1 00:00:07,407 --> 00:00:11,799 (DANCING IN THE STREET PLAYING) 2 00:00:15,967 --> 00:00:20,996 This is Street Radio keeping you, you dancing in the street. 3 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:22,919 And if you like what you've heard so far, 4 00:00:23,007 --> 00:00:24,918 then come and sign the petition which says, 5 00:00:25,007 --> 00:00:29,205 "We, the undersigned, would like Campbell Bain and Ready-Eddie McKenna 6 00:00:29,287 --> 00:00:31,722 "to be given their own show on local radio." 7 00:00:31,807 --> 00:00:34,879 And make us the first DJs in radio history 8 00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:37,845 to go professional by popular demand. 9 00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:42,403 Here's an anonymous dedication to Debbie, 10 00:00:42,487 --> 00:00:44,842 who works in the travel centre just across from us, 11 00:00:44,927 --> 00:00:50,365 from a secret admirer who could show you what love is, yeah. 12 00:00:50,447 --> 00:00:51,437 (DO YA THINK I'M SEXY PLAYING) 13 00:00:51,527 --> 00:00:54,326 All right, Debbie. It's that wee baldy guy in the blue anorak. 14 00:00:54,407 --> 00:00:55,840 (CROWD LAUGHING) 15 00:00:57,367 --> 00:00:58,641 (SWITCHES OFF) 16 00:00:58,727 --> 00:01:00,604 Right. Party's over. 17 00:01:00,687 --> 00:01:01,836 You're busking without a permit 18 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:03,645 and yo use have got one minute to clear off. 19 00:01:03,727 --> 00:01:05,524 A permit? 20 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:09,760 Are you telling me that we need a permit to dance? 21 00:01:09,847 --> 00:01:11,326 ALL: No! 22 00:01:11,407 --> 00:01:15,002 -Do we need a permit to boogie? -No! 23 00:01:15,087 --> 00:01:18,876 We are here to boogie and we shall not be moved! 24 00:01:18,967 --> 00:01:22,118 (ALL CHEERING) 25 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,278 -What are you doing? -I told you it would work. 26 00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,802 We got a genuine incident going here. 27 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,639 We are going to be in the papers. 28 00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:30,445 We're going to be in jail, Campbell. 29 00:01:30,527 --> 00:01:32,040 (SIRENS WAILING) 30 00:01:33,607 --> 00:01:35,837 Now we just merge quietly into the crowd and then leg it. 31 00:01:36,647 --> 00:01:38,922 (RUNAWAY PLAYING) 32 00:01:48,727 --> 00:01:51,639 That was Runaway and this is Ready-Eddie 33 00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:55,686 standing in for Campbell Bain, who's run away. 34 00:01:55,767 --> 00:02:00,204 So, if you're out there and Campbell Bain is sitting next to you, 35 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:04,644 smoking a fag and having a wee blether with your invisible voices, 36 00:02:04,727 --> 00:02:06,320 tell him to... 37 00:02:06,407 --> 00:02:08,523 (BABY COME BACK PLAYING) 38 00:02:08,607 --> 00:02:10,359 Is it seven already? 39 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:14,760 It's quarter past. Where the hell have you been? 40 00:02:14,847 --> 00:02:18,317 Rosalie and I got an afternoon pass. We staged a publicity stunt. 41 00:02:18,407 --> 00:02:20,876 A road show, right in the middle of Argyle Street 42 00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:22,719 and the police even came to break it up. 43 00:02:22,807 --> 00:02:25,799 Are you going to tell me that is not front page news? 44 00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:28,925 -What papers did you invite? -Invite? 45 00:02:29,007 --> 00:02:31,362 You mean, we have to invite them? 46 00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:33,920 Well, does that not 47 00:02:34,247 --> 00:02:35,680 slightly... 48 00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:37,564 cheapen it? 49 00:02:37,647 --> 00:02:40,719 Campbell, this station is falling apart. 50 00:02:42,447 --> 00:02:45,280 If something doesnae happen soon, we'll not have a station to publicise. 51 00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:46,687 (STATIC FEEDBACK) 52 00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:51,642 In the past 15 minutes, yet another channel and a mixer has blown. 53 00:02:52,727 --> 00:02:54,957 If I don't get any good news from Evelyn tomorrow about a new mixer, 54 00:02:55,047 --> 00:02:57,607 we may have to stop broadcasting altogether. 55 00:02:57,687 --> 00:03:01,919 You want to go professional? Rule one, turn up for your show. 56 00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:04,800 Sorry, Eddie. 57 00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:12,477 How did you not realise that channel was gonnae blow? 58 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,878 -How was it not checked? -Sorry, Eddie. 59 00:03:17,207 --> 00:03:20,199 And what about you? You're the Station Manager. 60 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:23,245 It's your job to make sure the show goes out. 61 00:03:23,327 --> 00:03:24,760 Sorry, Eddie. 62 00:03:30,487 --> 00:03:36,164 Anyway. The record is almost finished. I've got to go to work. 63 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:39,442 Let's just try to see a wee bit of discipline 64 00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:41,802 and professionalism around here, huh? 65 00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:43,241 No problem. 66 00:03:44,127 --> 00:03:46,277 -Right. -Quiet. We are going on air now. 67 00:03:46,807 --> 00:03:49,446 # Hospital radio, St Jude's # 68 00:03:49,527 --> 00:03:53,281 That was Baby Come Back, coming at you from 1968. 69 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,517 -Quiet! -Rosalie! 70 00:03:58,687 --> 00:04:00,120 Oh, it's you. 71 00:04:05,407 --> 00:04:08,877 -You're early. -Aye. I went to see the doc. 72 00:04:08,967 --> 00:04:10,924 You going loony as well, then? 73 00:04:11,007 --> 00:04:12,964 I went to see him about you. 74 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,444 You shouldn't smoke, Jim, I keep telling you. 75 00:04:15,527 --> 00:04:17,836 -So? -So you should stop. 76 00:04:19,247 --> 00:04:21,807 Anyway, I have some good news. 77 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,923 I'm sure we'd all like to hear some good news. 78 00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:27,158 -I'm ready to go home now. -Oh, you are, eh? 79 00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:29,238 I made some lists. 80 00:04:29,327 --> 00:04:31,079 First, kitchen. 81 00:04:31,167 --> 00:04:33,397 Wash dishes, clean sinks. 82 00:04:33,487 --> 00:04:36,479 Put stuff down drain, wash pipes under sink, 83 00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:38,046 clean cupboard under sink. 84 00:04:38,127 --> 00:04:40,641 -This is my sink list, see... -Jesus Christ! 85 00:04:40,727 --> 00:04:42,923 This is you ready to come home? 86 00:04:43,007 --> 00:04:45,316 Look at you. You're off your head. 87 00:04:46,607 --> 00:04:49,121 Look at the clothes you've got on. 88 00:04:49,207 --> 00:04:52,324 You've got three sets of clothes you've been wearing for 12 years. 89 00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:54,079 I've got to be careful about clothes. 90 00:04:54,167 --> 00:04:56,522 What do you reckon folk think when they see the state of you? 91 00:04:56,607 --> 00:04:58,598 I don't care what folk think. 92 00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:02,842 Here. Present. 93 00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:07,203 Ma picked 'em out for you. Your size, just your colour. 94 00:05:11,647 --> 00:05:15,322 I can't wear these. There might be chemicals, germs. 95 00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:19,082 There's nae chemicals. There's nae germs. 96 00:05:19,167 --> 00:05:22,523 There's only something wrong in your heid, hen. 97 00:05:22,607 --> 00:05:24,962 -I won't wear them. -Listen. 