1 00:00:07,447 --> 00:00:08,846 CAMPBELL: Some wake, huh? 2 00:00:08,927 --> 00:00:11,202 We can go on back to the house with the others. 3 00:00:11,287 --> 00:00:13,005 His da invited us. 4 00:00:13,087 --> 00:00:16,682 Did he, hell. An invitation is when you say, 5 00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,918 "Would you like to come back to the house for a wee whisky?" 6 00:00:20,007 --> 00:00:23,158 Not "I suppose you can come back to the house if you want." 7 00:00:23,247 --> 00:00:27,798 I mean, who were all those folk? Rental mourners? 8 00:00:27,887 --> 00:00:31,596 Never saw any of them come to visit Fergus in hospital. 9 00:00:31,687 --> 00:00:33,359 Fair enough. 10 00:00:33,447 --> 00:00:37,486 And that minister, don't think he'd even met the guy. 11 00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:41,356 Talking about the tragic death of a young man of only 30 years. 12 00:00:41,447 --> 00:00:43,324 Fergus was 27! 13 00:00:45,287 --> 00:00:48,916 He had us up to sing Fergus' favourite hymn! 14 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:52,921 Fergus was a raving, card-carrying atheist! 15 00:00:53,007 --> 00:00:57,558 And that bit about the terrible illness that eventually killed him. 16 00:00:57,647 --> 00:01:01,083 Fergus didn't have cancer! He was a loony! 17 00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:06,685 A bam! Crazy, mental, out-to-lunch, of another planet! 18 00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:11,725 You are pished, my friend. 19 00:01:11,807 --> 00:01:13,639 That's rich coming for you. 20 00:01:13,727 --> 00:01:16,480 Aye, but I'm not an amateur. 21 00:01:21,287 --> 00:01:23,119 He was a genius. 22 00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:27,722 He could've done anything. 23 00:01:27,807 --> 00:01:30,162 Aye, so he could. 24 00:01:46,287 --> 00:01:48,801 (RAINY NIGHT IN GEORGIA PLAYING) 25 00:02:26,007 --> 00:02:29,238 -Who the hell are you? -I could ask you the same thing. 26 00:02:29,327 --> 00:02:30,920 I'm the guy who owns that record. 27 00:02:31,007 --> 00:02:32,042 Some collector. 28 00:02:32,127 --> 00:02:35,165 That's an original Brook Benton version from 1968. 29 00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:37,761 1969. How did you get in here? 30 00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:40,156 Nobody's supposed to be here except authorised staff. 31 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,999 I'm the electrician. 32 00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:46,118 -Right. That's it. -What? 33 00:02:46,207 --> 00:02:48,164 -They don't go on like that. -They do tonight. 34 00:02:48,247 --> 00:02:49,680 What are you on, pal? 35 00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:52,042 -Eddie! Eddie! -Daft bastard! 36 00:02:52,127 --> 00:02:54,163 -What's the problem? -What's the problem? 37 00:02:54,247 --> 00:02:56,204 -Why is he not sedated? -He's not a patient! 38 00:02:56,287 --> 00:02:58,164 Well, he should be. 39 00:02:58,927 --> 00:03:00,599 It doesn't matter to Fergus now. 40 00:03:00,687 --> 00:03:02,439 You're only storing up trouble for yourself. 41 00:03:02,527 --> 00:03:05,201 Aye. Well, it's easily done round here! 42 00:03:19,247 --> 00:03:21,556 EDDIE: You waiting on McTavish? 43 00:03:21,647 --> 00:03:25,401 FRANCINE: Aye. I haven't seen him... her in a couple of days. 44 00:03:27,327 --> 00:03:31,320 I hear you and Campbell are doing a pilot programme for Radio Scotland. 45 00:03:31,407 --> 00:03:33,443 Aye, we record it Monday. 46 00:03:33,527 --> 00:03:38,078 -It's exciting though, eh? -I try not to think of it. 47 00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:44,564 -You don't need that, Eddie. -I do. I'm going to a sales meeting. 48 00:03:52,247 --> 00:03:56,684 -That stuff could take over, you know. -Already has taken over. 49 00:03:56,767 --> 00:03:59,725 Without my wee friend here, I couldn't do it. 50 00:04:01,967 --> 00:04:06,165 First time I got pished, I was 15. 51 00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:09,683 This teacher was gonna make us memorise a poem 52 00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:12,281 and stand up and recite it in front of the class. 53 00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:15,917 -You didn't want to do it. -No, I wanted to do it, but... 54 00:04:16,007 --> 00:04:20,956 I knew the poem, but every time I tried to recite it, I'd forget bits. 55 00:04:22,207 --> 00:04:25,643 I was that terrified when the day finally came, 56 00:04:25,727 --> 00:04:28,446 my pal Colin and I had a couple of cans behind the bike shed 57 00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:30,006 to steady our nerves. 58 00:04:32,407 --> 00:04:34,478 And it changed everything. 59 00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:36,959 I had my nerve back. 60 00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:41,201 When I stood up in front of that class that afternoon, it was brilliant. 61 00:04:41,287 --> 00:04:43,756 -You remembered the poem? -Of course not. 62 00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:46,919 No, I was that desperate. I started throwing in things like, 63 00:04:47,007 --> 00:04:48,759 "Mary had a little lamb, she also had a duck. 64 00:04:48,847 --> 00:04:51,566 "She put them on the mantelpiece to see if they'd fall off." 65 00:04:51,647 --> 00:04:53,604 Except the teacher never let me get to the punch line. 66 00:04:53,687 --> 00:04:58,044 But the point... The point is that I didn't care. 67 00:04:58,127 --> 00:05:02,280 I could suddenly do anything, no matter how humiliating, and not care. 68 00:05:04,407 --> 00:05:05,840 I was free. 69 00:05:09,807 --> 00:05:12,606 You'll not take your wee friend on Monday? 70 00:05:15,007 --> 00:05:16,804 Cannae promise. 71 00:05:20,327 --> 00:05:24,446 But who knows, you might like my version of Mary Had a Little Lamb. 72 00:05:27,807 --> 00:05:30,446 ALL: Sell! Sell! Sell! Sell! 73 00:05:45,647 --> 00:05:49,561 And in closing, salesman and salesladies of the month, 74 00:05:49,647 --> 00:05:54,642 I want to bring your attention to this month's issue of The Glazier. 75 00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:57,321 It has some pretty disturbing news in it. 76 00:05:57,407 --> 00:06:02,038 It says here that Britain is presently experiencing a recession. 77 00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:05,836 That householders and businesses are saying, "No, I can't afford it. 78 00:06:05,927 --> 00:06:08,362 "It's not the time to be fitting new windows to our homes 79 00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:11,359 "and our shops and our offices." Well, do you know what I say to that? 80 00:06:11,447 --> 00:06:13,199 -Lavery? -Work harder. 81 00:06:13,287 --> 00:06:16,598 Are you not already working harder? Remind me to sack you. 82 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:19,565 -Webster? -Sell! Sell! Sell! 83 00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:23,720 -No, we've done that. MacAteer? -Balls and poppycock. 