1 00:00:01,447 --> 00:00:04,086 I been talkin' at you for six hours 2 00:00:04,167 --> 00:00:08,126 and I could probably stand here and talk at you for another six, 3 00:00:08,207 --> 00:00:10,482 but I'm lookin' at you, and I can see 4 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:14,037 you're lean, mean and hungry to make that sale. 5 00:00:14,287 --> 00:00:16,642 -Now what are you gonna do? -Sell! 6 00:00:16,727 --> 00:00:18,957 -What are you gonna sell? -Twinview! 7 00:00:19,047 --> 00:00:22,437 Catriona, you're having a cup of tea. The contract's on the table. 8 00:00:22,527 --> 00:00:24,324 The buyer says, "I have to ask my husband." 9 00:00:24,407 --> 00:00:25,806 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 10 00:00:25,887 --> 00:00:27,878 MacAteer, you've having a couple of beers. 11 00:00:27,967 --> 00:00:29,526 The brochure's on the bar. 12 00:00:29,607 --> 00:00:31,598 The buyer says, "I'll have to ask my bank manager." 13 00:00:31,687 --> 00:00:33,086 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 14 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,203 Webster, you're standing at the door. 15 00:00:35,287 --> 00:00:37,119 The buyer shakes her head. She's not interested. 16 00:00:37,207 --> 00:00:38,879 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 17 00:00:38,967 --> 00:00:40,799 Lavery, the buyer calls the cops. 18 00:00:40,887 --> 00:00:43,117 He's having you arrested. They've got you in a car. 19 00:00:43,207 --> 00:00:45,084 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 20 00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,885 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 21 00:00:46,967 --> 00:00:49,720 -What are you gonna do? -Sell! 22 00:00:49,807 --> 00:00:54,085 Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, 23 00:00:54,167 --> 00:00:57,682 sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell... 24 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,600 McKenna, where do you think you're going? 25 00:01:01,527 --> 00:01:03,802 The seminar's not finished yet. 26 00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:08,003 Um, I've got an appointment with a potential customer. 27 00:01:08,727 --> 00:01:12,197 He hasn't got an appointment with a potential customer. 28 00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:18,160 -He's got an appointment with a buyer! -Yeah! 29 00:01:18,767 --> 00:01:21,236 Ah, yeah. Buyer. 30 00:01:21,487 --> 00:01:25,037 Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell... 31 00:01:25,247 --> 00:01:27,761 (MONEY (THAT'S WHAT I WANT) PLAYING) 32 00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:54,206 You must eat! I make sandwich. 33 00:01:56,087 --> 00:01:57,316 Thanks. 34 00:01:57,767 --> 00:02:00,725 (SPEAKING LITHUANIAN) 35 00:02:04,647 --> 00:02:06,080 That was Money (That's What I Want). 36 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,157 EDDIE: Cannae hear you, Campbell. 37 00:02:07,247 --> 00:02:10,319 -From way back in 1959. -Still cannae hear you. 38 00:02:10,407 --> 00:02:12,284 And this is Campbell Bain, the bane of your life. 39 00:02:12,367 --> 00:02:14,836 -Campbell. -Eddie, I'm a mentally ill person. 40 00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:17,123 If I shout any louder, I'll be restrained and sedated. 41 00:02:17,207 --> 00:02:18,959 The fader, Campbell. 42 00:02:21,407 --> 00:02:25,287 -Oh, I knew that. -Okay, Campbell. We'll try it again. 43 00:02:42,047 --> 00:02:45,164 JINGLE SINGERS: Hospital radio, St Jude's. 44 00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:47,158 You'll blow the monitors if you push them like that. 45 00:02:47,247 --> 00:02:50,762 Fergus! I nearly got it right that time. What are... 46 00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:54,084 Well, well, the poacher's turned gamekeeper, eh? 47 00:02:54,647 --> 00:02:58,879 -Where did you get the coat? -From, uh, Dr Brady. 48 00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,165 You look dead handsome with that, so you do. 49 00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:04,762 -Get what you needed? -Almost. That only cost 50p. 50 00:03:04,847 --> 00:03:07,600 I'll strip it for the power transistors. 51 00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:09,480 Are you sure you trust him on that desk? 52 00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:12,764 Fergus. This desk and I are on intimate terms. 53 00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:15,323 This desk and I are practically engaged. 54 00:03:15,407 --> 00:03:17,000 We're doing our first show together tomorrow night. 55 00:03:17,087 --> 00:03:20,284 -Hey, not tomorrow, Campbell. -But I'm standing at the threshold 56 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:23,041 of one of the most important moments of my life here. 57 00:03:23,127 --> 00:03:24,447 Give me an audience. 58 00:03:24,527 --> 00:03:27,041 Give me punters and I will deliver, Eddie. 59 00:03:27,127 --> 00:03:30,563 Well, I hadn't expected such a crowd. 60 00:03:31,327 --> 00:03:34,239 Doctor. Which one of you is Eddie McKenna? 61 00:03:34,327 --> 00:03:35,601 Um, I am. 62 00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:38,556 I'm Mrs MacDonald, assistant administrator. 63 00:03:38,647 --> 00:03:40,922 -Mrs MacDonald. -Call me Evelyn. 64 00:03:41,727 --> 00:03:44,241 Just thought I'd pop my head in and say hello, 65 00:03:44,327 --> 00:03:46,318 ask if you need anything. 66 00:03:46,847 --> 00:03:49,156 -Aye, we do. -I'm sorry? 67 00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:52,565 We need some shielded three-core flex. This stuff is useless. 68 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:54,638 The doctors' bleeps are coming through on the air. 69 00:03:54,727 --> 00:03:57,844 -Well, that should be possible. -And some paint. 70 00:03:57,967 --> 00:03:59,764 This place needs redecorating, so it does. 71 00:03:59,847 --> 00:04:02,156 Hang on. Just let me make a list. 72 00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:04,841 But the main thing is the mixing desk. 73 00:04:04,927 --> 00:04:06,963 We've got a lot of crackle coming through on these faders 74 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,765 and these two here have had it, really. 75 00:04:08,847 --> 00:04:11,122 We could do with a couple of new ones if you can still get them, 76 00:04:11,207 --> 00:04:13,960 but what we really need is a new desk. 77 00:04:14,567 --> 00:04:16,000 A six-into-two would even do us. 78 00:04:16,087 --> 00:04:19,967 My goodness, are you a doctor or an engineer? 79 00:04:20,647 --> 00:04:22,126 I'm a patient. 80 00:04:22,487 --> 00:04:26,606 We're all patients, except him who isn't but should be. 81 00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:29,998 Don't worry, we're heavily tranquillised and pose no danger to the public. 82 00:04:30,087 --> 00:04:32,840 No. That's marvellous, 83 00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:34,838 involving the patients. 84 00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:38,199 I'll see what I can do about this list. 85 00:04:38,647 --> 00:04:41,525 There's an endowment trust we can approach, 86 00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:45,521 but the hospital board will want to see some figures, I'm afraid. 87 00:04:45,607 --> 00:04:48,519 -What kind of figures? -Just a budget proposal, really. 88 00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:52,760 Current running costs, projected capital outlay, that sort of thing. 