98 00:05:25,047 --> 00:05:28,198 I've had 12 years of your lists and your cleaning binges. 99 00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:30,676 You're coming in here and not getting any better. 100 00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:32,280 Twelve years when I got to my work, 101 00:05:32,367 --> 00:05:35,837 I take the biro out of my pocket, it smells of bloody Dettol. 102 00:05:35,927 --> 00:05:38,566 You never know who's been using your pen before you. 103 00:05:38,647 --> 00:05:41,366 I've been using my pen afore me. 104 00:05:43,047 --> 00:05:44,879 I've bought you these nice clothes 105 00:05:44,967 --> 00:05:47,527 and I want to see you wearing them the next time I come. 106 00:05:47,607 --> 00:05:49,518 'Cause all this is gonnae stop. 107 00:05:49,607 --> 00:05:52,360 And you're not coming home next time till your right in your head. 108 00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:53,801 Understand? 109 00:05:57,287 --> 00:05:59,801 You haven't given me my pocket money, Jim. 110 00:06:00,607 --> 00:06:05,397 What? So's you can spend it on your disinfectants and your sprays? 111 00:06:05,487 --> 00:06:09,003 -Nae chance. -How would you want me to be? 112 00:06:14,927 --> 00:06:19,319 -Like you were afore. -How can I? 113 00:06:21,487 --> 00:06:23,717 You'll look nice in them clothes. 114 00:06:25,767 --> 00:06:28,202 You'll thank me for this one day. 115 00:06:35,087 --> 00:06:37,920 (YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE PLAYING) 116 00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:18,641 Oh, hello! Well... 117 00:07:20,087 --> 00:07:26,481 Good evening, salesmen and salesladies of the month. 118 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:33,879 Will somebody stop that bloody row, for God's sake. 119 00:07:37,927 --> 00:07:40,999 Just pull the plug, you morons. 120 00:07:41,767 --> 00:07:42,757 (MUSIC STOPS) 121 00:07:44,487 --> 00:07:45,886 (ALL CHUCKLING) 122 00:07:48,727 --> 00:07:52,117 I just wanted to draw attention 123 00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:56,360 to one of our greatest sales success stories. 124 00:07:56,927 --> 00:08:01,239 I'm speaking to you about a lad who came into my office 125 00:08:01,327 --> 00:08:07,357 only two short months ago and asked for a chance to sell windows. 126 00:08:07,807 --> 00:08:09,604 He didn't have experience. 127 00:08:09,687 --> 00:08:14,238 He didn't have a bloody clue about the replacement window business. 128 00:08:14,607 --> 00:08:17,167 But do you know what he did have? 129 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,999 -Lavery. -Guts, sir? 130 00:08:19,087 --> 00:08:20,486 Don't be so daft. 131 00:08:21,087 --> 00:08:23,999 -Webster? -Determination and tenacity, sir. 132 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,125 That's two things and you were wrong both times. 133 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:30,324 -MacAteer? -Positive mental attitude, sir. 134 00:08:30,407 --> 00:08:33,923 Good lad. Did you hear that? 135 00:08:34,007 --> 00:08:38,399 From the lips of our top salesman, John MacAteer. 136 00:08:38,487 --> 00:08:41,240 He knows it. I know it. 137 00:08:41,327 --> 00:08:44,080 And this young salesman knew it. 138 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:46,886 So let's have a big welcome 139 00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:50,039 for our newest Salesman of the Month, 140 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,199 Edward McKenna. 141 00:08:53,927 --> 00:08:55,804 Come up, man. Come up. 142 00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:16,763 The District Council wants us to tender for a job 143 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:19,202 on a sheltered accommodation scheme. 144 00:09:19,287 --> 00:09:22,086 Just a taster, but if we make it onto the approved list... 145 00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:23,600 I'll get on it tomorrow morning. 146 00:09:23,687 --> 00:09:27,965 Well, actually, MacAteer, I was thinking of giving it to our rising star here. 147 00:09:28,047 --> 00:09:32,040 What about it, McKenna? Are you ready to play ball with the big boys? 148 00:09:53,887 --> 00:09:56,526 Eddie, I completely forgot. 149 00:09:56,807 --> 00:10:00,766 Just been snowed under with this Community Open Day next week. 150 00:10:01,687 --> 00:10:06,079 The administrator's very keen on these outreach initiatives. 151 00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:08,283 -Have you met Dr Winter? -Not yet. 152 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,927 It's her idea to get the radio station going again. 153 00:10:11,007 --> 00:10:13,282 She's a woman of ideas, all right. 154 00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,757 She wants to introduce group therapy into the Acute Wards. 155 00:10:16,847 --> 00:10:19,646 Most of the doctors think it's a waste of time, anyway. 156 00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:22,605 Where would we get the trained staff, even if we could afford them? 157 00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:25,326 What happened at the board meeting? 158 00:10:25,447 --> 00:10:27,165 No can do, I'm afraid. 159 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:29,204 But the mixer's down to two channels. 160 00:10:29,287 --> 00:10:32,643 I'm sorry, Eddie, but the feeling was that if the radio station 161 00:10:32,727 --> 00:10:34,399 can't be run with the existing equipment, 162 00:10:34,487 --> 00:10:37,320 -then it's a luxury we can't afford. -But... 163 00:10:38,247 --> 00:10:39,965 It means a lot to the patients. 164 00:10:40,047 --> 00:10:42,197 Well, so would group therapy, 165 00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:45,006 but, between you and me, I don't think that's going to happen, either. 166 00:10:45,087 --> 00:10:46,680 Listen, I must dash. 167 00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:49,077 Lady Chalmers is going to be guest of honour at the Open Day 168 00:10:49,167 --> 00:10:53,286 and I've got to meet with the Friends of St Jude's to make the arrangements. 169 00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,039 Which reminds me. 170 00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:59,200 Dr Winter wanted to know if you wanted to do anything for Open Day. 171 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,476 I'll ask the others. 172 00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:04,718 Tell me, are the others all still patients? 173 00:11:04,807 --> 00:11:08,482 -Aye. -Just wondered. 174 00:11:18,967 --> 00:11:20,924 How bad is it? 175 00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,403 We're getting nothing. 176 00:11:23,487 --> 00:11:26,365 They're afraid we may be a luxury they cannae afford. 177 00:11:26,447 --> 00:11:30,645 But they do want to know if we want to do something for the Open Day next week. 178 00:11:30,727 --> 00:11:32,843 -What do you think? -They can't do this. 179 00:11:32,927 --> 00:11:34,156 How long can we keep going? 180 00:11:34,247 --> 00:11:36,557 -Few months, or... -Few days. 181 00:11:36,647 --> 00:11:39,286 They are nipping my brilliant career in the bud. 182 00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:41,438 They want rid of you, you know. 183 00:11:43,247 --> 00:11:45,158 Oh, aye? 184 00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:47,522 That's how they do things in here. 185 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,086 They never say, "You cannae do that", 186 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,556 or, "You cannae have that", but you cannae. 187 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:53,680 If you want to put a poster up by your bed, 188 00:11:53,767 --> 00:11:55,724 they'll tell you there's no Blu-Tack. 189 00:11:55,807 --> 00:11:59,197 If you find some Blu-Tack, they'll tell you it'll damage the paint. 190 00:11:59,287 --> 00:12:02,837 If you get some paint, they'll tell you the colour doesnae match. 