1 00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:31,250 [marching band music] 2 00:00:35,875 --> 00:00:37,541 [sniffing] 3 00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:43,666 [dog barks] 4 00:00:43,750 --> 00:00:45,208 [narrator] Once upon a time, 5 00:00:45,291 --> 00:00:48,875 in the far away magical land of South London, 6 00:00:48,958 --> 00:00:51,541 in a simple age, when a cock belonged to a man 7 00:00:51,625 --> 00:00:53,666 and a cunt was married to a woman 8 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,875 that sat in the pub all day talking absolute bollocks, 9 00:00:56,958 --> 00:00:59,166 there was a little boy called Jack. 10 00:01:01,041 --> 00:01:03,708 The very first word Jack ever spoke was... 11 00:01:03,791 --> 00:01:05,666 C-C-Cocaine. 12 00:01:05,750 --> 00:01:06,875 An ambitious child, 13 00:01:06,958 --> 00:01:09,500 Jack already knew what he wanted out of life. 14 00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:11,625 What would you like to do when you grow up, David? 15 00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:13,333 Put a stop to world famine, sir. 16 00:01:13,416 --> 00:01:14,833 [teacher] What about you, Sarah? 17 00:01:14,916 --> 00:01:16,541 Invent something amazing, sir. 18 00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:21,041 -[teacher] What about you, Jack? -Drugs, sir. And fuck Sarah. 19 00:01:21,125 --> 00:01:23,041 Jack knew that being academic 20 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,333 was about as useful as a dildo in a nunnery. 21 00:01:25,416 --> 00:01:28,458 Round the flats, a different type of education mattered. 22 00:01:28,541 --> 00:01:30,666 Fuck are you staring at, you Jils? 23 00:01:32,250 --> 00:01:34,166 This was Jack's university. 24 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:36,750 Happily, he graduated with venereal disease 25 00:01:36,833 --> 00:01:38,458 and a criminal record. 26 00:01:38,541 --> 00:01:42,333 And it was here he met Dani, the love of his life. 27 00:01:43,333 --> 00:01:46,916 Jack and Dani, you've got to admit, it's got a ring to it. 28 00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,625 Their love burned so brightly 29 00:01:49,708 --> 00:01:52,208 that Dani even gave up on her dream of art college 30 00:01:52,291 --> 00:01:55,250 and settled into a life of domestic bliss. 31 00:01:55,333 --> 00:01:58,958 She laid down her paint brush and picked up the laundry. 32 00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:01,833 And on the day their son JJ was conceived, 33 00:02:01,916 --> 00:02:05,916 Dani scored over 100,000 on some generic mobile game 34 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,000 while Jack smashed her back doors in. 35 00:02:09,083 --> 00:02:12,000 For a while, they were just like any other normal family, 36 00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:15,083 but Jack had one little niggling problem. 37 00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:18,125 For 60 quid, you can buy an electric kettle from Argos, 38 00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:20,416 or a day-glo collar for an XL bully. 39 00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,583 But for 50 quid, you can buy a gram of cocaine. 40 00:02:23,666 --> 00:02:25,041 He loved his wife and son, 41 00:02:25,125 --> 00:02:28,458 but being a dickie-sniffing cunt was way more fun. 42 00:02:28,541 --> 00:02:30,833 While most men took their sons to football, 43 00:02:30,916 --> 00:02:33,958 ate Ginsters pies and reminisced about Coldplay gigs, 44 00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:35,833 Jack slipped off with his old muckers, 45 00:02:35,916 --> 00:02:37,333 Vinny, Roger and Deano, 46 00:02:37,416 --> 00:02:39,500 where they sniffed phenomenal amounts of cocaine 47 00:02:39,583 --> 00:02:42,458 and enjoyed their favourite pastime, fighting. 48 00:02:42,541 --> 00:02:44,791 Come on then, you fucking two-bob cunts, 49 00:02:44,875 --> 00:02:46,333 I'll do the lot of ya. 50 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:47,958 [fighting grunts] 51 00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:49,750 But what became of poor Jack? 52 00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:52,875 After years of sniffing dickie and casual violence, 53 00:02:52,958 --> 00:02:54,250 with the morals of a pikey, 54 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:55,708 surely he would redeem himself 55 00:02:55,791 --> 00:02:58,500 and find his true place in society? 56 00:03:00,541 --> 00:03:03,750 [♪ "Baggy Trousers" by Madness] 57 00:03:14,291 --> 00:03:18,041 [lullaby music plays] 58 00:03:18,125 --> 00:03:20,458 [♪ "Baggy Trousers" resumes] 59 00:03:25,666 --> 00:03:27,500 Let's do this bunch of cunts. 60 00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,583 [all cheer] 61 00:03:31,291 --> 00:03:32,333 [yells] Come on! 62 00:03:32,416 --> 00:03:35,166 [lullaby music plays] 63 00:03:35,250 --> 00:03:36,541 Oi! 64 00:03:36,625 --> 00:03:38,583 I thought you fucking died on us. 65 00:03:38,666 --> 00:03:39,958 [Jack] Vinny's wife threw him out 66 00:03:40,041 --> 00:03:42,458 when she caught him with a Brazilian tranny in Whitstable. 67 00:03:42,541 --> 00:03:45,000 He only sees his kids through a contact centre, 68 00:03:45,083 --> 00:03:47,125 but he's too ashamed to admit it, so he lies 69 00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:50,250 and says the missus has taken them to Center Parcs. 70 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:52,166 Here you are. You've been fuckin' spark out 71 00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:53,500 since we left London. 72 00:03:54,166 --> 00:03:55,875 [Jack] Deano got his first bit of bird 73 00:03:55,958 --> 00:03:57,500 when off his nut on ketamine. 74 00:03:57,583 --> 00:04:00,416 He stole a thousand pairs of Loro Piana mittens 75 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,333 and tried to sell them at the local thalidomide centre. 76 00:04:04,458 --> 00:04:06,041 Liven yourself up, silly bollocks, 77 00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:07,666 we're nearly in Grimsby. 78 00:04:07,750 --> 00:04:09,166 [Jack] Maybe not the brightest, 79 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,291 Roger thought Canvey Island was in the Bahamas, 80 00:04:11,375 --> 00:04:13,083 and was blown away by EasyJet. 81 00:04:13,166 --> 00:04:15,500 He once flew to Helsinki, then come straight home 82 00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:17,458 just to experience speedy boarding. 83 00:04:17,541 --> 00:04:19,625 [♪ "Baggy Trousers" resumes] 84 00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:33,500 That's better. I feel brand new. 85 00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:36,916 If you wanna avoid wannabe cunts in snide Moncler jackets 86 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,875 that fancy themselves as football thugs, 87 00:04:38,958 --> 00:04:40,500 over-policed stadiums, 88 00:04:40,583 --> 00:04:43,166 and tickets that cost more then a gram of dickie... 89 00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:46,208 then the lower leagues are for you. 90 00:04:46,291 --> 00:04:49,500 But be warned, this sport is only for the truly committed. 91 00:04:49,583 --> 00:04:51,458 [indistinct shouting] 92 00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:53,291 Fuck me, they're mob-handed. 93 00:04:53,375 --> 00:04:56,541 [shouting] 94 00:04:59,708 --> 00:05:02,416 Come on! Come on! 95 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,666 [Jack] No one run. Stay together. Let's do these cunts. 96 00:05:06,583 --> 00:05:08,166 Do not run. 97 00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:13,416 [indistinct shouting] 98 00:05:16,291 --> 00:05:18,875 Here we go! Come on, Grimsby. 99 00:05:20,666 --> 00:05:23,333 [♪ keyboard version of "Symphony No.9" by Beethoven] 100 00:05:23,416 --> 00:05:25,541 [commentator] Well, we are in for a treat today. 101 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,625 Two great firms, bitter rivals and sworn enemies 102 00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:31,083 meeting in the bombed-out streets of Grimsby. 103 00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:33,125 And as the firms advance towards each other, 104 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:36,041 it's great to see Grimsby with such a tidy looking mob. 105 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,750 These flash Cockney wankers 106 00:05:37,833 --> 00:05:39,375 won't know what's fucking hit them. 107 00:05:39,458 --> 00:05:41,500 Oh, that's a lovely effort from Grimsby. 108 00:05:41,583 --> 00:05:43,541 Deano's gone over like a granny on ice. 109 00:05:43,625 --> 00:05:47,208 Doesn't look like VAR will be needed in this instance. 110 00:05:47,291 --> 00:05:49,458 Oh, that's terrific from Roger the Dodger. 111 00:05:49,541 --> 00:05:51,833 Right round the fucking cannister with a beer bottle. 112 00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:53,916 That will require a few stitches, I'd imagine. 113 00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:57,541 Oh, that's a shocking display from the mouthy cunt Vinny 114 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,125 in the CP duffle coat. 115 00:05:59,208 --> 00:06:02,458 Since when was pepper spray in the fair-play rule book? 116 00:06:02,541 --> 00:06:05,250 Stone the crows, he's only going again. 117 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:09,875 Jesus, these Cock-er-neys are really ruthless cunts. 118 00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:13,791 What a screamer from Jack Jones! 119 00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:15,625 That's worth a look from another angle. 120 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,625 And there it is, a peach of a shot. 121 00:06:19,708 --> 00:06:21,375 Despite the fact he's losing his hair, 122 00:06:21,458 --> 00:06:22,875 and got erectile dysfunction. 123 00:06:23,291 --> 00:06:25,791 Oh, my word! He's only gone and nutted the cunt. 124 00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:31,250 And that's what I call entertainment. 125 00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:40,166 [police sirens] 126 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:45,916 [indistinct shouting] 127 00:07:10,416 --> 00:07:13,875 [Jack] It's all fun and games. The sheer indulgence of it. 128 00:07:13,958 --> 00:07:16,958 The drinking and eating and fighting and fucking. 129 00:07:17,041 --> 00:07:19,083 Until one day, you wake up and realise 130 00:07:19,166 --> 00:07:20,875 you've done nothing with your life. 131 00:07:20,958 --> 00:07:24,250 Everything you ever had, all your hopes and dreams 132 00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:27,750 have come to absolutely fuck all. 133 00:07:27,833 --> 00:07:32,166 [judge] Fighting at football. Possession of cocaine. 134 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:33,750 At your age? 135 00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:37,833 Don't you feel the slightest bit embarrassed? 136 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,916 Dreadfully embarrassed, mate. 137 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,541 -Your Honour. -Your Honour. 138 00:07:44,041 --> 00:07:45,541 I swear, if he don't send me to prison, 139 00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:47,166 I'll give him a blow job. 140 00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:49,875 I'm gonna give you a chance, Jones. 141 00:07:49,958 --> 00:07:52,375 I take that back. Nose job. 142 00:07:52,458 --> 00:07:53,500 But you need to prove to me 143 00:07:53,583 --> 00:07:55,666 why I shouldn't give you a custodial sentence, 144 00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:57,791 and you need to convince me 145 00:07:57,875 --> 00:08:00,958 your liberty is worth fighting for. 146 00:08:01,041 --> 00:08:03,958 You'll be bound over for six weeks. 147 00:08:04,041 --> 00:08:08,291 Now, you stated the reason for your violent activity 148 00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:11,791 and drug use is financial and marital difficulties. 149 00:08:11,875 --> 00:08:13,625 Well, I'm gonna make it a legal requirement 150 00:08:13,708 --> 00:08:17,125 that you attend couples therapy. 151 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:22,375 As well as finding yourself some gainful employment. 152 00:08:22,458 --> 00:08:24,041 Your freedom rests in your ability 153 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:27,166 to pull yourself together over the next six weeks. 154 00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:30,250 Your probation officer will report to me. 155 00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:33,583 Mess him around, and it's prison for you. 156 00:08:34,041 --> 00:08:36,416 Do we understand each other? 157 00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:38,875 Yes. 158 00:08:43,666 --> 00:08:44,791 Stage fright? 