89 00:04:53,207 --> 00:04:57,246 If you've got your books up to date and you've got some written estimates 90 00:04:57,327 --> 00:04:59,602 of the equipment you propose to purchase, you can... 91 00:04:59,687 --> 00:05:01,996 JINGLE: Hospital radio, St Jude's. 92 00:05:02,087 --> 00:05:03,122 (FEEDBACK) 93 00:05:03,207 --> 00:05:05,437 That was dedicated to the boring board of St Jude's hospital, 94 00:05:05,527 --> 00:05:09,156 that bloated bilious body of befuddled brains we'd like to befriend. 95 00:05:09,247 --> 00:05:12,319 -Just give us your dosh, boys. -Campbell! 96 00:05:13,127 --> 00:05:16,119 Well, pretty impressive. 97 00:05:16,807 --> 00:05:19,401 Anyway, Eddie, I'll pop in again in a few days 98 00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:22,206 when you have a chance to get some figures together. 99 00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:25,757 And thanks for the wee demonstration, as it were. 100 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:31,244 Oh, well done, Campbell. 101 00:05:31,447 --> 00:05:33,483 I told you I could do it if I had an audience. 102 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,887 Not that. 103 00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,436 What's Evelyn gonna think of that? 104 00:05:37,527 --> 00:05:40,485 She'll think I'm a loony. I am a loony. 105 00:05:41,327 --> 00:05:44,444 Come on, Eddie. Let me do my own show tomorrow, eh? 106 00:05:50,287 --> 00:05:54,201 -Aye, okay. -You beauty! Tomorrow night! 107 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:57,245 The Campbell Bain show debuts tomorrow night! 108 00:05:57,567 --> 00:06:00,798 Eat your heart out, Ken Bruce, you bastard! 109 00:06:03,247 --> 00:06:04,282 Oh. 110 00:06:05,007 --> 00:06:06,156 Hello. 111 00:06:06,647 --> 00:06:09,321 They, uh, told me I'd find you in here. 112 00:06:11,447 --> 00:06:12,516 Aye. 113 00:06:14,647 --> 00:06:16,240 Well, here I am. 114 00:06:17,847 --> 00:06:19,997 You lot, this is my dad. 115 00:06:20,567 --> 00:06:22,399 Dad, this is that lot. 116 00:06:29,527 --> 00:06:31,199 Have a seat. 117 00:06:33,607 --> 00:06:37,521 I'd get you a cup of tea, but they don't trust us with kettles. 118 00:06:38,007 --> 00:06:41,966 -Well, you might burn yourselves. -Aye, or wear them on our heads. 119 00:06:42,047 --> 00:06:44,880 Either way, it requires medical intervention. 120 00:06:44,967 --> 00:06:48,084 I've just had a word with your doctor, by the way. 121 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:51,398 -Oh, aye? -He gave me some good news, I think. 122 00:06:52,087 --> 00:06:55,284 He says they'll be letting you out of here soon, 123 00:06:55,367 --> 00:06:58,803 -next week, he reckons. -You're joking. Next week? 124 00:06:59,607 --> 00:07:01,040 Yes! Yes! 125 00:07:01,607 --> 00:07:03,723 Free at last! Free at last! 126 00:07:05,407 --> 00:07:08,206 Thank God almighty, I'll be free at last! 127 00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:11,127 Aye, well, just thought I'd come and ask you 128 00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:14,006 if you'd any plans for when you come out. 129 00:07:14,087 --> 00:07:15,805 Aye, loads of them. 130 00:07:16,047 --> 00:07:20,166 Massive booze-up with all my pals, holiday in the Seychelles. 131 00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:23,439 Or Majorca. I'll slum it. And lose my virginity. 132 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,996 I'm 19. I think I should lose my virginity. Don't you? 133 00:07:26,087 --> 00:07:28,522 Listen, stop your daft act. 134 00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:31,800 You'll make me think you need to stay here. 135 00:07:35,967 --> 00:07:38,561 I was talking about your future, son. 136 00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:42,081 You didn't get your exams, you know. 137 00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:45,566 Your mother and I was wondering if you'd thought about going back 138 00:07:45,647 --> 00:07:47,285 to do your exams. 139 00:07:47,607 --> 00:07:50,485 I cannae say that was the first thing that crossed my mind. 140 00:07:50,567 --> 00:07:54,481 Well, think about it, son. There's a recession on. 141 00:07:55,087 --> 00:07:58,682 Nobody gets nothing for nothing. You need qualifications. 142 00:07:59,247 --> 00:08:02,797 It's just... I don't know what I want to do yet. 143 00:08:02,887 --> 00:08:07,961 Oh, don't give me your daft talk. We're talking about a job. 144 00:08:08,127 --> 00:08:10,004 I mean, what you want has nothing to do with it. 145 00:08:10,087 --> 00:08:12,556 Well, I could always be a road sweeper, I suppose. 146 00:08:12,647 --> 00:08:14,638 I am not a road sweeper. 147 00:08:16,247 --> 00:08:20,001 I work for the Cleansing Department and I'm a foreman. 148 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,805 You sweep the road. 149 00:08:21,887 --> 00:08:26,119 Oh, I've never heard you complain about the food it put on the table. 150 00:08:27,847 --> 00:08:30,282 Do you want to be a waster all your life? 151 00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:32,358 'Cause I'm not having it. 152 00:08:32,447 --> 00:08:36,361 You've got to pull yourself together because this is killing your mother. 153 00:08:36,447 --> 00:08:38,882 It's positively killing her. 154 00:08:39,247 --> 00:08:41,158 I mean, the doctor's had to put her on tablets 155 00:08:41,247 --> 00:08:43,556 because she's so upset about it. 156 00:08:43,647 --> 00:08:46,036 That makes two loonies in the family. 157 00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:48,198 Your mother is not a loony. 158 00:08:49,207 --> 00:08:52,358 We've never had a loony in the family before you, 159 00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:54,797 not on my side or your mother's. 160 00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:59,323 You've just got to stop this, put it all behind you. 161 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:03,477 Pull yourself together. You understand me? 162 00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:14,359 You just have to think about your future, son. 163 00:09:22,287 --> 00:09:24,562 Come on, Rosalie. Time to lock up. 164 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,844 I'm not going to rest until everything in the world is neat and tidy 165 00:09:27,927 --> 00:09:30,237 and every germ on Earth is dead. 166 00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:33,638 Well, it's nice to have a mission, but I've got to lock up now. 167 00:09:33,727 --> 00:09:34,876 Okay. 168 00:09:38,087 --> 00:09:39,441 What's all this? 169 00:09:39,527 --> 00:09:42,405 I'm just getting these figures together for Evelyn. 170 00:09:42,487 --> 00:09:45,365 It would be nice if they redecorated this place. 171 00:09:45,447 --> 00:09:46,516 Aye. 172 00:09:47,927 --> 00:09:50,965 Look, I've just sorted those. Listen, don't... 173 00:09:51,887 --> 00:09:55,084 Everything in the world, neat and tidy. 174 00:09:58,767 --> 00:09:59,836 Aye. 175 00:10:10,687 --> 00:10:14,237 Francine! What you got that window open for? 176 00:10:14,327 --> 00:10:16,284 -Don't. -But it's freezing cold. 177 00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:18,324 I'm suffocating in here. 178 00:10:35,727 --> 00:10:38,401 -Saw you hanging about the station. -So? 179 00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:41,238 Just saw you, that's all. 180 00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:46,796 -Are you okay? -Of course I'm not okay. I'm a loony. 