191 00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:07,285 They never actually stop you, but, somehow you just stop. 192 00:12:08,807 --> 00:12:10,843 CAMPBELL: Well, not this time. 193 00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:15,643 Eddie, you tell them that, yes, we do want to do something for the Open Day. 194 00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:18,924 We are going to run a fundraiser to buy a new mixing desk. 195 00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:20,361 How? 196 00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:23,963 I see a Hospital Radio Road Show on a flatbed lorry. 197 00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,640 I see music and dancing. 198 00:12:25,727 --> 00:12:28,037 -I see reporters. -I see no money, Campbell. 199 00:12:28,127 --> 00:12:31,358 Well, we'll charge to play requests and dedications. 200 00:12:31,447 --> 00:12:35,600 And then, we will pull off one absolutely brilliant publicity stunt 201 00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:39,726 that will blaze its colours across every newspaper in Scotland. 202 00:12:39,807 --> 00:12:42,924 -Such as? -I don't know. 203 00:12:43,007 --> 00:12:44,679 I could go up on the roof of the hospital 204 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,725 and threaten to jump unless the punters give us enough to buy a new mixer. 205 00:12:47,807 --> 00:12:50,560 -Aye, but they might want you to jump. -Well, I'll threaten not to jump 206 00:12:50,647 --> 00:12:53,207 unless the punters give us enough to buy a new mixer. 207 00:12:53,287 --> 00:12:57,076 Campbell, they are not going to let you threaten to jump off the hospital roof 208 00:12:57,167 --> 00:13:00,364 for their Mental Health Week Open Day. 209 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,483 That was only my first idea. 210 00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:06,162 Come on, Fergus, Rosalie. We got to mobilise the troops. 211 00:13:06,287 --> 00:13:08,358 Hospital radio must survive. 212 00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:13,318 Rosalie, what are you doing? 213 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:16,246 -Just writing a list. -Come on. 214 00:13:27,887 --> 00:13:30,003 I want to train as a DJ. 215 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,683 Rosalie Garrity. 216 00:13:45,807 --> 00:13:47,559 My name is Dr Cairns. 217 00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:50,837 I'm sorry. Please come in. 218 00:14:02,687 --> 00:14:03,677 (CLEARS THROAT) 219 00:14:04,727 --> 00:14:06,525 Well, now, Mrs Garrity. 220 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:08,919 You've been with us, what, 221 00:14:09,007 --> 00:14:11,317 -six weeks now. -That's right. 222 00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:14,841 Tell me, 223 00:14:14,927 --> 00:14:17,566 -do you know why you're here? -I do. 224 00:14:18,887 --> 00:14:20,525 Why are you here? 225 00:14:21,287 --> 00:14:24,564 -I thought you were the doctor. -I am the doctor. 226 00:14:25,087 --> 00:14:27,965 Then, how do you not know why I'm here? 227 00:14:30,567 --> 00:14:32,603 Mrs Garrity, I'll be frank with you. 228 00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:37,321 In my clinical opinion, there is no longer any reason to keep you here. 229 00:14:37,407 --> 00:14:41,366 -Well, I'll be away, then. -No, no, no. Please. Sit down. 230 00:14:44,887 --> 00:14:47,037 Now, as I'm sure you're aware, your husband 231 00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:51,917 is not prepared for you to go home again without certain guarantees. 232 00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:59,444 How would you feel about having your medication 233 00:14:59,527 --> 00:15:02,599 by long-acting injection in the future? 234 00:15:07,687 --> 00:15:09,007 All right. 235 00:15:09,567 --> 00:15:12,559 Is there anybody else that you could stay with for the moment? 236 00:15:12,647 --> 00:15:14,558 A relative or a friend, maybe? 237 00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,206 Can I not just stay here? 238 00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:18,801 No, you can't, Mrs Garrity. 239 00:15:18,887 --> 00:15:22,038 What about your son? You had a son, didn't you? 240 00:15:22,127 --> 00:15:24,960 Robert or Robbie. 241 00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:27,322 Aye. I had a son. 242 00:15:37,807 --> 00:15:40,720 Well, I'll see if I can 243 00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:44,363 set up a meeting with you and Mr Garrity. 244 00:15:45,127 --> 00:15:48,643 We'll try and work something out, shall we? 245 00:15:56,167 --> 00:15:57,396 Fellow inmates. 246 00:15:57,487 --> 00:15:59,444 I suppose you're all wondering why I've asked you here today. 247 00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:01,359 Just get on with your bid. 248 00:16:01,447 --> 00:16:04,280 Well, remember what life here was like before hospital radio. 249 00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:07,837 -Aye. A lot quieter. -You're right, Hector. 250 00:16:07,927 --> 00:16:11,283 Hospital radio has brought us music. Laughter. 251 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:13,563 Got us dancing in the corridors. 252 00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:15,365 Before that, the most excitement we got here 253 00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:17,358 was listening to you fart God Save the Queen 254 00:16:17,447 --> 00:16:20,405 or waiting for Myra, the catatonic, to blink. 255 00:16:20,807 --> 00:16:23,560 Is that where you want to go back to? 256 00:16:23,647 --> 00:16:26,207 -Is it? -No. 257 00:16:26,487 --> 00:16:27,681 Well... 258 00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:30,199 Unless we can raise the dosh to buy a new mixer, 259 00:16:30,287 --> 00:16:31,720 that's all there's going to be around here. 260 00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:33,445 What's a mixer? 261 00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:35,842 -Shh! -But with your help 262 00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:39,363 we are going to be holding a fundraiser at the Open Day. 263 00:16:39,447 --> 00:16:42,121 We are going to be staging a Hospital Radio Road Show 264 00:16:42,207 --> 00:16:45,085 through a five kilowatt PA on a flatbed lorry in the courtyard. 265 00:16:45,167 --> 00:16:48,523 And we're gonna need volunteers to help set up and run the show, 266 00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:50,643 to help rattle tins, but most of all, 267 00:16:50,727 --> 00:16:53,799 to help with the main fundraising event of the day, 268 00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:57,323 -the Loony Pools. -The Loony Pools? 269 00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:58,601 We're going to be handing out coupons 270 00:16:58,687 --> 00:17:00,280 like this one with details of the contestants, 271 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,926 half loonies, half boring folk, 272 00:17:02,007 --> 00:17:05,124 who will be assigned numbers, one to 24 by lottery. 273 00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:08,085 Two Loonies in a pair is a score draw of three points, but, 274 00:17:08,207 --> 00:17:10,084 if only the odd-numbered contestant is a loony, 275 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:11,680 then it's a home win, one point. 276 00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,599 If only the even numbered contestant is a loony, 277 00:17:13,687 --> 00:17:15,246 then it's an away win, one and a half points. 278 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,841 If neither of them are loonies, it's a no score draw of two points. 279 00:17:17,927 --> 00:17:19,599 A pound a line, best of eight, high score wins 280 00:17:19,687 --> 00:17:21,962 five dividends of cheap prizes. 