159 00:08:48,375 --> 00:08:49,708 You mean you're dyslexic? 160 00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:54,875 No biggie. Just ask. 161 00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:55,958 [Jack] Ta. 162 00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:00,375 I'll help you, if you help me. 163 00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,000 -I'm gonna try. -Good. 164 00:09:03,083 --> 00:09:05,208 -I'm gonna try. -It's worth taking it seriously 165 00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:07,625 cos life only pities the young. 166 00:09:07,708 --> 00:09:10,250 It isn't so kind to middle-aged fuck-ups. 167 00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:17,333 So what's your relationship with drugs like? 168 00:09:17,416 --> 00:09:19,208 Stronger than my marriage. 169 00:09:20,375 --> 00:09:21,458 How often do you do it? 170 00:09:22,416 --> 00:09:24,416 I get the odd wank at Christmas. 171 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,958 I meant drugs. 172 00:09:26,041 --> 00:09:28,416 Oh. [chuckles] 173 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,833 We're still in love. 174 00:09:29,916 --> 00:09:31,500 You think it's a joke? 175 00:09:31,583 --> 00:09:34,625 A box-ticking exercise? You're 45 years old. 176 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,041 You haven't got time to spend the next five years inside. 177 00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:39,291 You think your wife will wait for you? 178 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,166 I wouldn't bet on it. 179 00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:44,416 You've got six weeks to turn your life around. 180 00:09:45,875 --> 00:09:48,916 Now, do you wanna know how probation works? 181 00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:55,250 [cheering] 182 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:58,458 You lucky cunt! I thought you was getting five. Sweet? 183 00:09:58,541 --> 00:10:00,541 I was planning on having a trade with your missus. 184 00:10:00,625 --> 00:10:01,708 -Fuck off. -How you wound up 185 00:10:01,791 --> 00:10:03,666 getting bound over's beyond me. What a touch. 186 00:10:03,750 --> 00:10:05,333 -[Vinny] I'll get 'em in. Deano? -Lager. 187 00:10:05,416 --> 00:10:06,458 - [Vinny] Rog? -Lager, Vin. 188 00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:07,875 Jackie boy? 189 00:10:07,958 --> 00:10:09,916 I'll just have a pear juice, I think. 190 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,541 [room falls silent] 191 00:10:11,625 --> 00:10:14,083 No, you won't. You'll have a fucking lager, you weirdo. 192 00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:16,000 [sniffing] 193 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:17,625 What's he say then, your PO? 194 00:10:17,708 --> 00:10:20,166 -I gotta go therapy. -What for? 195 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,875 Brush up on my driving skills. 196 00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:24,416 Have a go on that. 197 00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:29,083 -Fucking get on with it then. -Give us it. 198 00:10:36,666 --> 00:10:38,666 [Jack] You know you loved each other once. 199 00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:41,166 There was a time when she laughed at everything you said, 200 00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:43,166 no matter how fucking stupid. 201 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:45,958 And you wore her legs round your face like a scarf. 202 00:10:46,041 --> 00:10:47,541 But that was years ago. 203 00:10:47,625 --> 00:10:49,708 And eventually, even those who love you the most 204 00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:53,083 get tired of you acting like a backwards cunt. 205 00:10:53,166 --> 00:10:55,208 Well, thank God you didn't go to prison. 206 00:10:55,291 --> 00:10:57,708 [JJ] Mum said she would have run off with another man 207 00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,333 if you went to jail, one with money and a sense of humour. 208 00:11:00,416 --> 00:11:02,750 Too right I will, if you don't liven yourself up. 209 00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,125 Dan, what's happening, babe? What you having? 210 00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:07,250 It's fucking light outside, Vin. I'll have a tea. 211 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,166 Come on, babe, drop the act. We're on it! 212 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:11,291 Shouldn't you be at home with Lucy and the kids? 213 00:11:11,375 --> 00:11:13,375 Nah, she's taken the kids to that Center Parcs gaff 214 00:11:13,458 --> 00:11:15,916 for the weekend. Anyway, fuck that! 215 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,875 -We're celebrating. -Celebrating what? 216 00:11:18,958 --> 00:11:21,291 He's been given six weeks to sort his fucking life out. 217 00:11:21,375 --> 00:11:22,875 [laughs] 218 00:11:22,958 --> 00:11:25,166 [chanting] You're just a fucking wanker! 219 00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,291 You're just a fucking wanker! 220 00:11:27,375 --> 00:11:29,458 You're just a fucking wanker! 221 00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:31,500 You're just a fucking wanker! 222 00:11:31,583 --> 00:11:33,833 You're just a fucking wanker! 223 00:11:33,916 --> 00:11:35,875 You're just a fucking wanker! 224 00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:42,708 [Dani] Oi, dinlo. Come here. 225 00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:48,416 -You scared me. -I know, babe. Me an' all. 226 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,166 Fuck prison. 227 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:53,333 -Tell me you're done with it. -Yeah, course I am. 228 00:11:53,416 --> 00:11:55,166 Let's go and have a roast with your old man. 229 00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:58,958 No. I said, tell me you're done with it. 230 00:11:59,041 --> 00:12:01,291 All of it. The sniffing. The football. 231 00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:11,791 Right. Start by emptying your pockets. 232 00:12:11,875 --> 00:12:14,958 [chuckles] What, are you Old Bill? 233 00:12:17,875 --> 00:12:20,666 -Don't you trust me? -Take a wild guess. 234 00:12:20,750 --> 00:12:21,750 All right. 235 00:12:22,791 --> 00:12:25,041 Here you are. Here you are. 236 00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:28,791 You know I won't nag you, Jack. 237 00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:30,875 But I won't suffer you either. 238 00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:35,125 If I had cocaine on me, 239 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:37,375 it wouldn't be in me fucking pocket. 240 00:12:43,875 --> 00:12:45,833 What did the judge say? 241 00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,291 Just gotta keep me nose clean. 242 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:51,708 Was he having a fucking laugh or what? You? [sniffs] 243 00:12:51,791 --> 00:12:53,208 No, but seriously though, kid, 244 00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:56,000 you've got to sort yourself out, you know that, don't ya? 245 00:12:56,083 --> 00:12:58,541 I mean, look at ya. When you married my daughter, 246 00:12:58,625 --> 00:13:00,625 you took a vow to take care of her. 247 00:13:00,708 --> 00:13:03,958 But look at you now, living in one of my gaffs rent free, 248 00:13:04,041 --> 00:13:06,500 and my little Dani don't know if her husband's coming home 249 00:13:06,583 --> 00:13:08,333 in the next couple of weeks. 250 00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:13,291 If she leaves you, Jack, then so does my charity. 251 00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:16,208 And how long 252 00:13:16,291 --> 00:13:19,500 am I supposed to keep paying for your son's education, eh? 253 00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:23,583 Well, it weren't my idea to send JJ to private school. 254 00:13:23,666 --> 00:13:28,291 He's my blood, Jack. Forgive me for caring. 255 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,791 Trying to give him a leg up, little start in life. 256 00:13:30,875 --> 00:13:33,208 I know. I appreciate it. 257 00:13:34,666 --> 00:13:36,916 Ron, any chance you can get me 258 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,333 on one of your scaffolding teams? 259 00:13:38,416 --> 00:13:39,916 Cos I've got to prove I'm working. 260 00:13:41,541 --> 00:13:43,791 That's a young man's game, that. 261 00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:46,208 I've got no room for messers. 262 00:13:46,291 --> 00:13:48,000 You've got to be fit. 263 00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:51,000 I just need a job. I'll do anything. 264 00:13:51,083 --> 00:13:52,208 [Ron] Yeah? 265 00:13:52,291 --> 00:13:55,416 Well, start by carving this fucking bird up. 266 00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,125 I've got stuffing to make. 267 00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:02,208 Success didn't ruin my father-in-law. 268 00:14:02,291 --> 00:14:04,750 He's always been a cunt. 269 00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:07,833 [panpipes version of "Love Is All Around" plays] 270 00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:38,416 Look, Granddad. I've got a hard-on. 271 00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:40,791 [music stops] 272 00:14:40,875 --> 00:14:43,500 Babe, you can't say that at the table. OK? 273 00:14:47,041 --> 00:14:49,791 I need a word. Now. 274 00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:56,875 See? Private school's doing him the world of good. 275 00:14:57,875 --> 00:15:00,208 Listen. 276 00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:03,166 I might have a bit of graft for ya. 277 00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:06,000 My Kenny Boy's coming home. Needs someone to look after him. 278 00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:08,583 Me look after Kenny Boy? 279 00:15:08,666 --> 00:15:11,791 He's been in a health farm. 280 00:15:12,458 --> 00:15:14,041 I've got a lot on my plate, Ron. 281 00:15:15,166 --> 00:15:17,208 He's your wife's brother, Jack. 282 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,333 Half-brother. 283 00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:20,666 What fucking difference does it make, eh? 284 00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:23,541 You said you wanted a job, didn't ya? 285 00:15:26,291 --> 00:15:31,208 Look, I know you're struggling, yeah? I just wanna help. 286 00:15:31,625 --> 00:15:33,333 Here's a bit of readies. 287 00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:36,500 Take this to be getting on with. 288 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:42,666 Do something nice. Take him to the fair or something. 289 00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:44,375 The fair? 290 00:15:44,458 --> 00:15:46,458 He's twenty-fucking-five, Ron. 291 00:15:46,541 --> 00:15:48,083 We'll look like a pair of bacons. 292 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,333 Come on. 293 00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:56,916 When's he home anyway? 294 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,000 [laughs] 295 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,416 [Jack] Kenny Boy was brought up 296 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:00,791 on a healthy diet of pornography 297 00:16:00,875 --> 00:16:03,000 YouTube violence, and parental neglect. 298 00:16:03,083 --> 00:16:04,791 A mentally unstable 'roid jacker 299 00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:06,208 with a vicious bowl haircut 300 00:16:06,291 --> 00:16:07,291 and a constant semi, 301 00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:09,333 he's of the generation that thinks choking a bird 302 00:16:09,416 --> 00:16:11,625 while smashing her back doors in is Morse code for saying, 303 00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:13,500 "I love ya," and robbing your dad's house 304 00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,666 is just a way of accessing your inheritance early. 305 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:19,875 Pills, fight, wank, repeat. Pills, fight, wank, repeat. 306 00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:26,500 Not quite the health farm Ron had in mind. 307 00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,708 He was thinking ice baths and reiki. 308 00:16:28,791 --> 00:16:30,458 This gaff's method is Thorazine 309 00:16:30,541 --> 00:16:32,791 and repeats of Escape to the Country. 310 00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:36,125 Still, as long as he's had his volts, he'll be raring to go. 311 00:16:36,208 --> 00:16:37,750 [gate buzzes open] 312 00:16:37,833 --> 00:16:40,416 Kenny Boy. How are you, mate? 313 00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:43,750 Sweet, mate. I never thought I'd get out. 314 00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:47,166 Gaff's full of Fraggles. Gotta love the NHS, though. 