181 00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:48,685 So am I. 182 00:10:48,767 --> 00:10:51,327 Aye, but you're out there and I'm in here. 183 00:10:51,407 --> 00:10:52,806 Not forever. 184 00:10:53,247 --> 00:10:56,080 They can keep me in here as long as they like. 185 00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,760 I'm not going to get any better as long as I'm in here. 186 00:10:57,847 --> 00:10:59,565 I've told them that. 187 00:10:59,647 --> 00:11:03,800 Nobody listens. They just renew the section. 188 00:11:04,727 --> 00:11:06,126 The section? Oh, that means... 189 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:10,121 The taint. Locked up under Section 26 of the Mental Health Act. 190 00:11:11,207 --> 00:11:15,326 -Might as well be in jail. -Could you not appeal about that? 191 00:11:15,727 --> 00:11:19,356 What's the point? Nobody listens to you if you're a loony. 192 00:11:19,527 --> 00:11:21,518 They'd have to listen to you if you were on the radio. 193 00:11:21,607 --> 00:11:24,884 I could train you as a DJ. You could say anything you wanted. 194 00:11:24,967 --> 00:11:27,766 You could say, "Eddie's a fat bastard," if you wanted. 195 00:11:27,847 --> 00:11:29,918 But I warn you, I cry easy. 196 00:11:30,967 --> 00:11:33,038 -No, no, I couldn't. -Why not? 197 00:11:33,967 --> 00:11:35,560 I just couldn't. 198 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:42,196 How did you get into all that anyway? Being a DJ and that? 199 00:11:44,287 --> 00:11:47,245 Don't know. Just had a big mouth, I suppose. 200 00:11:49,207 --> 00:11:51,437 Used to work at this youth club. 201 00:11:51,527 --> 00:11:54,565 Used to run the disco at the weekends 202 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,161 'cause nobody else could stand the noise. 203 00:11:58,607 --> 00:11:59,927 Great job. 204 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,517 -What happened? -I lost it. 205 00:12:05,087 --> 00:12:06,805 The cuts, you know. 206 00:12:09,047 --> 00:12:12,039 Then I started doing hospital radio in town. 207 00:12:12,127 --> 00:12:15,324 Amateur, like here. But a huge place. 208 00:12:16,727 --> 00:12:18,001 And then? 209 00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:22,881 -And then they sacked me. -You certainly lose a lot of jobs. 210 00:12:25,127 --> 00:12:26,526 Aye, enough. 211 00:12:30,487 --> 00:12:32,398 I was a secretary once. 212 00:12:33,247 --> 00:12:36,000 Import-export business out of Prestwick. 213 00:12:41,247 --> 00:12:42,521 (SIGHING) 214 00:12:42,767 --> 00:12:44,724 I'm suffocating in here. 215 00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:58,165 -No pass! No pass! -Grandma, it's me. 216 00:12:58,247 --> 00:13:02,923 I know you, you bad, bad boy! Do you pay television licence? 217 00:13:03,007 --> 00:13:04,122 What? 218 00:13:04,487 --> 00:13:07,923 Licence people come here today. Three times they come. 219 00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:13,441 First I hide, then I speak Lithuanian. And then I act like senile idiot. 220 00:13:13,527 --> 00:13:16,087 They think I am senile idiot, Eddie! 221 00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:19,724 Soon they come back and maybe they take television. 222 00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:22,958 You want I miss Blind Date? You want I miss EastEnders? 223 00:13:23,047 --> 00:13:25,800 You want I miss Newsnight with Peter Snow? 224 00:13:25,887 --> 00:13:27,480 Look, I'm sorry! 225 00:13:27,727 --> 00:13:32,198 -I just didnae have the 83 quid. -But you have job now, Eddie. 226 00:13:32,287 --> 00:13:34,323 Yeah, but it's not like winning the pools, Grandma. 227 00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:35,840 Eddie, what do I do with you? 228 00:13:35,927 --> 00:13:38,646 When do you get married, so I can throw you out? 229 00:13:38,727 --> 00:13:39,876 This is my flat. 230 00:13:39,967 --> 00:13:43,596 Well, when do you get married, so you can throw me out? 231 00:13:47,087 --> 00:13:49,123 I'll pay the licence tomorrow. 232 00:13:49,207 --> 00:13:52,120 -And the television rental? -And the television rental. 233 00:13:52,207 --> 00:13:53,481 And the electric? 234 00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:55,763 I'm running up an overdraft, Grandma. 235 00:13:55,847 --> 00:13:59,124 And find nice lassie and get married 236 00:13:59,207 --> 00:14:02,245 and give me many, many great-grandchildren. 237 00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:06,398 Well, for that I'll have to talk to my bank manager. 238 00:14:10,087 --> 00:14:12,442 Cheer up. It may never happen. 239 00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:17,925 Don't you just hate it when people say that? 240 00:14:18,407 --> 00:14:22,446 Go on, be miserable. I don't blame you for being depressed. 241 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:25,196 The food here is diabolical. 242 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,799 Do you work round here? 243 00:14:28,887 --> 00:14:31,356 Aye, just down the road. I'm a salesman. 244 00:14:31,447 --> 00:14:34,086 A salesman. I might have guessed. 245 00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:37,484 They're always so vaguely oily, salesmen. 246 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:39,603 No offence, of course. 247 00:14:40,207 --> 00:14:44,678 We had a salesman in the family once, my sister's husband. 248 00:14:45,007 --> 00:14:47,760 Dreadful man. I never had any time for him. 249 00:14:47,847 --> 00:14:52,318 Sold toilets. "Commodes," he called them. 250 00:14:52,687 --> 00:14:54,883 "Toilets" in plain English. 251 00:14:55,127 --> 00:14:57,198 He's dead now, thankfully. 252 00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:01,123 -I've got to go now. -Oh, yes, so do I. 253 00:15:01,207 --> 00:15:05,246 I'm afraid I'm temporarily financially embarrassed. 254 00:15:05,567 --> 00:15:08,320 I couldn't borrow £2.60, could I? 255 00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:13,757 You're a gentleman, sir. What do you sell anyway? 256 00:15:13,847 --> 00:15:15,167 Double glazing. 257 00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:18,285 Double glazing. Now why does that ring a bell? 258 00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,684 Oh, yes. 259 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:24,967 I had a phone call from this man, a complete stranger, once, 260 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:28,642 who wanted to come round and talk to me about double glazing. 261 00:15:28,727 --> 00:15:30,559 So I thought, why not? 262 00:15:31,167 --> 00:15:34,239 We got on like a house on fire. 263 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:38,447 He stayed for maybe five hours. 264 00:15:39,047 --> 00:15:41,083 He sold you some windows? 265 00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:45,166 No. I don't recall we talked about windows. 266 00:15:47,407 --> 00:15:51,241 Harriet. My name is Harriet. 267 00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:54,158 My father wanted a boy, you see, 268 00:15:54,247 --> 00:15:57,205 and he'd set his heart on the name of Harry. 269 00:15:57,327 --> 00:15:59,557 Aye, well, see you then. 270 00:15:59,847 --> 00:16:02,839 So when I came along, they just had to make do. 271 00:16:02,927 --> 00:16:06,807 They just hadn't been thinking of any girls' names at all, you see. 272 00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:09,037 -Who's your friend? -Daisy. 273 00:16:10,047 --> 00:16:12,402 My dog's name is Daisy. 274 00:16:12,727 --> 00:16:17,039 I have had six dogs in my life, every one of them called Daisy. 