从小到大 我都把生日 Growing up, I saw birthdays
当作是跟朋友派对的日子 as a chance to party with my friends.
至少 是跟我唯一的朋友 or at the least, the one friend
我妈妈雇来的 而且还是个小丑 who my mom hired, who happened to be a clown.
但现在 我就像喝醉了的瑞西·威瑟斯彭[演员]一样狂欢 Nowadays, I party like a drunk Reese Witherspoon.
我是美国公民 I am an American citizen,
我现在在美国领土上 and I am on U.S. soil!
不幸的是 并非所有人都把生活当派对 Unfortunately, not everyone thinks life is a party,
这里的并非所有人 是指亨利 and by "Not everyone," I mean Henry.
手机是手的延伸 The cellphone is an extension of the hand.
事实上 手机设备的表面 In fact, the very surface of your cellular device
有上千种病菌 微生物和细菌 is home to thousands of germs, microbes, and bacteria,
能引发各种疾病 capable of causing everything from
肺炎 白喉 甚至可能引起... pneumonia to diphtheria and quite possibly --
艾滋病 Aids!
没有艾滋病 N-no, not aids.
埃博拉 Ebola?
我主要就担心这两个 Those are the two I'm mainly worried about.
查理 我会朝你喷防狼喷雾的 Charlie, I will not hesitate to mace you!
闪开 Move!
-查理 -抱歉先生 - Charlie! - I'm sorry, sir.
她比我壮太多 She's way stronger than me.
是的 有什么需要帮忙的 Yeah, she is. How can I help you?
你非常清楚我是来执行公务的 You know damn well I'm here on official company business.
赶紧解决了吧 Let's just get it over with.
别生我的气 Don't be mad at me.
规矩不是我定的 I didn't come up with the policy.
-我也不需要附带你的说教 -好吧 - I don't also need a lecture! - Fine.
-准备好了吗 -好了 - Ready? - I'm ready.
开始吧 Go.
* Happy Birthday to you *
你过生日啊 It's your birthday?!
* Happy Birthday dear Henry-y-y-y *
* Happy Birthday to you *
周六才是我生日 Saturday is my birthday.
政策规定《生日快乐》歌 Policy dictates that the "Happy Birthday" song
必须在生日当天或之前执行 must be administered on or before the employee's date of birth,
我周六不上班 所以 and I don't work on Saturdays, so...
谢谢 夏莫妮卡 你的任务完成了 Thank you, Charmonique. I have been served.
现在不好意思 Now, if you'll excuse us,
我跟伊莉莎去研发部开会要晚了 Eliza and I are late for a meeting with R&D.
不好意思 我只是不喜欢被庆祝 I'm sorry. I just don't enjoy being celebrated.
你生日恰好在周末 Your birthday lands on a weekend?
简直是我的梦想成真了啊 You're basically living my dream.
我下个生日是在该死的星期二 My next b-day falls on stupid Tuesday.
不要黑星期二 Don't disparage Tuesdays.
星期二跟你什么仇什么怨 Tuesdays have done nothing to you.
那你要怎么庆祝呢 So, what are you gonna do to celebrate?
不太确定 I'm not entirely sure.
茱莉亚跟我可能会去吃饭 Julia and I may grab dinner.
此外 我希望能彻底清洁一下车库 Other than that, I was hoping to power-wash my carport,
可能还会看完那部讲小房子的纪录片 maybe finish this documentary on tiny houses.
-你被谁糟践了 -什么 - Who wronged you? - What?
为什么你是这个样子 Why are you the way you are?
在这呢 小寿星 There he is! Birthday boy!
给你准备了点东西 不许躲哦 Got you something. Don't try to dodge it.
别想给我躲 Don't you dare try and dodge it!
他想躲 他想躲 He's dodging it! He's a dodg-- whoa!
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寿星呢 Birthday boy?
不知道 老板 No idea, sir.