315 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:50,000 Some fucking junior doctor's charged me up like a Tesla. 316 00:16:50,083 --> 00:16:51,666 What's the prognosis? 317 00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,833 BPD, GAD, OCD, 318 00:16:53,916 --> 00:16:58,375 PTSD, SAD and DPDD. 319 00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,333 Apart from that, I'm fine. 320 00:17:00,416 --> 00:17:03,500 Ha-ha. Only joking. I'm just bipolar. 321 00:17:03,583 --> 00:17:06,000 -Come here, Jack, I missed ya. -[chuckles] 322 00:17:06,458 --> 00:17:09,291 [♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky] 323 00:17:23,833 --> 00:17:26,291 What are you doing? Can't be healthy. 324 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,208 Sweet, mate, they're organic. 325 00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:32,541 Just saying, slow down. You'll go mad. 326 00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:37,875 Don't worry. I'm already mad. [laughs] 327 00:17:37,958 --> 00:17:39,708 [continues laughing] 328 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:42,208 I'm only joking. 329 00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:45,708 [exhales] 330 00:17:45,791 --> 00:17:47,416 I feel reem. 331 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,458 I do need to make a pitstop, though. 332 00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:51,958 I can't, I've got to go to therapy with Dani. 333 00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:55,458 Therapy with my sister? Fucking hell. 334 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:58,000 Everyone knows your marriage is already fucked, mate. 335 00:17:58,083 --> 00:18:00,958 Just accept it and pull over. 336 00:18:01,583 --> 00:18:03,958 It's a fucking court order, Kenny Boy. 337 00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,875 [♪ "Angels" by Robbie Williams] 338 00:18:13,458 --> 00:18:16,083 Sweet, mate. I'll only be a minute. 339 00:18:23,041 --> 00:18:24,791 He drops off the bag, 340 00:18:24,875 --> 00:18:27,833 leaving the two young gazelles to serve up. 341 00:18:31,666 --> 00:18:34,958 At the same time, leaving them vulnerable 342 00:18:35,041 --> 00:18:36,875 to leopard attack. 343 00:18:36,958 --> 00:18:38,958 What the fuck are you talking about? 344 00:18:43,291 --> 00:18:44,750 Crank. 345 00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,500 Numbed out on clozapine and asenapine, 346 00:18:47,583 --> 00:18:50,666 Kenny Boy was about as in touch with his feelings as the Tories, 347 00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:53,375 so he reverted to getting his kicks from... 348 00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:54,791 [grunts] 349 00:18:54,875 --> 00:18:57,000 [♪ "Angels" continues] 350 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,583 [Kenny Boy laughs] 351 00:19:00,666 --> 00:19:02,583 The good thing about robbing drug dealers, 352 00:19:02,666 --> 00:19:05,375 if you're game enough, is they can't go crying to the police. 353 00:19:05,458 --> 00:19:07,666 The bad thing about robbing drug dealers 354 00:19:07,750 --> 00:19:09,000 is they'll do anything, 355 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:11,375 and I mean fucking anything, to save face. 356 00:19:11,458 --> 00:19:13,916 Don't say I didn't warn you, Kenny Boy. 357 00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:16,416 [♪ "Angels" continues] 358 00:19:19,916 --> 00:19:21,458 [indistinct] 359 00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:24,041 [clock ticks] 360 00:19:32,791 --> 00:19:35,708 I'd be happy for you to take the session for yourself, Dani. 361 00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:37,250 No, I don't want to sit here 362 00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,958 moaning about that prick for an hour. 363 00:19:40,041 --> 00:19:41,208 Why not? 364 00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:51,666 You know what spins my nut? 365 00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,250 He had so much fucking potential. 366 00:19:56,583 --> 00:19:58,333 [therapist] What about you? 367 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,458 It's OK. 368 00:20:10,958 --> 00:20:14,250 You don't need to tell me anything if you're not ready. 369 00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:20,000 I wanted to go to art college. 370 00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:21,458 He said I could draw about as well 371 00:20:21,541 --> 00:20:23,375 as Stephen Hawking, cheeky cunt. 372 00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,541 Have you ever thought about trying again? 373 00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:29,000 Art college, I mean? 374 00:20:30,333 --> 00:20:33,375 I wonder how that might feel, to do something for yourself. 375 00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:37,875 Just something to consider. 376 00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:43,833 Have probation suggested couples workshops? 377 00:20:43,916 --> 00:20:47,625 I'd imagine he'd rather give his cocaine to the homeless. 378 00:20:47,708 --> 00:20:50,666 Well, they can be really transformative. 379 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,250 And remember, if he doesn't attend, 380 00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,125 the court will hear about it. 381 00:20:56,458 --> 00:20:59,541 He's a wanker, but he's trying. 382 00:21:08,416 --> 00:21:10,416 [laughs] 383 00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:15,125 Oh, Komodo dragon, my favourite. 384 00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:16,666 Here, have that, you pair of cunts. 385 00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:18,083 [laughs] 386 00:21:18,166 --> 00:21:19,250 Have your Komodo dragon. 387 00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:20,916 Here you are, here's four giraffes. 388 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:22,958 [Kenny Boy laughs] 389 00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:27,041 Health farm did him a lot of good, then! 390 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:29,208 He's fucking doolally, Rog. 391 00:21:29,291 --> 00:21:31,750 I gotta make sure he stays out of trouble. 392 00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,291 Funny place to bring him, Jack. 393 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:36,666 Everyone's washed their hands of him. Poor kid. 394 00:21:36,750 --> 00:21:38,416 This way, I can keep my eye on him. 395 00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:40,958 Ain't you supposed to be going to therapy? 396 00:21:41,041 --> 00:21:42,416 I'm sweet, mate. 397 00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:45,250 I've not had a booze or a sniff in a week. 398 00:21:46,291 --> 00:21:47,791 Proud of you, mush. 399 00:21:51,041 --> 00:21:52,500 Fuck are you staring at? 400 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:54,541 I'm watching your back, you little mug. 401 00:21:54,625 --> 00:21:57,666 You look like a bacon lurking outside a primary school. 402 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,625 [laughter] 403 00:21:59,708 --> 00:22:01,666 [man] Fucking bacon! 404 00:22:01,750 --> 00:22:03,500 Pipe down, you. 405 00:22:03,875 --> 00:22:07,083 Right, I'm going khazi. Come out the way. 406 00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:15,166 -How much are you buying? -Hold tight. 407 00:22:15,250 --> 00:22:17,333 I'm not sure that's a good idea, Ken. 408 00:22:17,416 --> 00:22:20,083 Oh, fuck him, he's a fucking boring cunt anyway. 409 00:22:20,833 --> 00:22:22,875 Fuck him, he's a Jils anyway. 410 00:22:23,833 --> 00:22:27,208 I know. I know. I shouldn't be here. 411 00:22:27,291 --> 00:22:30,000 But at least my mates have got my back. 412 00:22:45,750 --> 00:22:47,666 How, uh, how are you getting on with the missus? 413 00:22:47,750 --> 00:22:49,750 She's doing my fucking swede, mate. 414 00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:52,166 I told her, "Take the kids to Center Parcs for the weekend, 415 00:22:52,250 --> 00:22:54,083 I'm going Tranmere." She goes, "Tranmere?" 416 00:22:54,166 --> 00:22:56,625 "Sounds like a fucking highly flammable fabric." 417 00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:58,333 [Kenny Boy laughs] 418 00:22:58,416 --> 00:23:00,583 I said, "I couldn't give a fuck, love. I'm out." 419 00:23:00,666 --> 00:23:03,916 And when I say out, I mean out out. 420 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,333 She goes, "What about the kids' bedtime story?" 421 00:23:06,416 --> 00:23:08,791 I goes, "It'll be a good morning story if I'm lucky." 422 00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:10,375 "I'm gonna get fucking spangled." 423 00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:12,416 You all right, Jack? 424 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,416 You look like you've got the horrors. 425 00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:18,125 Naughty bit of orange juice, this, Ken. Cunt. 426 00:23:18,208 --> 00:23:20,583 [Kenny Boy laughs] 427 00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:24,625 [Jack] Tranmere, the only place in the UK 428 00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:27,250 that still looks like an Eastern Bloc country from the '80s. 429 00:23:27,333 --> 00:23:31,416 The poorer cousins of Liverpool, if you can imagine such a place. 430 00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:33,791 Population of around 200,000, 431 00:23:33,875 --> 00:23:36,833 most of them on smack or mobility scooters. 432 00:23:37,416 --> 00:23:39,666 But still, they got a good firm, 433 00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:41,250 as Vinny is about to find out. 434 00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:43,625 You can pretend that we don't exist, 435 00:23:43,708 --> 00:23:45,583 put us in England's bin of undesirables, 436 00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,916 but like a fatal car crash, you can't help but watch us 437 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,500 from the safety of your own vehicles. 438 00:23:49,583 --> 00:23:51,250 Get on that. 439 00:23:54,625 --> 00:23:55,875 Vin! 440 00:23:59,666 --> 00:24:01,166 -Come on then. -Come on then! 441 00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:03,958 -You fucking want it or what? -[shouting] 442 00:24:04,041 --> 00:24:05,250 [glass breaks] 443 00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:23,166 Get these fuckers! Come on! 444 00:24:46,500 --> 00:24:48,958 I'm going to fucking kill you, you cock! 445 00:24:49,041 --> 00:24:50,708 You are fucking dead! 446 00:24:51,166 --> 00:24:52,583 Fucking mad. 447 00:24:57,416 --> 00:24:59,333 [indistinct whispering voices] 448 00:24:59,416 --> 00:25:02,083 [female voice] Welcome to London Bathrooms. 449 00:25:02,166 --> 00:25:06,375 Please ensure you keep the premises clean at all times. 450 00:25:06,458 --> 00:25:08,125 And most importantly, 451 00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,875 enjoy your stay. 452 00:25:09,958 --> 00:25:12,041 Enjoy your stay? 453 00:25:13,083 --> 00:25:15,708 This gaff's barely fit for homeless smackheads. 454 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,208 Jack. Sniff that dickie 455 00:25:19,291 --> 00:25:21,916 and there's no telling where you'll land. 456 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:25,083 Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. 457 00:25:25,791 --> 00:25:28,125 Do you really? 458 00:25:28,208 --> 00:25:31,666 Open this can of worms and you may never come back. 459 00:25:31,750 --> 00:25:35,208 -Listen, love, I'm sweet. -Are you? 460 00:25:35,291 --> 00:25:37,541 Mid-40s with a belly hanging over your jeans, 461 00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:41,500 a tiny cock and six weeks to sort your life out? 462 00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:45,583 Yeah? At least I'm not the one stuck in a fucking toilet. 463 00:25:46,458 --> 00:25:49,083 Aren't you? [echoes] 464 00:25:52,583 --> 00:25:53,750 Yeah, all right. 465 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,500 Things ain't going too well for me at the moment. 466 00:25:57,583 --> 00:25:59,000 Me neither. 467 00:25:59,500 --> 00:26:01,333 I used to have something about me. 468 00:26:01,416 --> 00:26:04,791 I used to work in the lift at the Hilton, Park Lane. 469 00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:07,750 I'm just a stain on society. 470 00:26:07,833 --> 00:26:10,416 No one wants my type around anymore. 471 00:26:11,083 --> 00:26:12,875 My optics are all wrong. 472 00:26:14,375 --> 00:26:16,541 And no one will care if I'm gone. 473 00:26:19,083 --> 00:26:21,333 Fuck it. You're probably right. 