275 00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:19,957 You've only got two appointments, I'm afraid. 276 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:23,722 But you'd better make yourself scarce. Griffin's been on the rampage. 277 00:16:23,807 --> 00:16:25,605 Aye. Listen, I've got to... 278 00:16:25,687 --> 00:16:28,122 Oh, now you've done it. You've got her barking. 279 00:16:28,207 --> 00:16:30,517 She's got a heart condition. 280 00:16:30,927 --> 00:16:34,966 McKenna, I want you up here and I want you up here now. 281 00:16:36,087 --> 00:16:37,885 (GRIFFIN GROWLS) 282 00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:39,400 (DOG WHIMPERS) 283 00:16:42,527 --> 00:16:45,883 Well, uh, I'll be seeing you again sometime, McKenna. 284 00:16:46,687 --> 00:16:48,200 (DOG GROWLING) 285 00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:52,240 I suppose you know why I've called you up here. 286 00:16:52,327 --> 00:16:53,647 -No, sir. -Then guess. 287 00:16:53,727 --> 00:16:56,719 -For a chat? -I never chat. 288 00:16:57,487 --> 00:17:01,446 Do you think I got to be regional sales manager by having chats? 289 00:17:01,727 --> 00:17:04,526 I got here by selling windows to customers. 290 00:17:04,847 --> 00:17:06,565 -Buyers, sir. -What? 291 00:17:06,887 --> 00:17:09,117 They're buyers, not customers. 292 00:17:09,367 --> 00:17:14,487 Well, I'm glad you got so much out of our sales seminar yesterday, McKenna. 293 00:17:15,087 --> 00:17:18,318 And how did you make out with your "buyers" last night? 294 00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:22,002 -Which buyers? -You had to leave early to meet them. 295 00:17:22,407 --> 00:17:24,842 We practically sent you out of here like a conquering hero. 296 00:17:24,927 --> 00:17:29,000 -How did you get on? -Oh, aye... Good. 297 00:17:29,447 --> 00:17:33,964 -Um... Excellent, thanks. -You closed the deal? 298 00:17:34,247 --> 00:17:36,238 Almost. Nearly there. 299 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:39,445 Almost! Nearly there! 300 00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:44,637 You don't buy a washing machine with an "almost," McKenna. 301 00:17:44,727 --> 00:17:47,719 You don't buy a Jacuzzi with a "nearly there". 302 00:17:48,087 --> 00:17:50,362 I'll... I'll work harder at it. 303 00:17:50,767 --> 00:17:53,520 How many nights a week are you going out? 304 00:17:54,047 --> 00:17:55,162 Five. 305 00:17:56,647 --> 00:17:58,763 Why not six? Why not seven? 306 00:17:59,247 --> 00:18:02,046 You should be out seven nights a week if you have to 307 00:18:02,127 --> 00:18:06,041 and weekends and weekdays, making that sale. 308 00:18:06,407 --> 00:18:07,476 Aye. 309 00:18:08,407 --> 00:18:10,478 Now listen to me, McKenna. 310 00:18:10,807 --> 00:18:14,277 Either you walk into this office on Saturday morning 311 00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:16,403 with a sale under your belt, 312 00:18:16,487 --> 00:18:19,286 signed, delivered and sealed with a kiss 313 00:18:20,527 --> 00:18:23,280 -or you're off the team. -By Saturday? 314 00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:27,206 But you've only given me two appointments. 315 00:18:27,527 --> 00:18:30,405 I'd knock on some doors if I were you, McKenna. 316 00:18:31,167 --> 00:18:34,159 (I HEAR YOU KNOCKING PLAYING) 317 00:18:38,207 --> 00:18:39,845 Good morning, I'm Edward McKenna from Twinview. 318 00:18:39,927 --> 00:18:40,917 What? 319 00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:42,156 (BABY CRYING) 320 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:44,283 Edward McKenna from Twinview Windows. 321 00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:47,602 Some of our craftsmen are installing windows in the area, 322 00:18:47,687 --> 00:18:49,484 which means we can offer you an exceptionally good deal. 323 00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:50,761 What are you doing? 324 00:18:50,847 --> 00:18:57,446 Tonight, at 7:00pm, don't miss Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show 325 00:18:57,527 --> 00:19:02,362 on hospital radio tonight at 7:00pm. 326 00:19:02,447 --> 00:19:03,846 -Twinview Windows? -Sorry. 327 00:19:03,927 --> 00:19:05,724 -Bugger off. -Clear off. 328 00:19:05,807 --> 00:19:07,206 No English. No English. 329 00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:09,483 Well, I'm not bloody English. 330 00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:12,158 He should be here by now. 331 00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:17,001 -Rosalie, what are you doing? -Just polishing your shoes, son. 332 00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:26,636 We're gonna have to go without him. 333 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:34,118 Oh no! 334 00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:40,397 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... 335 00:19:40,887 --> 00:19:42,400 I'm just going! 336 00:19:44,727 --> 00:19:46,604 Don't want to buy any double glazing, do you? 337 00:19:46,687 --> 00:19:49,156 ...two, one, you're on. 338 00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:51,079 That was I Hear You Knockin', But You Can't Come In 339 00:19:51,167 --> 00:19:53,727 dedicated to all the medical staff here at St Jude's hospital. 340 00:19:53,807 --> 00:19:55,445 They hear you knocking, but you cannae get out. 341 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:59,122 And this is Campbell Bain with the first ever Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show. 342 00:19:59,207 --> 00:20:01,676 (LOONEY TUNES THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 343 00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:07,126 And our next request is for Singha on Ward Six, 344 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,757 who tells me that she's being controlled by aliens from another planet. 345 00:20:10,847 --> 00:20:14,362 Singha, the nursing assistants are only doing their job. 346 00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,444 Is he getting at me? 347 00:20:17,927 --> 00:20:20,601 (PUPPET ON A STRING PLAYING) 348 00:20:36,647 --> 00:20:41,039 And now I've been asked to play a dead smoochy tune by Alison on Ward Seven, 349 00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:43,402 so here's a song that should cause each of us to experience 350 00:20:43,487 --> 00:20:46,525 a wee flutter in the heart, a wee catch in the throat, 351 00:20:46,607 --> 00:20:49,281 a tune that we can truly call our song. 352 00:20:50,047 --> 00:20:53,437 (GOING OUT OF MY HEAD PLAYING) 353 00:21:03,687 --> 00:21:06,486 # Over you 354 00:21:09,287 --> 00:21:11,198 He's not bad, that boy. 355 00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:25,406 # Goin' out of my head over you 356 00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:58,204 Cocoa's up. You coming? 357 00:21:58,367 --> 00:22:01,484 No. I've got to get these figures together for Evelyn. 358 00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:04,478 I had fun tonight, Eddie. 359 00:22:05,487 --> 00:22:09,321 I think that's the most fun I've ever had without being manic. 360 00:22:10,847 --> 00:22:12,360 Was I any good? 361 00:22:18,527 --> 00:22:19,596 Aye. 362 00:22:20,327 --> 00:22:22,636 I've never been good at anything before, Eddie. 