真是越长大越狡猾了 He's getting wilier with age.
我很欣赏 I do admire that.
一定要交到他手上 See that he gets that.
你就只是为了躲着给你送礼物的人 All this just to avoid people giving you gifts?
礼物的内容都很主观 What constitutes a gift is entirely subjective.
根据我的经验 同事一般有两种选择 In my experience, co-workers alternate
要么是没有人情的便宜货 between cheap, impersonal items like this partially used
比如拉里送的这张二手巴里肉店礼品卡 Barry's brisket gift card from Larry
要么就是没有人情的奢华物件 and lavish, impersonal items like this...
比如萨珀斯坦送的濒危象牙开信刀 Endangered ivory-tusk letter opener from Saperstein.
亨利 这几周以来 你一直教育我 Henry, you have spent weeks impressing upon me
礼貌和社交礼仪的重要性 the importance of good manners and social grace.
所以我一定也要给你送礼物 There's no way I'm not getting you a birthday present.
好吧 Fair enough.
那我要给你布置任务 必须找到有人情味 Then I task you with finding something personal --
有意义却不过分张扬的东西 meaningful, yet modest.
好 不过 Fine. But, um...
那张巴里肉店礼品卡能给我吗 Can I cop that barry's brisket gift card?
我饿到不行了 可是还没到中午 Because I am hella hangry, and it's, like, not even noon.
-拿去吧 -谢谢 - Go ahead. - Thank you.
你们觉得亨利会更喜欢哪个 What do you guys think Henry would love more --
泰普尔牌的枕头 还是写着"我是当真的"杯子 A tempur-pedic pillow or a mug that says "I mean business!"?
-杯子 -听起来都挺糟糕 - Mug. - They both sound terrible.
他说要不过分张扬 却有意义 He says he wants something modest, yet meaningful.
那我怎么办 What am I supposed to do --
把凯特·布兰切特[演员]抓来包上送给他吗 Capture and gift wrap Cate Blanchett?
你知道我一直都想抓谁吗 Oh, you know who I've always wanted to capture?
克里夫·欧文[演员] Clive Owen.
我真的觉得他太棒了 I just think he's great.
不过他不是什么事情都要掺和一脚吗 Yeah, but isn't he kind of Clive Owen in everything?
这可不公平 Oh, that's not fair.
别跑题好吗 赶紧想 Can we focus, please? Let's think.
亨利没有什么 What's something henry doesn't have?
乐趣 Fun.
等等 你的幽默吐槽里还是有些真知的 Wait, there's some truth in your hilarious burn.
给他办个派对怎么样 What about a party?
我可以亨利办一个有趣的派对 I could throw Henry a fun party
有蛋糕 白虎... with a cake and white tigers --
我加入 我加入 不许反悔 I'm in! I'm in! I-I'm coming -- no take-backs!
不好说 I don't know.
亨利看起来可不像是喜欢"有趣派对"的人 Henry doesn't seem like the "Fun party" kind of guy.
他更像是那种 He seems more like the
"有趣派对提前离场只为避开车流"的人 "leave the fun party early to avoid traffic" kind of guy.
不要再说大实话了 Stop saying things that are true!
话说回来 这个你们谁想要 Sidebar -- does anyone want this?
我是认真的
老天爷啊 Oh, dear God!
我以为是一只负鼠 I thought you were a possum!
并不是 I'm not.
你在外面干什么 What are you doing out there?!
-等到午夜 -午夜怎么了 - Waiting till midnight. - What at midnight?
你生日呀 傻瓜 Your birthday, dummy.
开门 Open up.
-天 -等等 等等 等等 - Geez! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, waiting.
好了 打开吧 Okay, now. Open up.
两张蓝调旅者演唱会门票 Two tickets to Blues Traveler.
吓到无言以对 Stunned silence.
眼睛已被闪瞎 Partially blind.