474 00:26:21,416 --> 00:26:25,375 I mean, look at the state of you, you two-bob cunt. 475 00:26:25,458 --> 00:26:27,208 [sniffs] 476 00:26:28,916 --> 00:26:30,458 [bird sings] 477 00:26:38,625 --> 00:26:40,166 [man] Do you think he's OK? 478 00:26:42,041 --> 00:26:43,875 He looks dead. 479 00:26:43,958 --> 00:26:45,916 Chance'd be a fine thing. 480 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,250 Do you know him? 481 00:26:48,666 --> 00:26:51,583 Christ. I'm sorry. Is there anything that I can do? 482 00:26:51,666 --> 00:26:53,375 Hmm. Kill him and marry me. 483 00:26:54,458 --> 00:26:56,625 It was a joke, mate. 484 00:26:56,708 --> 00:26:58,083 Sort of. 485 00:26:58,166 --> 00:27:00,375 -Oi. Oi! -[kicks doorframe] 486 00:27:00,458 --> 00:27:04,416 -Dinlo. All right? -What's the time, babe? 487 00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:06,208 Oh, morning, darling, it's, uh, 488 00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:09,250 just coming up to you're an absolute cunt o'clock. 489 00:27:09,333 --> 00:27:10,625 Fuck. 490 00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:16,708 [Dani] Fuck's sake. 491 00:27:16,791 --> 00:27:19,291 Probation have got me a job interview today. 492 00:27:19,625 --> 00:27:21,291 I ain't going to tell you to change, Jack, 493 00:27:21,375 --> 00:27:23,166 cos I can't bear the disappointment. 494 00:27:23,250 --> 00:27:24,333 But I can tell you 495 00:27:24,416 --> 00:27:26,833 you won't be coming home to a warm bed for much longer. 496 00:27:29,041 --> 00:27:30,041 Wish me luck. 497 00:27:30,125 --> 00:27:32,416 I'd sooner Harvey Weinstein tried to fuck me. 498 00:27:57,291 --> 00:27:59,000 I'm gonna make her proud. 499 00:27:59,083 --> 00:28:02,958 No more dickie, no more booze, no more fighting. 500 00:28:03,041 --> 00:28:04,375 It's all behind me. 501 00:28:04,458 --> 00:28:07,708 I know I can become a productive member of society. 502 00:28:07,791 --> 00:28:09,833 You just watch me go. 503 00:28:12,041 --> 00:28:13,250 What can I get you? 504 00:28:14,625 --> 00:28:16,500 [soft music playing] 505 00:28:25,750 --> 00:28:27,500 [exhales] 506 00:28:32,458 --> 00:28:34,583 [woman laughing] 507 00:28:37,041 --> 00:28:39,833 So, what you been up to before this, matey? 508 00:28:40,625 --> 00:28:42,458 Bit of dickie, couple of pingers, dab of K, 509 00:28:42,541 --> 00:28:44,333 some Valium washed down with lager. 510 00:28:44,416 --> 00:28:45,625 But no brown. 511 00:28:45,708 --> 00:28:48,375 So, why Ledge magazine, Jase? 512 00:28:48,458 --> 00:28:50,166 Jack. 513 00:28:52,833 --> 00:28:54,708 Sorry, matey, I had a massive night. 514 00:28:57,666 --> 00:29:00,166 I just need a job, I don't care what I do. 515 00:29:01,625 --> 00:29:03,458 Want to feign interest in worthy causes, 516 00:29:03,541 --> 00:29:05,041 overshare your life on Instagram 517 00:29:05,125 --> 00:29:07,166 and vilify people from privileged backgrounds? 518 00:29:09,416 --> 00:29:12,833 I'm only joking. [laughs] 519 00:29:12,916 --> 00:29:15,833 No, I've got the perfect opening for you. 520 00:29:15,916 --> 00:29:17,291 Like this brogue, 521 00:29:18,500 --> 00:29:20,916 each of you sees and feels the world... 522 00:29:21,875 --> 00:29:23,041 in a unique way. 523 00:29:23,833 --> 00:29:26,541 Your own interpretation. 524 00:29:27,666 --> 00:29:29,208 And that's what I'm looking for. 525 00:29:32,041 --> 00:29:34,875 And just a reminder about our show coming up 526 00:29:34,958 --> 00:29:38,250 where we invite friends and family to critique our work. 527 00:29:38,333 --> 00:29:41,416 I bet the idea of judgement fills you all with dread. 528 00:29:41,500 --> 00:29:43,625 Well, better get used to it. 529 00:29:44,916 --> 00:29:47,916 Now, I want you to pick a theme. 530 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,958 Movement or love. 531 00:29:51,750 --> 00:29:53,458 Interpret it however you wish. 532 00:29:53,541 --> 00:29:56,208 And remember, the toughest thing in art, 533 00:29:56,291 --> 00:29:58,166 much like in life, 534 00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:01,375 is to be your authentic self. 535 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:05,250 Find your voice. 536 00:30:08,083 --> 00:30:10,916 Right. Ten-minute coffee break for those of you that smoke. 537 00:30:12,166 --> 00:30:14,291 Though I'm not sure anyone does anymore. 538 00:30:17,250 --> 00:30:19,833 I'm a ghost. They don't even know I'm here. 539 00:30:19,916 --> 00:30:21,708 And why should they? 540 00:30:21,791 --> 00:30:23,708 I'm just a fat cunt serving muffins 541 00:30:23,791 --> 00:30:25,750 with nothing to crow about apart from eczema 542 00:30:25,833 --> 00:30:27,208 and a few convictions. 543 00:30:27,291 --> 00:30:29,666 I should be ashamed, yet I feel superior, 544 00:30:29,750 --> 00:30:31,583 like I'm above these little millennial... 545 00:30:31,666 --> 00:30:34,750 -[bangs counter] -Yo. Pain au chocolat, cuz. 546 00:30:34,833 --> 00:30:38,208 -How about a please, cuz? -How about a pain au chocolat? 547 00:30:45,416 --> 00:30:46,583 Uh, tongs. 548 00:30:53,541 --> 00:30:55,041 That's it. 549 00:31:00,375 --> 00:31:01,500 Safe, cuz. 550 00:31:09,375 --> 00:31:10,958 Fucking old boy over here piped up. 551 00:31:11,041 --> 00:31:12,083 Did he? 552 00:31:12,166 --> 00:31:13,958 Yeah, he's got a bit of an attitude, you know? 553 00:31:14,041 --> 00:31:15,250 Getting a right zig 554 00:31:15,333 --> 00:31:17,875 cleaning up after these snowflake shit cunts. 555 00:31:17,958 --> 00:31:21,041 Next one that gets lemon is gonna get stretched out. 556 00:31:21,125 --> 00:31:23,375 Know the feeling, mate. 557 00:31:23,458 --> 00:31:25,083 So what brings you here, Jack? 558 00:31:25,166 --> 00:31:27,583 Always wanted to serve entitled children. 559 00:31:28,333 --> 00:31:29,541 Oh, yeah? 560 00:31:30,750 --> 00:31:33,125 -Desperation. -Hmm! 561 00:31:33,208 --> 00:31:35,083 Try six months in this gaff. 562 00:31:35,166 --> 00:31:37,125 It's spinning my nut, mush. 563 00:31:37,208 --> 00:31:39,083 Why do I feel completely fucking irrelevant? 564 00:31:39,166 --> 00:31:42,791 Cos you are. We both are. 565 00:31:42,875 --> 00:31:44,916 There's a new world sailing past us 566 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,166 and we're merely spectators. 567 00:31:47,250 --> 00:31:49,583 On the government's least-wanted list. 568 00:31:50,583 --> 00:31:53,333 Not just white people, you know? Huh? 569 00:31:53,916 --> 00:31:55,000 Here y'are. 570 00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:58,500 What's up, my negro? 571 00:32:08,375 --> 00:32:09,875 You know what? 572 00:32:10,791 --> 00:32:12,708 I ain't nobody's negro. 573 00:32:22,750 --> 00:32:23,958 Here we go, look who it is. 574 00:32:24,041 --> 00:32:26,375 -I am no one's fucking negro! -[shouting] 575 00:32:26,458 --> 00:32:27,666 Come on! 576 00:32:30,333 --> 00:32:31,750 [shouting continues] 577 00:32:45,625 --> 00:32:49,375 Right, enough! Get off him! 578 00:32:50,083 --> 00:32:51,583 [panting] 579 00:32:51,666 --> 00:32:52,791 [sirens wail] 580 00:32:52,875 --> 00:32:55,083 I was meaning to hand my notice in anyway. 581 00:32:58,083 --> 00:33:00,125 I appreciate your help, though. 582 00:33:00,958 --> 00:33:03,208 Ooh! My negro. 583 00:33:05,416 --> 00:33:08,708 I'm out of here. Before the Babylon men show up. 584 00:33:09,791 --> 00:33:12,250 [twinkling sounds] 585 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,666 Spare some change, please, mate. 586 00:33:24,708 --> 00:33:26,666 I promise I'm not on drugs. 587 00:33:27,625 --> 00:33:29,125 You sure? 588 00:33:29,208 --> 00:33:31,541 Well, maybe just a little dabble. 589 00:33:32,916 --> 00:33:34,041 Fill your boots. 590 00:33:36,416 --> 00:33:39,000 Oh, I fucking love you! 591 00:33:44,125 --> 00:33:46,166 [indistinct chatter] 592 00:34:09,291 --> 00:34:10,541 I think I'll choose love, 593 00:34:10,625 --> 00:34:14,000 just cos my mind goes blank when I think about movement. 594 00:34:14,083 --> 00:34:18,291 Doesn't have to be literal. Could be a soul, a feeling. 595 00:34:21,083 --> 00:34:23,750 Could mean immigration. Movement of people. 596 00:34:24,458 --> 00:34:26,791 I find that a bit obvious, if I'm honest, Vaughn. 597 00:34:26,875 --> 00:34:28,875 Just cos it's more topical than love. 598 00:34:32,875 --> 00:34:34,166 Got a class WhatsApp group 599 00:34:34,250 --> 00:34:36,208 if you want to stick yourself on it. 600 00:34:36,791 --> 00:34:38,333 Just to stay connected. 601 00:34:39,166 --> 00:34:41,875 Sometimes we all meet up, go to a gallery. 602 00:34:42,458 --> 00:34:44,000 Just talk rubbish. 603 00:34:45,083 --> 00:34:46,916 I'm not sure you'd get me to a gallery 604 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,958 but I'm good at talking rubbish. 605 00:34:52,166 --> 00:34:53,625 Well... 606 00:34:55,541 --> 00:34:57,083 Better get back in. 607 00:34:58,833 --> 00:35:00,500 The youth will gossip. 608 00:35:10,500 --> 00:35:12,000 [phone pings] 609 00:35:26,541 --> 00:35:29,250 [♪ "China in Your Hand" by T'Pau] 610 00:35:29,333 --> 00:35:31,041 [barman] You all right, Jack? 611 00:35:31,416 --> 00:35:34,458 Cor, fuck me. You look like you've had a bit of agg, mate. 612 00:35:34,541 --> 00:35:38,000 What you drinking? Lager? 613 00:35:40,333 --> 00:35:41,666 Spirits? 614 00:35:44,458 --> 00:35:47,000 Or something with a little more oomph? 615 00:35:48,916 --> 00:35:49,916 There you are. 616 00:35:50,833 --> 00:35:52,416 Oh. 617 00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:53,916 Get on that. 618 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:55,291 There's enough in there 619 00:35:55,375 --> 00:35:58,541 to get Keith Richards on the fucking dance floor. 620 00:35:58,625 --> 00:36:00,041 Go on, take your pick. 621 00:36:06,416 --> 00:36:08,458 -Oh. -[door opens] 622 00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:16,833 Bit old for CP Company, aren't you, lad? 623 00:36:19,750 --> 00:36:21,208 Oh, what, this? It was a present. 624 00:36:21,291 --> 00:36:23,125 I wouldn't buy this, mate. I'm in me forties. 625 00:36:23,208 --> 00:36:24,958 What team do you support? 626 00:36:25,041 --> 00:36:27,416 I'm not into football. You? 627 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:28,875 Tranmere. 628 00:36:31,333 --> 00:36:32,458 Long way from home. 629 00:36:32,541 --> 00:36:36,458 Looking for someone. Was told we might find him in here. 630 00:36:38,708 --> 00:36:41,041 Eye for an eye, and all that, innit? 631 00:36:46,541 --> 00:36:48,458 This your local, lad? 632 00:36:48,541 --> 00:36:50,958 Nah, I'm just grafting round here. 633 00:36:51,875 --> 00:36:54,083 -I'm from Woking. -[laughter] 634 00:36:54,166 --> 00:36:58,083 Fucking Woking, lad? That where all the woke people are from? 635 00:36:58,166 --> 00:36:59,750 [chuckles] That's hilarious. 636 00:37:05,750 --> 00:37:07,666 [barman] Anyway, thanks for the quote, mate. 637 00:37:07,750 --> 00:37:10,708 If we need any new barrels, I'll, uh... I'll get in touch. 638 00:37:10,791 --> 00:37:11,791 Lovely. 639 00:37:11,875 --> 00:37:15,583 -All right, what you drinking? -Five lagers, please, mate. 640 00:37:15,666 --> 00:37:17,000 Kenny Boy, don't go near the Fox. 641 00:37:17,083 --> 00:37:18,291 I'm coming round to see ya 642 00:37:18,375 --> 00:37:21,875 Kenny Boy, answer the fucking phone, for fuck's sake. 643 00:37:22,875 --> 00:37:24,541 Kenny Boy! 644 00:37:27,583 --> 00:37:28,666 Kenny Boy? 645 00:37:28,750 --> 00:37:32,416 [Kenny Boy mutters] 646 00:37:36,375 --> 00:37:37,791 What's happened? What you done? Eh? 647 00:37:37,875 --> 00:37:39,583 Kenny and Buzz, Kenny and Buzz... 648 00:37:39,666 --> 00:37:42,416 Fuckin' done? Fuck! 649 00:37:44,791 --> 00:37:45,791 Buzz Aldrin on the moon. 650 00:37:45,875 --> 00:37:47,875 You need to get him to go to the moon, Kenny. 651 00:37:52,166 --> 00:37:54,416 -[line rings] -Hello, this is Jack Jones. 652 00:37:54,500 --> 00:37:56,416 I'm calling on behalf of Kenneth Mason. 653 00:37:56,500 --> 00:37:58,666 He's gone completely fucking spastic. 654 00:37:58,750 --> 00:38:00,083 We don't use that term anymore. 655 00:38:00,166 --> 00:38:01,416 No, I do apologise. 656 00:38:01,500 --> 00:38:03,166 He's having one of them mental episodes. 657 00:38:03,250 --> 00:38:05,041 -Find where he keeps his meds. -Yes. 658 00:38:05,125 --> 00:38:06,750 Find the blue pills, chlorpromazine, 659 00:38:06,833 --> 00:38:07,958 give him three of those. 660 00:38:09,916 --> 00:38:12,166 You all right, boy? Eh? 661 00:38:15,750 --> 00:38:16,958 Come here. Come here. 662 00:38:17,041 --> 00:38:19,500 Come on, come here. That's... Come here, that's it, mate. 663 00:38:19,583 --> 00:38:21,625 Right, here you are. Eat these. 664 00:38:21,708 --> 00:38:23,500 Here you are, come here. That's it. 665 00:38:23,583 --> 00:38:25,041 That's it, eat that. Eat 'em. 666 00:38:25,125 --> 00:38:26,833 They're gonna kick in lively, them, 667 00:38:26,916 --> 00:38:29,958 Don't worry, I'm here. That's it, there you go. 668 00:38:30,041 --> 00:38:31,750 That's it. 669 00:38:31,833 --> 00:38:34,250 [Kenny Boy] Jack, what's happening to me? 670 00:38:34,333 --> 00:38:36,375 [Jack] It's all right, I'm here. It don't matter. 