363 00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:24,479 I spent four years of my life learning to play guitar 364 00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:25,841 and the only song I can play all the way through 365 00:22:25,927 --> 00:22:28,157 is Knock, Knock, Knocking on Heaven's Door. 366 00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:32,400 I only did it to try and pull women. I'm no good at that either. 367 00:22:34,047 --> 00:22:36,561 I want to do this professional, Eddie. 368 00:22:37,727 --> 00:22:39,763 Do you think I could? 369 00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:46,796 -Maybe. Aye. -I've got to take it seriously, Eddie. 370 00:22:46,887 --> 00:22:48,798 It's got to be taken seriously, that's the thing. 371 00:22:48,887 --> 00:22:50,639 First thing I'm gonna do is get some cans like yours. 372 00:22:50,727 --> 00:22:51,921 Baird DT100s. 373 00:22:52,007 --> 00:22:53,918 Aye, professional cans with my name on them 374 00:22:54,007 --> 00:22:55,884 in big yellow fluorescent letters. 375 00:22:55,967 --> 00:22:58,959 Build up my own record collection, specialise in something. 376 00:22:59,047 --> 00:23:00,924 Get some great tunes together. What else do I need? 377 00:23:01,007 --> 00:23:03,078 -Experience, Campbell? -Aye, good point. 378 00:23:03,167 --> 00:23:05,238 They're not gonna have somebody who just walks in off the street. 379 00:23:05,327 --> 00:23:08,160 They're gonna have somebody who has spent days, if not weeks, 380 00:23:08,247 --> 00:23:11,524 developing their show into a creature that's totally fresh 381 00:23:11,607 --> 00:23:15,157 -and fundamentally loony in every way. -Days, if not weeks? 382 00:23:15,247 --> 00:23:17,044 They're letting me out of here next week, Eddie. 383 00:23:17,127 --> 00:23:19,880 I want to come and work for you, full-time. 384 00:23:20,047 --> 00:23:22,038 I want you to teach me everything you know. 385 00:23:22,127 --> 00:23:23,481 We'll be a double act. 386 00:23:23,567 --> 00:23:26,206 We are gonna make this the most outrageous and original 387 00:23:26,287 --> 00:23:29,165 hospital broadcasting outfit in the country. 388 00:23:29,887 --> 00:23:32,117 This station is gonna take us places, Eddie. 389 00:23:32,207 --> 00:23:33,242 Us? 390 00:23:33,447 --> 00:23:36,837 Well, you're not gonna sell double glazing all your life, are you? 391 00:23:36,927 --> 00:23:39,680 -Not likely, anyway. -Then go for it. 392 00:23:39,807 --> 00:23:42,924 Have you never wanted to go professional, Eddie? 393 00:23:44,487 --> 00:23:48,037 -Might have sent out the odd tape. -And? 394 00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:52,520 The general consensus seemed to be I was shite. 395 00:23:54,127 --> 00:23:56,926 That's where you went wrong. You see, you went to them. 396 00:23:57,007 --> 00:24:00,682 That's one thing I'm sure of is you've got to get them to come to you. 397 00:24:00,767 --> 00:24:03,406 -What's it called? -Abduction, Campbell, and it's illegal. 398 00:24:03,487 --> 00:24:07,606 No, no, market strategy! Creating a seller's market! 399 00:24:07,927 --> 00:24:09,599 Can you see the potential? 400 00:24:09,687 --> 00:24:13,282 We're one of the only loony radio stations in the country. 401 00:24:13,367 --> 00:24:18,202 Think of the angle, the publicity. "Loonies take over asylum at St Jude's." 402 00:24:18,567 --> 00:24:21,639 All we have to do is be brilliant as well as original 403 00:24:21,727 --> 00:24:23,877 and they'll be coming to us. 404 00:24:24,607 --> 00:24:27,963 With your knowledge and experience and my hypomania, how can we lose? 405 00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,281 Come on, Eddie. You with me? 406 00:24:37,607 --> 00:24:38,676 Aye. 407 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:44,003 -Are you sure you're not manic? -I'm inspired, Eddie. 408 00:24:45,087 --> 00:24:46,919 What's the difference? 409 00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:50,765 Inspired is when you think you can do anything. 410 00:24:51,207 --> 00:24:53,243 Manic is when you know it. 411 00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:13,281 Good night. 412 00:25:27,367 --> 00:25:30,041 -Who are you looking for? -Nobody. 413 00:25:33,247 --> 00:25:34,806 You, I suppose. 414 00:25:37,247 --> 00:25:40,205 -Would you like my cocoa? -You don't want it? 415 00:25:41,167 --> 00:25:44,444 No. I hate the stuff, but I like to be cooperative. 416 00:25:47,447 --> 00:25:51,201 -You're wearing a tie? -Aye. Stupid thing, is it not? 417 00:25:54,807 --> 00:25:56,718 -Are you okay? -Oh, aye. 418 00:25:58,167 --> 00:26:01,284 No. I think I'm about to lose my job. 419 00:26:04,967 --> 00:26:09,040 You certainly don't have a lot of luck with jobs. It must be said. 420 00:26:11,287 --> 00:26:14,325 -Have you got a family? -My grandmother. 421 00:26:15,607 --> 00:26:19,122 -You live with your grandmother? -No. She lives with me. 422 00:26:20,047 --> 00:26:21,879 Since my granddad died. 423 00:26:23,927 --> 00:26:25,645 She raised me, see? 424 00:26:27,687 --> 00:26:30,520 In fact, she thinks she's still raising me. 425 00:26:31,207 --> 00:26:32,640 She's Lithuanian. 426 00:26:32,727 --> 00:26:36,686 In her lifetime, she stood up to Hitler, she stood up to Stalin. 427 00:26:37,047 --> 00:26:41,040 Believe me, it's very difficult to argue with someone like that. 428 00:26:44,527 --> 00:26:46,757 What do you argue about? 429 00:26:47,247 --> 00:26:49,636 She wants me to get married, mainly. 430 00:26:49,727 --> 00:26:51,524 In Lithuania if you don't marry by the time you're 30, 431 00:26:51,607 --> 00:26:54,599 they stop locking up their daughters and start locking up their sons. 432 00:26:55,727 --> 00:26:57,763 Did you never have a girlfriend or that? 433 00:26:57,847 --> 00:26:59,644 Oh, aye. Angela. 434 00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:04,601 I still cannae say "Angel Delight" without accidentally saying Angela. 435 00:27:04,687 --> 00:27:06,883 -You did just then. -Did I? 436 00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:12,806 Oh well. Must be getting over her then. 437 00:27:20,127 --> 00:27:22,596 Is that your car parked down there? 438 00:27:22,847 --> 00:27:24,838 -The orange Allegro? -Aye. 439 00:27:25,607 --> 00:27:28,724 -How did you know? -I've seen you get out of it. 440 00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:32,520 It may not look like much, but, mark my words, 441 00:27:32,607 --> 00:27:34,803 that'll be a classic one day. 442 00:27:35,647 --> 00:27:38,525 Take you out for a spin sometime, if you like. 443 00:27:38,607 --> 00:27:39,836 No. 444 00:27:41,087 --> 00:27:43,476 Well, they don't usually let me out, see. 445 00:27:43,567 --> 00:27:46,878 In case I start posing a danger to myself or others. 446 00:27:48,887 --> 00:27:53,199 -Francine, how'd you come to be in here? -Oh, look, there's McTavish. 447 00:27:53,447 --> 00:27:57,236 He's a cat that lives on the grounds. Oh, he's gone now. 448 00:27:57,327 --> 00:27:59,079 You cannae pick him up or that because he's wild. 449 00:27:59,167 --> 00:28:01,522 -But everybody knows him. -I saw him. A big black cat. 450 00:28:01,607 --> 00:28:03,678 Aye, and dead fat. 451 00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:07,044 Francine, I hate to break this to you, but he is a she. 452 00:28:07,127 --> 00:28:09,038 -And she is pregnant. -He's not pregnant. 453 00:28:09,167 --> 00:28:11,681 -He's just dead fat. -What, with those wee skinny legs? 454 00:28:11,767 --> 00:28:13,200 Francine, trust me, she's pregnant. 455 00:28:13,287 --> 00:28:17,599 He's not pregnant! It's just fat. He eats too much and he's fat, right? 456 00:28:21,327 --> 00:28:22,601 Just fat. 457 00:28:29,207 --> 00:28:30,561 McKenna! 458 00:28:30,967 --> 00:28:32,878 It's McKenna, isn't it? 459 00:28:33,767 --> 00:28:35,439 Harriet, remember? 