蓝调旅者是你最喜欢的乐队 对吧 Blues Traveler's your favorite band, right?
严格来说 我在约翰·波普尔[乐队成员]粉丝军的 Technically, my membership to the John Popper army
会员身份20年前就过期了 expired 20 years ago.
不过 我以前确实挺喜欢他们 But, uh, I did used to love them.
等等 你怎么知道的 Wait, how did you know?
我找出了你毕业班里的每一个人 I just stalked every single person in your graduating class,
看了他们的脸书照片 scoured all their individual Facebook photos
终于发现1994年的一张 until I found one from 1994
你出现在了照片背景中 that you could been seen in the background of,
梳个小鞭子 穿着蓝调旅者T恤 sporting a nasty, little rat tail and a Blues Traveler T-shirt.
90年代那种打扮是可以接受的 In the '90s, that was an acceptable look.
谢谢 伊莉莎 做得不错 Thank you, Eliza. Well done.
你完成了任务 You accomplished the task.
你完成了任务 "You accomplished the task."
谢谢亲 你也不赖嘛 Well, thank you, m'dear. You weren't too shabby yourself.
不 那是我给亨利生日礼物时他说的话 No, that's what Henry said when I gave him his birthday present.
我应该担心吗 你跟我裸身同床 Should I be worried that you're laying naked
却在想着亨利 in bed with me, thinking about Henry?
我给他送了两张蓝调旅者的票当生日礼物 I got him tickets to Blues Traveler for his birthday,
我以为他会... 更兴奋一点的 and I expected him to be, like, a little more, whoo, excited!
替他说句公道话 乐队演出票才没那么让人兴奋 In his defense, jam-band tickets aren't that exciting.
他的要求是"不过分 有意义" He said "Modest and meaningful."
你基本上不过是给了他两张纸而已 Well, you basically just gave the man two pieces of paper.
我本想给他办个派对来着 Well, I wanted to throw him a party.
为什么没办呢 派对最棒了 Well, why didn't you? Parties are awesome.
别人都说亨利不想要派对 Because everyone else said Henry wouldn't want one.
得了吧 谁不想要派对 Come on. Everybody wants one.
因此所有重要的事件都以庆祝活动作为顶峰 That's why all-important events culminate in a celebration.
想想吧 死亡 婚姻 五月五日节 橄榄球 Think about it -- death, marriage, May 5th, football.
天呐 新生儿 奥斯卡 飓风 Oh, my God, babies, the Oscars, hurricanes --
都有派对的 They all come with parties!
好 这样就行了 Okay, that settles it.
亨利看演唱会的时候 While Henry's at that concert,
我闯进他家 I'm breaking into his house,
给他办个惊喜派对 throwing him a surprise party.
他会觉得自己不喜欢 可接下来 He's gonna think he hates it, but then it's gonna be
他就会像你跟《明日边缘》一样 just like you and the "Edge of Tomorrow."
爱死《明日边缘》了 Ah, I loved "Edge of Tomorrow."
我知道 但最开始你根本就不想看 Oh, I know, but, originally, you didn't want to watch it
因为你还在对《侠探杰克》不爽 because you were still mad about "Jack Reacher."
汤姆·克鲁斯根本不应该演《侠探杰克》 Tom Cruise had no business playing Jack Reacher!
应该是锤哥克里斯·海姆斯沃斯 It should have been Chris Hemsworth.
但我们后来点播来看 你超爱它 But then we watched it on demand, and you super loved it
完全抹去了你跟阿汤哥的恩怨情仇 and it totally erased all the bad blood between you and T-cruise.
我们是同意要 Wait, so, did we just agree
给亨利办派对 还是看一部阿汤哥的电影 to throw Henry a party or watch a Tom Cruise movie?
都要 我打电话叫桶酒 Both. I'll call about a keg.
你去放《最后的武士》 You put on "The Last Samurai."
他根本不应该演最后的武士 He had no business playing the last samurai!