671 00:38:36,458 --> 00:38:38,000 [Kenny Boy] Was I out of my head again? 672 00:38:38,083 --> 00:38:43,833 Kenny and Buzz. Kenny and Buzz. Kenny and Buzz. 673 00:38:43,916 --> 00:38:46,041 Don't you worry. I'm here for you. 674 00:38:46,125 --> 00:38:48,458 I ain't gonna leave ya. 675 00:38:48,541 --> 00:38:51,958 -Breathe. Breathe. -[phone buzzes] 676 00:38:56,541 --> 00:38:59,666 [♪ "Miracle" by Adriatique and WhoMadeWho] 677 00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:04,791 [Roger] Jack, I love you, 678 00:39:04,875 --> 00:39:07,875 but I ain't got a fucking clue what you're talking about, mate. 679 00:39:07,958 --> 00:39:10,166 He was laying on the fucking penny having a fit 680 00:39:10,250 --> 00:39:12,833 when I got round there, the poor cunt. 681 00:39:12,916 --> 00:39:15,083 -He's proper ill. -Who? 682 00:39:15,166 --> 00:39:18,416 -Kenny Boy. -Yeah? Got a note on ya? 683 00:39:19,833 --> 00:39:21,875 I only flew round there cos the Tranmere lot, 684 00:39:21,958 --> 00:39:23,541 they was up the Fox looking for him. 685 00:39:24,500 --> 00:39:27,125 He's opened up one of their boys bad, mate. 686 00:39:31,333 --> 00:39:35,541 [coughs] Fuck me, my mouth's dryer than a nun's muff. 687 00:39:35,625 --> 00:39:37,666 Hold tight, I'm going to the john. 688 00:39:42,625 --> 00:39:45,333 Deano, get your nose in the trough, mush. 689 00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:50,458 [indistinct arguing] 690 00:39:50,541 --> 00:39:53,333 You? Dickie? 691 00:39:53,416 --> 00:39:55,541 No, I'm sweet, boys. I... I'm gonna slip. 692 00:39:55,625 --> 00:39:57,458 You know, I promised my old woman. 693 00:39:58,750 --> 00:40:02,791 We've got, um... couples self-help group in the morning. 694 00:40:02,875 --> 00:40:05,625 Yeah? Deano's been going to them, uh, 695 00:40:05,708 --> 00:40:08,083 Narcotics Anonymous meetings, ain't ya, mate? 696 00:40:08,166 --> 00:40:09,250 Yeah. 697 00:40:09,333 --> 00:40:11,166 Doing him the fucking world of good, innit? 698 00:40:11,250 --> 00:40:12,875 [laughs] 699 00:40:12,958 --> 00:40:14,833 See that tricky mug over there? 700 00:40:14,916 --> 00:40:17,833 Just tried tripping me up. Fucking liberty. 701 00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:21,000 Straight! Where are they from? 702 00:40:21,083 --> 00:40:22,958 Look like fuckin' squaddies. 703 00:40:23,041 --> 00:40:25,708 Drop 'em out, Vin. I don't wanna get nicked. 704 00:40:29,833 --> 00:40:32,083 Vin, I've already broke me court order. 705 00:40:32,166 --> 00:40:34,250 I'll go straight to the shovel, mate. 706 00:40:36,375 --> 00:40:39,125 -Fuckin' boom, Vin. -Fuck it. 707 00:40:41,375 --> 00:40:43,375 [indistinct shouting] 708 00:41:08,375 --> 00:41:10,958 [snores] 709 00:41:12,750 --> 00:41:14,458 Fuck's sake, Dad, wake up! 710 00:41:14,541 --> 00:41:16,416 You're supposed to be taking me to Granddad's 711 00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:19,000 so I can have a McDonald's and watch The Exorcist 712 00:41:19,083 --> 00:41:21,875 while you go to couples workshop and save your marriage. 713 00:41:27,333 --> 00:41:29,666 -You're quiet. -Hmm. 714 00:41:29,750 --> 00:41:32,708 [music plays from JJ's game] 715 00:41:37,041 --> 00:41:39,333 I didn't think it'd come to this. 716 00:41:39,416 --> 00:41:41,041 I imagined we'd spend our weekends 717 00:41:41,125 --> 00:41:44,958 -considering suicide in Ikea. -[laughs] 718 00:41:47,750 --> 00:41:49,041 [phone rings] 719 00:41:49,125 --> 00:41:50,541 [Jack] Oh, for fuck's sake. 720 00:41:50,625 --> 00:41:52,500 I need him like a hole in the head at the moment. 721 00:41:52,583 --> 00:41:55,541 Oh, don't tell him I'm with you, he gets all didgey round me. 722 00:41:56,458 --> 00:41:59,250 Kenny Boy. How are ya, mate? 723 00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:02,250 I'm sweet now, mate. Just finishing me cathedral. 724 00:42:04,250 --> 00:42:05,458 Look, I know I'm not well 725 00:42:05,541 --> 00:42:08,083 and everyone would rather wash their hands of me, 726 00:42:08,166 --> 00:42:11,625 but it really matters to me that you're there. 727 00:42:11,708 --> 00:42:13,375 I fucking mean it. 728 00:42:17,250 --> 00:42:20,333 I ain't got no one else in this world, Jack, apart from you. 729 00:42:20,416 --> 00:42:22,500 Fucking no one. 730 00:42:24,041 --> 00:42:25,833 So thank you, mate. 731 00:42:28,625 --> 00:42:29,958 I love you, geez. 732 00:42:32,666 --> 00:42:34,541 Yeah, I love you too, mate. I love you too. 733 00:42:43,125 --> 00:42:44,625 I'm proud of you, Jack. 734 00:42:46,208 --> 00:42:48,458 You're the only one who stood on for him. 735 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,708 My dad gave up years ago, and... 736 00:42:52,791 --> 00:42:55,041 Well, I can't say anything, can I? Cos you know... 737 00:42:56,666 --> 00:42:57,666 But you... 738 00:43:00,500 --> 00:43:02,916 Although I do wonder why you won't help yourself. 739 00:43:06,125 --> 00:43:07,125 Here. 740 00:43:10,750 --> 00:43:13,875 Babe, I forgot to ask, how did your job interview go? 741 00:43:14,541 --> 00:43:16,708 -They fuckin' loved me. -[chuckles] 742 00:43:16,791 --> 00:43:18,916 [chuckles] How was your day? 743 00:43:20,208 --> 00:43:23,958 Yeah. I went back to yoga. 744 00:43:24,041 --> 00:43:26,000 My tree pose is terrible, 745 00:43:26,083 --> 00:43:28,375 and my back's fucked. 746 00:43:28,458 --> 00:43:31,041 I just can't seem to get my leg over anymore. 747 00:43:31,125 --> 00:43:33,333 [JJ] Sounds like Daddy. 748 00:43:38,541 --> 00:43:39,791 Celery, Ron. 749 00:43:39,875 --> 00:43:43,666 It's been suggested that we ween him off of ultra-processed food. 750 00:43:43,750 --> 00:43:45,500 I've got Deliveroo turning up in a minute 751 00:43:45,583 --> 00:43:47,125 with a couple of fucking Big Macs. 752 00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:48,416 No, McDonald's is sweet. 753 00:43:48,500 --> 00:43:51,416 It's all that other shit you gotta avoid. Know what I mean? 754 00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:54,208 So what goes on at this workshop then, eh? 755 00:43:54,291 --> 00:43:57,916 Full of fucking rug munchers and flids, I bet. 756 00:43:58,000 --> 00:44:00,125 I'm just keeping me nut down, Ron. 757 00:44:00,208 --> 00:44:01,791 Got to shoot off, we're gonna be late. 758 00:44:01,875 --> 00:44:03,375 Yeah, yeah, sweet. 759 00:44:04,291 --> 00:44:06,541 So what's the apple with my Kenny Boy, eh? 760 00:44:07,708 --> 00:44:08,958 Good as gold. 761 00:44:10,250 --> 00:44:13,583 Yeah? So what you been up to then? 762 00:44:15,083 --> 00:44:16,791 I won't tell him about the breakdown 763 00:44:16,875 --> 00:44:18,666 cos I know he don't give a fuck. 764 00:44:20,833 --> 00:44:23,291 Chillaxing, really. 765 00:44:25,041 --> 00:44:28,333 Don't you take my kindness for weakness, do you hear me? 766 00:44:28,416 --> 00:44:30,875 I could take the roof away from over your head 767 00:44:30,958 --> 00:44:32,833 in a fucking heartbeat. 768 00:44:33,958 --> 00:44:39,041 Anything happens to my Kenny Boy... you're bang in trouble. 769 00:44:39,125 --> 00:44:42,583 Got it. He's safe with me, Ron. 770 00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:47,041 Chillaxing, the saucy cunt. 771 00:44:52,958 --> 00:44:56,250 I think I'd probably be... the Hulk, 772 00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:59,416 cos I have, like, a real issue expressing my anger, 773 00:44:59,500 --> 00:45:03,500 and... when it does come out, I go like metaphorically 774 00:45:03,583 --> 00:45:07,166 fucking green, and just feel wildly out of control. 775 00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,250 Shall we give him a round of applause? 776 00:45:12,333 --> 00:45:14,333 [applause] 777 00:45:18,416 --> 00:45:21,875 That is a wonderfully visceral description of your anger, Lyle. 778 00:45:21,958 --> 00:45:25,250 Well done. We welcome your honesty. 779 00:45:26,416 --> 00:45:28,916 And, Fi, would you like to say anything to Lyle, 780 00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:32,666 in the spirit of openness and generosity? 781 00:45:32,750 --> 00:45:35,375 Um... I see you, my husband. 782 00:45:35,458 --> 00:45:38,500 And it's OK to express your anger. 783 00:45:38,583 --> 00:45:42,875 I'm scared... but I'm held in this moment. 784 00:45:44,583 --> 00:45:48,750 Now, as a group, we hold this space... 785 00:45:48,833 --> 00:45:52,541 as we close our eyes and we breathe. 786 00:45:52,625 --> 00:45:56,541 [group inhales deeply] 787 00:45:56,625 --> 00:45:59,041 [they exhale] 788 00:46:08,666 --> 00:46:09,666 Gareth. 789 00:46:09,750 --> 00:46:12,416 Gareth, have you thought about who your superhero might be? 790 00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:13,625 Hm-hmm. 791 00:46:17,583 --> 00:46:20,291 I feel like the Invisible Man. [sighs] 792 00:46:22,958 --> 00:46:24,291 This is what ten years in prison 793 00:46:24,375 --> 00:46:26,500 with Prince Harry would feel like. 794 00:46:30,041 --> 00:46:32,041 I transferred to Edinburgh to finish my masters, 795 00:46:32,125 --> 00:46:34,666 cos I found social sciences at Bristol overly politicised 796 00:46:34,750 --> 00:46:36,458 -if I'm honest. -I know, right? 797 00:46:36,541 --> 00:46:38,833 I was doing English lit, and in the second year, 798 00:46:38,916 --> 00:46:40,875 the syllabus focused on post-colonial reading, 799 00:46:40,958 --> 00:46:43,625 and I was like, I came here to learn Shakespeare, bro. 800 00:46:43,708 --> 00:46:46,375 -And hunt chicks, of course. -[chuckles] 801 00:46:47,500 --> 00:46:48,916 What about you, Jack? 802 00:46:51,583 --> 00:46:53,791 -What's that, mate? -Where did you study? 803 00:46:56,333 --> 00:46:58,791 Your lot don't bother with uni, do they, Jack? 804 00:46:59,250 --> 00:47:01,250 School of life, blood. 805 00:47:01,333 --> 00:47:04,125 Anyway... [continues indistinctly] 806 00:47:04,208 --> 00:47:06,500 Dani, I want you to tell Jack what you want from him. 807 00:47:09,291 --> 00:47:10,416 [Dani chuckles] 808 00:47:10,500 --> 00:47:14,208 -Don't make me laugh. -I'm not, I swear. All right? 809 00:47:14,291 --> 00:47:15,791 -Go on. -Fuck off. 810 00:47:19,166 --> 00:47:20,708 [group leader] In your own time, Dani. 811 00:47:24,708 --> 00:47:26,000 [sighs] 812 00:47:28,208 --> 00:47:30,291 I want you to babysit. 813 00:47:33,541 --> 00:47:35,916 I mean, I wouldn't bother asking for anything else, 814 00:47:36,000 --> 00:47:38,375 cos it'd be a waste of time. 815 00:47:38,458 --> 00:47:41,541 There's no point in asking you to be more attentive, 816 00:47:41,625 --> 00:47:45,083 or... not so fucking defensive. 817 00:47:45,166 --> 00:47:48,041 Stop telling me how to run my life better, or... 818 00:47:48,958 --> 00:47:51,333 show a bit of compassion when I'm struggling. 819 00:47:52,875 --> 00:47:54,250 To give a single fucking fuck 820 00:47:54,333 --> 00:47:56,541 when I'm pre-menstrual or ill or whatever. 821 00:47:57,250 --> 00:47:59,708 No, I don't expect any of that anymore. 822 00:48:00,708 --> 00:48:03,625 I just want you to babysit so I can have a night off. 823 00:48:05,083 --> 00:48:06,375 Yeah. 824 00:48:11,333 --> 00:48:13,458 And Jack, what do you wanna say to Dani? 825 00:48:21,625 --> 00:48:22,708 What night? 826 00:48:24,166 --> 00:48:25,458 What night, what? 827 00:48:25,541 --> 00:48:26,875 What night do you want me to babysit? 828 00:48:26,958 --> 00:48:30,250 Cos we've got Yeovil, so... 829 00:48:32,166 --> 00:48:37,458 I think Dani meant generally, Jack. Unless I misread that? 830 00:48:37,541 --> 00:48:38,625 [scoffs] 831 00:48:40,291 --> 00:48:42,250 How does that make you feel, Dani? 832 00:48:43,250 --> 00:48:45,958 Is being a massive cunt a feeling? 833 00:48:55,458 --> 00:48:57,208 I've got something else to tell ya. 834 00:49:00,333 --> 00:49:01,500 I didn't go yoga. 835 00:49:05,125 --> 00:49:06,875 I went back to art college. 836 00:49:10,625 --> 00:49:12,916 Well, I've got something to tell you an' all. 837 00:49:17,541 --> 00:49:19,041 I'm proud of ya. 838 00:49:25,208 --> 00:49:27,875 And I won't go to football if you don't want me to. 839 00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:32,083 Fuck it. I'm done with it. 840 00:49:42,750 --> 00:49:45,666 I'd, uh, like to lay down a challenge. 841 00:49:45,750 --> 00:49:49,208 I want you to consider going back to the place 842 00:49:49,291 --> 00:49:50,333 you had your first date. 843 00:49:50,416 --> 00:49:51,875 [chuckles] 844 00:49:51,958 --> 00:49:52,958 [group leader chuckles] 845 00:49:55,000 --> 00:49:58,166 Now, it's unlikely you'll feel the same emotions 846 00:49:58,250 --> 00:50:00,583 as you did when you first met, 847 00:50:00,666 --> 00:50:03,666 but trust the process is all I ask, and... 848 00:50:04,791 --> 00:50:06,333 you might be surprised. 849 00:50:16,708 --> 00:50:18,708 [fire crackles] 850 00:50:20,125 --> 00:50:22,208 -You can come in now. -[door opens] 851 00:50:26,125 --> 00:50:28,791 I thought I might let you smash my back doors in. 852 00:50:31,166 --> 00:50:32,833 And here's me thinking I only married you 853 00:50:32,916 --> 00:50:34,375 so you'd do me laundry. 