460 00:28:35,807 --> 00:28:39,163 Harriet. And my dog's name is Daisy. 461 00:28:39,647 --> 00:28:43,436 You should write these things down, if you've no memory for names. 462 00:28:43,527 --> 00:28:48,203 I wanted to bump into you again because I want to give you that £2.60. 463 00:28:48,647 --> 00:28:51,844 No, it's okay. Consider breakfast on me. 464 00:28:51,927 --> 00:28:55,841 No. I never accept charity. 465 00:28:55,927 --> 00:28:57,645 And I rarely borrow. 466 00:28:57,727 --> 00:29:00,366 Neither a borrower nor a lender be. 467 00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:02,518 It says that in the Bible. 468 00:29:04,407 --> 00:29:06,557 Don't frighten Daisy again. 469 00:29:06,647 --> 00:29:09,286 I told you, she has a heart condition. 470 00:29:09,967 --> 00:29:11,161 Thanks. 471 00:29:11,247 --> 00:29:14,000 You're a salesman, is that right, McKenna? 472 00:29:14,087 --> 00:29:15,759 -Aye. -There you are. 473 00:29:15,847 --> 00:29:18,998 I don't forget a thing. Mind like a steel trap. 474 00:29:19,087 --> 00:29:21,362 You tell me something, I don't forget it. 475 00:29:21,447 --> 00:29:23,119 What was it you sell again? 476 00:29:23,207 --> 00:29:26,085 -Double glazing. -Double glazing. 477 00:29:26,367 --> 00:29:28,517 Well, that's a stupid thing, isn't it? 478 00:29:28,607 --> 00:29:31,838 Does that mean that you have two windows 479 00:29:31,927 --> 00:29:34,601 for every window in your house, is that right? 480 00:29:34,687 --> 00:29:35,802 Aye. 481 00:29:35,887 --> 00:29:39,118 But isn't that a bit daft? You might as well have 482 00:29:39,327 --> 00:29:43,639 two doors for every door and two walls for every wall. 483 00:29:43,767 --> 00:29:45,678 Well, it keeps out the draughts. 484 00:29:45,767 --> 00:29:49,442 My roof keeps out the rain, but it doesn't mean I need two. 485 00:29:50,007 --> 00:29:53,796 -Look, I've got to go to work now. -But I'm puzzled, McKenna. 486 00:29:55,407 --> 00:29:59,241 Look, take one of these brochures. That'll explain everything. 487 00:29:59,487 --> 00:30:01,922 Oh, thank you. 488 00:30:25,167 --> 00:30:27,317 I've still got two more days. 489 00:30:27,407 --> 00:30:30,445 Griffin said, "Just in case". 490 00:30:36,807 --> 00:30:41,199 Fergus. Fergus, what are you doing? 491 00:30:42,087 --> 00:30:45,841 -Dripping. -Where have you been all morning? 492 00:30:48,327 --> 00:30:50,284 Go on, get yourself dry. 493 00:30:53,767 --> 00:30:56,725 And I'll take the wire cutters, Fergus. 494 00:31:05,487 --> 00:31:10,197 -Fergus, did you get them? -Aye, second hand. 50 quid. 495 00:31:10,287 --> 00:31:13,279 This is brilliant. Brilliant. 496 00:31:13,687 --> 00:31:17,441 My first professional headphones. Did you get the paint? 497 00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:24,322 I have to put my name on. That's how they do it in professional radio. 498 00:31:24,407 --> 00:31:26,364 Where'd you get all this cash anyway? 499 00:31:26,447 --> 00:31:29,405 -Sold Mad John all my cigarettes. -For 60 quid? 500 00:31:30,127 --> 00:31:34,280 Well, it was nearly eight packs and he did offer. He was desperate. 501 00:31:34,567 --> 00:31:36,285 What are you gonna do for fags? 502 00:31:36,367 --> 00:31:39,200 I'm giving it up. I've got to take care of my voice. 503 00:31:39,287 --> 00:31:42,564 And may God strike me dead if I so much as engage in passive smoking. 504 00:31:43,807 --> 00:31:46,526 -Everybody smokes in here. -Then I'll stop breathing in. 505 00:31:46,607 --> 00:31:49,326 Come on. Let's try these out at the station. 506 00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:51,443 Dad. Hello. 507 00:31:52,807 --> 00:31:54,161 You're wet. 508 00:31:54,887 --> 00:31:58,721 Next time I'll take my clothes off before I get into the bath. 509 00:32:03,007 --> 00:32:05,043 I thought he was a doctor. 510 00:32:05,927 --> 00:32:07,440 Only part-time. 511 00:32:12,247 --> 00:32:15,125 I was wondering if you'd thought about what we were saying. 512 00:32:15,207 --> 00:32:17,198 Yes, I have. 513 00:32:18,127 --> 00:32:20,038 And I've decided that you're absolutely dead on. 514 00:32:20,127 --> 00:32:23,085 I'm 19 years old and it's time I started thinking about my future. 515 00:32:23,167 --> 00:32:26,045 -Oh, aye. -You're gonna be proud of me, Dad. 516 00:32:26,367 --> 00:32:29,120 Because I've decided that my future, my life's work, my soul's passion 517 00:32:29,207 --> 00:32:32,563 -is gonna be this. -You're gonna be an airline pilot? 518 00:32:32,647 --> 00:32:35,958 No. A radio disc jockey. 519 00:32:36,287 --> 00:32:39,359 And I can get all the experience I need right here in the hospital station. 520 00:32:39,447 --> 00:32:42,280 -We're back to that, are we? -Back to what? 521 00:32:43,207 --> 00:32:46,358 Well, six months ago you wanted to be a pop star. 522 00:32:46,967 --> 00:32:48,685 That was different. I cannae sing. 523 00:32:48,767 --> 00:32:52,078 Two years before you wanted to be a racing jockey. 524 00:32:52,167 --> 00:32:55,523 -I'm afraid of horses. -Before that you wanted to be an actor. 525 00:32:55,607 --> 00:32:57,643 I cannae remember lines. But this is different. 526 00:32:57,727 --> 00:32:59,877 I'm good at it. I know I am. 527 00:33:00,247 --> 00:33:04,525 Well, there's a lot of things are gonna be different from now on. 528 00:33:04,847 --> 00:33:07,156 Your mother and me have been talking 529 00:33:07,247 --> 00:33:09,761 and we've decided it would be a good idea 530 00:33:09,847 --> 00:33:12,805 if you went to your Auntie Susan's for a bit. 531 00:33:13,527 --> 00:33:15,006 She lives in Perth. 532 00:33:15,087 --> 00:33:17,920 Yes, but you can go to adult classes there. 533 00:33:18,527 --> 00:33:20,404 You'll get the peace and quiet that you need. 534 00:33:20,487 --> 00:33:22,319 I cannae go to Perth. I've got to stay in Glasgow 535 00:33:22,407 --> 00:33:24,967 to work in the station. I need the experience. 536 00:33:25,047 --> 00:33:27,516 -You need to get well. -I'm not ill! 537 00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:29,685 You cannae make me go to Perth. 538 00:33:29,767 --> 00:33:33,078 I'm 19 years old and I'm staying in Glasgow to work in the station. 539 00:33:33,167 --> 00:33:36,205 I'm gonna be a professional DJ whether you like it or not. 540 00:33:36,287 --> 00:33:39,837 You stand there, shouting at the top of your voice, 541 00:33:39,927 --> 00:33:43,124 throwing your arms about like some mad scarecrow 542 00:33:43,207 --> 00:33:47,917 and you're telling me you're not ill? You're not capable of thinking straight. 543 00:33:48,607 --> 00:33:51,485 And some straight thinking needs to be done. 544 00:33:51,647 --> 00:33:54,764 Now, your mother and me have done our best to look after you. 545 00:33:54,847 --> 00:33:58,601 If that's not good enough for you then there's nothing left but... 546 00:33:59,527 --> 00:34:03,805 to have you sectioned and let the doctors decide. 547 00:34:07,807 --> 00:34:09,127 Oh, Jesus. 548 00:34:11,367 --> 00:34:13,358 You'd have me sectioned. 549 00:34:18,487 --> 00:34:21,286 I'll come around on Monday to collect you. 550 00:34:21,607 --> 00:34:23,996 Your uncle has loaned me his car. 551 00:34:28,887 --> 00:34:31,162 Have you never been young, Dad? 552 00:34:32,727 --> 00:34:35,480 Is there never anything you wanted to do? 553 00:34:35,807 --> 00:34:38,958 You wanted to be more than anything in the world? 554 00:34:41,887 --> 00:34:43,116 Oh, aye. 555 00:34:44,487 --> 00:34:48,958 Goalkeeper for Glasgow Rangers. A lot of fucking good it did me. 556 00:34:56,247 --> 00:34:58,204 Eddie, I've been looking for you. 557 00:34:58,287 --> 00:35:00,562 I just wanted to walk in before I went home 558 00:35:00,647 --> 00:35:02,001 to collect those figures you promised. 