与你不同 Unlike you...
夜色还十分早[年轻] The night is still young.
过生日时候开的玩笑而已 That's just a bit of birthday ribbing.
希望我没有太过分 I hope I didn't take it too far.
没有没有 刚刚好 Not at all. That was just the right level.
好的 Okay.
可说真的 伙计们 But, seriously, folks...
你晚餐后打算干什么 ...what might you enjoy doing after dinner?
我看到福勒博物馆 I read the Fowler Museum
有个不错的伏尔加贸易路线展览 has a fascinating exhibit on the volga trade route.
整条贸易路线吗 The whole route?
从乌普萨拉[瑞典]到里海 From Uppsala to the Caspian Sea.
我的确喜欢三角贸易 Well, I do love river-based trade.
但其实我在想我们可以 But I was actually thinking we could...
去看一场蓝调旅者演唱会 check out a Blues Traveler concert.
什么 I'm sorry?
挺傻的 但我以前也算是粉了他们一段时间 It's silly, but I used to be a bit of a fan,
有人送了我两张票当礼物 and I got these tickets for my birthday.
我觉得可以把它当成一次文化博览 I...I thought it could be a cultural safari.
更像是文化"抱歉" More like a cultural "I'm sorry."
一整晚都说不累哦 I will be here all night.
真棒 干杯 That was wonderful. Cheers.
亨利和他无聊的女友享受着无聊的玩笑 Oh. While Henry enjoyed some boring banter with his boring girlfriend,
我闯进了他无聊的家 准备弄点好玩的 I broke into his boring house to plan something fun.
这样做是不是太过了 Tell me if this has been overdone --
罗勒草莓伏特加 A basil-strawberry vodka luge
倒在三到四个双性笼中舞者身上 that empties onto three or four bisexual cage dancers.
伊莉莎 我们可是在说亨利啊 Eliza, this is Henry we're talking about, right?
好吧 我来给你分享一些派对智慧 Okay, I'm gonna share with you some party wisdom
已经被证实了三次 分别是我的伙伴跳棋 that has been thrice confirmed by my boy Checkers,
他是酒吧保镖 我大学室友花生 who's a bouncer, my old college roommate Peanut,
还有一个叫做"胡须"的朋友 and this dude I know named whiskers,
他在市中心的夜店要开业了 who's opening up a club downtown.
你朋友的名字怎么都跟猫一样 Why do all your friends have cat names?
就是这么巧 They just do.
准备好了吗 是这样的 You ready? Here it is.
庆祝活动必须和庆祝人相符 The celebration must suit the celebrant.
你不可能给吹牛老爹[黑人歌手]送充气城堡 You're not gonna get Puff Daddy a bouncy castle,
也不能给小孩十二箱伏特加 nor a small child 12 cases of ciroc.
简直 醍醐灌顶 You dropped it. I caught it -- knowledge.
我的工作完成了 Huh. My work here is done.
你要去哪 Well, hey, where are you going?
我说了 胡须的夜店要开张了 I said whiskers is opening up a club downtown.
我的伙伴都要去... All my boys are gonna be there --
毛毛 匪匪 加菲 Mittens, Bandit, Garfield,
菲利克斯 艾滋雷尔 西斯克里夫 Felix, Azrael, Heathcliff.
好了 你是在逗我玩呢吧 Okay, n-now you're just messing with me.
是的 Yes, I am.
不过说真的 No, but, seriously,
我得去见西尔维斯特和霍布斯了 I got to go meet Sylvester and Hobbes.
我们是铁锈勇气 We are Rusted Courage,
我们的T恤买一赠二哦 and our T-shirts are three for one!
接下来是蓝调旅者 Next up, Blues Traveler!
他一晚上都要这样吗 Is he going to do that all night?
让我听到你们的尖叫 I want to hear those "whoos"!
应该是的 I think so.