281 00:17:23,087 --> 00:17:24,725 What? 282 00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:26,962 Basically, Spot the Loony. 283 00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:30,079 Now, volunteers. 284 00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,397 -Aye. I'll volunteer. -Me as well. 285 00:17:32,487 --> 00:17:35,559 That's the spirit. Because we are going to show them. 286 00:17:35,647 --> 00:17:38,400 We are loonies and we are proud. Say it. 287 00:17:38,487 --> 00:17:41,479 ALL: We are loonies and we are proud. 288 00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:44,366 We are loonies and we are proud. 289 00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:46,882 -Now. Any questions? -Aye. 290 00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:48,719 Can I go to the toilet? 291 00:17:48,887 --> 00:17:51,322 Away you go. Any other questions? 292 00:17:51,407 --> 00:17:53,967 Where is this flatbed lorry coming from? 293 00:17:54,447 --> 00:17:57,200 That's a detail we haven't worked out yet. But we're working on it. 294 00:17:57,287 --> 00:18:00,438 So, who's bringing this massive PA, then? 295 00:18:00,527 --> 00:18:03,087 Well, that's another detail we've not sorted out yet. 296 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:06,079 What exactly have you sorted out so far? 297 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:10,282 Well, Sandy in the kitchen's been saving us some tins to rattle. 298 00:18:14,007 --> 00:18:16,601 Oh, come on. Have some faith. 299 00:18:17,207 --> 00:18:20,722 I thought everybody liked my God Save the Queen. 300 00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:32,362 We can still rattle tins, eh? 301 00:18:37,967 --> 00:18:40,003 (THE PARTY'S OVER PLAYING) 302 00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:44,881 Hello. 303 00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:50,443 I've come for my DJ lesson. 304 00:18:50,527 --> 00:18:52,563 Aye. Come in. Have a seat. 305 00:18:59,167 --> 00:19:01,476 My mother used to say if you drink spirits in the afternoon, 306 00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:03,000 you're an alcoholic. 307 00:19:03,087 --> 00:19:06,443 But then, she thought if you drink anything including shandy any time 308 00:19:06,527 --> 00:19:09,678 including weddings and funerals, you were an alcoholic. 309 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,478 Don't. 310 00:19:16,007 --> 00:19:17,759 Use an ashtray, huh? 311 00:19:27,687 --> 00:19:30,964 Are you going to have to shut the station down now? 312 00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:32,716 Not yet. 313 00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:38,962 What will you do if you have to shut down? 314 00:19:39,607 --> 00:19:41,006 Don't know. 315 00:19:41,767 --> 00:19:44,236 Spend some more time with my family. 316 00:19:44,327 --> 00:19:46,318 You haven't got family. 317 00:19:46,887 --> 00:19:48,958 Throw myself into my work. 318 00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:52,356 What do you do, anyway? 319 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:55,517 I'm a double glazing salesman. 320 00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:58,118 You cannae be a double glazing salesman, Eddie. 321 00:19:58,207 --> 00:20:00,437 You've not got a killer mentality. 322 00:20:01,847 --> 00:20:03,963 I'll have you know I was salesman of the month last month. 323 00:20:04,047 --> 00:20:07,324 Jesus! What were the other salesmen like? 324 00:20:10,407 --> 00:20:12,204 Well, do you like it? 325 00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,885 What do you think? 326 00:20:22,247 --> 00:20:24,761 -Are all those yours? -Oh, aye. 327 00:20:25,327 --> 00:20:27,682 That's just a wee slice of the whole collection. 328 00:20:27,767 --> 00:20:30,361 Mostly original recordings. 329 00:20:30,447 --> 00:20:32,040 First single I bought was 330 00:20:32,127 --> 00:20:34,596 Night Has a Thousand Eyes by Bobby Vee when I was about 11. 331 00:20:34,687 --> 00:20:36,996 It cost me two weeks' pocket money. 332 00:20:37,087 --> 00:20:40,079 Must have nearly 1200 records by now. 333 00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:45,402 Elvis Presley. The Beatles. 334 00:20:45,487 --> 00:20:48,798 Aretha Franklin. Otis Redding. 335 00:20:51,407 --> 00:20:54,445 Nothing since then has touched this music, you know. 336 00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,356 -Aye. -And it all came back into fashion, 337 00:20:57,447 --> 00:20:59,597 just like I knew it would. 338 00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:03,559 I used to send demos, you know, to radio stations. 339 00:21:04,167 --> 00:21:07,478 Suddenly, about six years ago, when it all started coming back in, 340 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:10,161 I got a call from this guy at Radio Clyde 341 00:21:10,247 --> 00:21:13,683 who said he was really interested in what I was doing. 342 00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:16,884 I thought, "This is it. 343 00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:21,164 "This is the break I've been waiting for all my life." 344 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:24,683 -And? -And the guy got another job. 345 00:21:25,607 --> 00:21:28,076 He moved down to London or something. 346 00:21:29,847 --> 00:21:32,316 Tried to phone the guy who took his place, but 347 00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,798 he was in a meeting. 348 00:21:36,567 --> 00:21:38,000 Well, did you not phone back? 349 00:21:38,087 --> 00:21:42,365 Aye. But the meeting apparently went on for about six months. 350 00:21:50,487 --> 00:21:53,047 How do you drink that much, Eddie? 351 00:21:53,767 --> 00:21:54,916 Do I? 352 00:21:57,927 --> 00:21:59,247 To forget. 353 00:22:01,167 --> 00:22:02,680 To forget what? 354 00:22:03,967 --> 00:22:05,287 I forget. 355 00:22:08,847 --> 00:22:11,998 How do you keep burning yourself with cigarettes? 356 00:22:15,687 --> 00:22:18,599 I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before. 357 00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:25,156 Some things can only be burned out. 358 00:22:30,407 --> 00:22:32,967 We're going to have to do something about McTavish, Eddie. 359 00:22:33,607 --> 00:22:35,325 -Who? -The cat. 360 00:22:35,407 --> 00:22:38,126 He's getting that fat. If he tucks his legs in, he could be a football. 361 00:22:38,207 --> 00:22:40,516 It's nae good for McTavish to be that fat, you know. 362 00:22:40,607 --> 00:22:41,881 Francine. 363 00:22:42,927 --> 00:22:45,805 You must know that McTavish, 364 00:22:46,287 --> 00:22:47,846 -she's pregnant. -Don't say that. 365 00:22:47,927 --> 00:22:49,520 I'm not going to stay here if you say that. 366 00:22:49,607 --> 00:22:51,678 I'm not going to stay here. 367 00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:57,204 Then I won't say it. 368 00:22:58,527 --> 00:22:59,642 Good. 369 00:23:02,367 --> 00:23:05,757 Well, which button do I press first? 370 00:23:15,807 --> 00:23:19,846 -Rosalie, what are you doing? -Just making a list. 371 00:23:19,927 --> 00:23:22,965 It's after midnight. You should be in your bed. 372 00:23:24,727 --> 00:23:28,516 I was just going. And don't touch that. It's mine. 373 00:23:34,007 --> 00:23:35,281 Campbell. 374 00:23:39,367 --> 00:23:40,800 Are you awake? 375 00:23:46,127 --> 00:23:47,720 Jesus! 376 00:23:49,567 --> 00:23:53,765 -What'd you do that for? -I wanted to know if you was awake. 377 00:23:54,407 --> 00:23:56,045 Well, I am now. 378 00:23:59,327 --> 00:24:00,920 What do you want? 379 00:24:01,007 --> 00:24:03,646 I've been making some lists, Campbell. 380 00:24:04,327 --> 00:24:06,887 You're always making lists. 381 00:24:09,967 --> 00:24:12,038 But these ones are for you. 382 00:24:15,447 --> 00:24:18,837 Road haulage companies in the Greater Glasgow area. 383 00:24:19,927 --> 00:24:23,238 All right, well, thanks, Rosalie. I'm sure I'll find this very useful. 