84 00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:28,040 Balls and poppycock. 85 00:06:28,127 --> 00:06:32,086 That's what I say, by God, and so does John MacAteer. 86 00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:33,964 And I'm proud to tell you that this afternoon, 87 00:06:34,047 --> 00:06:36,721 he came to tell me that, after walking in cold 88 00:06:36,807 --> 00:06:39,446 to the Links Business Systems building in Paisley, 89 00:06:39,527 --> 00:06:43,520 and after six gruel ling weeks of sales presentations, 90 00:06:43,607 --> 00:06:45,996 the company have asked him for a quotation 91 00:06:46,087 --> 00:06:48,920 for a full set of replacement windows! 92 00:06:49,007 --> 00:06:50,884 (ALL CHEERING) 93 00:06:51,447 --> 00:06:54,644 Is there... Is there a recession on? 94 00:06:54,727 --> 00:06:56,286 ALL: No! 95 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:59,325 Then get out there and sell Twinview! 96 00:06:59,407 --> 00:07:01,523 (ALL CHEERING) 97 00:07:04,607 --> 00:07:08,236 You were late. If I'd been a customer, you'd have lost your sale. 98 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,396 Sorry. 99 00:07:09,487 --> 00:07:12,479 Do you know what the essential paradox of being a salesman is? 100 00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:13,841 Do I have to guess? 101 00:07:13,927 --> 00:07:16,680 Take as much time as you need to close a sale, 102 00:07:16,767 --> 00:07:18,439 but don't be late for your next one. 103 00:07:18,527 --> 00:07:20,996 That's the essential paradox of being a salesman. 104 00:07:21,087 --> 00:07:24,125 A very wise man told me that, our National Sales Director. 105 00:07:24,207 --> 00:07:26,960 So remember it, and don't be late again. 106 00:07:27,487 --> 00:07:30,718 Don't mind him. He's been telling that story for eight years 107 00:07:30,807 --> 00:07:33,321 and he still doesn't know what "paradox" means. 108 00:07:33,407 --> 00:07:36,126 So, I hear you're doing the big district council tender. 109 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:37,561 Aye, I've got a meeting on Tuesday. 110 00:07:37,647 --> 00:07:39,444 MacATEER: I was looking at the plans. 111 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:42,405 This one should be worth at least 35k. 112 00:07:42,487 --> 00:07:45,286 It's a fair old commission at 10%, eh, McKenna? 113 00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:48,200 And I hear Griffin's going along to hold your hand. 114 00:07:48,287 --> 00:07:50,676 I thought we might need to negotiate a wee bit. 115 00:07:50,767 --> 00:07:54,157 So Griffin's made the contact at the council, got you the plans, 116 00:07:54,247 --> 00:07:56,397 and is going along with you and negotiate the tender. 117 00:07:56,487 --> 00:08:00,162 What exactly are you gonna be contributing to the deal? 118 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,044 It's my tape measure. 119 00:08:02,127 --> 00:08:03,845 (BOTH LAUGHING) 120 00:08:07,807 --> 00:08:09,001 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 121 00:08:17,327 --> 00:08:18,920 Grandma, what... 122 00:08:20,407 --> 00:08:21,727 Jesus! What are you doing? 123 00:08:21,807 --> 00:08:24,162 Don't take God's name in vain, he'll punish you. 124 00:08:24,247 --> 00:08:25,999 But what are you doing? 125 00:08:26,087 --> 00:08:30,319 Tomorrow I make jumble sale. I raise much money to go to Lithuania. 126 00:08:30,407 --> 00:08:32,478 By selling Granddad's hat stand? 127 00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:35,081 He has no need of hats. He's dead. 128 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:36,361 Why are you doing this? 129 00:08:36,447 --> 00:08:39,963 Because I need £3,000 and you don't give! 130 00:08:40,047 --> 00:08:42,197 You cannae go to Lithuania in the dead of winter. 131 00:08:42,287 --> 00:08:44,119 You will freeze and you will starve! 132 00:08:44,207 --> 00:08:46,243 So it'll be like old times, then! 133 00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:48,762 It willnae be like old times. You'll die of hypothermia. 134 00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:52,442 That is not so bad. Being shot by the SS, that is bad. 135 00:08:52,527 --> 00:08:54,120 So you're really gonna go? 136 00:08:54,207 --> 00:08:58,997 I want to die with my own people, Eddie! This is the only thing I ask. 137 00:08:59,087 --> 00:09:00,202 I'll see what I can do. 138 00:09:00,287 --> 00:09:02,517 And that you come to Lithuanian Club next week, too. 139 00:09:02,607 --> 00:09:04,917 -Okay. -And that you bring beautiful wife 140 00:09:05,007 --> 00:09:08,204 with you so everybody tells me you're a lucky guy. Three things I ask. 141 00:09:08,287 --> 00:09:12,440 -Grandma, I don't have a wife. -You have till next Wednesday. 142 00:09:12,527 --> 00:09:14,882 I'm not gonna find a wife by next Wednesday. 143 00:09:14,967 --> 00:09:16,844 Then bring your intended one. 144 00:09:16,927 --> 00:09:19,237 I don't have an intended one. 145 00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:21,159 You cannot do this for me? 146 00:09:21,247 --> 00:09:23,716 The last thing I ask of you before I die? 147 00:09:23,807 --> 00:09:27,038 Grandma, I don't have a wife and I don't have an intended one. 148 00:09:27,127 --> 00:09:28,606 What do you want me to do? 149 00:09:28,687 --> 00:09:30,917 Okay. Bring girlfriend. 150 00:09:33,207 --> 00:09:35,482 (DREAM LOVER PLAYING) 151 00:09:42,447 --> 00:09:45,837 Freeze! Don't look. What was the name of that record? 152 00:09:45,927 --> 00:09:48,123 -Dream Lover. -Which was in the British charts for? 153 00:09:48,207 --> 00:09:49,686 -Nineteen weeks. -In? 154 00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:51,917 -1959. -See? I told you he could do it. 155 00:09:52,007 --> 00:09:54,442 -Did I not tell you? -He is a genius, so he is. 156 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,847 -You're still here? -Oh, aye. 157 00:09:55,927 --> 00:09:58,202 If they want to get rid of me, they'll have to catch me first. 158 00:09:58,287 --> 00:10:00,403 Rosalie's got us all organised for the pilot tomorrow, Eddie. 159 00:10:00,487 --> 00:10:03,400 It's gonna be brilliant. And I have just come up with the perfect angle. 160 00:10:03,487 --> 00:10:05,046 -Which is? -We are gonna be playing 161 00:10:05,127 --> 00:10:08,722 a number one hit for every year from 1956 to 1970, aye? 162 00:10:08,807 --> 00:10:10,843 And I've got a list here of every number one hit 163 00:10:10,927 --> 00:10:12,440 in every one of those years, Eddie. 164 00:10:12,527 --> 00:10:14,916 So at the end of the hour, we invite our listeners to phone in 165 00:10:15,007 --> 00:10:17,760 and pit their wits against the master of hits, 166 00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:21,158 -Dr Boogie! -Who's Dr Boogie? 