normous friend. It's no problemo.
我不会生气 I won't have a cow.
《超感警探》和我会在这等着你 "The Mentalist" and I will be here
回来一起看 waiting for you when you get back.
你简直就是菲利西亚·拉斯海德 You are Phylicia Rashad.
经常有人这么说我 I get that a lot.
女士们先生们 欢迎大家 Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you
来参加金德凯制药 to Kinderkare Pharmaceuticals'
迈入儿童药品领域庆祝大会 strides in children's medicine symposium.
医药大会 主题演讲介绍人 伊莉莎·杜丽
接下来有请主题演讲介绍人 Now, here to introduce our keynote speaker,
-伊莉莎·杜丽小姐 -我踏上主持台时意识到了 - Ms. Eliza Dooley. - As I stepped onto the stage, it hit me.
现在只能靠自己了 I was on my own.
真不敢相信我唯一的朋友 I couldn't believe that my only friend
竟然错过了我要介绍的这个人的 was missing the most important moment
生命中最重要的时刻 in the guy I was introducing's life.
她上台了 上台了 There she is. There she is.
谢谢大家 Thank you.
下面有请发言人 And now this guy.
谢谢大家 Thank you.
如钻石般闪耀 Shine bright like a diamond.
奥斯卡·纳格瓦利博士
非常感谢大家 Thank you so much.
谢谢 女士们先生们 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
我成功了 I had killed it,
但是不论有多少人申请加我好友 but no amount of new friend requests
都不能取代现实生活中 could replace the one person
那一个跟我解除好友关系的人 who had unfriended me in real life.
我就说你没问题的 Told you you could do it.
你来了啊 Hey. You showed up.
你不是说我不需要你了吗 And what happened to me not needing you anymore?
开什么玩笑 Are you kidding?
因为你刚涂了指甲油 You didn't sign Linda's birthday card
所以你都没在琳达的生日贺卡上签名 because your nails were wet.
你上班迟到和骗公司钱用的事呢 What about the tardiness and the petty-cash fraud?
还有你竟然在工作备忘录中使用表情符号 Not to mention your tendency to use emojis in work memos.
-还对小孩子没礼貌 -说什么呢 - Your rudeness to children. - Hey.
还一直嚼口香糖 Constant gum-chewing.
还有我给你的那部有线电话 And that landline I gave you,
应该有至少24小时听筒没挂到电话上了吧 which has been off the hook for at least 24 hours.
天哪 不好意思 Oh, God. I'm sorry.
来吧 Come on.
谢谢 Thank you.
我听说有人嘘嘘的时候疼疼呢 I heard someone in here has a burning pee-pee!
你不是小孩子 You're not a child.
但是我的行为很像 But I acted like one.
是亨利让你来的吗 Did Henry send you?
不是 No.
我想为写下那些白痴评论向你道歉 I want to apologize for writing those stupid reviews.
这个啊 谢谢 Well...Thank you.
我要向你弥补 And I'm gonna make it up to you
我再去给你评论 by writing a new one that says
就说你治好了我嘘嘘的问题 you reconstructed my oopsy
而且把自己的肾给了我一个 and gave me one of your kidneys.
别这样做 拜托 Please, don't do that.
任何虚假评论都是严重违反... False reviews of any kind are a strict breach of --
即使评论是 Even if they come from
南膀胱福尼亚泌尿大学写的吗 the Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia?
尤其是评论是 Especially if they come from
南膀胱福尼亚泌尿大学写的 the Urine-versity of Southern Bladderfornia.
先失陪了 Now, if you will excuse me,
我得去看真正的病人了 I have some actual patients to see.
好 Yeah.
拜拜 Bye.
这时候我意识到 And that's when I realized --
我和茱莉亚可能永远都成不了朋友 Julia and I may never be friends,
但至少我比她个子高点儿[更成熟] but at least I was the bigger person.