384 00:24:23,327 --> 00:24:26,365 'Cause they are bound to have flatbed lorries in their fleet. 385 00:24:26,447 --> 00:24:28,916 Someone'll loan you one, I reckon, it is for charity. 386 00:24:29,007 --> 00:24:31,362 And that's a list of PA hire and sales companies. 387 00:24:31,447 --> 00:24:32,801 Could have some luck there. 388 00:24:32,887 --> 00:24:35,401 And this is a list of local merchants who might donate prizes 389 00:24:35,487 --> 00:24:36,761 for your loony pools. 390 00:24:36,847 --> 00:24:38,963 You can recruit most of your non-loonies from the staff, 391 00:24:39,047 --> 00:24:41,197 but you'll have to be dead careful, 'cause some of the staff 392 00:24:41,287 --> 00:24:43,801 aren't exactly certified non-loonies. 393 00:24:43,887 --> 00:24:47,164 This is a list of staff bulletin boards in the hospital. 394 00:24:47,247 --> 00:24:49,079 It can be done. You've cracked it, Rosalie. 395 00:24:49,167 --> 00:24:50,839 Wait. Oh, sorry. 396 00:24:51,607 --> 00:24:54,599 Listen. You couldn't do something for me, could you? 397 00:24:54,687 --> 00:24:56,564 Aye, anything. 398 00:24:56,647 --> 00:24:59,844 You couldn't just put this in your locker and then forget about it. 399 00:24:59,927 --> 00:25:02,805 -What's in it? -It's some new clothes Jim brought me. 400 00:25:02,887 --> 00:25:04,559 Why do you want to put that in my locker? 401 00:25:04,647 --> 00:25:07,958 So I could pretend I lost them, then I wouldn't have to wear them. 402 00:25:08,807 --> 00:25:10,957 You don't want to wear them, don't wear them. 403 00:25:11,047 --> 00:25:12,958 Jim says I can't go home unless I wear them. 404 00:25:13,047 --> 00:25:15,436 And they want to give me drugs so I can't keep me head straight 405 00:25:15,527 --> 00:25:18,041 to defend myself from the germs. I'm down to my last bottle of Dettol. 406 00:25:18,127 --> 00:25:20,323 But Jim won't let me buy any more. And the doctor says... 407 00:25:20,407 --> 00:25:23,445 Now don't let them push you around, Rosalie. Stand up to them. 408 00:25:23,527 --> 00:25:25,916 -How? -You just say... 409 00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:29,477 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take any more of this crapola. 410 00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,763 -I couldn't do that. -Why not? 411 00:25:31,847 --> 00:25:33,041 I'm not American. 412 00:25:33,127 --> 00:25:35,766 Aye, but it sounds brilliant when they say it in the films. 413 00:25:35,847 --> 00:25:39,078 (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not gonna take any more of this crapola. 414 00:25:39,807 --> 00:25:42,526 (IN HER NORMAL VOICE) I'm not going to take any more of this crapola. 415 00:25:43,367 --> 00:25:46,006 You're gonna have to work on the accent. 416 00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:50,365 (IN LABOURED AMERICAN ACCENT) I'm not going to take any more of this crapola. 417 00:25:52,967 --> 00:25:55,242 That's the spirit. 418 00:25:57,687 --> 00:25:59,917 What am I gonna do with these clothes? 419 00:26:00,007 --> 00:26:02,442 -Chuck them. Burn them. -I couldn't do that, Robbie. 420 00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:06,122 Give 'em to Mad John the pyromaniac. He'll take care of them. 421 00:26:06,207 --> 00:26:08,721 Did you just call me Robbie? 422 00:26:08,807 --> 00:26:11,719 Maybe I'll just put them under my mattress. 423 00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:24,922 (IN LITHUANIAN ACCENT) Where you go? 424 00:26:25,007 --> 00:26:26,884 I've got a sales presentation this morning. 425 00:26:26,967 --> 00:26:28,446 You don't have breakfast? 426 00:26:28,527 --> 00:26:31,758 I had some coffee. I've left some money on the table for the gas bill. 427 00:26:31,847 --> 00:26:34,441 It was Lithuanian club last night. 428 00:26:35,487 --> 00:26:39,037 I'm sorry. I had to talk to Griffin about this district council tender. 429 00:26:39,127 --> 00:26:42,165 All night I wait and you don't come, why you think I go? 430 00:26:42,247 --> 00:26:43,726 I thought you liked to speak Lithuanian. 431 00:26:43,807 --> 00:26:47,402 Speak? All night I listen to Mrs Prackhauskas speak, 432 00:26:47,487 --> 00:26:49,717 about her children, her grandchildren. 433 00:26:49,807 --> 00:26:52,401 About her visit she made to Lithuania, 434 00:26:52,487 --> 00:26:55,286 everybody these days, she says, makes visit to Lithuania. 435 00:26:55,367 --> 00:26:58,086 Mrs Prackhauskas is a snob. How do you keep talking to her? 436 00:26:58,167 --> 00:27:01,205 Because she has three granddaughters. 437 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:04,359 Very young, very pretty, no married. 438 00:27:04,447 --> 00:27:05,721 You meet them? 439 00:27:05,807 --> 00:27:08,879 -Any of them near-sighted or stupid? -No. 440 00:27:08,967 --> 00:27:11,641 Well, I think we should forget it. Look, I've got to go. 441 00:27:11,727 --> 00:27:13,445 -When you come home? -I don't know. 442 00:27:13,527 --> 00:27:14,642 I've got to go in the station today. 443 00:27:14,727 --> 00:27:16,877 -I'm training a new DJ, she's keen... -She? 444 00:27:16,967 --> 00:27:18,764 Yeah, aye... 445 00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:21,646 -Look, I'm gonna be late. -She what age? 446 00:27:21,767 --> 00:27:24,566 -I don't know, 28, 29. -Well, she married? 447 00:27:24,647 --> 00:27:28,481 -I didnae ask. Don't think so. -Oh, this is wonderful news. 448 00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:31,366 You must ask her to come tomorrow and meet me. 449 00:27:31,447 --> 00:27:33,324 -She cannae come tomorrow. -Okay, then next day. 450 00:27:33,407 --> 00:27:35,921 -She needs permission first. -Oh, she's peasant lass. 451 00:27:36,007 --> 00:27:38,203 -You ask father first. -She's a patient! 452 00:27:40,727 --> 00:27:43,401 This lassie. She's crazy one? 453 00:27:44,167 --> 00:27:45,157 Aye. 454 00:27:47,287 --> 00:27:49,562 Look, we're having Open Day Saturday, how'd you not come? 455 00:27:49,647 --> 00:27:52,480 Just go! Go! 456 00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:56,243 -I give up. -Listen. 457 00:27:56,327 --> 00:27:59,683 If I make this sale, I'll buy you one of those wee televisions you wanted. 458 00:27:59,767 --> 00:28:02,202 You can watch Blind Date in the bath. 459 00:28:02,287 --> 00:28:04,278 I don't want television. 460 00:28:04,367 --> 00:28:06,927 I want to make visit like Mrs Prackhauskas. 461 00:28:14,527 --> 00:28:16,518 (FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE PLAYING) 462 00:28:57,447 --> 00:28:59,483 Fergus! What are you doing? 463 00:28:59,567 --> 00:29:01,763 Just pledging my kidneys. 464 00:29:18,087 --> 00:29:20,078 Come on, you! 465 00:30:20,327 --> 00:30:21,806 CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Just to remind you that tomorrow, 466 00:30:21,887 --> 00:30:23,878 St Jude's Hospital Radio Road Show 467 00:30:23,967 --> 00:30:26,242 is gonna roll into Open Day. 468 00:30:26,327 --> 00:30:29,046 We need your help to raise money for a new mixer. 469 00:30:29,127 --> 00:30:32,677 Without it, hospital radio will soon sound like this. 470 00:30:32,767 --> 00:30:34,644 (SILENCE ON AIR) 471 00:30:37,047 --> 00:30:40,927 So come along and show your friends, your relations and the local community 472 00:30:41,007 --> 00:30:43,442 that we are loonies and we are proud. 473 00:30:43,527 --> 00:30:46,121 -Jesus! What's all this? -You're late. 474 00:30:46,207 --> 00:30:47,640 Sorry, I was working. 475 00:30:47,727 --> 00:30:48,921 Here's your list. 476 00:30:49,007 --> 00:30:51,476 You better get started or you'll never get through it. 477 00:30:52,247 --> 00:30:55,205 "Go to car, put key in ignition. 478 00:30:55,287 --> 00:30:59,360 -"Drive to Hot Jam PA Hire." -There's your address. 479 00:31:00,287 --> 00:31:06,124 "Collect speakers, put in car, drive back, take key from ignition." 480 00:31:06,207 --> 00:31:08,721 Rosalie is nothing if not thorough. 481 00:31:08,807 --> 00:31:11,481 -Francine, isn't that banner ready yet? -Just finished. 