854 00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:36,833 Come and fuck me, you fat old cunt. 855 00:50:46,958 --> 00:50:48,958 -Knackered? -Exhausted. 856 00:50:49,041 --> 00:50:50,791 -Cuddle? -Love one. 857 00:50:58,875 --> 00:51:00,291 [Dani sighs gently] 858 00:51:04,541 --> 00:51:05,583 [phone buzzes] 859 00:51:38,125 --> 00:51:40,291 Gotta go and see a fella from work. 860 00:51:41,541 --> 00:51:43,833 Well, I guess, if it's important. 861 00:51:44,958 --> 00:51:48,375 I can't ponce off your old man for the rest of me life, can I? 862 00:51:48,458 --> 00:51:49,666 Eh? 863 00:51:56,458 --> 00:51:58,708 -Love you. -Hmm. 864 00:51:59,625 --> 00:52:01,041 [door closes] 865 00:52:02,083 --> 00:52:04,125 [sighs] Cunt. 866 00:52:20,250 --> 00:52:22,041 [♪ "How Deep is Your Love" by The Bee Gees] 867 00:52:27,458 --> 00:52:29,625 [Jack] Thinking the boys would give me a hero's welcome 868 00:52:29,708 --> 00:52:32,666 for staying sober proved to be a considerable mistake. 869 00:52:32,750 --> 00:52:35,416 Instead, I was made to feel about as welcome as Andrew Tate 870 00:52:35,500 --> 00:52:38,166 at the Ipswich Lesbians' annual vegan lunch. 871 00:52:44,916 --> 00:52:46,500 No Kenny Boy? 872 00:52:46,583 --> 00:52:49,291 He mentioned something about having sushi with Buzz Aldrin. 873 00:53:03,666 --> 00:53:05,333 -Lager for Vinny. -Ta, mate. 874 00:53:06,666 --> 00:53:08,208 -Lager for Deano. -Ta, mate. 875 00:53:09,333 --> 00:53:11,916 Lager for Roger. That's me. 876 00:53:15,541 --> 00:53:18,166 -Pear juice for Jack. -Sweet, Rog. 877 00:53:19,833 --> 00:53:24,708 You, uh... you coming football? We got Yeovil. 878 00:53:24,791 --> 00:53:26,541 [slurps drink] 879 00:53:30,208 --> 00:53:33,041 [slurping continues] 880 00:53:40,833 --> 00:53:42,250 I'm gonna have a lag. 881 00:53:45,375 --> 00:53:47,583 Fuck me, the geezer's completely gone. 882 00:53:47,666 --> 00:53:50,166 -It's worse than I thought. -He's shot to bits. 883 00:53:50,250 --> 00:53:52,750 -Totally weighed in. -Absolute shit cunt. 884 00:53:52,833 --> 00:53:55,000 It's embarrassing. What are we gonna do? 885 00:53:55,083 --> 00:53:56,625 Don't worry about it. 886 00:53:56,708 --> 00:53:58,291 I left him a livener in the khazi. 887 00:53:58,375 --> 00:53:59,958 [Roger] Straight? What'd you give him? 888 00:54:00,041 --> 00:54:01,041 [Vinny] I taped a packet 889 00:54:01,125 --> 00:54:02,666 and a couple of pills to the toilet wall. 890 00:54:02,750 --> 00:54:04,041 That'll liven the Jils up. 891 00:54:07,875 --> 00:54:09,333 That's friendship for ya. 892 00:54:09,416 --> 00:54:11,083 They think they're doing you a favour, 893 00:54:11,166 --> 00:54:12,291 but they forgot how you 894 00:54:12,375 --> 00:54:14,583 almost wound up wanking off bent vicars for readies, 895 00:54:14,666 --> 00:54:17,791 or selling your son's christening presents for dickie. 896 00:54:17,875 --> 00:54:19,791 They're not the ones with a prison sentence 897 00:54:19,875 --> 00:54:21,583 hanging over their heads though, are they? 898 00:54:52,416 --> 00:54:54,333 [sniffs] 899 00:54:54,416 --> 00:54:56,125 What's that? 900 00:54:58,333 --> 00:54:59,541 I dunno. 901 00:55:00,833 --> 00:55:02,916 Smells like pear juice. 902 00:55:15,250 --> 00:55:17,875 Dad, is Mum having an affair? 903 00:55:17,958 --> 00:55:20,291 I hope not. What makes you say that? 904 00:55:20,375 --> 00:55:22,916 She said that if ever you pick me up from school, 905 00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:25,916 it means she's either dead or run off with another man. 906 00:55:26,000 --> 00:55:28,041 -Uncle Kenny! -[Kenny Boy] Hey. 907 00:55:30,666 --> 00:55:32,833 Kenny Boy, where you been? 908 00:55:32,916 --> 00:55:34,958 Working on myself. 909 00:55:35,041 --> 00:55:36,875 Is this good Kenny Boy or bad Kenny Boy? 910 00:55:36,958 --> 00:55:39,375 Always good Kenny Boy. 911 00:55:39,458 --> 00:55:41,125 It wants to be an' all. 912 00:55:41,208 --> 00:55:44,458 ♪ First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 913 00:55:44,541 --> 00:55:48,000 ♪ A partridge in a pear tree 914 00:55:48,083 --> 00:55:51,625 ♪ Two, four, six, eight, we don't want to radiate 915 00:55:51,708 --> 00:55:53,250 ♪ Three, five, seven, nine 916 00:55:53,333 --> 00:55:55,500 ♪ Stop the bomb while we've still got time 917 00:55:55,583 --> 00:55:57,583 [Kenny imitates explosion, laughs] 918 00:55:57,666 --> 00:55:59,625 So glad to see you, Uncle Kenny. 919 00:55:59,708 --> 00:56:01,208 Mum said you had a mental breakdown 920 00:56:01,291 --> 00:56:03,458 and went completely fucking spastic again. 921 00:56:03,541 --> 00:56:05,041 [laughs] 922 00:56:05,125 --> 00:56:09,666 [♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky] 923 00:56:09,750 --> 00:56:11,875 That's your favourite airline, Colombian Airlines, 924 00:56:11,958 --> 00:56:13,250 cos this is all you order, 925 00:56:13,333 --> 00:56:15,708 "I'd like to have the dickie with dickie, 926 00:56:15,791 --> 00:56:17,916 and I'd like to season it with dickie." 927 00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:19,291 [Kenny laughs] 928 00:56:19,375 --> 00:56:22,833 [♪ "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves] 929 00:56:24,416 --> 00:56:27,208 What you doing? I said I'd let you drive us home. 930 00:56:27,291 --> 00:56:28,666 -Hold tight. -[turns music off] 931 00:56:28,750 --> 00:56:30,291 See a man about a dog. 932 00:56:35,458 --> 00:56:37,416 Where's he going? 933 00:56:37,500 --> 00:56:40,708 [Jack] He's going fucking doolally is where he's going. 934 00:56:40,791 --> 00:56:41,791 [Jack sighs] 935 00:56:49,000 --> 00:56:50,000 All right, mate? 936 00:56:50,083 --> 00:56:52,208 What's happening, cuz? You got any food? 937 00:56:52,291 --> 00:56:53,958 -What do you want, mate? -The lot, cunt. 938 00:56:54,041 --> 00:56:56,000 [man groans and yells] 939 00:57:01,666 --> 00:57:03,791 [Jack] Fuckin' hell, they're two-handed. 940 00:57:05,666 --> 00:57:07,125 You stay here. Do you understand me? 941 00:57:07,208 --> 00:57:08,375 You don't move. 942 00:57:10,583 --> 00:57:11,791 Dad? 943 00:57:16,958 --> 00:57:19,125 -[man 2] Fuck off! -[Kenny Boy groans] 944 00:57:19,208 --> 00:57:21,541 -Prick! Fucking want some more? -Oh, mate. Mate. 945 00:57:23,416 --> 00:57:25,541 [man 2 groans] 946 00:57:25,625 --> 00:57:27,000 [man 1] Come here. 947 00:57:32,333 --> 00:57:35,541 [Kenny Boy] Cunts! [laughs] 948 00:57:37,666 --> 00:57:39,125 He's got a fucking shooter! 949 00:57:39,208 --> 00:57:41,125 He's got a fucking shooter! 950 00:57:45,041 --> 00:57:47,666 [gunshots] 951 00:57:49,791 --> 00:57:50,833 JJ! 952 00:57:52,083 --> 00:57:54,416 [Jack] Fucking run, boy! Run! 953 00:57:58,333 --> 00:58:00,750 I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry you had to see that. 954 00:58:00,833 --> 00:58:02,958 But you got to understand that your Uncle Kenny Boy, 955 00:58:03,041 --> 00:58:04,875 he's fucking doolally, this geezer. 956 00:58:04,958 --> 00:58:07,000 What you can't do is tell your mum. 957 00:58:07,083 --> 00:58:08,958 Cos if you tell your mum, I get aimed out. 958 00:58:09,041 --> 00:58:10,333 We know what happens, don't we? 959 00:58:10,416 --> 00:58:13,833 -Yeah, I'll have a new dad. -[laughs] 960 00:58:13,916 --> 00:58:16,958 That's it, we'll have a laugh about this one day. All right? 961 00:58:17,041 --> 00:58:20,416 Not a word to your mum. Not a word, all right? 962 00:58:20,500 --> 00:58:23,708 -And I'll get you a Big Mac. -Fucking Big Mac? That's it? 963 00:58:23,791 --> 00:58:26,291 All right, I'll get you some edibles, an iPad code, 964 00:58:26,375 --> 00:58:28,541 laughing gas. 965 00:58:28,625 --> 00:58:30,458 I might even get you a brass. 966 00:58:31,916 --> 00:58:35,041 -That was a joke. -[distant police siren] 967 00:58:40,333 --> 00:58:41,666 Good boy. 968 00:58:41,750 --> 00:58:43,791 [muffled] Managed to stay out of trouble? 969 00:58:48,500 --> 00:58:50,375 You were barely in the job five minutes... 970 00:58:50,458 --> 00:58:52,000 [normal] ..before a fight broke out. 971 00:58:52,083 --> 00:58:53,333 [Jack] I didn't start it. 972 00:58:53,416 --> 00:58:55,958 You're 45, not 11. 973 00:58:56,041 --> 00:58:59,166 And what was the reason you didn't show up to therapy? 974 00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:00,791 Running battle with Tranmere. 975 00:59:02,083 --> 00:59:03,625 I had to look after my brother-in-law. 976 00:59:03,708 --> 00:59:06,083 He's got mental health issues. 977 00:59:06,166 --> 00:59:08,916 It's called a court order for a reason. 978 00:59:10,666 --> 00:59:13,291 You've got two weeks before sentencing. 979 00:59:13,375 --> 00:59:14,666 Show me something, Jack, 980 00:59:14,750 --> 00:59:16,583 anything that will make me believe you. 981 00:59:22,666 --> 00:59:25,500 [Jack] You never noticed she was so stunning. 982 00:59:25,583 --> 00:59:27,583 Or maybe you just never noticed anything at all. 983 00:59:27,666 --> 00:59:29,791 She had so many attributes that were lost on you, 984 00:59:29,875 --> 00:59:33,375 but above all else, she had kindness in her soul. 985 00:59:33,458 --> 00:59:36,250 which was odd seeing as her dad was such a titanic cunt 986 00:59:36,333 --> 00:59:38,708 and her brother was a complete fucking pothouse. 987 00:59:38,791 --> 00:59:40,583 Help me with these please, babe. 988 00:59:42,250 --> 00:59:44,958 Years of taking her for granted had eroded that passion 989 00:59:45,041 --> 00:59:47,208 that burned so brightly. 990 00:59:47,291 --> 00:59:49,666 All that was left was a love triangle between me, 991 00:59:49,750 --> 00:59:51,583 Dani and dickie. 992 00:59:51,666 --> 00:59:53,458 But the idea of losing her and living on my own 993 00:59:53,541 --> 00:59:54,833 in a one-bedder in Penge 994 00:59:54,916 --> 00:59:57,666 with just Pornhub and Nando's for company 995 00:59:57,750 --> 01:00:01,166 was about as appealing as sitting on Gary Glitter's lap. 996 01:00:01,250 --> 01:00:02,375 There y'are. 997 01:00:06,041 --> 01:00:08,500 It's not lost on me, what you're doing. 998 01:00:08,583 --> 01:00:11,125 -Why, what am I doing? -[laughs] Stop fishing. 999 01:00:11,208 --> 01:00:13,333 -You know. -You mean staying in, 1000 01:00:13,416 --> 01:00:14,791 babysitting, not going to football 1001 01:00:14,875 --> 01:00:16,875 while you go to an art exhibition with your mates? 1002 01:00:16,958 --> 01:00:19,000 You make it less special when you spell it out. 1003 01:00:20,541 --> 01:00:21,541 I'm joking. 1004 01:00:25,458 --> 01:00:27,750 Why are you dressed as Jeremy Corbyn? 1005 01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:29,791 I don't wanna look out of place. 1006 01:00:32,458 --> 01:00:34,208 What am I gonna do while you're out? 1007 01:00:34,291 --> 01:00:36,458 What you normally do, wank and play FIFA. 1008 01:00:37,333 --> 01:00:39,625 Oh, crap. I'm late. 1009 01:00:39,708 --> 01:00:41,916 Right, please make sure he stays off his screens. 1010 01:00:42,000 --> 01:00:43,541 You hear me? No screens. 1011 01:00:43,625 --> 01:00:45,416 Yes. 1012 01:00:45,500 --> 01:00:46,541 See ya, comrade. 1013 01:00:52,833 --> 01:00:55,125 -You piece of shit! -[gunshots] 1014 01:00:56,833 --> 01:00:58,000 Cunt! 1015 01:01:04,541 --> 01:01:06,625 Aim better, you fucking piss-face. 1016 01:01:06,708 --> 01:01:07,958 Shut your mouth. 1017 01:01:08,041 --> 01:01:09,750 -You mug. -You posh mug. 1018 01:01:09,833 --> 01:01:11,375 -I'm not posh. -Private school mug. 1019 01:01:12,416 --> 01:01:13,500 Yes! 1020 01:01:13,583 --> 01:01:15,666 [sound of vacuum cleaner] 1021 01:01:19,500 --> 01:01:20,916 [cleaner makes grinding sound] 1022 01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:22,750 Fuckin' hell! 1023 01:01:27,416 --> 01:01:28,458 -Oi. -Eh? 1024 01:01:28,541 --> 01:01:31,041 -Oi, let me go, you nonce. -Nonce? 1025 01:01:34,708 --> 01:01:37,458 Stupid. Don't... You never take your eyes off your partner. 1026 01:01:37,541 --> 01:01:38,583 -Oh, yeah? -Eh? 1027 01:01:38,666 --> 01:01:40,500 -What's that then? -It's a muncher. 1028 01:01:40,583 --> 01:01:42,875 You shut up before I put you in the nose-bleeding zone. 1029 01:01:50,208 --> 01:01:53,166 Tuppence. Fat, fucking bald tuppence cunt. 1030 01:01:54,625 --> 01:01:55,791 Greedy cunt. 1031 01:01:58,875 --> 01:02:01,208 On the dog, go on. Getcha! 1032 01:02:01,291 --> 01:02:03,875 Yeah, watch out before your absolute twig arms snap. 1033 01:02:03,958 --> 01:02:07,458 You used to be a fuckable cunt, now you're a fat, bald cunt. 1034 01:02:10,500 --> 01:02:11,875 Fucking ashamed of yourself. 1035 01:02:23,416 --> 01:02:25,166 It's your own fucking fault. 1036 01:02:40,375 --> 01:02:42,666 [laughs] 1037 01:02:42,750 --> 01:02:44,333 Oh, yes. 1038 01:02:46,458 --> 01:02:48,750 Love you, boy. I love ya. 1039 01:02:53,166 --> 01:02:54,750 [kisses] 1040 01:02:55,333 --> 01:02:57,250 [Jack] It's not the hard times that get ya. 1041 01:02:57,333 --> 01:02:59,125 It's not the pain and the struggle. 1042 01:02:59,208 --> 01:03:01,375 And it's not the adversity. 1043 01:03:01,458 --> 01:03:04,041 It's normal life that breaks ya. 1044 01:03:18,041 --> 01:03:22,791 Dani, dickie. Dickie, Dani. 1045 01:03:30,666 --> 01:03:32,833 [chatter] 1046 01:03:45,875 --> 01:03:46,875 [doorbell rings] 1047 01:03:48,666 --> 01:03:51,708 -Hi. -Very. 1048 01:03:51,791 --> 01:03:54,250 We were wondering if you were interested in joining our party. 