大家似乎挺享受跑了气儿的啤酒 Everyone seems to be enjoying their flat beer.
你要喝吗 Would you care for one?
停车花了30美元 我估计买不起啤酒了 After paying $30 for parking, I'm not sure we can afford it.
首先 我们决定来点新花样 All right, we're gonna start this one off with some new stuff!
你们来就是为了新花样的不是吗 But you guys came here for some new stuff, right?
开玩笑的 Just kidding.
我可不会这么敷衍你们 I wouldn't want to give you the runaround.
茱莉亚 谢谢你忍到现在 Julia, thank you for enduring this.
我是来怀旧的 而不是喜爱... I'm here for nostalgia more than a love of --
* Oh once upon a midnight dreary *
* I woke with something in my head *
* I couldn't escape the memory *
你要戴耳塞吗 Did you want earplugs?
我知道我们我们离舞台很近... I know we're close to the stage, but --
你依然很赞 波普尔 You still got the pipes, Popper!
你依然很棒 No, yeah, you still do!
老天 他指我了 Oh my God, he pointed at me!
我还是戴耳塞吧 A-actually, I think I would like some earplugs!
好 需要我去帮你买一副吗 Okay, would you want me to go get you some?
我可以... Oh, well, I can --
* Yeah, humor me and tell me lies *
* Well, I'll lie, too, and say I don't mind *
* And as we seek, so shall we find *
* And when you're feeling open, I'll still be here *
* But not without a certain degree of fear *
* Of what will be with you and me *
* I still can see things hopefully *
我去买包花生米 I may go purchase a bag of peanuts!
* Why you want to give a runaround! *
* Yeah, it's a surefire way to speed thins up *
* When all it does is slow me down *
好棒 Yeah!
众所周知 全世界上 So, as we all know, Henry's favorite thing
亨利最喜欢的东西是... in the whole entire world is...
我 Me.
差不多 他最喜欢的是工作或者工作场所 Close. It's work or the workplace.
对 我知道 Right. I knew that.
鉴于今天是亨利出生的日子 And since today is the day Henry got born,
我想给他最爱的东西 I really wanted to celebrate
来帮他庆祝今天这个特殊的日子 by bringing him the thing he loves most,
也就是亨利的办公室主题生日派对 hence Henry's office-themed birthday party!
那为什么不直接在办公室办 Why didn't we just do it at the office?
原因很明显 我没想到那个 Um, for the obvious reason that I didn't think of that.
大家还有问题吗 Any other questions?
那在这里我是亨利的手下 还是客人 Do I still work for Henry, or am I a guest here?
我还是他老板吗 Uh, am I still his boss?
今晚我能命令他做事吗 I mean, can I tell him what to do tonight?
是他手下 可以命令 Yes, and yes.
好 很好 Good. Good.
不用一个人喝酒真是太好了 I'm just glad I don't have to drink alone.
说得很对嘛 That's the spirit! Huh?!
大家都跟拉里去喝酒 就跟上班时一样就行 Everyone, just drink with Larry, much like you would do at work.
上班时不允许喝酒的 Uh...nobody should be drinking at work.
-当然 -好了 - No. - Fine.
大家就跟上班时一样漫无目的地瞎转悠就行 Just mill around and do nothing, much like you would do at work.
我先声明一下 To be clear,
大家上班时都应该...工作的 everybody should be working at...work.
好吧 Fine.
你就像平时上班一样好了 Act like you're su-u-u-u-per busy and completely sober,
超级超级忙 完全清醒不喝酒 much like you would do at work.
好 很好 Good. Good.
亨利的办公室主题派对 请问有事吗 Henry's office-themed birthday. Can I help you?
伊莉莎 是联合国儿童基金会 Eliza, it's UNICEF.
谁要处理亨利的捐赠事宜 Who here handles Henry's donations?
拉杰 Raj.
为什么是我 Why Raj?
喂 Hello?
这个啊 让我想想 Well, let me see.