482 00:31:11,567 --> 00:31:13,399 And then I have to help Fergus cord the leads. 483 00:31:13,487 --> 00:31:16,081 -Just give me a minute. -A minute? 484 00:31:16,887 --> 00:31:19,720 You're only halfway down your list and it's nearly 8:00. 485 00:31:19,807 --> 00:31:22,879 And you. Don't just stand there like a dead sheep. Go to your car. 486 00:31:22,967 --> 00:31:24,526 And what are you doing? 487 00:31:24,607 --> 00:31:27,485 -I'm in the middle of my show. -Okay, but hurry up. 488 00:31:27,567 --> 00:31:30,718 -Rosalie. -Can you not see I am busy? 489 00:31:30,807 --> 00:31:32,923 Your husband's just arrived. Dr Cairns can see you now. 490 00:31:33,007 --> 00:31:35,567 I'll be there in a minute. I can't stop long. 491 00:31:38,127 --> 00:31:40,277 What was that? 492 00:31:40,367 --> 00:31:43,484 Power corrupts, but absolute power corrupts every loony. 493 00:31:43,567 --> 00:31:46,002 -Did she organise all this? -Aye. 494 00:31:46,087 --> 00:31:48,396 By tomorrow night, this hospital is nae gonna know what hit it. 495 00:31:48,487 --> 00:31:50,125 And by Monday morning, 496 00:31:50,207 --> 00:31:53,757 the Loony Pools is gonna be all over every newspaper in Glasgow, 497 00:31:53,847 --> 00:31:56,964 paving the way to our career in professional radio. 498 00:31:57,047 --> 00:31:59,641 Fergus faxed the press releases this morning. 499 00:31:59,727 --> 00:32:01,843 Aye, well, just don't be too disappointed 500 00:32:01,927 --> 00:32:03,724 if the press don't show up. Okay? 501 00:32:03,807 --> 00:32:05,445 What do you mean? 502 00:32:06,447 --> 00:32:08,324 It's just that there's nothing all that newsworthy 503 00:32:08,407 --> 00:32:11,479 about a bunch of loonies staging a stunt at an Open Day. 504 00:32:12,167 --> 00:32:13,487 But it's Mental Health Week. 505 00:32:13,567 --> 00:32:15,683 Well, I gave up smoking on National No Smoking Day, 506 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,439 but they didn't put my name in the paper. 507 00:32:28,327 --> 00:32:30,966 I better get these speakers. 508 00:32:32,807 --> 00:32:35,003 Listen, Campbell. 509 00:32:35,087 --> 00:32:37,840 If we just raise enough money to buy a cheap nasty second-hand mixer 510 00:32:37,927 --> 00:32:40,601 to keep the station going, that will be enough for me. 511 00:32:40,687 --> 00:32:44,601 Yeah, well, that's your trouble, Eddie. You aim low every time. 512 00:32:47,407 --> 00:32:49,318 Yeah, but I reach my goals. 513 00:33:02,327 --> 00:33:03,806 JIM: She's no ready. 514 00:33:04,167 --> 00:33:05,680 You don't know what it's like living with her. 515 00:33:05,767 --> 00:33:08,486 Your wife is suffering from a compulsive illness, Mr Garrity, 516 00:33:08,567 --> 00:33:10,797 and if she forgets to take her medication while she's at home... 517 00:33:10,887 --> 00:33:13,561 Forget! Aye. 518 00:33:13,647 --> 00:33:16,719 She often forgets not to throw it in the lavvy at the first opportunity. 519 00:33:16,807 --> 00:33:18,479 I think the simple solution 520 00:33:18,567 --> 00:33:21,844 is for your wife to have her medication by long-acting injection, 521 00:33:21,927 --> 00:33:25,363 so she wouldn't have to remember to take tablets. 522 00:33:25,447 --> 00:33:27,677 What does she think about that? 523 00:33:27,767 --> 00:33:29,166 Mrs Garrity. 524 00:33:30,047 --> 00:33:32,277 I think he should give me my pocket money. 525 00:33:32,367 --> 00:33:33,687 I'm nearly out of Dettol... 526 00:33:33,767 --> 00:33:35,997 See that? And we were trying to have a rational conversation here 527 00:33:36,087 --> 00:33:39,238 and she's just landed a spaceship on planet Dettol. 528 00:33:39,327 --> 00:33:41,284 She's completely out of control 529 00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,039 and you're trying to dump your problem on me. 530 00:33:43,127 --> 00:33:45,482 What I'm trying to do is find a solution. 531 00:33:45,567 --> 00:33:47,842 If I've told 'em once, I've told 'em a hundred times, 532 00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:50,202 the solution is stronger drugs. 533 00:33:51,327 --> 00:33:54,524 Four year ago, when Dr Paterson was in charge, 534 00:33:54,607 --> 00:33:57,406 they gave her stronger drugs and she was just fine. 535 00:33:57,487 --> 00:34:01,162 Just fine until some bright spark got the idea she'd be okay on a lower dose. 536 00:34:01,247 --> 00:34:02,362 Well, she's not. 537 00:34:02,447 --> 00:34:04,438 You can't stop me coming home to my own house. 538 00:34:04,527 --> 00:34:07,838 I'll change the locks. I'll screw the windows shut. 539 00:34:07,927 --> 00:34:09,838 'Cause you're not coming home until you're under control. 540 00:34:09,927 --> 00:34:11,998 Mr Garrity, I know you're upset. 541 00:34:12,087 --> 00:34:13,680 But if you refuse to have your wife home, 542 00:34:13,767 --> 00:34:16,281 I can't keep her here more than a few weeks. 543 00:34:16,367 --> 00:34:19,086 After that, until we could find her a place in supported accommodation, 544 00:34:19,167 --> 00:34:21,363 and there's a three- to four-month waiting list. 545 00:34:21,447 --> 00:34:23,563 She could end up in bed and breakfast accommodation, 546 00:34:23,647 --> 00:34:26,764 sharing kitchen and bathroom facilities with other disturbed people 547 00:34:26,847 --> 00:34:29,043 who may not mind so much if the toilet isn't flushed 548 00:34:29,127 --> 00:34:31,687 or their feet tend to stick to the kitchen floor. 549 00:34:31,767 --> 00:34:34,327 This could have a catastrophic effect on your wife's condition. 550 00:34:34,407 --> 00:34:36,239 Is that what you want? 551 00:34:38,687 --> 00:34:42,680 I cannae cope any more. I just cannae. 552 00:34:44,807 --> 00:34:46,525 And what you're saying is that, 553 00:34:46,607 --> 00:34:49,440 were we to increase your wife's medication, 554 00:34:49,527 --> 00:34:53,646 -you'd feel better able to cope at home? -Aye. 555 00:34:53,727 --> 00:34:56,605 If you guarantee she'd take it. 556 00:34:56,687 --> 00:34:58,359 How would you feel about that? 557 00:35:04,527 --> 00:35:06,199 All right, then. 558 00:35:07,687 --> 00:35:09,723 Okay. 559 00:35:09,807 --> 00:35:12,367 We'll try a new dosage by injection, 560 00:35:12,447 --> 00:35:15,519 and we'll see where we are in a week's time, shall we? 561 00:35:15,607 --> 00:35:17,643 -Thank you, Doctor. -Yeah. 562 00:35:17,727 --> 00:35:21,402 -I wore the dress, Jim. -Aye. Very nice. 563 00:35:24,807 --> 00:35:26,445 You don't have to do this if you don't want to. 564 00:35:26,527 --> 00:35:28,199 You're a voluntary patient. 565 00:35:28,287 --> 00:35:31,040 No, I want to do it. 566 00:35:31,167 --> 00:35:34,045 You couldn't just wait till Monday to give me this injection, though, 567 00:35:34,127 --> 00:35:36,163 -I've a lot of things to do. -Of course. 568 00:35:44,207 --> 00:35:46,164 I've got to, Fergus. 569 00:35:46,247 --> 00:35:48,443 The day's entertainment is reaching its climax. 570 00:35:48,527 --> 00:35:50,598 The last two contestants mount the stage. 571 00:35:50,687 --> 00:35:53,201 The audience mark their coupons, they hand them in, when suddenly, 572 00:35:53,287 --> 00:35:56,677 a swarm of photographers surge forward because it turns out 573 00:35:56,807 --> 00:35:59,196 that one of the contestants was none other than 574 00:35:59,287 --> 00:36:01,278 Spike Milligan. 575 00:36:01,367 --> 00:36:03,802 The greatest manic-depressive of our time. 576 00:36:03,887 --> 00:36:05,036 Spike Milligan? 577 00:36:05,127 --> 00:36:07,801 Seven out of ten folk will probably think he's a patient. 578 00:36:07,887 --> 00:36:10,356 What a news story, eh? What a scoop! 579 00:36:10,447 --> 00:36:12,358 There's only two things wrong with that, Campbell. 580 00:36:12,447 --> 00:36:14,165 First, how are you gonna get Spike Milligan 581 00:36:14,247 --> 00:36:16,204 to appear in your Loony Pools for tomorrow afternoon? 582 00:36:16,287 --> 00:36:18,039 Well, a pal of mine's girlfriend's sister 583 00:36:18,127 --> 00:36:19,959 went to university with his grandson. 