559 00:35:02,127 --> 00:35:03,765 Oh, aye. 560 00:35:04,407 --> 00:35:06,125 There's been a wee problem with the figures. 561 00:35:06,207 --> 00:35:08,516 Some of them are still missing. 562 00:35:08,927 --> 00:35:10,520 What, invoices? 563 00:35:10,927 --> 00:35:13,157 -Receipts, budgets? -Aye. 564 00:35:13,247 --> 00:35:15,921 -You've lost all your documents? -No, no. 565 00:35:16,007 --> 00:35:18,646 They've just been misplaced a wee bit. 566 00:35:19,167 --> 00:35:21,124 -Hello, Fergus. -Evening. 567 00:35:21,447 --> 00:35:23,324 Well, then, what's this? 568 00:35:23,407 --> 00:35:28,276 Nominal ledger, purchase ledger, budget, forecast. 569 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,640 My word. 570 00:35:31,767 --> 00:35:34,566 I don't think I've seen such neat numbers 571 00:35:34,647 --> 00:35:36,877 since I was doing accountancy. 572 00:35:37,447 --> 00:35:40,803 Aye, aye, well... I knew they'd turn up. 573 00:35:40,887 --> 00:35:42,480 Excellent. 574 00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:47,483 Well, I'll go over these and I'll talk to the board at the meeting next week. 575 00:35:50,847 --> 00:35:54,044 -Could I just have a wee word? -Aye. 576 00:35:55,247 --> 00:36:00,685 Eddie, nobody could admire you more than I do for involving the patients. 577 00:36:00,807 --> 00:36:04,687 But I think the intention when we decided to fund the station 578 00:36:04,807 --> 00:36:08,197 was that there would be a regular staff of outside volunteers. 579 00:36:08,287 --> 00:36:11,165 -Reliable people. -I've never been let down. 580 00:36:11,247 --> 00:36:14,683 Eddie, some of these patients have horrendous problems. 581 00:36:14,767 --> 00:36:17,361 It's not fair to expect too much. 582 00:36:17,447 --> 00:36:19,483 They keep telling me how much they enjoy it. 583 00:36:19,567 --> 00:36:21,876 You can't always listen to them. 584 00:36:25,287 --> 00:36:26,561 Francine! 585 00:36:27,767 --> 00:36:29,803 Campbell. Campbell! 586 00:36:34,487 --> 00:36:36,956 I thought you said you were gonna give up cigarettes. 587 00:36:37,047 --> 00:36:40,085 Aye, well, I also said I was gonna become a DJ. 588 00:36:46,607 --> 00:36:47,927 (BELL TOLLING) 589 00:36:48,007 --> 00:36:49,804 (WATCH ALARM BEEPING) 590 00:36:53,127 --> 00:36:54,845 Time's up, McKenna. 591 00:36:55,487 --> 00:36:58,001 HARRIET: Ah, there you are, McKenna. 592 00:36:58,327 --> 00:37:02,241 -See, you can't escape me, can you? -Harriet. 593 00:37:02,327 --> 00:37:04,887 And you've remembered my name that time. 594 00:37:04,967 --> 00:37:07,925 That's because you wrote it down, didn't you? 595 00:37:08,087 --> 00:37:10,476 No. It's not easy to forget. 596 00:37:10,847 --> 00:37:14,840 I've been reading this brochure you gave me about double glazing. 597 00:37:15,127 --> 00:37:19,120 I must admit I was sceptical, but this brochure convinced me. 598 00:37:19,327 --> 00:37:24,526 Less draughts, less noise, an altogether excellent idea. 599 00:37:25,247 --> 00:37:28,797 Maybe you could come round and tell me how much it would cost at my place. 600 00:37:28,967 --> 00:37:31,959 -It's awfully draughty, you see. -Do you want me to give you a call? 601 00:37:32,047 --> 00:37:35,358 No. I want you to tell me how much it will cost. 602 00:37:36,527 --> 00:37:39,565 And I don't want that dreadful aluminium stuff. 603 00:37:39,767 --> 00:37:42,600 It reminds me of flattened-out tins. 604 00:37:42,687 --> 00:37:45,759 I want the plain white sash windows. 605 00:37:46,167 --> 00:37:48,886 Discreet and stylish. 606 00:37:49,767 --> 00:37:53,442 Well, write it down then. You know what your memory's like. 607 00:37:56,287 --> 00:37:58,323 Here we are then. 608 00:38:00,007 --> 00:38:03,204 -You need to show me which flat. -Oh, it's all mine. 609 00:38:03,287 --> 00:38:05,244 It's a bit much for me since my husband died. 610 00:38:05,327 --> 00:38:08,319 But it was in his family for so long, you see. 611 00:38:08,527 --> 00:38:13,556 Now, there are 35 windows, back and front. 612 00:38:14,327 --> 00:38:16,796 Have you got your own tape measure? 613 00:38:17,727 --> 00:38:20,036 (THIS OLD HOUSE PLAYING) 614 00:38:31,407 --> 00:38:33,523 (DOG GROWLING) 615 00:38:52,807 --> 00:38:54,639 This is Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes Show 616 00:38:54,727 --> 00:38:59,119 and I hope everyone in this old house is tuned in and ready to rock and roll. 617 00:39:00,167 --> 00:39:02,886 (LOONEY TUNES THEME) 618 00:39:03,847 --> 00:39:06,156 That's right because it's time for the Looney Tunes show 619 00:39:06,247 --> 00:39:08,636 and I want you dancing, loonies. I want you singing along. 620 00:39:08,727 --> 00:39:11,196 I want you clapping your hands and stamping your feet. 621 00:39:11,287 --> 00:39:14,165 If there's a strange voice in your head, get it to sing along. 622 00:39:14,247 --> 00:39:17,797 If there's a catatonic sitting next to you, wake 'em up! 623 00:39:17,887 --> 00:39:20,242 This is for all of you having ECT tomorrow. 624 00:39:20,327 --> 00:39:22,841 I hope you get some good vibrations. 625 00:39:23,367 --> 00:39:26,006 (GOOD VIBRATIONS PLAYING) 626 00:39:26,167 --> 00:39:29,284 # She's giving me excitations 627 00:39:29,407 --> 00:39:32,479 # I'm picking up good vibrations 628 00:39:32,567 --> 00:39:35,559 # She's giving me excitations # 629 00:39:36,887 --> 00:39:39,561 Well, I suppose you're all wondering why I asked you here tonight. 630 00:39:39,647 --> 00:39:41,365 As you may know, this is the fourth and last 631 00:39:41,447 --> 00:39:43,040 Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes show. 632 00:39:43,127 --> 00:39:45,721 The good news is it's because I'm being discharged. 633 00:39:45,807 --> 00:39:48,082 That bad news is I'm gonna be living in Perth. 634 00:39:48,167 --> 00:39:51,125 And our first competition tonight was to find a special dedication 635 00:39:51,207 --> 00:39:52,322 to the town of Perth. 636 00:39:52,407 --> 00:39:54,682 And the winner is Margaret on Ward 11. 637 00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:57,679 And she dedicated this song to the town of Perth. 638 00:39:57,767 --> 00:39:59,405 He's hot tonight. 639 00:40:00,327 --> 00:40:03,205 (WE GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS PLACE PLAYING) 640 00:40:18,327 --> 00:40:21,319 That's not dance music, is it? We're supposed to be rocking and rolling. 641 00:40:21,447 --> 00:40:24,041 Because we are loonies and we are proud. 642 00:40:24,127 --> 00:40:26,038 I'm a manic depressive and I'm proud, my friends. 643 00:40:26,127 --> 00:40:28,596 Some of the greatest geniuses in history have been manic depressives 644 00:40:28,687 --> 00:40:31,679 on a manic roll. Vincent van Gogh, Handel, Schumann, 645 00:40:31,767 --> 00:40:34,566 Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Spike Milligan, Vivien Leigh. 646 00:40:34,647 --> 00:40:36,604 That is 100% true, folks. 647 00:40:36,687 --> 00:40:38,644 And this is for all you manic-depressives out there. 648 00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:41,036 We are loonies and we are proud! 649 00:40:42,087 --> 00:40:45,716 ((YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING ME) HIGHER AND HIGHER PLAYING) 650 00:40:46,287 --> 00:40:49,802 # Your love keeps lifting me higher 651 00:40:50,967 --> 00:40:54,357 # Than I've ever been lifted before # 652 00:40:57,527 --> 00:40:59,518 CAMPBELL: Have you ever noticed how much mental illness imagery 653 00:40:59,607 --> 00:41:01,040 there is in popular music? 