167 00:10:21,247 --> 00:10:23,682 You! That's the angle! 168 00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:26,202 So if they can ask a question about any of the hits we've played 169 00:10:26,287 --> 00:10:29,325 that you cannae answer, they win a major prize. 170 00:10:29,407 --> 00:10:30,966 He's a genius. 171 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,004 Campbell, this is a recording we're doing. 172 00:10:33,087 --> 00:10:34,680 The only folk who're gonna be listening are Paula 173 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,963 and a couple of bored guys on their dinner break. 174 00:10:37,047 --> 00:10:38,958 Then we'll get them to phone in. 175 00:10:39,047 --> 00:10:40,765 What's the major prize? 176 00:10:40,847 --> 00:10:44,681 We just kid on there's a prize, so it can be anything we want. 177 00:10:44,767 --> 00:10:47,759 A trip to Graceland by time machine to meet Elvis. 178 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,121 Lunch with the Archbishop of Canterbury. 179 00:10:49,207 --> 00:10:51,676 I don't have to conform to the vagaries of time and space. 180 00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:55,044 I'm a loony, for God's sake. Look, a full moon! 181 00:10:55,127 --> 00:10:56,640 (HOWLING) 182 00:10:58,247 --> 00:11:00,283 EDDIE: I thought you wanted to keep quiet about that. 183 00:11:00,367 --> 00:11:02,677 They're not going to do to me what they did to Fergus, Eddie. 184 00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:05,361 Nobody's gonna find me in a heap on the pavement. 185 00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:08,963 I'm gonna flaunt it. I'm gonna exploit it for all it's worth 186 00:11:09,047 --> 00:11:11,846 because we are loonies and we are proud! 187 00:11:11,927 --> 00:11:16,797 We are loonies and we are proud! We are loonies and we are proud! 188 00:11:16,887 --> 00:11:20,198 Social worker, quick! Social worker! 189 00:11:22,407 --> 00:11:25,240 ROSALIE: I shouldn't have tidied the boxes. 190 00:11:32,927 --> 00:11:35,840 Have you seen Rosalie? The social worker's here. 191 00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:36,962 She's not been in tonight. 192 00:11:37,047 --> 00:11:39,163 She came in at 7:30. I saw her. 193 00:11:39,247 --> 00:11:43,127 -Well, she's not here now. -Are you calling me a liar? 194 00:11:43,207 --> 00:11:45,721 No, Stuart, I'm calling you stupid. 195 00:11:45,807 --> 00:11:48,640 Eddie, what are those boxes doing out? 196 00:11:48,727 --> 00:11:49,921 Um... 197 00:11:50,727 --> 00:11:52,604 Campbell and I have been doing some organising. 198 00:11:52,687 --> 00:11:54,120 Well, could you put them back in the cupboard now? 199 00:11:54,207 --> 00:11:56,164 They could be a fire hazard. 200 00:11:56,247 --> 00:11:57,760 We're still working with them. 201 00:11:57,847 --> 00:11:59,519 Nurse said to put them back in the cupboard! 202 00:11:59,607 --> 00:12:01,598 It's all right, Stuart. 203 00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:05,757 But we're still working with them. How low an IQ do you need for your job? 204 00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:08,043 I could break you like a match, you know that? 205 00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:11,881 All right, nobody's gonna break anyone else like a match. 206 00:12:13,527 --> 00:12:15,199 Rosalie, do you want to come out now 207 00:12:15,287 --> 00:12:18,325 before we end up with blood all over the floor? 208 00:12:22,247 --> 00:12:25,524 Rosalie, this is Linda Foster, the psychiatric social worker. 209 00:12:25,607 --> 00:12:27,678 She'd like to have a word. 210 00:12:33,527 --> 00:12:34,721 (CAN ROLLING) 211 00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:36,206 BOY: Hey, miss, are you a loony? 212 00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:38,358 You shouldn't be out here if you're a loony. 213 00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:41,121 BOY 1: You should be locked up. BOY 2: She smells like a fish! 214 00:12:41,207 --> 00:12:42,959 Will you piss off? 215 00:12:43,047 --> 00:12:45,561 Oi! Clear off, you wee bastards! 216 00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:49,117 (BOYS TAUNTING IN SINGSONG VOICE) 217 00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:51,562 -You okay? -Aye, I'm fine. 218 00:12:52,807 --> 00:12:55,446 I was just worried about McTavish. 219 00:12:55,527 --> 00:12:57,518 -She's back? -Aye. 220 00:13:00,327 --> 00:13:03,160 And she's not just she, she's them. 221 00:13:09,807 --> 00:13:11,206 Don't get too close. 222 00:13:11,287 --> 00:13:14,723 You could frighten her and she might run off, you see. 223 00:13:14,967 --> 00:13:17,402 I found them yesterday. 224 00:13:17,487 --> 00:13:20,638 They've only opened their eyes for a wee bit yet. 225 00:13:20,807 --> 00:13:22,639 Imagine that, eh? 226 00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:27,323 Being born blind and knowing nothing but a warm belly and the smell of milk. 227 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,479 She doesn't mind if I touch them. 228 00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:32,842 She knows they're safe with me. 229 00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:37,036 Francine, could I ask you a favour? 230 00:13:38,287 --> 00:13:40,437 If you could get a pass, 231 00:13:40,527 --> 00:13:43,883 would you go to a club with me on Wednesday night? 232 00:13:45,847 --> 00:13:48,805 That's the favour? Is that not a date? 233 00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:53,597 Ah, not if the club in question is the Lithuanian Club of Scotland. 234 00:13:53,687 --> 00:13:56,326 Well, it's not that bad. 235 00:13:56,407 --> 00:13:59,718 You'd have to kid on you like Lithuanian music and that, 236 00:13:59,807 --> 00:14:00,956 and folk talking about the old country 237 00:14:01,047 --> 00:14:02,958 even though they were born in Mother well. 238 00:14:03,047 --> 00:14:04,640 And... 239 00:14:05,247 --> 00:14:08,683 You'd have to kid on you were my girlfriend. 240 00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:09,916 What? 241 00:14:12,007 --> 00:14:14,362 My grandmother's going back to Lithuania at the end of the month 242 00:14:14,447 --> 00:14:15,721 and she wants to be able to kid on to her friends 243 00:14:15,807 --> 00:14:19,004 that I'm not a complete loser. And I promised her. 244 00:14:19,447 --> 00:14:23,122 Oh, listen, that's just the most humiliating moment of my life. 245 00:14:23,207 --> 00:14:25,243 What, asking me for a date? 246 00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:28,285 Asking a woman to kid on she's my girlfriend. 247 00:14:29,527 --> 00:14:33,236 Then I'll kid on that well you'd never guess it isn't true. 248 00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:38,077 (SHAKIN' ALL OVER PLAYING) 249 00:15:11,087 --> 00:15:13,920 You ready, boys? Eddie, you okay? 250 00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:16,521 Fine. 251 00:15:16,607 --> 00:15:22,557 Then let's do it. Four, three, two, one, go. 252 00:15:22,647 --> 00:15:26,003 This is Campbell Bain and this is my alarm clock. 