他心地善良 He has a big heart,
所以应该会资助 50个吧 so I suppose he will sponsor, uh, 50?
资助50个儿童可以吗 W-would 50 children be good?
-可以啊 算是一个开始 -可以 不错 - Sure, it's a start. - That's good. That's good.
我知道了 Oh, oh, I see.
再多捐赠一点 就可以帮亨利的孩子买口井了 For a few dollars more, we can buy Henry's children a well.
这决定我同意 I approve that decision.
好的 亨利想 Okay, yes, Henry would like
为自己的孩子买干净的饮用水喝 to buy clean drinking water for his children.
使用登记的信用卡付款 Using the card on file.
不 谢谢你 No, thank you.
干得漂亮 拉杰 Good job, Raj.
虽然这跟从双性笼中舞者身上 It wasn't exactly drinking champagne
喝香槟不能比 off a bisexual cage dancer.
但这也算是种"无趣"的乐趣吧 But it was the kind of buttoned-up fun
亨利应该会喜欢 Henry would approve of.
* Oh, let's get real *
* High *
亲爱的 你听到我唱的没有 Hon, did you see my solo?!
我唱得不错吧亲爱的 Did you see my tasty solo, hon?!
真不错啊 Very tasty!
茱莉亚 我觉得我得替韦恩 Julia, I think I speak for Wayne
还有其他歌迷说句公道话 and all of the other fellow travelers
你这样真的伤害大家的感情了 when I say you are harshing the mellow.
确实如此 That is the gist.
很抱歉 韦恩 Apologies, Wayne.
我觉得我还是出去吧 Yeah, I think I'll step outside.
等等 等等 你这是生我的气了吗 Hold on. Hold on. Are you upset with me?
你能把那顶帽子摘了吗 Could you take off that hat?
你戴着那顶帽子 I'm having a very hard time
-我实在很难接受 -好吧 - taking you seriously with that hat. - Yeah.
-你要走了吗 我们... -不不 不用 - Are you leaving? We totally - No, no, we don't have to.
我是个上门看诊的医生 It's just, I'm the on-call doctor,
这里的信号真的很差 and the reception in here is pretty terrible.
等等 我跟你一起走 Oh, wait. I'll go with you.
不 我...我们一起走 No, I-I'll -- we'll both go.
你先等我道个别 跟这位老兄... Just let me say goodbye and exchange info with --
* Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in. It's so P.C.,, it's killing me *
* If you're rin tin tin or Anne Boleyn *
* Make a desperate move or else you'll win *
* And then begin to see what you're doing to me *
* This MTV is not for free *
* So desperately I sing to thee of love *
* Love! *
我就知道会这样 I knew this would happen.
所以我才不轻易出来玩出来疯 You see, this is why I seldom let it all hang out.
不用担心 兄弟 Don't worry about it, brother.
这个我知道 If I know anything about anything,
你的魅力肯定会让她回到你身边的 the hook will bring her back.
如果她不回来 那你可以跟我一起住啊 And if it doesn't, you can always live with me.
老板 这是买办公用品要花的钱 请签字 Sir, can I get you to sign this check for office supplies?
既然我们在这里工作 我想再购买些墨粉 Since we're working here, I thought I'd reorder toner.
谢谢 琼 Thank you, Joan.
提醒一下 And I'll just remind you,
五分钟后您需要给亨利一个惊喜 you have a surprise with Henry coming up in five minutes.
琼 没有你这个冒牌办公室一定行不通 Joan, this fake office would crumble without you.
谢谢夸奖 老板 Thank you, sir.
生日快乐 Happy birthday!
惊喜 Surprise!
-这是怎么回事 -办公室派对快乐 - What's going on here? - Happy office party!
生日快乐 Happy birthday!
办公室派对快乐 亨利 Happy office party, Henry.
是不是很棒啊 Is this great or what?