584 00:36:20,047 --> 00:36:22,959 Second, everybody knows what he looks like. 585 00:36:23,047 --> 00:36:26,562 Good point. We need to disguise him. 586 00:36:26,647 --> 00:36:28,319 What are you doing, wearing that horrible dress? 587 00:36:28,407 --> 00:36:30,364 -What's going on? -These are the speakers you sent for. 588 00:36:30,447 --> 00:36:33,519 You can't bring these in here yet. I haven't cleaned them. 589 00:36:33,607 --> 00:36:36,121 -Take them out. -We're going, we're going. 590 00:36:38,687 --> 00:36:40,166 It's gone. 591 00:36:42,007 --> 00:36:45,443 -I'll get a mop. -That was my last bottle. 592 00:36:45,527 --> 00:36:47,757 -It's okay, it's okay. -What am I gonna do? 593 00:36:47,847 --> 00:36:49,246 There's germs, there's germs... 594 00:36:49,327 --> 00:36:51,716 Eddie's gonna get you some more from the late-night shop. 595 00:36:51,807 --> 00:36:53,400 -Where's the late-night shop? -Fergus'll show you. 596 00:36:53,487 --> 00:36:55,319 I've escaped twice today already. 597 00:36:55,407 --> 00:36:58,365 Germs kill. And they're everywhere. 598 00:36:58,447 --> 00:37:00,643 Look, do you want them to come and sedate her? Go! 599 00:37:03,287 --> 00:37:06,802 Germs kill. Do you not understand? 600 00:37:06,887 --> 00:37:08,844 Germs kill. 601 00:37:10,527 --> 00:37:12,836 Robbie got sick. 602 00:37:12,927 --> 00:37:15,123 Jim said I wasn't washing the lettuce properly, 603 00:37:15,207 --> 00:37:18,199 so I washed it and washed it. 604 00:37:18,287 --> 00:37:21,438 But he was still sick. Jim said it was 'cause the floors was dirty, 605 00:37:21,527 --> 00:37:25,520 so I washed them and washed them. But Robbie stayed sick. 606 00:37:25,607 --> 00:37:30,283 Jim said it was the drains, the toilet, the sinks. 607 00:37:31,367 --> 00:37:33,403 The dirty washing. 608 00:37:33,487 --> 00:37:35,478 The cutting board, the kitchen knives. 609 00:37:35,567 --> 00:37:39,606 I made lists of all the places the germs could be. I washed everything. 610 00:37:42,047 --> 00:37:44,277 But Robbie stayed sick 611 00:37:45,367 --> 00:37:47,085 until he died. 612 00:37:48,687 --> 00:37:52,646 I never managed to kill all those germs. 613 00:37:55,887 --> 00:37:58,162 What did he die of? 614 00:38:00,327 --> 00:38:02,284 Leukaemia. 615 00:38:03,727 --> 00:38:06,241 Oh, Rosalie... 616 00:38:10,167 --> 00:38:15,002 Jim worshipped that lad. He hasn't been the same since. 617 00:38:23,847 --> 00:38:25,679 Oh, well, well, McKenna. 618 00:38:25,767 --> 00:38:28,361 I understand congratulations are in order. 619 00:38:28,447 --> 00:38:30,643 -How? -You made your sale. 620 00:38:30,727 --> 00:38:33,287 District Council's just accepted your tender. 621 00:38:33,367 --> 00:38:36,325 -Really? -Quite a coup, eh? 622 00:38:36,407 --> 00:38:39,081 And a hefty wee commission in the bank. 623 00:38:39,167 --> 00:38:42,637 Oh, well, I just tendered what Griffin told me. 624 00:38:42,727 --> 00:38:44,957 Oh, now, now. 625 00:38:45,047 --> 00:38:47,197 You know what your problem is, McKenna? 626 00:38:47,287 --> 00:38:49,483 You've got an inferiority complex. 627 00:38:49,567 --> 00:38:53,401 Which may have something to do with the fact that you are inferior. 628 00:38:53,487 --> 00:38:57,640 Because let me tell you this. Anybody could have made that sale. 629 00:38:57,727 --> 00:39:01,038 My great aunty Betty, who cannae see or speak since she had a stroke 630 00:39:01,127 --> 00:39:02,845 could have made that sale. 631 00:39:02,927 --> 00:39:06,238 Sounds that she could have used the commission. 632 00:39:06,327 --> 00:39:08,363 Griffin may be a daft prat, 633 00:39:08,447 --> 00:39:11,359 but it willnae escape even his notice sooner or later 634 00:39:11,447 --> 00:39:14,359 that you're a useless waster that couldnae give away Pink Lady 635 00:39:14,447 --> 00:39:17,758 to a street corner drunk, never mind sell it to him. 636 00:39:19,407 --> 00:39:21,637 Just watch your back, McKenna. 637 00:39:31,607 --> 00:39:33,598 (DAY TRIPPER PLAYING) 638 00:39:44,487 --> 00:39:46,319 CAMPBELL ON RADIO: This is for all you day trippers out there 639 00:39:46,407 --> 00:39:49,763 who came to find out what it's like to be loony for a day. 640 00:39:49,847 --> 00:39:52,600 So, if you've just arrived, get on your straitjacket, 641 00:39:52,687 --> 00:39:55,156 plonk yourself under the nearest electrical socket, 642 00:39:55,247 --> 00:39:57,716 and get on down. 643 00:39:57,807 --> 00:40:00,481 Big Girls Don't Cry, The Four Seasons. 644 00:40:00,567 --> 00:40:03,127 -All Kinds of Everything... -You're going too fast. 645 00:40:03,207 --> 00:40:04,686 You're just finding too slow. 646 00:40:04,767 --> 00:40:06,280 CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Yes, it's time again 647 00:40:06,367 --> 00:40:08,483 to separate the loonies from the boring folk. 648 00:40:08,567 --> 00:40:11,161 So get ready to mark your 'X', boys and girls, 649 00:40:11,247 --> 00:40:12,919 because if you're one of our lucky winners today, 650 00:40:13,007 --> 00:40:16,397 you may walk out of here with one of our fabulous prizes. 651 00:40:16,487 --> 00:40:18,603 Which if you happen to be on a Section 26, 652 00:40:18,687 --> 00:40:21,201 means somebody'll come and bring you right back again. 653 00:40:22,967 --> 00:40:27,563 You could win a teddy bear, a dancing Coke can, a bottle of cheap sherry, 654 00:40:27,647 --> 00:40:30,002 a fruitcake or a week's supply of cat food. 655 00:40:30,087 --> 00:40:32,396 We wanted to give away a colour telly and a portable Jacuzzi, 656 00:40:32,487 --> 00:40:34,284 but they wouldnae trust us with anything electrical. 657 00:40:36,007 --> 00:40:37,998 -Rosalie, Mark's not here. -What? 658 00:40:38,087 --> 00:40:41,762 He's supposed to be contestant 22, but they discharged him this morning. 659 00:40:41,847 --> 00:40:44,759 -You have to take his place, then. -No, I couldnae. 660 00:40:44,847 --> 00:40:47,202 You're right. They'd know straight away you was one of the loonies. 661 00:40:47,287 --> 00:40:50,564 CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Ladies and gentlemen, Loonies and loonettes. 662 00:40:50,647 --> 00:40:52,479 Fergus, get up there. 663 00:40:52,567 --> 00:40:56,401 Please welcome our next pair of contestants. Numbers 21 and 22. 664 00:40:56,487 --> 00:41:00,719 Now, Fergus. And you, help Eddie sort out these requests, will you? 665 00:41:00,807 --> 00:41:02,161 CAMPBELL ON RADIO: Spot the loonies, day trippers. 666 00:41:02,247 --> 00:41:04,522 Have a good wee look, while I play you this dedication 667 00:41:04,607 --> 00:41:06,484 from all the folk on Ward 11 668 00:41:06,567 --> 00:41:09,036 to all the nice residents of the surrounding community. 669 00:41:09,127 --> 00:41:10,606 (LAZY SUNDAY PLAYING) 670 00:41:12,847 --> 00:41:14,565 A Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum. 671 00:41:14,647 --> 00:41:16,683 -My Way, Frank Sinatra. -Somebody broke it. 672 00:41:16,767 --> 00:41:18,997 Johnny B. Goode, then. I like Johnny B. Goode. 673 00:41:19,087 --> 00:41:22,876 -I cannae find A Whiter Shade of Pale. -It's not in "A"s, it's in the "W"s. 674 00:41:22,967 --> 00:41:25,163 But its A Whiter Shade of Pale, it begins with an "A"... 675 00:41:25,247 --> 00:41:27,921 Oh, God, they're all out of order now. 676 00:41:28,887 --> 00:41:33,802 Rosalie. That bastard caretaker just said we've to unplug our gear at 4:00. 677 00:41:33,887 --> 00:41:35,844 Everything's plugged in at the power point in his wee room, 678 00:41:35,927 --> 00:41:37,565 and he's gonnae unplug us so as he can lock up. 679 00:41:37,647 --> 00:41:39,001 Oh, perfect, that's just perfect. 680 00:41:39,087 --> 00:41:41,442 All right, Hector, you spin them so you can find them back. 681 00:41:41,527 --> 00:41:43,723 -What about the requests? -Okay, everybody, 682 00:41:43,807 --> 00:41:46,446 no more requests between the letters "A" and "H", you got that? 683 00:41:46,527 --> 00:41:48,836 -Eddie, go and get us some electric. -What? 684 00:41:48,927 --> 00:41:50,121 Try the offices, try the ward. 685 00:41:50,207 --> 00:41:52,198 Here's a list of all the power supplies in the hospital. 