253 00:15:26,087 --> 00:15:27,281 It's also a clue. 254 00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:31,156 Dr Boogie has just 10 seconds to guess our first number one hit. 255 00:15:31,247 --> 00:15:33,522 The year is 1956. 256 00:15:33,607 --> 00:15:35,006 (RINGING) 257 00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:39,118 EDDIE AND CAMPBELL: # ...the champions 258 00:15:39,207 --> 00:15:42,723 # Because we are the champions 259 00:15:42,807 --> 00:15:45,924 # We are the champions 260 00:15:46,007 --> 00:15:49,238 # We are the champions 261 00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:52,319 # We are the champions 262 00:15:52,407 --> 00:15:55,160 # 'Cause we are the champions 263 00:15:56,887 --> 00:15:59,037 # Of the world # 264 00:15:59,127 --> 00:16:00,321 You got on okay, I take it? 265 00:16:00,407 --> 00:16:03,604 CAMPBELL: Okay? We practically set fire to the place! 266 00:16:03,687 --> 00:16:05,200 Which explains the fire extinguisher. 267 00:16:05,287 --> 00:16:06,720 And you'll never believe what happened. 268 00:16:06,807 --> 00:16:09,117 They sectioned the both of yo use. 269 00:16:09,207 --> 00:16:13,087 Sectioned? You don't section a genius. 270 00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:15,397 You say, "You did really well." 271 00:16:15,487 --> 00:16:17,797 You say, "Come see me on Thursday, Eddie." 272 00:16:17,887 --> 00:16:18,922 (EXCLAIMS) 273 00:16:19,007 --> 00:16:20,486 Because you know what I learnt today? 274 00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:25,038 That the only difference between lunacy and genius is timing. 275 00:16:25,127 --> 00:16:26,925 Set off a fire extinguisher in a shrink's office 276 00:16:27,007 --> 00:16:28,566 and he'll have you locked up. 277 00:16:28,647 --> 00:16:31,958 Do it in front of an audience and it's high farce! 278 00:16:32,047 --> 00:16:33,241 It's time to start making lists 279 00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:35,523 full of the great things you're gonna do, Rosalie. 280 00:16:35,607 --> 00:16:38,360 Instead of "12 bottles of disinfectant spray", 281 00:16:38,447 --> 00:16:40,643 put "climb the highest mountain"! 282 00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:44,243 Instead of "large box of scourers", put "cross the deepest ocean". 283 00:16:44,327 --> 00:16:46,841 Instead of "one case of Dettol"... 284 00:16:46,927 --> 00:16:49,362 What the hell are you planning here, Rosalie? 285 00:16:49,447 --> 00:16:51,358 It's just my discharge. 286 00:16:57,927 --> 00:16:59,076 When? 287 00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:03,283 Friday. They found me a place in a bed and breakfast. 288 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:08,959 -What about the supported accommodation? -I'm still on the waiting list. 289 00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:12,719 There used to be this bed and breakfast in Bundoran 290 00:17:12,807 --> 00:17:15,640 where Jim and me used to take Robbie every summer. 291 00:17:15,727 --> 00:17:20,881 It was all whitewashed with wee brass ornaments in the hallway. 292 00:17:21,527 --> 00:17:25,520 I don't suppose this place will be like that, though. 293 00:17:25,607 --> 00:17:29,396 You'll still be station manager. You know that. 294 00:17:29,487 --> 00:17:32,126 Aye. It's nice to belong somewhere. 295 00:17:44,687 --> 00:17:47,122 Well, if it isn't Ready-Eddie McKenna, 296 00:17:47,207 --> 00:17:49,767 star of Radio Loonyland. 297 00:17:49,847 --> 00:17:51,406 Oh, sorry, I forgot. 298 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,478 You abandoned your glittering radio career 299 00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:57,924 to devote more time to your corporate family here at Twinview. 300 00:17:58,007 --> 00:17:59,998 Is this you away to your meeting with the council? 301 00:18:00,087 --> 00:18:01,805 Aye, as soon as Griffin gets here. 302 00:18:01,887 --> 00:18:03,446 Griffin's always late, though. 303 00:18:03,527 --> 00:18:07,520 Why, because you know what the essential paradox of a sales manager is, eh? 304 00:18:07,607 --> 00:18:09,518 He doesn't have to be on time, but everybody else does. 305 00:18:09,607 --> 00:18:12,599 Wrong. The essential paradox of a sales manager is that 306 00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:15,599 he can be a certifiable lunatic, but we still have to call him "sir". 307 00:18:15,687 --> 00:18:19,123 He can take a guy they wouldn't let sell pencils for the blind 308 00:18:19,207 --> 00:18:21,676 and give him the plummest sales lead of the year. 309 00:18:22,887 --> 00:18:25,276 -Give us a break, huh? -Oh, any time. 310 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:27,085 Just tell me which arm. 311 00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:30,324 I'm going to the bog. 312 00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:35,683 You shitting yourself in case Griffin doesn't turn up 313 00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:38,156 and you've got to take that meeting yourself? 314 00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:41,524 No. I started pissing myself at your broken arm joke. 315 00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:54,687 MacAteer? 316 00:18:55,527 --> 00:18:57,484 MacAteer! Open the door! 317 00:18:59,967 --> 00:19:02,606 You stupid wankers. MacAteer! 318 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,238 LAVERY: Quick, the radio. 319 00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:12,042 (RUN FOR YOUR LIFE PLAYING) 320 00:19:12,127 --> 00:19:14,960 -Good afternoon, sir. -What the hell is all that row? 321 00:19:15,047 --> 00:19:16,606 Oh, Webster and Lavery are just listening 322 00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:19,076 for the new Twinview ad on Radio Clyde. 323 00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:22,557 Good lads. Where is McKenna? 324 00:19:22,647 --> 00:19:26,083 I don't know, sir. Should he be here? 325 00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,044 Oh, for Christ's sake! 326 00:19:28,127 --> 00:19:31,881 If you need some help with the tender, I'd be happy to come along. 327 00:19:31,967 --> 00:19:33,605 Right. Let's go. 328 00:19:33,687 --> 00:19:37,282 I don't want to step on Eddie's toes, but if I go, who gets the commission? 329 00:19:37,367 --> 00:19:40,166 You do the tender, you get the commission. 330 00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:04,441 Griffin! 331 00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:07,956 Griffin! 332 00:20:09,287 --> 00:20:10,846 (BUS HORN HONKING) 333 00:20:13,887 --> 00:20:15,207 Oh! 334 00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:25,276 MAN: Sorry I'm late. Where's Mr McKenna? 335 00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:27,199 -Well, I'm afraid he's... -Right here. 336 00:20:27,287 --> 00:20:30,165 -Ah, Mr McKenna. -Where's your car? 337 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:32,319 I thought I'd take the opportunity to use 338 00:20:32,407 --> 00:20:36,036 the excellent public transport system our regional council's responsible for. 339 00:20:36,127 --> 00:20:38,163 Which doesn't always run on time, I'm afraid. 340 00:20:38,247 --> 00:20:40,716 Still, there's no excuse for lateness, McKenna. 341 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:41,797 Right enough. 342 00:20:41,887 --> 00:20:43,320 But I wanted to pop in at the planning department 343 00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:46,160 to check on the feasibility of using aluminium over UPVC 344 00:20:46,247 --> 00:20:48,556 on the access problem in the rear elevation. 345 00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:51,958 -Very helpful, by the way. -Excellent. Excellent. 346 00:20:52,087 --> 00:20:53,202 Aye. 347 00:20:53,287 --> 00:20:56,723 -Well, thanks for your help, MacAteer. -Anytime. 348 00:21:00,007 --> 00:21:04,319 There isn't an access problem in the rear elevation, is there? 349 00:21:04,407 --> 00:21:06,921 They seem to think there is. Oh, if you're going back to the office, 350 00:21:07,007 --> 00:21:09,840 would you tell Jane we're out of bog paper? 351 00:21:15,127 --> 00:21:17,516 There's a really good film we could catch tonight. 352 00:21:17,607 --> 00:21:21,282 -Where? -I don't know, somewhere, bound to be. 353 00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:25,397 Are you sure you want to do this? 354 00:21:25,487 --> 00:21:27,956 Aye. Let's go. 355 00:21:29,327 --> 00:21:31,124 (FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) 356 00:21:37,207 --> 00:21:41,997 How nice to see you. You bad, bad boy. 357 00:21:42,087 --> 00:21:45,204 You never come to Lithuania Club any more. 358 00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:48,962 -Francine, this is Mrs Prackhauskas. -Delighted to meet you. 359 00:21:49,047 --> 00:21:53,439 -This is my... -Girlfriend. Francine Boyle. 360 00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:55,563 Come. Come, we sit. 361 00:21:57,927 --> 00:22:01,522 -Is that your grandmother? -Aye. 362 00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:06,763 Eddie! Oh! What's her name? 363 00:22:07,167 --> 00:22:09,363 -Francine. -Francine! 364 00:22:09,447 --> 00:22:12,997 Oh, how happy I am to meet you again. 365 00:22:13,087 --> 00:22:15,726 Lovely to see you again, Mrs Valiakoicz. 366 00:22:15,807 --> 00:22:19,641 Oh, you pronounced that so well. You speak some Lithuanian? 367 00:22:19,727 --> 00:22:22,446 -No, I'm afraid not. -Then we teach you. 368 00:22:26,007 --> 00:22:28,157 You brought the crazy one? 369 00:22:30,607 --> 00:22:32,882 It was either that or a blow-up doll. 370 00:22:32,967 --> 00:22:36,437 I was afraid the doll might get drunk and embarrass me. 371 00:22:38,447 --> 00:22:40,279 (SPEAKING LITHUANIAN) 372 00:22:42,927 --> 00:22:47,842 Oh, Eddie, she's wonderful! And so pretty. 373 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,642 Well, maybe she's okay. 374 00:22:53,967 --> 00:22:57,403 -Do you speak Lithuanian? -I understand a bit. 375 00:22:57,487 --> 00:22:59,558 (SPEAKING LITHUANIAN) 376 00:23:00,767 --> 00:23:02,917 What are they talking about? 377 00:23:04,607 --> 00:23:06,404 You don't wanna know. 378 00:23:08,407 --> 00:23:11,285 How could you do this? They're gonna find out. 379 00:23:11,367 --> 00:23:14,757 I'm in Lithuania then, only tonight matters. 380 00:23:15,167 --> 00:23:17,602 They think we're getting married? 381 00:23:21,247 --> 00:23:23,522 We teach you Lithuanian dance. 382 00:23:26,047 --> 00:23:28,243 -Eddie, come. -I cannae dance. 383 00:23:29,127 --> 00:23:32,085 Dance! Dance! Dance! 384 00:23:33,567 --> 00:23:35,763 Hands, take her hand. 385 00:24:39,087 --> 00:24:41,965 FRANCINE: I didn't embarrass you, did I? EDDIE: Embarrass me? 386 00:24:42,047 --> 00:24:43,446 They were congratulating me all night 387 00:24:43,527 --> 00:24:45,882 on finding such a lovely lassie for a wife. 388 00:24:45,967 --> 00:24:48,959 They wish us a long life and many babies, by the way. 389 00:24:49,047 --> 00:24:50,480 (FRANCINE GIGGLING) 390 00:24:50,687 --> 00:24:53,281 Anyway, thanks. 391 00:24:53,727 --> 00:24:57,322 -For what? -You know, kidding on. 392 00:24:58,847 --> 00:25:02,442 Thank you. That was my first date in seven years. 393 00:25:04,207 --> 00:25:06,164 I felt like Cinderella. 394 00:25:06,447 --> 00:25:08,119 I was even pretty. 395 00:25:08,407 --> 00:25:10,443 Francine, you are pretty. 396 00:25:13,487 --> 00:25:15,398 You have terrific eyes. 397 00:25:16,567 --> 00:25:18,717 Aye, but you only want to see my body. 398 00:25:18,807 --> 00:25:20,400 (EDDIE CHUCKLES) 399 00:25:22,047 --> 00:25:24,038 Don't tempt me, Francine. 400 00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:28,044 No, it's so full of scars from when I slash myself. 401 00:25:29,087 --> 00:25:30,407 Then stop. 402 00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:34,483 I'd still have the scars. 403 00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:37,723 We've all got scars, Francine. 404 00:25:45,807 --> 00:25:48,606 (BANGING, CHILDREN LAUGHING) 405 00:25:48,687 --> 00:25:50,723 -What are they doing? -It's just those kids. 406 00:25:50,807 --> 00:25:55,483 No, no, leave them alone! 407 00:25:55,567 --> 00:25:57,080 Please stop! 408 00:25:57,167 --> 00:25:58,202 (MCTAVISH MEOWS) 409 00:26:00,567 --> 00:26:01,921 McTavish! 410 00:26:02,327 --> 00:26:05,285 Don't go! Wait, don't go! 411 00:26:05,967 --> 00:26:07,844 Please don't go! 412 00:26:07,927 --> 00:26:09,998 (CRYING) 413 00:26:18,567 --> 00:26:19,682 ¡ON 414 00:26:21,167 --> 00:26:22,396 ¡ON 415 00:26:24,567 --> 00:26:26,399 No! No! 416 00:26:29,647 --> 00:26:33,037 They're not safe. They're not safe. I'm not safe. 417 00:26:35,727 --> 00:26:38,480 The boys have gone now, they've run off. 418 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:42,124 Not from them. From Uncle Frank. 419 00:26:42,927 --> 00:26:44,759 He'll come for this. 420 00:26:45,727 --> 00:26:49,038 They're not safe. Do you not see that? 421 00:26:49,127 --> 00:26:50,720 We're not safe. 422 00:27:08,287 --> 00:27:12,360 Well, well, if it isn't McKenna, dead on time to pick up his tender. 423 00:27:12,447 --> 00:27:14,643 Your punctuality is definitely improving. 424 00:27:14,727 --> 00:27:16,206 I'm not in the mood, MacAteer. 425 00:27:16,287 --> 00:27:17,846 So, were you running in by car 426 00:27:17,927 --> 00:27:21,238 or taking the opportunity to use the excellent public transport system 427 00:27:21,327 --> 00:27:24,080 our regional council is responsible for? 428 00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:26,160 Just I heard you had a puncture recently. 