伊莉莎准备了上班吃的百吉饼 Eliza got work bagels!
亨利 你资助的孩子特别想来给你庆祝 Henry, your children desperately wish they could be here,
但是他们没有现代交通工具来不了 but they don't have access to modern transportation.
伊莉莎 我能单独跟你说几句话吗 Eliza, can I speak to you in private for a moment?
好啊 Okay.
天哪 Oh, man.
演唱会玩得开心吗 So, did you have fun at the concert?
不开心 No.
真的吗 那你为什么还买东西 Really? Then why did you buy merch?
我买不买东西跟你有什么关系 Don't concern yourself with my merch.
我的意思是 要是玩得不开心 I'm just saying, no one buys a T-shirt
谁还会去买件T恤衫来纪念演唱会啊 to remember a concert they did not have fun at.
他们为什么会在我家里 Why are these people in my house?
他们是怎么进我家里的 How are these people in my house?
你知道你们家浴室的窗户 Did you know your bathroom window
155的人就能爬进来吗 can fit a size 2?
亨利 这就是今晚派对的 Okay, Henry, this is the "Jack Reacher"
《侠探杰克》部分 portion of the evening.
虽然你现在不喜欢 Right now, you hate it,
但是最终你会放松下来... but eventually you're gonna loosen up, and --
你看过《明日边缘》吗 Have you seen the "Edge of Tomorrow"?
看过 没看下去 Yes, and I walked out.
再说 我不喜欢《侠探杰克》 Further, I did not like "Jack Reacher,"
也不喜欢《香草天空》 nor "Vanilla Sky."
也不怎么喜欢《调酒师》 I was lukewarm on "Cocktail,"
但是我喜欢《热带惊雷》 虽然他也有参演 liked "Tropic Thunder" in spite of him,
还有 他去演什么《最后的武士》啊 and, hello, he had no business being The Last Samurai!
以上电影主演均为汤姆·克鲁斯
应该让锤哥克里斯·海姆斯沃斯演的 Should have been Chris Hemsworth.
谁 不不 Who? No, no!
我今晚就只想安静地坐着 All I wanted to do tonight was to sit quietly
看完那部讲小房子的纪录片 and finish a documentary on tiny houses.
但是呢 我真是没想到 But instead, against my better judgement,
我竟然旁若无人地去跳舞了 I danced like nobody was watching.
-可有人在看啊 -茱莉亚吗 - But somebody was. - Julia?
我不怕告诉你 真是太失望了 I'm not afraid to tell you, it was a big turn-off.
她失望 For her.
虽然其他歌迷都喜欢 I mean, the crowd loved it,
我还交到一个叫韦恩的朋友 但茱莉亚提前走了 and I made a friend named Wayne, but Julia left early.
至少你还交到韦恩那个朋友了啊 Well, that's cool about Wayne, huh?
而且我回家发现 不仅没有安静祥和 And now I come home to find, in lieu of peace and quiet,
你反而叫了同事们过来 you have peppered my house
把家里搞得一团糟 我根本不想跟他们一起派对 with co-workers I have no interest in partying with!
各位 我觉得我们该... Team, I think it's time to...
下班了 clock out.
周一早上见 在我们真正的办公室里 I'll see you Monday morning... in the real office.
老板 你听我解... Sir, let me exp--
大家都想帮你一起庆祝生日 Must really be hard to have everyone
一定很难得 want to celebrate your birthday.
但是对一个知道 But as someone who knows
一个人过生日是多么孤单的人来说 what it's like to spend their birthday alone,
还有一个超级傻逼的小丑不算... minus one super bitchy clown...
我可以以自己的亲身经历来说 真的不好玩 ...I can tell you firsthand that it sucks!
伊莉莎... Eliza...
你们两位的小腿 You are two amazing women
真是好漂亮好强壮的感觉... with beautiful, strong calves...
而且你们很有...冒险精神 and deeply... adventurous souls.