654 00:41:01,127 --> 00:41:03,004 Tonight our guest on the Looney Tunes show 655 00:41:03,087 --> 00:41:05,601 is professor of musicology, Doctor Boogie. 656 00:41:05,687 --> 00:41:08,599 Aye, aye, in popular music we find much images of mental illness 657 00:41:08,687 --> 00:41:12,441 indicating an underlying fear and fascination. For example... 658 00:41:12,527 --> 00:41:14,996 # Please, lock me away... # 659 00:41:15,087 --> 00:41:16,407 He's away. 660 00:41:16,687 --> 00:41:19,565 And this expresses a deep anxiety about going a little bit crazy. 661 00:41:19,647 --> 00:41:21,285 Another example is... 662 00:41:21,487 --> 00:41:23,478 #You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain... # 663 00:41:23,567 --> 00:41:27,276 This expresses the deep anxiety about going a lot crazier with a pyromaniac. 664 00:41:27,407 --> 00:41:29,125 And then again, in a song like... 665 00:41:29,207 --> 00:41:30,527 (PAINT IT BLACK PLAYS) 666 00:41:30,607 --> 00:41:31,722 A fascination with obsessive behaviour. 667 00:41:31,807 --> 00:41:34,162 And some songs provoke the greatest fears of all. 668 00:41:34,247 --> 00:41:38,320 In this case, the twin fears of abject mediocrity and liking crap songs. 669 00:41:38,487 --> 00:41:41,206 But then, of course, there is... 670 00:41:41,327 --> 00:41:43,887 # Met her on a Monday and my heart stood still... # 671 00:41:43,967 --> 00:41:46,242 Which has got nothing to do with loonies but it's a great song! 672 00:41:46,327 --> 00:41:49,717 Whoa, I'm sweating! I'm just gonna open a window. 673 00:41:50,487 --> 00:41:52,364 It's a long way down from this window. 674 00:41:52,447 --> 00:41:54,483 But I'm so high I'll bet I could fly. 675 00:41:54,567 --> 00:41:57,400 Cue the song. Cue the song. 676 00:41:57,487 --> 00:41:58,807 Jesus, Campbell. 677 00:41:58,887 --> 00:42:00,525 # Fly like an eagle # 678 00:42:00,607 --> 00:42:01,881 What do you think, boys and girls? 679 00:42:01,967 --> 00:42:04,163 Do you think if we close our eyes and say, "I do believe in magic", 680 00:42:04,247 --> 00:42:06,363 that Peter Pan will really be able to fly? 681 00:42:06,447 --> 00:42:08,006 Let's try it, eh! 682 00:42:08,127 --> 00:42:09,640 I do believe in magic. 683 00:42:09,727 --> 00:42:12,196 Come on! I do believe in magic! 684 00:42:12,287 --> 00:42:13,720 They're coming to get me, folks. 685 00:42:13,807 --> 00:42:15,639 They're coming to get your very own Campbell Bain. 686 00:42:15,727 --> 00:42:18,241 But wait, I've got the perfect song. 687 00:42:19,567 --> 00:42:20,966 # They're coming to take me away # 688 00:42:21,047 --> 00:42:22,958 We're really seeing some action now! 689 00:42:23,047 --> 00:42:25,197 The nursing staff have been at a temporary disadvantage, 690 00:42:25,287 --> 00:42:27,164 but I think that they're beginning to get the upper hand now. 691 00:42:27,247 --> 00:42:29,124 Yes! They found a spare key! 692 00:42:29,207 --> 00:42:32,119 It may be all over soon. Oh, no! 693 00:42:32,207 --> 00:42:34,767 The key's in the lock from the inside 694 00:42:34,847 --> 00:42:36,838 and there's not a thing they can do about it! 695 00:42:36,927 --> 00:42:39,282 Oh, wait! It's wee Stuart. 696 00:42:39,367 --> 00:42:41,278 And he's not happy. If he can't break through the door, 697 00:42:41,367 --> 00:42:42,880 I don't think anyone can. 698 00:42:43,247 --> 00:42:45,044 He's done it! He's broken the glass! 699 00:42:45,127 --> 00:42:46,924 And he's in! 700 00:42:47,007 --> 00:42:49,476 A loony joke! This loony walks into a pub with his dog. 701 00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:51,205 The barman says, "You can't have any dogs in here". 702 00:42:51,287 --> 00:42:52,766 The loony says, "He's a talking dog." 703 00:42:52,847 --> 00:42:55,680 "If he answers three questions, can he stay in the bar?" 704 00:42:55,767 --> 00:42:56,757 "Let's see it." 705 00:42:56,847 --> 00:42:59,282 So he says to the dog, "What's the texture of sandpaper?" 706 00:42:59,367 --> 00:43:00,516 And the dog says, "Rough". 707 00:43:00,607 --> 00:43:02,564 And then the guy asks, "Who was Scotland's goalkeeper 708 00:43:02,647 --> 00:43:04,240 "in the 1978 World Cup?" 709 00:43:04,327 --> 00:43:05,396 And the dog says, "Rough". 710 00:43:05,487 --> 00:43:08,320 And then, "who was the greatest American baseball player of all time?" 711 00:43:08,407 --> 00:43:11,319 And the dog says, "Ruth". The barman's definitely not impressed. 712 00:43:11,407 --> 00:43:14,240 He grabs the guy by the collar and throws him onto the street. 713 00:43:14,327 --> 00:43:17,638 Then he grabs the dog by the collar and throws him into the street. 714 00:43:17,727 --> 00:43:19,126 And as they're lying in the gutter, 715 00:43:19,207 --> 00:43:22,165 the wee dog looks up with tears in his eye... 716 00:43:30,887 --> 00:43:33,322 The wee dog looks up with tears in his eyes. 717 00:43:33,407 --> 00:43:36,240 And he says, "DiMaggio?" 718 00:44:07,447 --> 00:44:09,916 Hello, this is Francine. 719 00:44:10,367 --> 00:44:13,359 And the next song you're gonna listen to is Hound Dog. 720 00:44:16,327 --> 00:44:18,557 (HOUND DOG PLAYS) 721 00:45:02,727 --> 00:45:04,399 (DOORBELL BUZZING) 722 00:45:10,687 --> 00:45:12,405 -You're early. -Aye. 723 00:45:13,007 --> 00:45:14,998 I wanted to try and see Campbell if I could. 724 00:45:15,087 --> 00:45:18,602 Of course. He's groggy but fairly lucid. 725 00:45:21,607 --> 00:45:23,837 -It's my fault, is it not? -No. 726 00:45:25,767 --> 00:45:28,281 You're not thinking of giving up, are you? 727 00:45:28,367 --> 00:45:30,597 -Aye. -Don't. 728 00:45:32,767 --> 00:45:38,046 One of my patients, Dorothy. She's in here more often than she's out. 729 00:45:38,127 --> 00:45:41,597 Whatever I suggest to her, she always does, no matter what. 730 00:45:41,687 --> 00:45:43,723 If I say, "Dorothy, would you like a bath?", 731 00:45:43,807 --> 00:45:45,366 she goes for a bath. 732 00:45:45,447 --> 00:45:47,165 If I say, "Dorothy, would you like to play cards?", 733 00:45:47,247 --> 00:45:48,840 she plays cards. 734 00:45:49,527 --> 00:45:51,802 Saturday night she was dancing. 735 00:45:51,967 --> 00:45:53,844 She's not very good on her feet and I was afraid she'd fall, 736 00:45:53,927 --> 00:45:56,726 so I said, "Dorothy, would you like to sit down now?" 737 00:45:56,807 --> 00:45:59,196 She said, "Oh, piss off, Isabel". 738 00:46:00,727 --> 00:46:02,718 Keep making waves, Eddie. 739 00:46:22,927 --> 00:46:25,885 What's this? Did somebody die? 740 00:46:28,047 --> 00:46:31,324 They gave me work. Big day today. 741 00:46:31,767 --> 00:46:33,838 I'm salesman of the month. 742 00:46:35,727 --> 00:46:37,763 Salesman of the month, eh? 743 00:46:41,527 --> 00:46:44,565 -How are you? -Great. 744 00:46:46,327 --> 00:46:50,605 I saw my shrink this morning. He says I'm definitely not stable yet. 745 00:46:52,527 --> 00:46:55,724 They're gonna keep me in another six to ten weeks. 746 00:46:56,927 --> 00:47:01,444 Do you realise how much we could make of that station in six to ten weeks? 747 00:47:03,287 --> 00:47:05,244 Anything's possible now. 748 00:47:05,647 --> 00:47:08,798 Aye, well, if you think you're up to it. 749 00:47:10,847 --> 00:47:12,485 Great acting, eh? 750 00:47:18,327 --> 00:47:20,159 I'll beat them, Eddie. 751 00:47:23,007 --> 00:47:25,123 I'll beat the bastards. 752 00:47:45,447 --> 00:47:49,440 -You did my figures for me. -Just made them neat and tidy. 753 00:47:56,327 --> 00:47:57,556 Rosalie? 754 00:48:01,407 --> 00:48:04,285 How would you like to be my station manager? 755 00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:14,646 (STAY (JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER) PLAYING)