1049 01:03:54,958 --> 01:03:56,166 Fuck, yeah. 1050 01:03:56,250 --> 01:03:58,833 Splendid. We desperately want your vote, and are offering 1051 01:03:58,916 --> 01:04:00,708 something radically different to the others, 1052 01:04:00,791 --> 01:04:03,416 particularly in affordable housing and green spaces. 1053 01:04:03,500 --> 01:04:06,458 Good. Now where's the party? 1054 01:04:16,250 --> 01:04:18,166 Oh, sorry, you're a Labour member? 1055 01:04:18,250 --> 01:04:20,333 -No, I'm out of it. -Fab. 1056 01:04:20,416 --> 01:04:22,125 Any chance we can convince you to swing? 1057 01:04:22,208 --> 01:04:23,708 As long as you ain't got any diseases. 1058 01:04:23,791 --> 01:04:26,041 Splendid. We desperately want your vote and are offering 1059 01:04:26,125 --> 01:04:27,916 something radically different to the others, 1060 01:04:28,000 --> 01:04:30,083 particularly in affordable housing and green spaces. 1061 01:04:30,166 --> 01:04:31,958 Terrific. 1062 01:04:32,041 --> 01:04:33,541 Now get your Tory cunt out. 1063 01:04:43,958 --> 01:04:45,083 [doorbell rings] 1064 01:04:45,166 --> 01:04:46,833 I suppose you're gonna offer me something 1065 01:04:46,916 --> 01:04:48,625 radically different from the others, 1066 01:04:48,708 --> 01:04:52,000 particularly in affordable housing and green spaces. 1067 01:04:52,875 --> 01:04:56,125 No, uh, we're offering recycled toilet paper. 1068 01:04:58,333 --> 01:04:59,458 Oh. 1069 01:05:05,250 --> 01:05:08,291 Dad, can I please watch some pansexual porn? 1070 01:05:09,166 --> 01:05:12,208 You're having a fucking laugh, ain't ya? Your age? 1071 01:05:12,291 --> 01:05:14,250 You can watch straight porn or nothing. 1072 01:05:17,458 --> 01:05:19,541 [laptop chimes] 1073 01:05:30,541 --> 01:05:32,083 [taps glass] 1074 01:05:32,166 --> 01:05:35,208 Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. 1075 01:05:35,291 --> 01:05:39,000 It's now Libby's turn to show you her work. 1076 01:05:39,083 --> 01:05:40,625 I chose movement 1077 01:05:40,708 --> 01:05:45,333 because immigration is something that's really close to my heart. 1078 01:05:45,416 --> 01:05:48,458 I just totally think that there are no borders in this world 1079 01:05:48,541 --> 01:05:51,583 and people should be able to move freely. 1080 01:05:52,750 --> 01:05:56,208 And the fact that people escape war zones to come to Britain 1081 01:05:56,291 --> 01:05:58,208 and are made to feel like second-class citizens 1082 01:05:58,291 --> 01:06:00,708 really bothers me. 1083 01:06:02,791 --> 01:06:04,708 Libby, can you stop looking at me, please? 1084 01:06:04,791 --> 01:06:06,583 I'm from fucking Dagenham. 1085 01:06:09,208 --> 01:06:10,666 [loud chatter] 1086 01:06:10,750 --> 01:06:12,166 [Vaughn taps glass] 1087 01:06:12,250 --> 01:06:13,791 Your attention, please, everyone. 1088 01:06:13,875 --> 01:06:17,125 It's now Dani's turn to show you her work. 1089 01:06:23,333 --> 01:06:28,916 So... I chose love, because... 1090 01:06:31,458 --> 01:06:32,875 -Because... -[crashing] 1091 01:06:36,375 --> 01:06:38,750 -[Jack groans] -[man] Are you all right? 1092 01:06:40,833 --> 01:06:43,875 -Who's fucking Vaughn? Eh? -Fuckin' hell. 1093 01:06:43,958 --> 01:06:45,458 Excuse me. 1094 01:06:45,541 --> 01:06:46,750 -Wanker! -[gasping] 1095 01:06:46,833 --> 01:06:49,791 Wanker! Wanker! Wanker! 1096 01:06:52,333 --> 01:06:54,041 Wanker! 1097 01:06:54,125 --> 01:06:55,875 Now fuck off out of here. 1098 01:06:57,458 --> 01:07:00,166 Roger, my old son, I'm out me nut. 1099 01:07:00,250 --> 01:07:01,958 I need you to call me on a bit of dickie, 1100 01:07:02,041 --> 01:07:03,500 I want a couple of blue diamonds, 1101 01:07:03,583 --> 01:07:05,041 some pingers, 1102 01:07:05,125 --> 01:07:07,250 something to help me on the old downwards slope. 1103 01:07:10,750 --> 01:07:13,041 I think you've dialled the wrong R. 1104 01:07:13,125 --> 01:07:15,875 -This isn't Roger. -Oh, fuck! 1105 01:07:16,625 --> 01:07:18,875 -I'm sorry, Ron. -Don't worry about it, kiddo. 1106 01:07:18,958 --> 01:07:21,083 We all make ricks, don't we? 1107 01:07:21,166 --> 01:07:23,541 I mean, just look at me and my Kenny Boy. 1108 01:07:23,625 --> 01:07:26,125 I've not exactly been a guiding light for him, have I? 1109 01:07:26,208 --> 01:07:28,875 No, no, no, Ron, I think you done the best you could, 1110 01:07:28,958 --> 01:07:30,333 given the circumstances. 1111 01:07:30,416 --> 01:07:32,500 Truth is, Jack, I've been way out of my depth 1112 01:07:32,583 --> 01:07:34,500 since the missus left me for a younger man. 1113 01:07:34,583 --> 01:07:37,333 Organic butcher, as it happens. 1114 01:07:37,416 --> 01:07:39,583 I've just gone and buried my head in the sand. 1115 01:07:39,666 --> 01:07:43,083 Underneath it all, I feel so much... so much shame. 1116 01:07:45,666 --> 01:07:48,458 I mean, I know that I fucked my Kenny Boy up with... 1117 01:07:48,541 --> 01:07:53,375 money and... material possessions. 1118 01:07:53,458 --> 01:07:56,458 I just didn't give the boy the one thing he needed, Jack. 1119 01:07:57,250 --> 01:08:01,583 All he wanted... was my love. 1120 01:08:04,625 --> 01:08:07,250 That's all he wanted. 1121 01:08:07,333 --> 01:08:10,708 I think you've dialled the wrong R. This isn't Roger. 1122 01:08:10,791 --> 01:08:12,500 Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Ron. 1123 01:08:12,583 --> 01:08:15,000 You fucking cunt of sickness! 1124 01:08:15,083 --> 01:08:19,458 You've got the nerve to bell me and ask for a bit of dickie? 1125 01:08:19,541 --> 01:08:21,916 I fuckin' hate you! 1126 01:08:22,000 --> 01:08:24,833 And if you think I'm gonna tell you to liven yourself up, 1127 01:08:24,916 --> 01:08:26,208 well, you're fucking wrong! 1128 01:08:26,291 --> 01:08:28,541 Cos I want you to fuck your life up. 1129 01:08:28,625 --> 01:08:30,583 I want you to flush it down the khazi! 1130 01:08:30,666 --> 01:08:32,500 I want my fucking Dani 1131 01:08:32,583 --> 01:08:35,625 to see what a fucking wastrel you are! 1132 01:08:35,708 --> 01:08:39,750 I want her to fucking realise she married a fucking no-hoper, 1133 01:08:39,833 --> 01:08:42,666 a fucking ponce, a fucking Jekyll, 1134 01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:44,250 a fucking messer! 1135 01:08:44,333 --> 01:08:47,291 I'll show you messer, you ginger cunt. 1136 01:08:47,375 --> 01:08:49,958 [♪ "We've Only Just Begun" by Lynn Anderson] 1137 01:09:00,666 --> 01:09:04,375 ♪ We've only just begun 1138 01:09:04,458 --> 01:09:08,291 -Oi, oi, what's happening, son? -♪ To live 1139 01:09:10,458 --> 01:09:12,083 -♪ White lace... -Get in, son! 1140 01:09:12,166 --> 01:09:14,291 [♪ "Break 4 Luv" by Raze] 1141 01:09:33,458 --> 01:09:35,625 Fuckin' hell, mate. 1142 01:09:35,708 --> 01:09:37,625 Have a bang on that, mush. Yeah? 1143 01:09:37,708 --> 01:09:39,291 Right, listen, Yeovil are en route, 1144 01:09:39,375 --> 01:09:41,625 and they reckon they're gonna smash up our boozer. 1145 01:09:41,708 --> 01:09:45,083 -You fucking ready or what? -Yeovil? I've shit these cunts. 1146 01:09:45,166 --> 01:09:46,750 -I've fucking shit these cunts. -Yeah? 1147 01:09:46,833 --> 01:09:48,791 Fucking ready then, yeah? Yeah? 1148 01:09:48,875 --> 01:09:50,958 [both] You're just a fucking wanker! 1149 01:09:51,041 --> 01:09:53,000 You're just a fucking wanker! 1150 01:09:55,333 --> 01:09:56,333 [Vaughn] Dani! 1151 01:09:57,333 --> 01:09:59,250 -Dani, come on. -No. 1152 01:09:59,333 --> 01:10:02,291 Dani, come on. Oh, come and have a boogie. 1153 01:10:04,416 --> 01:10:07,125 -Please. -Oh, fuck it. 1154 01:10:08,666 --> 01:10:11,083 -[Vaughn] Yeah! -[cheering] 1155 01:10:15,291 --> 01:10:19,208 [indistinct chatter] 1156 01:10:19,291 --> 01:10:23,500 ♪ And when the evening comes 1157 01:10:23,583 --> 01:10:26,916 ♪ We smile 1158 01:10:28,291 --> 01:10:32,541 ♪ So much of life ahead 1159 01:10:34,125 --> 01:10:39,916 ♪ We'll find a place where there's room to grow 1160 01:10:40,000 --> 01:10:41,833 ♪ And yes, we've just be... 1161 01:10:41,916 --> 01:10:44,166 -[♪ "Break 4 Love" by Raze] -[Dani] Whoo! 1162 01:11:02,541 --> 01:11:04,375 [voices approaching] 1163 01:11:04,458 --> 01:11:06,333 Yeah, so keep your fucking eyes peeled, boys. 1164 01:11:09,916 --> 01:11:11,708 -You Yeovil? -We are! 1165 01:11:11,791 --> 01:11:13,291 I'll do the fuckin' lot of ya. 1166 01:11:13,375 --> 01:11:15,791 Especially you, you ugly, fat cunt. 1167 01:11:15,875 --> 01:11:17,041 [Jack groans] 1168 01:11:21,833 --> 01:11:25,291 [indistinct chatter] 1169 01:11:33,250 --> 01:11:34,416 Fuck! JJ! 1170 01:11:38,333 --> 01:11:39,333 JJ? 1171 01:11:42,791 --> 01:11:43,791 JJ? 1172 01:11:45,666 --> 01:11:48,916 -[woman gasps on porn video] -Oh, fuck! 1173 01:11:51,291 --> 01:11:52,416 Fuck. 1174 01:12:03,333 --> 01:12:05,500 [heart monitor beeps] 1175 01:12:21,041 --> 01:12:22,833 Fuck are you doing here, Kenny Boy? 1176 01:12:22,916 --> 01:12:26,041 I heard you was bang in trouble. 1177 01:12:26,125 --> 01:12:28,625 Wanted to make sure you was OK. 1178 01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:30,250 Like you did for me. 1179 01:12:34,041 --> 01:12:35,541 I know I'm an albatross, Jack. 1180 01:12:36,333 --> 01:12:39,208 You've got enough on your plate without having to look after me. 1181 01:12:44,458 --> 01:12:46,625 Truth is, you make me look sensible. 1182 01:12:46,708 --> 01:12:51,041 I'm a stain on the family. We all know it. 1183 01:12:51,125 --> 01:12:53,625 No one wants me around. 1184 01:12:53,708 --> 01:12:56,125 People go quiet when I walk in a room. 1185 01:12:56,750 --> 01:12:57,916 I might be crackers, 1186 01:12:58,000 --> 01:12:59,500 but I can still hear the whispers of, 1187 01:12:59,583 --> 01:13:01,791 "Get him the fuck away from me," behind my back. 1188 01:13:06,333 --> 01:13:10,208 The truth is... I wouldn't want me around. 1189 01:13:19,666 --> 01:13:22,083 I'll tell you what, Kenny Boy. 1190 01:13:23,958 --> 01:13:26,291 You might think I'm all you've got... 1191 01:13:28,500 --> 01:13:30,916 but the fact is, you're all I've got. 1192 01:13:31,000 --> 01:13:34,333 So you ain't going nowhere, cos without you, I'm fucked. 1193 01:13:36,666 --> 01:13:40,458 No, Jack, you've still got a chance. 1194 01:13:41,666 --> 01:13:43,625 You've just got to go home and make it right. 1195 01:13:46,666 --> 01:13:50,291 I must be fucked if I'm taking advice from a schizophrenic. 1196 01:14:10,458 --> 01:14:12,291 [keys jingle] 1197 01:14:17,125 --> 01:14:19,125 [lock rattles] 1198 01:14:32,625 --> 01:14:34,583 Hmm. Classy. 1199 01:14:39,250 --> 01:14:42,291 -Is that me clothes? -And your porn collection. 1200 01:14:42,375 --> 01:14:44,916 I know what's more important to ya. 1201 01:14:48,458 --> 01:14:51,166 I booked the restaurant we had our first date in for tonight. 1202 01:14:55,583 --> 01:14:57,208 Please? 1203 01:14:57,291 --> 01:14:59,708 I've already made other plans, Jack. 1204 01:14:59,791 --> 01:15:01,250 Well, unmake 'em. 1205 01:15:01,333 --> 01:15:03,458 How about a sorry? 1206 01:15:03,541 --> 01:15:05,875 Where are you going anyway? 1207 01:15:07,458 --> 01:15:08,916 Art stuff. 1208 01:15:14,458 --> 01:15:16,583 Meet me at the restaurant. 1209 01:15:16,666 --> 01:15:18,375 What, for another night of humiliation? 1210 01:15:18,458 --> 01:15:21,750 No. For pasta. 1211 01:15:23,333 --> 01:15:25,291 I don't want my boy to grow up like you, Jack. 1212 01:15:26,500 --> 01:15:29,125 I'm so fucking sorry for what I've done. 1213 01:15:41,125 --> 01:15:43,083 If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, 1214 01:15:43,166 --> 01:15:45,333 I'll see you at the restaurant at six bells. 1215 01:15:55,625 --> 01:15:57,083 [knocks at door] 1216 01:16:01,666 --> 01:16:02,708 [door opens] 1217 01:16:03,708 --> 01:16:04,958 What's happening? 1218 01:16:06,083 --> 01:16:07,666 How did you know I was here? 1219 01:16:07,750 --> 01:16:10,416 Vin, everyone knows your wife left you years ago. 1220 01:16:11,416 --> 01:16:14,166 Having a party. [sniffs] 1221 01:16:14,250 --> 01:16:17,583 -Wanna come in? -Nah, you're all right. 1222 01:16:17,666 --> 01:16:19,583 Look after this for me. 1223 01:16:25,250 --> 01:16:28,125 Jack, do us a favour. 1224 01:16:28,208 --> 01:16:29,666 Don't tell the other lot, yeah? 1225 01:17:03,041 --> 01:17:05,166 Please don't tell me you want your drugs back. 1226 01:17:08,583 --> 01:17:10,041 Thank God for that. 1227 01:17:16,666 --> 01:17:19,166 Nah, mate, I've fucked it. 1228 01:17:19,250 --> 01:17:20,875 My wife's gonna leave me. 1229 01:17:22,333 --> 01:17:24,458 I've turned my son into a lunatic. 1230 01:17:25,250 --> 01:17:27,083 My mates think I'm a bore. 1231 01:17:27,833 --> 01:17:30,166 And me father-in-law's gonna fucking kill me. 1232 01:17:32,000 --> 01:17:34,166 Well, at least you've got your freedom. 1233 01:17:38,375 --> 01:17:40,458 I'd help if I could, mate, 1234 01:17:40,541 --> 01:17:42,750 but I'm just a hopeless, dyslexic, spark-out, 1235 01:17:42,833 --> 01:17:45,708 dickie-sniffing drunk. What good am I gonna be? 1236 01:18:16,666 --> 01:18:18,666 [Vaughn] Mind if I readjust you slightly? 