我们不会跟你玩3P的 拉里 We're not having a threesome, Larry.
好吧 我先走了 Okay, I'm out.
不行 Nope. Hmm.
你觉得亨利会原谅你吗 Do you think Henry's gonna forgive you?
原谅我 你开玩笑吧 Um, forgive me? Are you kidding?
他应该谢谢我才对 He should be thanking me.
今晚多棒啊 Tonight was epic!
亨利去参加了演唱会 Henry went to a concert,
跟一个叫韦恩的家伙一起跳了舞 danced with some dude named Wayne,
还让一个第三世界国家的村子 and provided clean drinking water
都喝上了干净的饮用水 to an entire third-world village.
你说得对 Yeah, you're right!
还有拉杰也突破了自我... And Raj had a blast --
我觉得他那是第一次参加派对 Don't think he's ever been to a party.
当然 还有琼可以买墨粉了 No! And Joan get her toner on.
对 Yes.
拉里还在做梦跟人玩3P And Larry's having an imaginary threesome.
我让你舒服一点怎么样 Let's get you into something more comfortable, huh?
你来了 Hey.
你叫值班医生上门了吗 Did you page the on-call doctor?
谢谢你在我生日时上门 Thank you for making a house call on my birthday.
现在不是你生日了 Well, it's not your birthday anymore.
生日列车已经离站了 That train has left the station.
下一站是美国退休者协会 Next stop, AARP.
这是个生日笑话 It's a bit more birthday joshing.
但是说真的 我可以进去吗 But, seriously, folks, uh, may I come in?
请进 Please.
请帮我拿一下外套 Take my coat, please.
对不起 I'm sorry.
我一直在努力 I've been making an effort
让自己放松幽默 to be a bit more lighthearted and humorous.
但说实话... But the truth is...
今晚 你真的让我感觉不舒服了 Tonight, you pushed me outside of my comfort zone.
那种情况下 And when that happens,
我就会对人冷漠 态度不好 I tend to become cold and judgmental and punishing.
我也是 Yeah, same.
我知道严格来说你的生日已经过了 I know it's not technically your birthday anymore
而且你又不是很喜欢礼物... and you're not keen on presents...
但是我还是有件礼物要送给你 But I do have one gift I would like to give you.
我今晚不走 I'll be here all night.
真的吗 Seriously, folks.
我不是冷酷无情啊 但是他们需要多少口井啊 Not to be insensitive, but how many wells do they need?
我不是刚捐了一口吗 I mean, can't they be happy
他们还不满意吗 with the one well that I just got them?
好吧 再捐一口 Okay, one more well.
好 用登记信用卡付费 Yes, charge the card on file.
查理说你找我 Charlie said you wanted to see me.
对 Yes.
我想向你表达谢意 I just wanted to express my gratitude
你为了我付出了那么多努力 for the effort that you put forth on my behalf.
我知道你是想让我过一个特别的生日 I know your intention was to make my big day special,
回想一下 现在我可以确定 说实话... and, in hindsight, I can now confirm that, in fact...
这个生日确实过得特别 it was.
什么 What?
演唱会我玩得很开心 I had fun at the concert.
谢谢你帮我举办派对 Thank you for my party.
抱歉我之前对你发脾气 I'm sorry I was mean.
我就知道你玩得很开心 I knew you had fun.
因为我刚跟你说了 Because I just told you.
不是 因为油管上有你的视频 No, because you're on YouTube.
什么 What?
有847次观看呢 847 views!
这么多人看啊 I went viral!
-是啊 -快把视频删了 - Mm-hmm. - D-delete that video!
看来你是真不知道网络世界的规则 Wow. You really have no idea how the internet works.
快删掉啊 Delete that video!
这个没用 还在播放 That doesn't do anything. It's still playing.
还是不行 No.
真是太好玩了 This is really funny for me.
你刚又发到推特上分享了 You just Tweeted it everywhere.