686 00:41:52,287 --> 00:41:54,119 -Now go! -Why does it have to be me? 687 00:41:54,207 --> 00:41:56,164 Do you think they're going to give their electricity to a loony? 688 00:41:56,247 --> 00:41:58,966 -You've got five minutes. -My show's about to start. 689 00:41:59,047 --> 00:42:02,881 There's not gonna be a show without electric. Now, go! 690 00:42:02,967 --> 00:42:05,527 Bribe them, if you need to. 691 00:42:07,087 --> 00:42:08,919 But who's gonna take his show? 692 00:42:09,007 --> 00:42:12,522 Francine, this is your big moment. 693 00:42:12,607 --> 00:42:14,564 -Oh, no! -Rosalie! 694 00:42:14,647 --> 00:42:16,399 Danny and Mary have eaten one of the prizes. 695 00:42:16,487 --> 00:42:17,602 -Which one? -The fruitcake. 696 00:42:17,687 --> 00:42:18,961 Well, at least it wasn't the teddy. 697 00:42:19,047 --> 00:42:21,277 I'm not going to take the show, I'm not ready. 698 00:42:21,367 --> 00:42:24,120 Rosalie, I've got someone here I'd like you to meet. 699 00:42:24,207 --> 00:42:27,563 You're gonna have to wait your turn. You see those stalls over there? 700 00:42:27,647 --> 00:42:29,524 There's a list of every stall and what they're selling. 701 00:42:29,607 --> 00:42:33,043 -Away you go and buy a fruitcake. -Rosalie, are you listening to me? 702 00:42:33,127 --> 00:42:34,799 You did it before, you can do it again. 703 00:42:34,887 --> 00:42:36,798 Well, that's just about all from me this afternoon. 704 00:42:36,887 --> 00:42:40,084 Does "I" come before "L" or does "L" come before "I"? 705 00:42:40,167 --> 00:42:41,521 ROSALIE: "I" comes before "L". 706 00:42:41,607 --> 00:42:43,086 What happened to Eddie? 707 00:42:43,167 --> 00:42:44,396 He's gone in to find us some electric. 708 00:42:44,487 --> 00:42:45,602 If he doesn't find it in the next two minutes, 709 00:42:45,687 --> 00:42:47,200 the caretaker's pulling the plug. 710 00:42:47,287 --> 00:42:50,723 They can't do this. I haven't been a contestant in the Loony Pools yet. 711 00:42:50,807 --> 00:42:52,798 I can see the audience, Fergus. 712 00:42:52,887 --> 00:42:54,878 -You'll be fine. -Does "S" come before "T"? 713 00:42:54,967 --> 00:42:56,844 Could you help him with his alphabet? 714 00:42:56,927 --> 00:42:59,839 -I know you're busy, but I just want... -Can you not see I'm busy? 715 00:42:59,927 --> 00:43:03,716 Right, your time's up. I'm locking up now. 716 00:43:03,807 --> 00:43:06,799 If you pull that plug, you're pulling the plug on my whole career. 717 00:43:07,887 --> 00:43:10,686 It's Open Day, for Christ's sake! 718 00:43:10,767 --> 00:43:13,327 Just another day for me. 719 00:43:14,727 --> 00:43:16,206 I've got it. 720 00:43:20,527 --> 00:43:24,042 If "The" is the first word, should it not go into the "T"s? 721 00:43:25,007 --> 00:43:27,726 Rosalie, I didnae find a fruitcake, but I found some sandwiches. 722 00:43:27,807 --> 00:43:29,240 Good. Prizes there. 723 00:43:29,327 --> 00:43:32,956 Hello. This is the fabulous Francine. 724 00:43:33,047 --> 00:43:36,039 -Rosalie? -What? What do you want? 725 00:43:36,127 --> 00:43:40,200 Rosalie, I'm Lady Sarah Chalmers. Patron of the Friends of St Jude. 726 00:43:42,687 --> 00:43:47,124 Sorry. Sweaty hands. 727 00:43:47,207 --> 00:43:50,677 I can see how busy you are. But I just wanted to congratulate you personally 728 00:43:50,767 --> 00:43:52,883 on what a splendid job you've done 729 00:43:52,967 --> 00:43:56,005 in helping to make this Open Day such a success. 730 00:43:56,087 --> 00:43:57,156 Thank you. 731 00:43:57,247 --> 00:44:00,364 It's not a very trendy cause, working with the mentally ill. 732 00:44:00,447 --> 00:44:02,643 Believe me, I know. 733 00:44:02,727 --> 00:44:04,877 But you're a marvel, Rosalie. 734 00:44:04,967 --> 00:44:08,881 However did you organise something so vast? 735 00:44:08,967 --> 00:44:13,438 I...made lists. 736 00:44:13,527 --> 00:44:17,520 And it's time once again for the Loony Pools. 737 00:44:18,607 --> 00:44:23,238 -Just a small contribution. -Thank you so much. 738 00:44:26,047 --> 00:44:28,561 So get ready to mark your "X" for the last time, 739 00:44:28,647 --> 00:44:33,323 as I give you contestants number 23 and 24. 740 00:44:33,407 --> 00:44:36,524 -You decided to come. -She is nice lass. 741 00:44:36,607 --> 00:44:39,565 For the final time, can you spot the loony? 742 00:44:39,647 --> 00:44:42,002 How you don't ask her for date? 743 00:44:42,087 --> 00:44:45,079 She's the one I was telling you about. The new DJ I'm training. 744 00:44:45,167 --> 00:44:48,045 She doesnae look crazy. 745 00:44:49,367 --> 00:44:51,005 Do I know that guy? 746 00:44:51,087 --> 00:44:54,284 Can we have one without the glasses, Mr Milligan? 747 00:44:54,367 --> 00:44:57,757 Curse, I knew the disguise wouldn't work. 748 00:44:57,847 --> 00:44:59,997 -Try acting loonier. -What? 749 00:45:00,087 --> 00:45:02,362 For that, I want money. 750 00:45:04,967 --> 00:45:08,118 Did you mind being asked to play Spot the Loony, Mr Milligan? 751 00:45:08,247 --> 00:45:14,038 (SPEAKING SLOWLY) No, I do not mind being asked to play Spot the Loony. 752 00:45:14,127 --> 00:45:17,404 But I object to being called Spot. 753 00:45:21,567 --> 00:45:26,323 He did it! The wee bastard got Spike Milligan! 754 00:45:47,087 --> 00:45:50,364 Oh, hello. 755 00:45:50,447 --> 00:45:52,563 You've still got your Dettol. 756 00:45:52,647 --> 00:45:57,767 Fergus bought me a new bottle. It was really kind of him. 757 00:45:57,847 --> 00:45:59,883 You should have come to the Open Day on Saturday, Jim. 758 00:45:59,967 --> 00:46:03,847 We had music and dancing and Spike Milligan was there. 759 00:46:03,927 --> 00:46:07,158 I'm not 100% sure who he is, but he's dead famous, so he is. 760 00:46:07,247 --> 00:46:10,444 -Where's your new dress? -It's burnt. 761 00:46:10,527 --> 00:46:12,723 -You burnt it? -No! 762 00:46:12,807 --> 00:46:15,037 But I did give it to Mad John the pyromaniac, 763 00:46:15,127 --> 00:46:17,402 and I think he burned it. 764 00:46:17,487 --> 00:46:21,719 -You had your injection yet? -No, I told them I didn't want it. 765 00:46:21,807 --> 00:46:24,367 You're not coming home if you've not had that injection. 766 00:46:24,447 --> 00:46:27,359 Aye. I know. 767 00:46:28,847 --> 00:46:31,725 But I'm not going to take any more of this crapola. 768 00:46:31,807 --> 00:46:32,956 What? 769 00:46:33,967 --> 00:46:37,517 I told them, and I'm telling you. 770 00:46:37,607 --> 00:46:41,646 I'm not going to take any more of this crapola. 771 00:46:41,727 --> 00:46:43,718 Where did you get that from? 772 00:46:43,807 --> 00:46:46,446 I think it's from an American film. 773 00:46:49,687 --> 00:46:52,599 Robbie always liked those American films, didn't he? 774 00:46:54,927 --> 00:46:56,884 Aye. 775 00:46:59,607 --> 00:47:02,440 I still miss him, Jim. 776 00:47:04,527 --> 00:47:05,517 Aye. 777 00:47:10,847 --> 00:47:12,519 EDDIE: I'd like to thank all of you who turned out 778 00:47:12,607 --> 00:47:14,518 to support the team for Open Day on Saturday. 779 00:47:14,607 --> 00:47:20,637 And having raised a grand total of £643.67 780 00:47:20,727 --> 00:47:25,483 plus an anonymous donation of £500 from somebody with a lot of musical taste. 781 00:47:25,847 --> 00:47:28,680 We are still in business. 782 00:47:30,727 --> 00:47:33,366 You all deserve a big hand. 783 00:47:33,447 --> 00:47:35,483 (I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND PLAYING) 784 00:47:38,127 --> 00:47:41,836 Fergus. What have you done? 785 00:47:41,927 --> 00:47:43,804 Just popped out for the papers. 786 00:47:52,567 --> 00:47:54,683 -Well? -We're in. 787 00:47:54,767 --> 00:47:57,156 -Yes. -Daily Record. 788 00:47:57,247 --> 00:47:59,238 Evening Times, The Herald. 789 00:47:59,327 --> 00:48:01,716 "Just a pair of loony goons." 790 00:48:01,807 --> 00:48:06,039 "Spike Milligan with Campbell Bain of St Jude's Hospital Radio." 791 00:48:06,127 --> 00:48:08,198 We've done it. We're on our way! 792 00:48:08,287 --> 00:48:10,881 -Campbell, you are a genius. -Genius. 793 00:48:10,967 --> 00:48:12,560 She's the genius. 794 00:48:12,647 --> 00:48:15,207 Rosalie, we're on our way. Sorry.