1237 01:18:40,666 --> 01:18:42,041 [door opens] 1238 01:18:44,625 --> 01:18:47,000 These are for you, Dani. 1239 01:18:47,083 --> 01:18:48,833 Yeah, I'm not Dani. 1240 01:18:48,916 --> 01:18:52,291 Fuck's sake. Can't even get that right. 1241 01:18:52,375 --> 01:18:57,125 [man] He wanted me to tell ya he loves ya. More than Yeovil. 1242 01:18:59,875 --> 01:19:02,041 I'll just leave 'em here, shall I? 1243 01:19:04,458 --> 01:19:05,958 [door closes] 1244 01:20:52,916 --> 01:20:54,083 [Jack] Before you sit down. 1245 01:20:56,250 --> 01:20:58,125 I've thought long and hard about this. 1246 01:20:59,083 --> 01:21:01,458 There's something I need to say, so... 1247 01:21:16,583 --> 01:21:18,166 I'm a cunt. 1248 01:21:29,458 --> 01:21:31,791 You know that's usually just the beginning? 1249 01:21:35,333 --> 01:21:38,291 Are you not even gonna make a promise to try a bit harder? 1250 01:21:41,833 --> 01:21:44,375 And you wonder why I went back to art college. 1251 01:21:44,458 --> 01:21:45,916 With Vaughn. 1252 01:21:48,041 --> 01:21:50,208 He saw me, Jack. 1253 01:21:50,291 --> 01:21:52,958 He actually fucking saw me. 1254 01:21:53,041 --> 01:21:55,125 You've been avoiding me for 15 years. 1255 01:21:55,208 --> 01:21:56,250 Scared of bumping into me. 1256 01:21:56,333 --> 01:21:58,375 Terrified of being alone with me. 1257 01:21:58,458 --> 01:22:00,500 But don't worry, it ain't just you. 1258 01:22:00,583 --> 01:22:02,000 I feel it too. 1259 01:22:02,083 --> 01:22:04,166 I wanna run away from you an' all. 1260 01:22:04,250 --> 01:22:06,958 And don't kid yourself that it's just you avoiding having sex. 1261 01:22:07,041 --> 01:22:08,125 You think I'm excited 1262 01:22:08,208 --> 01:22:10,500 at the prospect of you lying on top of me for 90 seconds 1263 01:22:10,583 --> 01:22:12,416 while you speed fuck me like a Border terrier? 1264 01:22:17,041 --> 01:22:21,333 Sometimes... I'd rather just have a wank as well. 1265 01:22:22,333 --> 01:22:24,666 I know how you feel, amore mio. 1266 01:22:26,041 --> 01:22:28,875 And I know I ain't no size eight anymore, 1267 01:22:28,958 --> 01:22:31,375 and my tits are like punctured fucking tyres, 1268 01:22:31,458 --> 01:22:34,583 and my idea of fun is Wordle and I think Uggs are sexy. 1269 01:22:34,666 --> 01:22:37,250 But you ain't the catch you used to be either. 1270 01:22:37,333 --> 01:22:39,208 I mean, sure, I was half impressed by you 1271 01:22:39,291 --> 01:22:41,833 in our twenties, but don't you think you're past the age now 1272 01:22:41,916 --> 01:22:44,000 where you're a hero cos you sniff a bit of dickie 1273 01:22:44,083 --> 01:22:46,666 and a top geezer in the eyes of your silly fucking mates? 1274 01:22:51,833 --> 01:22:54,041 But you know what? 1275 01:22:55,041 --> 01:22:59,250 Despite everything... I still love ya. 1276 01:23:01,041 --> 01:23:02,500 I do. 1277 01:23:03,416 --> 01:23:07,916 I mean, yeah, I was tempted by Vaughn, 1278 01:23:08,000 --> 01:23:11,250 if only to remind myself what fucking passion felt like. 1279 01:23:13,916 --> 01:23:16,958 But I couldn't bear to see the hurt on your little face. 1280 01:23:19,458 --> 01:23:24,083 So, yeah... you are absolutely right. 1281 01:23:25,458 --> 01:23:27,125 You are a cunt. 1282 01:23:28,500 --> 01:23:30,625 But you're my cunt. 1283 01:23:31,625 --> 01:23:33,541 And that matters to me. 1284 01:23:41,541 --> 01:23:45,000 -Carbonara, please. -Spaghetti or rigatoni? 1285 01:23:45,083 --> 01:23:47,041 Surprise me. 1286 01:24:01,333 --> 01:24:03,500 Look at you. 1287 01:24:08,541 --> 01:24:11,416 I never spoke to a straight goer unless I was servin' 'em dickie. 1288 01:24:12,458 --> 01:24:15,375 Never read a book, apart from The Sun. 1289 01:24:15,458 --> 01:24:18,958 Never been to an exhibition. We won't count yours. 1290 01:24:19,041 --> 01:24:20,500 I've never even had a conversation 1291 01:24:20,583 --> 01:24:22,583 unless it was about drugs or football. 1292 01:24:23,666 --> 01:24:25,875 I look down on people I can't relate to. 1293 01:24:26,583 --> 01:24:29,541 I'm scared of mixing outside my world. 1294 01:24:29,625 --> 01:24:33,333 I don't listen to anyone unless there's something in it for me. 1295 01:24:33,416 --> 01:24:35,833 I judge people on their looks. 1296 01:24:35,916 --> 01:24:38,375 I want a prize for doing fuck all. 1297 01:24:39,250 --> 01:24:40,833 I hate anyone that disagrees with me. 1298 01:24:40,916 --> 01:24:43,666 And I love the sound... 1299 01:24:43,750 --> 01:24:45,833 of my own voice. 1300 01:24:48,458 --> 01:24:50,750 Fuck me, I must bore you to tears. 1301 01:24:53,458 --> 01:24:55,916 And I'm not saying I'm gonna turn into Albert Epstein. 1302 01:24:56,791 --> 01:24:59,250 Einstein. Epstein's the nonce. 1303 01:25:02,250 --> 01:25:04,666 What I will say... 1304 01:25:04,750 --> 01:25:08,791 is if I can stay out of prison, I know I can change. 1305 01:25:11,875 --> 01:25:13,666 Hmm! 1306 01:25:13,750 --> 01:25:16,083 For a minute there, I almost believed ya. 1307 01:25:18,666 --> 01:25:20,625 Almost is good enough for me. 1308 01:25:25,166 --> 01:25:26,958 [phone rings] 1309 01:25:38,666 --> 01:25:40,958 Jack. Jack, it's Kenny Boy. 1310 01:25:41,041 --> 01:25:43,250 You've gotta come and help me, Jack. 1311 01:25:43,333 --> 01:25:44,791 What the fuck you looking at? 1312 01:25:44,875 --> 01:25:47,375 Them fucking dealers we beat up are in the pub looking for me. 1313 01:25:47,458 --> 01:25:49,375 They're firm-handed. 1314 01:25:49,458 --> 01:25:52,458 [Jack] Calm down. I'm coming. I'm coming now. Fuckin' hell. 1315 01:25:52,541 --> 01:25:53,916 [Kenny Boy] I'm out by the khazi. 1316 01:25:54,000 --> 01:25:56,958 The fucking back door's locked. You've gotta come and help me. 1317 01:25:57,041 --> 01:25:59,000 -How 'bout you, eh? -[Jack] I'm round the corner. 1318 01:25:59,083 --> 01:26:01,583 Bowl haircut, this tall? 1319 01:26:01,666 --> 01:26:03,125 [Kenny Boy] I need you to help me. 1320 01:26:03,208 --> 01:26:05,083 -Get round the back door lively. -Kenny Boy! 1321 01:26:05,166 --> 01:26:07,416 Crazy fucking look in his eye. Have you seen him? 1322 01:26:07,500 --> 01:26:09,833 You've gotta come and help me. They're gonna cop for me. 1323 01:26:09,916 --> 01:26:11,791 Bowl haircut. Laugh like hyaena. You seen him? 1324 01:26:11,875 --> 01:26:12,875 [man] No, mate. 1325 01:26:12,958 --> 01:26:14,208 -You fucking sure? -Sorry. 1326 01:26:14,291 --> 01:26:15,583 Be lively, Jack. 1327 01:26:16,875 --> 01:26:18,166 Just fucking get to the back door! 1328 01:26:18,250 --> 01:26:20,458 Round the back and prise it open. 1329 01:26:20,541 --> 01:26:23,083 Kenny Boy! Push, and I'll try and open it. 1330 01:26:23,166 --> 01:26:25,041 -[Kenny Boy] Let me out! -All right. 1331 01:26:25,125 --> 01:26:27,333 [Kenny Boy yells indistinctly] 1332 01:26:27,416 --> 01:26:28,583 Open the door, Jack! 1333 01:26:31,333 --> 01:26:33,750 Hurry up! We've gotta get out of here! 1334 01:26:33,833 --> 01:26:36,041 -[laughs] -It's not fucking funny. 1335 01:26:36,125 --> 01:26:38,125 I was seconds away from getting done. 1336 01:26:38,208 --> 01:26:39,333 Them bods had guns on them. 1337 01:26:39,416 --> 01:26:41,083 I was gonna get one right in the cannister! 1338 01:26:41,166 --> 01:26:42,416 I don't need this, Kenny Boy! 1339 01:26:42,500 --> 01:26:44,000 I'm trying to sort out my fucking life! 1340 01:26:44,083 --> 01:26:46,166 [laughs] 1341 01:26:46,250 --> 01:26:47,958 [man] Remember me, pal? 1342 01:26:57,458 --> 01:26:58,916 Cunt stabbed me. 1343 01:27:03,833 --> 01:27:04,833 [Kenny Boy gasps] 1344 01:27:05,750 --> 01:27:07,291 [groans] 1345 01:27:10,958 --> 01:27:13,375 All right. All right, all right, all right. 1346 01:27:13,458 --> 01:27:15,583 [line rings] 1347 01:27:15,666 --> 01:27:17,416 I need an ambulance. 1348 01:27:17,500 --> 01:27:20,458 Someone's been stabbed. I'm outside the Fox. 1349 01:27:20,541 --> 01:27:22,625 Be quick, he's fucking dying. 1350 01:27:23,875 --> 01:27:27,416 Come on. Don't fucking die, you cunt. 1351 01:27:27,500 --> 01:27:30,375 Don't you fucking die, you cunt. You dare fucking die. 1352 01:27:30,458 --> 01:27:32,708 [Kenny Boy gasps] 1353 01:27:32,791 --> 01:27:36,958 All right, all right, all right. 1354 01:27:53,750 --> 01:27:56,125 The defendant failed to attend his first therapy session, 1355 01:27:56,208 --> 01:27:57,541 Your Honour, 1356 01:27:57,625 --> 01:28:01,416 and also lost his job down to a confrontation with colleagues. 1357 01:28:03,541 --> 01:28:07,166 However, there is cause for optimism. 1358 01:28:07,250 --> 01:28:10,708 Firstly, he came to the aid of a wounded man, 1359 01:28:10,791 --> 01:28:13,958 called the ambulance services. And from their report, 1360 01:28:14,041 --> 01:28:16,666 I gather he certainly helped save the young man's life. 1361 01:28:18,250 --> 01:28:21,541 And on top of that, he appears to have made the effort 1362 01:28:21,625 --> 01:28:23,625 to find further employment, 1363 01:28:23,708 --> 01:28:28,125 and has a contract with a Mr Ron Mason's scaffold team. 1364 01:28:29,250 --> 01:28:31,916 In summation, I recommend the defendant 1365 01:28:32,000 --> 01:28:34,125 continues his probation order 1366 01:28:34,208 --> 01:28:37,166 so he can carry on working on the scaffold team, 1367 01:28:37,250 --> 01:28:40,666 and indeed... on himself. 1368 01:28:40,750 --> 01:28:41,958 [phone buzzes] 1369 01:28:45,041 --> 01:28:48,291 [judge] Not often that this court hears a good-news story. 1370 01:28:48,375 --> 01:28:51,166 I'm impressed. 1371 01:28:51,250 --> 01:28:56,166 Seems like your liberty is worth fighting for after all, Jones. 1372 01:28:56,250 --> 01:28:57,250 Well done. 1373 01:28:58,458 --> 01:29:01,041 I don't intend to interfere with your employment, 1374 01:29:01,125 --> 01:29:04,041 so I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of Mr Fisher 1375 01:29:04,125 --> 01:29:05,625 and the probation services, 1376 01:29:05,708 --> 01:29:08,416 where you can hopefully impart some of your newfound wisdom... 1377 01:29:08,500 --> 01:29:11,333 -[phone buzzes] -..to the younger offenders 1378 01:29:11,416 --> 01:29:14,083 you will likely meet along the way. 1379 01:29:15,250 --> 01:29:17,958 Good. Court adjourned. 1380 01:29:27,125 --> 01:29:30,916 Shame. I was hoping you'd get a five. 1381 01:29:31,958 --> 01:29:33,333 [Dani chuckles] 1382 01:29:34,916 --> 01:29:37,333 Go on then, dinlo. 1383 01:29:37,416 --> 01:29:40,625 Fuck off and celebrate with your two-bob mates. 1384 01:29:40,708 --> 01:29:42,041 What are you gonna do? 1385 01:29:44,250 --> 01:29:45,541 Nude life drawing. 1386 01:29:49,166 --> 01:29:52,958 Don't worry, Jack, I wouldn't hurt you just for sport. 1387 01:30:01,750 --> 01:30:03,208 Funny thing, life. 1388 01:30:03,291 --> 01:30:05,000 You never know how it's gonna unfold. 1389 01:30:05,083 --> 01:30:06,833 I mean, who would have thought the two people 1390 01:30:06,916 --> 01:30:08,291 that gave me the most agg in this world 1391 01:30:08,375 --> 01:30:10,041 would be the ones that came to my rescue 1392 01:30:10,125 --> 01:30:11,208 when I needed it the most? 1393 01:30:11,291 --> 01:30:13,500 -Oi. -So, to Kenny Boy and Ron. 1394 01:30:13,583 --> 01:30:16,291 Kenny Boy, may your wounds heal quickly. 1395 01:30:16,375 --> 01:30:18,875 Ron, may yours last forevermore. 1396 01:30:18,958 --> 01:30:22,916 As for me, I'm looking forward to a bright future. 1397 01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:25,375 I'm thinking of reducing my carbon footprint, 1398 01:30:25,458 --> 01:30:28,083 steady employment, a Toyota Prius, 1399 01:30:28,166 --> 01:30:31,166 volunteering at the school fete, a Flymo, 1400 01:30:31,250 --> 01:30:34,500 The Rest is Politics podcast, a beanie hat, 1401 01:30:34,583 --> 01:30:38,375 and walking holidays in Pembrokeshire with Mrs Jones. 1402 01:30:38,458 --> 01:30:41,416 Sourdough baking, Wilderness Festival, 1403 01:30:41,500 --> 01:30:45,500 Jamie Oliver cookbooks, recycled Birkenstocks, 1404 01:30:45,583 --> 01:30:49,125 me time, better vocabulary, Wim Hof, 1405 01:30:49,208 --> 01:30:54,000 grassroots campaigning, sharing family progress on social media, 1406 01:30:54,083 --> 01:30:56,416 vegan cheese, maybe even a beard. 1407 01:30:56,500 --> 01:30:59,791 Just Stop Oil, hemp man bags, 1408 01:30:59,875 --> 01:31:03,458 subscription to The Guardian, gong baths, 1409 01:31:03,541 --> 01:31:07,458 a greater understanding of diverse communities, kimchi, 1410 01:31:07,541 --> 01:31:10,000 and generally a little more love and tolerance 1411 01:31:10,083 --> 01:31:11,833 towards my fellow man. 1412 01:31:11,916 --> 01:31:15,208 Anyway, it can wait till Monday. 1413 01:31:15,291 --> 01:31:17,125 Come on, chap, liven up, you fucking Jils. 1414 01:31:17,208 --> 01:31:20,083 [chatter] 1415 01:31:20,166 --> 01:31:22,375 [man] Here look, boys. They're fucking here, look. 1416 01:31:22,458 --> 01:31:23,625 Come on. 1417 01:31:23,708 --> 01:31:27,166 [shouting] 1418 01:31:44,833 --> 01:31:46,000 What are you doing here?! 1419 01:31:47,333 --> 01:31:48,416 Come on! Come on! 1420 01:31:49,625 --> 01:31:51,000 Come on, then! 1421 01:31:51,916 --> 01:31:54,625 Come on! Come on! 1422 01:31:54,708 --> 01:31:55,916 You fucking knobhead! 1423 01:31:59,166 --> 01:32:01,541 [Kenny Boy laughs] 1424 01:32:03,041 --> 01:32:06,500 [♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky]