1
00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:03,679
Okay, how about this one?

2
00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:06,042
A group of loonies go on a day trip,
and on the way back,

3
00:00:06,127 --> 00:00:07,526
they stop at a pub for a drink.

4
00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:09,518
I think that's enough, Campbell, eh?

5
00:00:09,607 --> 00:00:12,167
One of the loonies comes running up to
the nurse saying, "Nurse, nurse,

6
00:00:12,247 --> 00:00:16,286
"that barmaid smiled at me."
So the nurse says, "Well, smile back."

7
00:00:16,367 --> 00:00:19,086
So the loony goes away,
but he's back five minutes later

8
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:21,442
saying, "Nurse, nurse,
that barmaid winked at me."

9
00:00:21,527 --> 00:00:23,518
So the nurse says, "Well, wink back."

10
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,201
So he's away again,
but he's back 10 minutes later saying,

11
00:00:26,287 --> 00:00:29,677
"Nurse, nurse, that barmaid,
she showed me her bosoms."

12
00:00:29,767 --> 00:00:32,361
So the nurse says,
"Well, show her your nuts."

13
00:00:32,487 --> 00:00:35,126
So he's away again, straight up
to the barmaid and goes...

14
00:00:35,207 --> 00:00:37,164
(SCREAMS)

15
00:00:38,847 --> 00:00:40,679
Do you not get it?

16
00:00:40,767 --> 00:00:43,566
The nurse says, "Show her your nuts,"
and he does.

17
00:00:43,647 --> 00:00:44,967
(CAMPBELL LAUGHING)

18
00:00:45,047 --> 00:00:46,640
All right, Campbell.

19
00:00:50,287 --> 00:00:52,642
Have they found my kittens yet?

20
00:00:55,647 --> 00:00:57,479
Francine, I told you.

21
00:00:58,447 --> 00:00:59,960
They were sick.

22
00:01:04,447 --> 00:01:07,007
(CALIFORNIA DREAMIN' PLAYING)

23
00:01:51,287 --> 00:01:53,198
Thanks for the lift.

24
00:01:56,127 --> 00:02:00,519
She'll be all right, you know.
The wee girl's tougher than you think.

25
00:02:01,727 --> 00:02:02,842
Maybe.

26
00:02:04,287 --> 00:02:06,244
I listened to your show on Sunday night,
by the way.

27
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,239
I thought you and Campbell
were wondrous.

28
00:02:09,327 --> 00:02:11,602
Are you going to be famous now?

29
00:02:12,087 --> 00:02:14,396
-I don't think so.
-Why not?

30
00:02:17,207 --> 00:02:19,482
I don't know. I think we've blown it.

31
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:21,285
The producer left
before the show was over,

32
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,802
and nobody's been in touch since.

33
00:02:33,767 --> 00:02:35,166
How are you?

34
00:02:53,287 --> 00:02:55,244
(DOOR UNLOCKING)

35
00:02:58,167 --> 00:03:01,205
Caretaker let me in.
I told him I was your man.

36
00:03:01,967 --> 00:03:06,438
The caretaker would've let you in if you
told him you was the Yorkshire Ripper.

37
00:03:06,527 --> 00:03:10,520
-So, this is where you're living now?
-Aye.

38
00:03:10,967 --> 00:03:13,163
-It's not much, but...
-Not much?

39
00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:15,966
Men doing 10-to-life
live better than this.

40
00:03:16,047 --> 00:03:18,118
What did you come here for?

41
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:20,764
I want you to come home.

42
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,245
I want you to just take the drugs
like we agreed, eh?

43
00:03:24,327 --> 00:03:26,477
I can't do that.

44
00:03:27,367 --> 00:03:28,561
How not?

45
00:03:29,487 --> 00:03:33,685
I'm not going to take any more
of this crapola.

46
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:37,637
You're not going to take it?
I'm not going to take it.

47
00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:41,760
What am I supposed to tell folks
when they ask after you?

48
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,918
That you're living in
a whore's drug den?

49
00:03:44,007 --> 00:03:46,123
Tripping over syringes in the stairs?

50
00:03:46,207 --> 00:03:48,004
And using
your industrial-strength Dettol

51
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:51,404
to cover up the smell
of stale spunk and dog shite?

52
00:03:52,847 --> 00:03:55,486
It's nice to know you worry about me.

53
00:03:56,847 --> 00:03:59,998
-You cannae stay here, Rosalie.
-I know.

54
00:04:01,527 --> 00:04:06,476
I'm going to Hillcrest,
"in a leafy, suburban setting

55
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:09,161
"close to shops and transport."

56
00:04:11,607 --> 00:04:14,201
You can help me move in if you want.

57
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,039
Mr Griffin?

58
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:21,766
Call you tonight. McKenna.

59
00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:24,726
How's my top salesman
this afternoon, eh?

60
00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:27,242
I'm still just learning, sir.

61
00:04:27,327 --> 00:04:31,400
You're going to be my right-hand man
from now on, McKenna.

62
00:04:31,487 --> 00:04:34,399
The district council scheme
starts work next week.

63
00:04:34,487 --> 00:04:36,284
There's plenty more
where that came from.

64
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:39,359
Money in the bank, McKenna.
Money in the bank.

65
00:04:39,727 --> 00:04:42,287
I was wondering just when

66
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:46,759
the district council commission
would actually be in the bank.

67
00:04:46,847 --> 00:04:48,519
I know what it's like, McKenna.

68
00:04:48,607 --> 00:04:51,963
You want to get out there
and buy that red sports car, eh?

69
00:04:52,047 --> 00:04:56,166
That NICAM stereo, big-screen telly
and video system.

70
00:04:56,247 --> 00:04:58,318
Is that true or am I right?

71
00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:01,318
Aye...

72
00:05:01,407 --> 00:05:05,002
My grandmother is emigrating.
She needs £3,000.

73
00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:10,639
McKenna, I'm going to tell you something

74
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:14,322
that I've never told any other salesman
in this company.

75
00:05:16,047 --> 00:05:17,879
I was married once.

76
00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:19,161
-Are you married?
-No, sir.

77
00:05:19,247 --> 00:05:23,400
Then take my advice.
Don't ever get married.

78
00:05:23,687 --> 00:05:27,237
The biggest liability
a salesman can have is a wife.

79
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,557
They suck the life out of you.

80
00:05:29,927 --> 00:05:33,807
Margaret was always on about me
not spending enough time at home.

81
00:05:33,887 --> 00:05:35,798
She said, "Gordon"... My name's Gordon.

82
00:05:35,887 --> 00:05:37,684
-But don't ever call me that.
-No, sir.

83
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:40,679
She said, "Gordon, there's
a parent-teacher meeting."

84
00:05:40,767 --> 00:05:42,644
And I said, "I have to sell windows."

85
00:05:42,727 --> 00:05:45,480
She said, "Your son's been fighting,"
and I said, "I've got to sell windows."

86
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:48,366
She said, "Your daughter's on drugs,"
and I said, "I have to sell windows,"

87
00:05:48,447 --> 00:05:51,280
and when she finally up and left,
do you know what I said to myself?

88
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:52,721
"I've got to sell windows."

89
00:05:52,807 --> 00:05:53,842
(CHUCKLING)

90
00:05:53,927 --> 00:05:57,397
I said, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

91
00:05:57,887 --> 00:06:01,004
Because she was trying to
drag me down, McKenna.

92
00:06:01,087 --> 00:06:04,159
Just as sure as if she was working
for the competition.

93
00:06:04,247 --> 00:06:06,807
Which I suspected she might have been
when I thought about it,

94
00:06:06,887 --> 00:06:08,684
since she spent longer
than I thought decent

95
00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:12,760
talking to another glaze rep
at a double glazing convention once.

96
00:06:13,487 --> 00:06:16,206
I'm speaking to you
as a father to his son.

97
00:06:16,287 --> 00:06:19,837
Don't ever let personal concerns
drag you down.

98
00:06:19,927 --> 00:06:24,319
If you must, then let them pull you up
to be the best salesman you can be.

99
00:06:24,407 --> 00:06:26,921
You want to help your grandmother?
Go out and sell windows.

100
00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:30,397
You want quick money?
Sell domestic installations.

101
00:06:30,487 --> 00:06:32,603
So what are you going to do?

102
00:06:32,687 --> 00:06:34,519
-I'm gonna sell windows.
-I can't hear you.

103
00:06:34,607 --> 00:06:35,642
I'm gonna sell windows.

104
00:06:35,727 --> 00:06:37,445
That doesn't sound like
my right-hand man.

105
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:41,122
-I'm gonna sell windows!
-That's my boy!

106
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:45,963
Good afternoon.
I'm Edward McKenna of Twinview Windows.

107
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:48,197
We've been left with the stock
from a cancelled order

108
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:52,121
and can give you a really good deal.
And we'll offer them absolutely free,

109
00:06:52,207 --> 00:06:55,199
except for the cost of materials,
in return for putting up

110
00:06:55,287 --> 00:06:58,677
this wee "Windows by Twinview" sign
in the front of your home.

111
00:06:58,767 --> 00:07:02,078
We've been looking for properties
to use as show houses in the area.

112
00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:04,966
I couldn't help but notice
what a lovely garden you've got.

113
00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:08,483
I'm afraid I'm only authorised to offer
this discount tonight and tonight only.

114
00:07:08,567 --> 00:07:11,286
Well, you're only fitted once.

115
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:16,362
(ECHOING) And you'll
never regret Twinview.

116
00:07:17,447 --> 00:07:18,516
I've got some work to do.

117
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:21,838
I'll just sit here and do it
while you two have a wee chat.

118
00:07:21,927 --> 00:07:26,558
(ECHOING) Well, you're only fitted once,
and you'll never regret Twinview.

119
00:07:39,847 --> 00:07:42,964
Well, that's about all we have
time for tonight.

120
00:07:43,687 --> 00:07:47,919
Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night
for Campbell Bain's Looney Tunes Show.

121
00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:50,522
(LOONEY TUNES THEME PLAYING)

122
00:07:51,607 --> 00:07:53,962
Eddie, where the hell have you been?

123
00:07:54,047 --> 00:07:56,482
-Sorry I'm late.
-Late?

124
00:07:56,567 --> 00:08:00,606
-You've missed the whole bloody show.
-I've been working.

125
00:08:00,687 --> 00:08:03,759
Don't have to catch every one of
your shows from start to finish, do I?

126
00:08:03,847 --> 00:08:05,883
It was your show.

127
00:08:07,407 --> 00:08:08,601
It was?

128
00:08:09,807 --> 00:08:11,445
Look, I'm sorry.

129
00:08:12,247 --> 00:08:14,807
I had a few bevvies.
I didn't want to drive.

130
00:08:14,887 --> 00:08:16,446
A couple of bevvies?

131
00:08:16,527 --> 00:08:19,087
You look like you've been
on a three-day binge.

132
00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:21,317
Look, Campbell. I'm a salesman.

133
00:08:21,407 --> 00:08:24,877
That's what I get paid for.
I don't get paid for coming here.

134
00:08:24,967 --> 00:08:28,483
Well, I don't think
that's a very professional attitude.

135
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:31,636
What do I need
a professional attitude for?

136
00:08:31,727 --> 00:08:34,685
For when you go to lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.

137
00:08:35,327 --> 00:08:38,080
She's been trying to get
in touch with you for days.

138
00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:39,361
Jesus!

139
00:08:40,127 --> 00:08:42,038
Lunch, Eddie, lunch.

140
00:08:42,127 --> 00:08:44,516
And then she said, "I probably
shouldn't be saying this yet,

141
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:47,326
"but I think I'm going to have
good news for you."

142
00:08:47,407 --> 00:08:48,886
I cannae. You go, Campbell.

143
00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,800
She specifically said she wanted
to have lunch with you.

144
00:08:51,887 --> 00:08:53,878
-I cannae do it.
-How not?

145
00:08:55,847 --> 00:08:56,996
I've been waiting for this all my life.

146
00:08:57,087 --> 00:08:59,761
If I went to lunch and came out
with nothing, I don't know what I'd do.

147
00:08:59,847 --> 00:09:04,398
-You'll not come out with nothing.
-Aye. Just make sure she pays for lunch.

148
00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:09,756
Lunch.

149
00:09:11,807 --> 00:09:15,880
-Hang on. We must have passed it.
-Are you sure?

150
00:09:16,487 --> 00:09:19,400
No, you're right.
It's further up the hill.

151
00:09:19,487 --> 00:09:20,920
What have you got in these, anyway, eh?

152
00:09:21,007 --> 00:09:23,237
That one's got my clothes
and household effects

153
00:09:23,327 --> 00:09:25,523
and that one's got my Dettol.

154
00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:28,963
No. I'm sure this isn't right.

155
00:09:29,047 --> 00:09:31,641
We should have crossed
a big road by now.

156
00:09:31,727 --> 00:09:35,846
-I'm going to have to ask
somebody.
-You can't just tap any door you see.

157
00:09:35,927 --> 00:09:37,645
(DOORBELL RINGING)

158
00:09:38,727 --> 00:09:40,684
We're sorry to bother you,
but I'm new to the neighbourhood.

159
00:09:40,767 --> 00:09:42,997
Do you know where Hillcrest is?

160
00:09:43,087 --> 00:09:44,236
Going to have a look for yourself, then?

161
00:09:44,327 --> 00:09:46,602
-Aye.
-It's just up the road, on your right.

162
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,758
You'll positively weep when you see it.

163
00:09:48,847 --> 00:09:51,566
First lot are supposed to be
moving in any day now.

164
00:09:51,647 --> 00:09:55,197
Dr Brown's running a community meeting
on Friday if you'd like to come along.

165
00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:56,561
Aye, so I would.

166
00:09:56,647 --> 00:09:59,116
I'll pop in with some leaflets
if you'd like. What's your address?

167
00:09:59,207 --> 00:10:01,437
Number 5, Hillcrest.

168
00:10:01,527 --> 00:10:04,838
My name is Rosalie, by the way.
Nice to meet a neighbour so soon.

169
00:10:07,567 --> 00:10:10,161
Rosalie, listen.
You cannae move in here.

170
00:10:10,247 --> 00:10:12,886
-Why not?
-They don't want you here.

171
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:16,803
They put up all those posters
to tell you they don't want you here.

172
00:10:16,887 --> 00:10:18,002
You cannae stay where you're not wanted.

173
00:10:18,087 --> 00:10:21,284
Oh, I know. That's why I'm moving.

174
00:10:24,327 --> 00:10:26,841
Oh, look at this, Jim!

175
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:30,807
It's a palace.
There's gardens and everything.

176
00:10:32,847 --> 00:10:36,124
Robbie would have
loved a place like this.

177
00:10:39,047 --> 00:10:42,278
We should have had
another baby after Robbie died.

178
00:10:44,607 --> 00:10:49,124
-Why did we never have another baby?
-'Cause we stopped sleeping together.

179
00:10:54,887 --> 00:10:56,878
(BRIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD PLAYING)

180
00:10:57,567 --> 00:11:00,684
Grandma, good morning.
I'm making breakfast.

181
00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:05,357
You don't even eat breakfast.
You drink only.

182
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:08,200
Today I'm making breakfast. Sit.

183
00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,039
(SWITCHES OFF)

184
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:18,802
Okay. What is it?

185
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:20,965
When you were a wee boy,
you make breakfast

186
00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:23,561
only when there's bad news with you
from school.

187
00:11:23,647 --> 00:11:28,642
Grandma, I promise you,
there's no bad news for me from school.

188
00:11:28,727 --> 00:11:31,116
Then what, Eddie?
I don't know you like this.

189
00:11:31,207 --> 00:11:35,405
That's because I'm happy.
I know, it's a new experience,

190
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:38,798
but we're just going to have to
get used to it because next week

191
00:11:38,887 --> 00:11:43,279
I am going to have lunch
with Paula Kinghorn.

192
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:47,360
Of course! You are in love.

193
00:11:47,447 --> 00:11:50,678
Oh, Eddie. This is wonderful news.

194
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:54,920
-No, Grandma. I'm just going to lunch.
-Oh, dinner is better. More romantic.

195
00:11:55,007 --> 00:11:56,839
-Grandma!
-I go to Lithuania next week,

196
00:11:56,927 --> 00:11:59,885
but still is time to get
special licence. I call priest.

197
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:03,039
Grandma, she is Senior Producer
at Radio Scotland.

198
00:12:03,127 --> 00:12:07,166
And you are hotshot salesman.
You have nothing to be ashamed.

199
00:12:07,247 --> 00:12:10,763
Grandma, it's a business meeting,
not a date.

200
00:12:10,847 --> 00:12:12,440
You're going to sell her windows?

201
00:12:12,527 --> 00:12:16,566
Grandma, she might be offering me
a job at Radio Scotland.

202
00:12:16,647 --> 00:12:19,639
You stupid boy. You stupid, stupid boy!

203
00:12:19,727 --> 00:12:21,843
-Ow!
-You have job.

204
00:12:21,927 --> 00:12:23,326
But not the job I want.

205
00:12:23,407 --> 00:12:26,524
God didn't put you on earth
to have the job you want.

206
00:12:26,607 --> 00:12:28,643
He put you on earth to suffer.

207
00:12:28,727 --> 00:12:31,287
Aye, and I've suffered.
But you see this?

208
00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:32,596
This is a smile.