429 00:27:26,247 --> 00:27:29,046 I didn't have a puncture, my tyre was slashed. I had to buy a new one. 430 00:27:29,127 --> 00:27:30,162 Is that right? 431 00:27:30,247 --> 00:27:32,318 Well, it's getting to something when you cannae park your car 432 00:27:32,407 --> 00:27:36,002 in front of your own place of work without some hooligan slashing the tyre. 433 00:27:37,287 --> 00:27:38,516 Aye, and I wouldn't be surprised 434 00:27:38,607 --> 00:27:40,200 if next time I find my tyres have been slashed, 435 00:27:40,287 --> 00:27:42,756 say, for instance, when I'm out delivering my tender, 436 00:27:42,847 --> 00:27:46,203 you find your bonnet's got paint-stripper all over it. 437 00:27:54,767 --> 00:27:56,917 He's like the school bully, you know. 438 00:27:57,007 --> 00:27:58,201 Every time he comes in here, 439 00:27:58,287 --> 00:28:01,086 I expect him to take my dinner money off me. 440 00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:02,646 -There's your tender, by the way. -Thanks. 441 00:28:02,727 --> 00:28:04,240 -You're not going home? -No. 442 00:28:04,327 --> 00:28:06,887 I was supposed to be going to a hen party tonight, 443 00:28:06,967 --> 00:28:09,800 but MacAteer wants this Links Business System quotation 444 00:28:09,887 --> 00:28:11,559 by tomorrow first thing. 445 00:28:11,647 --> 00:28:13,126 Well, just go. 446 00:28:13,207 --> 00:28:16,438 Look, first of all, you cannae be expected to type this up. 447 00:28:16,527 --> 00:28:18,962 Fours look like sixes, the ones look like sevens. 448 00:28:19,047 --> 00:28:21,607 He's been working on this Links quotation for weeks. 449 00:28:21,687 --> 00:28:23,962 He'd be absolutely furious with you. 450 00:28:24,047 --> 00:28:27,005 Only way to handle a bully is to stand up to him. 451 00:28:27,087 --> 00:28:28,202 Well, 452 00:28:29,327 --> 00:28:31,443 maybe I will go. 453 00:28:31,527 --> 00:28:32,676 That's the spirit. 454 00:28:34,367 --> 00:28:37,917 If I don't stay out late and get in dead early tomorrow, 455 00:28:38,007 --> 00:28:39,918 I can still finish it in time, eh? 456 00:28:40,007 --> 00:28:42,316 Well, that's standing up to him? 457 00:28:42,527 --> 00:28:45,917 That's keeping my job. Can you lock up for me? 458 00:28:53,047 --> 00:28:55,277 I still say his fours look like sixes. 459 00:28:57,007 --> 00:28:58,918 (BLUE SUEDE SHOES PLAYING) 460 00:28:59,567 --> 00:29:01,478 Campbell, I told you, I'm just going to go and find out 461 00:29:01,567 --> 00:29:02,557 what they thought of the pilot. 462 00:29:02,647 --> 00:29:04,479 But what if they make us an offer on the spot? 463 00:29:04,567 --> 00:29:05,557 Then I'll take it on the spot. 464 00:29:05,647 --> 00:29:07,718 On what terms? We've got to be clear on this. 465 00:29:07,807 --> 00:29:09,604 Aye, and I've written it all down for you, so I have. 466 00:29:09,687 --> 00:29:11,280 I've got to go! 467 00:29:11,367 --> 00:29:13,517 Number one, "What exactly is on offer?" 468 00:29:13,607 --> 00:29:15,643 Number two, "Will there be a trial period?" 469 00:29:15,727 --> 00:29:18,605 I'm telling you, Campbell, there's not gonna be an offer at this meeting. 470 00:29:18,687 --> 00:29:21,998 -Number three, "If so, for how long?" -And do you have to wear that jacket? 471 00:29:22,087 --> 00:29:23,520 -What's wrong with it? -Number four, 472 00:29:23,607 --> 00:29:25,006 "If there is a trial period, 473 00:29:25,087 --> 00:29:27,840 "will the contract be non-exclusive during that time?" 474 00:29:27,927 --> 00:29:30,157 It makes you look like a double glazing salesman. 475 00:29:30,247 --> 00:29:32,761 Number five, "What will the format of the show be?" 476 00:29:32,847 --> 00:29:34,201 CAMPBELL: This could be it. 477 00:29:34,287 --> 00:29:37,006 Look, there's nobody listening to me. I took the trouble to make this list 478 00:29:37,087 --> 00:29:39,601 and I don't want you to go out of here without it, all right? 479 00:29:39,687 --> 00:29:41,723 I'll treasure it always. 480 00:29:41,927 --> 00:29:43,724 See you tonight. 481 00:29:50,367 --> 00:29:51,641 Mr McKenna. 482 00:30:11,727 --> 00:30:13,843 -That's Mr McKenna. -All right. 483 00:30:18,087 --> 00:30:19,486 Eddie. 484 00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:21,319 You couldn't get us a couple of coffees, could you, Fiona? 485 00:30:21,407 --> 00:30:22,601 Sure. 486 00:30:23,287 --> 00:30:24,925 Coffee, huh? Hmm. 487 00:30:25,567 --> 00:30:27,683 -Sorry? -It's Campbell's theory. 488 00:30:27,767 --> 00:30:31,601 If they offer lunch, it's good news, just coffee and it's bad. 489 00:30:35,047 --> 00:30:38,642 I'm waiting for you to tell me that's a really stupid theory. 490 00:30:38,727 --> 00:30:42,038 I thought you'd be waiting to hear how much we liked your pilot. 491 00:30:42,127 --> 00:30:45,005 I am? I mean, you did? 492 00:30:45,367 --> 00:30:46,402 We played it again at our meeting 493 00:30:46,487 --> 00:30:48,478 with the head of entertainment yesterday. 494 00:30:48,567 --> 00:30:53,687 A couple of us felt it was a bit raw, but that's part of its charm, really. 495 00:30:53,767 --> 00:30:56,406 Aye, well, that's us, raw charm. 496 00:30:57,407 --> 00:31:00,763 As I said, there isn't really anything coming up at the moment. 497 00:31:00,847 --> 00:31:03,600 But we did discuss the possibility of trying you out. 498 00:31:03,687 --> 00:31:06,486 Getting you to fill in for one of our regular DJs on holiday 499 00:31:06,567 --> 00:31:09,320 or at short notice. How would you feel about that? 500 00:31:09,407 --> 00:31:12,524 We'd... We'd feel pretty great about that. 501 00:31:12,807 --> 00:31:16,721 Yes. Although, there was some discussion at the meeting... 502 00:31:16,807 --> 00:31:19,162 This doesn't come from me, I hasten to add. 503 00:31:19,247 --> 00:31:23,798 But there were certain reservations expressed about Campbell. 504 00:31:24,527 --> 00:31:26,040 About Campbell? 505 00:31:26,527 --> 00:31:29,804 I mean, I know he's young and inexperienced, 506 00:31:29,887 --> 00:31:33,562 but the kid's a natural. He's got a gift. 507 00:31:33,887 --> 00:31:36,526 He's also got a mental health problem. 508 00:31:37,647 --> 00:31:41,322 I think there was some concern that he might prove to be 509 00:31:42,607 --> 00:31:44,006 unreliable. 510 00:31:45,367 --> 00:31:49,201 The guy has practically created the hospital station single-handed. 511 00:31:49,287 --> 00:31:52,120 He just happens to be a manic depressive. 512 00:31:53,207 --> 00:31:55,084 He also happens to be 513 00:31:55,167 --> 00:31:58,796 young, hungry and extremely talented. 514 00:31:59,247 --> 00:32:02,125 As I said, it's not my personal view, Eddie. 515 00:32:02,447 --> 00:32:05,280 But we did wonder, should a fill-in slot come up, 516 00:32:05,367 --> 00:32:08,803 if you would consider taking the show on your own? 517 00:32:09,207 --> 00:32:10,242 No. 518 00:32:17,567 --> 00:32:19,285 No, I wouldnae. 519 00:32:20,167 --> 00:32:21,839 That's very loyal of you. 520 00:32:22,407 --> 00:32:24,045 It's not loyalty. 521 00:32:24,967 --> 00:32:26,958 He's funnier than me. 522 00:32:29,407 --> 00:32:31,079 We'll be in touch. 523 00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:46,556 Francine? Eddie's here. 524 00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:48,760 (KITTEN MEOWING) 525 00:32:52,807 --> 00:32:54,320 Okay. 526 00:33:06,647 --> 00:33:08,763 I had to bring them in, Eddie. 527 00:33:08,847 --> 00:33:12,203 McTavish didn't come back, and they'd have froze through the night. 528 00:33:12,287 --> 00:33:13,959 They weren't safe. 529 00:33:15,447 --> 00:33:17,961 You cannae keep them here, Francine. 530 00:33:18,447 --> 00:33:20,244 Not indefinitely. 531 00:33:20,327 --> 00:33:23,001 I know. But I'll be getting out soon. 532 00:33:23,767 --> 00:33:25,883 I've been really well, eh? 533 00:33:25,967 --> 00:33:28,436 Aye. Aye, you have. 534 00:33:28,527 --> 00:33:33,362 And most of the patients are in on it. We've even soundproofed the locker. 535 00:33:34,647 --> 00:33:38,162 I just wouldn't want anything to happen to them. 536 00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:41,679 Nothing's gonna happen to these wee ones, Eddie. 537 00:33:41,767 --> 00:33:43,200 They're safe. 538 00:33:50,207 --> 00:33:52,357 Francine, who's Uncle Frank? 539 00:33:58,447 --> 00:33:59,721 Nobody. 540 00:34:02,247 --> 00:34:05,285 Just somebody who used to hang about the house. 541 00:34:08,687 --> 00:34:12,601 My Auntie Rose died of cancer when I was too young to remember. 542 00:34:13,287 --> 00:34:17,644 After Ma died, Uncle Frank used to come round a lot to see my da. 543 00:34:19,607 --> 00:34:22,565 He used to buy me loads of presents and that. 544 00:34:24,287 --> 00:34:28,360 On Saturdays, they'd play cards and get absolutely steaming. 545 00:34:28,447 --> 00:34:31,997 And Uncle Frank would stay over and sleep on the settee. 546 00:34:38,927 --> 00:34:40,804 Except one night. 547 00:34:43,647 --> 00:34:45,877 He didn't sleep on the settee. 548 00:34:48,327 --> 00:34:50,079 He slept with you. 549 00:34:56,367 --> 00:34:58,164 I was nine years old. 550 00:35:01,047 --> 00:35:03,959 Uncle Frank never slept on the settee again. 551 00:35:06,967 --> 00:35:09,117 I used to hide sometimes. 552 00:35:10,767 --> 00:35:12,917 I'd kid on I was asleep. 553 00:35:15,287 --> 00:35:17,517 I used to call out for my da. 554 00:35:18,527 --> 00:35:20,518 I could hear him snoring. 555 00:35:21,767 --> 00:35:23,963 But he never came to help me. 556 00:35:29,927 --> 00:35:32,919 He was my da and he should have kept me safe. 557 00:35:35,767 --> 00:35:38,202 But he never seemed to notice. 558 00:35:47,287 --> 00:35:49,198 Until you got pregnant. 559 00:35:54,807 --> 00:35:57,401 He never believed me when I told him. 560 00:35:58,367 --> 00:36:00,164 He called me a whore. 561 00:36:01,007 --> 00:36:02,486 I was fifteen. 562 00:36:08,207 --> 00:36:10,721 I messed myself when Jamie was born. 563 00:36:12,367 --> 00:36:14,961 Midwife said loads of women do that. 564 00:36:16,487 --> 00:36:17,920 I don't know. 565 00:36:20,847 --> 00:36:23,202 But, see, when they gave me him to hold, Eddie, 566 00:36:23,287 --> 00:36:25,961 he was just that beautiful. 567 00:36:32,287 --> 00:36:34,562 And I knew I had to let him go. 568 00:36:36,967 --> 00:36:40,084 So that he could be safe. 569 00:36:50,767 --> 00:36:52,041 (CRYING) 570 00:37:28,967 --> 00:37:30,685 CAMPBELL: Dettol, scourer. ROSALIE: Check. Check. 571 00:37:30,767 --> 00:37:32,485 Toilet bleach. 572 00:37:32,687 --> 00:37:35,156 Don't touch it, I'll get it. Check. 573 00:37:35,327 --> 00:37:37,318 Toothbrush, toothpaste, soap and hairbrush. 574 00:37:37,407 --> 00:37:39,523 Check, check, check, check. 575 00:37:40,327 --> 00:37:43,638 Well, I suppose this is cheerio. 576 00:37:48,887 --> 00:37:49,956 Good luck, huh? 577 00:37:50,047 --> 00:37:52,038 I want yo use to notice that I shook hands with you lot 578 00:37:52,127 --> 00:37:54,596 without the use of major tranquillisers, which just goes to show 579 00:37:54,687 --> 00:37:56,678 how well I am these days. 580 00:38:01,087 --> 00:38:04,398 Come on, I'm going to work. I'll give you a lift in. 581 00:38:13,247 --> 00:38:14,646 Come on, we'll get you settled in. 582 00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:17,366 No, I don't want you to go in, Eddie. 583 00:38:26,967 --> 00:38:28,844 See you soon, then. 584 00:38:47,167 --> 00:38:50,717 McKenna, I want to talk to you and I want to talk to you now. 585 00:38:50,807 --> 00:38:53,162 -Aye, sir. -And you know why I want to talk to you? 586 00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:55,522 -Please don't make me... -Guess. 587 00:38:55,967 --> 00:38:58,197 -To sack me? -Sack you? 588 00:38:59,767 --> 00:39:02,679 Why would I want to sack the best damn salesman 589 00:39:02,767 --> 00:39:07,079 the Strathclyde region of Twinview Windows has ever had? 590 00:39:08,127 --> 00:39:12,644 This man is the best damn salesman the Strathclyde region 591 00:39:12,727 --> 00:39:15,560 of Twinview Windows has ever had. 592 00:39:16,567 --> 00:39:20,526 Today, the district council accepted our tender 593 00:39:20,807 --> 00:39:24,357 for £35,000 worth of windows now 594 00:39:25,327 --> 00:39:29,207 and £86,000 worth in the new year. Hmm? 595 00:39:30,527 --> 00:39:35,396 # For he's a jolly good fellow 596 00:39:35,487 --> 00:39:36,681 Sing. 597 00:39:36,767 --> 00:39:40,203 ALL: # For he's a jolly good fellow 598 00:39:40,287 --> 00:39:44,326 # For he's a jolly good fellow 599 00:39:44,407 --> 00:39:46,876 # And so say all of us # 600 00:39:46,967 --> 00:39:48,639 (ALL APPLAUDING) 601 00:39:49,567 --> 00:39:51,956 Speech, huh? Speech. 602 00:39:52,047 --> 00:39:54,436 -No. -Make a speech, damn it. 603 00:39:54,767 --> 00:39:56,166 Um... 604 00:39:56,247 --> 00:40:00,036 Well, I'd just like to thank everybody who helped with the tender. 605 00:40:00,127 --> 00:40:02,960 -Especially Mr Griffin. -Especially Mr Griffin. 606 00:40:03,047 --> 00:40:05,766 Who did all the work. Checked and double-checked everything 607 00:40:05,847 --> 00:40:08,282 while you did exactly what, McKenna? 608 00:40:08,367 --> 00:40:11,837 MacAteer, if anyone needs to have their work checked 609 00:40:11,967 --> 00:40:14,276 and double-checked, it's you. 610 00:40:14,367 --> 00:40:18,440 I have just had Links Business Systems of Paisley on the phone to me 611 00:40:18,527 --> 00:40:20,723 complaining very loudly about your quotation 612 00:40:20,807 --> 00:40:23,765 being 35% higher than your estimate. 613 00:40:23,847 --> 00:40:25,519 -That's rubbish. -I checked it myself. 614 00:40:25,607 --> 00:40:27,837 Good God, man, even the sums don't add up. 615 00:40:27,927 --> 00:40:29,918 These are not my figures. 616 00:40:30,087 --> 00:40:31,566 What were you on when you typed this up? 617 00:40:31,647 --> 00:40:32,796 Don't try and blame the lassie. 618 00:40:32,887 --> 00:40:35,083 I typed up exactly what you wrote. 619 00:40:35,167 --> 00:40:37,636 You've just become too damn cocky, MacAteer! 620 00:40:37,727 --> 00:40:39,320 Someone's been tampering with my figures. 621 00:40:39,407 --> 00:40:43,605 So I told him we're going to send our top salesman to do a new quotation 622 00:40:43,687 --> 00:40:47,123 and this time, by God, it'll tally with the estimate. 623 00:40:48,167 --> 00:40:50,078 What about it, McKenna? 624 00:40:52,847 --> 00:40:54,804 Eddie, Jesus, where have you been? 625 00:40:54,887 --> 00:40:57,242 -Working. What's up? -How did you not tell me about this? 626 00:40:57,327 --> 00:40:58,681 -How'd you not warn me? -About what? 627 00:40:58,767 --> 00:41:00,360 Paula has been on the phone to me today. 628 00:41:00,447 --> 00:41:01,516 Oh. 629 00:41:01,607 --> 00:41:03,120 She seemed to think I knew all about it. 630 00:41:03,207 --> 00:41:05,004 "Aye," I said, "He told me all about your meeting." 631 00:41:05,087 --> 00:41:07,999 But it seems, there was a few wee details you left out. 632 00:41:08,087 --> 00:41:09,441 -I'm sorry, I... -I know what you thought. 633 00:41:09,527 --> 00:41:12,326 You thought I'd just get agitated. I'm a manic depressive, so how not? 634 00:41:12,407 --> 00:41:15,126 -That's not what I thought. -But did you never stop to consider 635 00:41:15,207 --> 00:41:18,802 that one day, a fish bone might get stuck in the throat of history, 636 00:41:18,887 --> 00:41:20,684 and that we'd be standing here, like we are now, 637 00:41:20,767 --> 00:41:23,566 at the door of destiny and totally unprepared for it? 638 00:41:23,647 --> 00:41:25,718 What are you talking about? 639 00:41:26,127 --> 00:41:29,677 The fish bone, the one that got stuck in David Thompson's throat. 640 00:41:29,767 --> 00:41:32,236 -Who? -Their Sunday afternoon DJ. 641 00:41:32,327 --> 00:41:35,604 He got a fish bone stuck in his throat last night, was rushed to casualty, 642 00:41:35,687 --> 00:41:38,884 and they've asked us to take his Gold Show today. 643 00:41:41,367 --> 00:41:43,927 -I'm not ready. -Neither am I, but we have to go for it. 644 00:41:44,007 --> 00:41:46,043 No. No, I'm really not ready. 645 00:41:46,127 --> 00:41:47,720 Paula said we could use David's running order, 646 00:41:47,807 --> 00:41:49,684 but if we leave now, we can choose some stuff ourselves. 647 00:41:49,767 --> 00:41:50,802 I'm not ready. 648 00:41:50,887 --> 00:41:52,559 She said she'll be there to take us through everything. 649 00:41:52,647 --> 00:41:54,046 And you don't have to worry about here. 650 00:41:54,127 --> 00:41:55,959 Francine's gonna be taking our show straight off the air. 651 00:41:56,047 --> 00:41:58,197 I'm not ready, Campbell. 652 00:41:58,927 --> 00:42:01,965 Eddie, you've been waiting for this moment most of your life. 653 00:42:02,047 --> 00:42:04,197 When exactly did you think you'd be ready? 654 00:42:04,287 --> 00:42:05,766 Now, let's go. 655 00:42:14,047 --> 00:42:15,241 (GULPS) 656 00:42:39,967 --> 00:42:41,400 You're ready. 657 00:42:42,327 --> 00:42:44,238 Eddie, come on. 658 00:42:48,447 --> 00:42:50,483 (GET READY PLAYING) 659 00:43:03,327 --> 00:43:06,160 -Hi. -Hi. 660 00:43:14,927 --> 00:43:16,360 -Evening. -Hiya. 661 00:43:16,447 --> 00:43:17,482 Hi. 662 00:43:31,167 --> 00:43:34,444 Kicking off The Gold Show and standing in for David Thompson 663 00:43:34,527 --> 00:43:37,724 is me, Campbell Bain, and Dr Boogie, 664 00:43:37,807 --> 00:43:40,321 professor of pop, soul, and rock and roll. 665 00:43:40,407 --> 00:43:42,967 In today's competition, we invite you to pit your wits 666 00:43:43,047 --> 00:43:45,118 against the master of hits himself. 667 00:43:45,207 --> 00:43:48,916 If you can ask me any verifiable question on any of the titles 668 00:43:49,007 --> 00:43:53,285 that we play today that I cannae answer, you win the grand prize! 669 00:43:53,367 --> 00:43:57,076 "What is the grand prize?" you ask. I'm holding in my hand a rare copy 670 00:43:57,167 --> 00:44:01,160 of Mandolins in the Moonlight by Perry Como from 1958. 671 00:44:01,247 --> 00:44:04,797 And unless you can stump Dr Boogie, we're actually going to play it! 672 00:44:04,887 --> 00:44:11,725 How about it, gold diggers? Just phone 0413579719 to try and stop me! 673 00:44:12,127 --> 00:44:14,163 (DON'T PLAY THAT SONG PLAYING) 674 00:44:31,847 --> 00:44:33,724 And, no, caller. I'm afraid Jim Morrison 675 00:44:33,807 --> 00:44:35,320 couldn't have written Bright Side of the Road... 676 00:44:35,407 --> 00:44:37,682 Because he was dead at the time, right, Dr Boogie? 677 00:44:37,767 --> 00:44:40,645 Aye, a definite liability, but it did give Van Morrison 678 00:44:40,727 --> 00:44:42,365 a chance to write it instead. 679 00:44:44,727 --> 00:44:46,047 Is that the BBC? 680 00:44:46,127 --> 00:44:47,356 Well, unless you can prove that 681 00:44:47,447 --> 00:44:49,961 Wilson Pickett had a boa constrictor called Hugo, 682 00:44:50,047 --> 00:44:51,480 I'm going to have to disqualify that. 683 00:45:00,367 --> 00:45:02,927 And it's become one of the most covered songs in rock and roll 684 00:45:03,007 --> 00:45:04,725 since Elvis' death. 685 00:45:06,527 --> 00:45:10,316 Aye. 1977. It was in all the papers. 686 00:45:11,927 --> 00:45:13,804 And it's 3:47. 687 00:45:13,887 --> 00:45:17,277 Still 13 minutes left to try and stump Dr Boogie, 688 00:45:17,367 --> 00:45:19,324 if you can. 689 00:45:21,007 --> 00:45:23,078 (KITTEN MEOWING) 690 00:45:39,607 --> 00:45:41,757 (ALL CHEERING) 691 00:45:51,567 --> 00:45:54,161 Friends! Loonies. 692 00:45:54,247 --> 00:45:57,524 As Neil Armstrong said on that fateful day 693 00:45:57,607 --> 00:46:00,201 when he first put his foot on the moon, 694 00:46:00,287 --> 00:46:03,564 "We are loonies, and we are proud!" 695 00:46:03,647 --> 00:46:06,366 ALL: We are loonies, and we are proud! 696 00:46:06,447 --> 00:46:09,724 We are loonies, and we are proud! 697 00:46:09,807 --> 00:46:12,719 We are loonies, and we are proud! 698 00:46:12,807 --> 00:46:15,560 We are loonies, and we are proud! 699 00:46:15,647 --> 00:46:19,686 -We are loonies, and we are proud! -No! 700 00:46:19,767 --> 00:46:23,237 No! Leave them alone! Stop! 701 00:46:23,327 --> 00:46:26,956 You can't take them! No! You cannae take them! 702 00:46:27,047 --> 00:46:29,436 -Easy! -You can't take... You cannae take them! 703 00:46:30,927 --> 00:46:33,282 You can't take them! Please don't! 704 00:46:33,367 --> 00:46:37,406 -Let go, will ya? Let go! -No! No! 705 00:46:37,487 --> 00:46:39,796 -Let her go! -No! 706 00:46:40,167 --> 00:46:41,361 Please! 707 00:46:41,647 --> 00:46:43,797 I've waited ages to do this. 708 00:46:44,567 --> 00:46:50,802 FRANCINE: No! Please don't go! No! Let me go! 709 00:46:52,767 --> 00:46:55,520 Do you want me to do something for that? 710 00:46:57,207 --> 00:46:59,516 Do you realise what you've done? 711 00:47:01,927 --> 00:47:04,919 Does nobody realise what they've done? 712 00:47:25,327 --> 00:47:27,762 (TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS PLAYING) 713 00:47:52,967 --> 00:47:54,639 Ah...