209
00:12:32,687 --> 00:12:35,440
And you see that?
That is a wee sparkle in my eye.

210
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:38,326
And I shaved first thing this morning.
I ironed this shirt.

211
00:12:38,407 --> 00:12:41,046
And I haven't had a drink
since yesterday afternoon.

212
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:43,124
-And you're happy?
-Aye.

213
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:45,198
And you're not in love?

214
00:12:46,487 --> 00:12:49,365
-No.
-Then you are a fool!

215
00:12:52,847 --> 00:12:55,919
(WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE? PLAYING)

216
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:20,357
Okay, you boys wait here.
I'll see if I can get her to come down.

217
00:13:25,327 --> 00:13:26,806
You all right?

218
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,284
Good afternoon.

219
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,244
-Where's Francine?
-I'm not sure.

220
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:33,887
Isabel, is Francine back
from casualty yet?

221
00:13:33,967 --> 00:13:36,163
What? What's happened?

222
00:13:36,247 --> 00:13:38,716
Don't worry. She's all right.
She got hold of a bit of broken glass.

223
00:13:38,807 --> 00:13:40,878
-Oh, Jesus!
-She's all right, I said.

224
00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:42,605
-In seclusion.
-Where is she?

225
00:13:42,687 --> 00:13:44,007
You can't see her right now, Eddie.

226
00:13:44,087 --> 00:13:45,885
-Tell me where she is!
-What's going on?

227
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:47,719
Is that where she is?

228
00:13:47,807 --> 00:13:49,286
Is it?

229
00:13:56,607 --> 00:13:59,758
-Just wanted to see her.
-I know.

230
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,396
Let's have a coffee, Eddie.

231
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:17,597
It's only a superficial wound.

232
00:14:17,687 --> 00:14:18,916
We think she found a shard

233
00:14:19,007 --> 00:14:21,567
from a lemonade bottle
that was broken last week.

234
00:14:21,647 --> 00:14:24,286
-Physically, she's fine.
-And...

235
00:14:24,927 --> 00:14:26,406
Otherwise?

236
00:14:33,447 --> 00:14:36,280
You're close to Francine, aren't you?

237
00:14:37,687 --> 00:14:39,086
Pretty close.

238
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:43,445
Well, for what it's worth, my advice
would be don't get any closer.

239
00:14:45,127 --> 00:14:47,721
She's a very disturbed woman, Eddie.

240
00:14:49,727 --> 00:14:53,561
Look, she was just fine
before that business with the kittens.

241
00:14:54,207 --> 00:14:56,517
How did they have to come in
like that and just take them?

242
00:14:56,607 --> 00:15:00,600
The kittens were sick, Eddie.
They died three days later.

243
00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:02,166
Would she have taken it that much better

244
00:15:02,247 --> 00:15:05,398
if she'd found them dead
in a locker one morning?

245
00:15:10,247 --> 00:15:12,204
This is her file, Eddie.

246
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:16,203
It tells a very sad story of ten years

247
00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:20,041
of admissions, sections, self-harm.

248
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:25,842
No one denies that she has lucid periods
during which she can be quite charming.

249
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:29,276
That's what we all work for.

250
00:15:31,207 --> 00:15:33,437
But they're temporary.

251
00:15:36,887 --> 00:15:41,438
I just thought I ought to let you know
what you're letting yourself in for.

252
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:47,921
Aye.

253
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:08,800
-What are you doing here?
-What does it look like I'm doing?

254
00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:11,481
The work Fergus did in here
is just fine.

255
00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:14,320
It doesn't need to be checked
by you or by anybody else.

256
00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,637
Look, I don't know
what you're talking about, pal.

257
00:16:16,727 --> 00:16:18,240
This is my radio station!

258
00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:20,045
This is a room in a hospital,

259
00:16:20,127 --> 00:16:23,916
and I'm trying to do a drop
of work here, so bugger off!

260
00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:28,360
-Eddie? Eddie, what...
-Bastards. Bastards!

261
00:16:28,447 --> 00:16:30,722
-Who's he?
-I'm not having this.

262
00:16:30,847 --> 00:16:32,838
I'll not have it!

263
00:16:35,447 --> 00:16:37,961
-I've got to talk to you.
-Eddie, I'm in a meeting.

264
00:16:38,047 --> 00:16:40,083
There's an electrician working
in the station just now.

265
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,806
That's the second one you've sent,
and I'm not having it.

266
00:16:42,887 --> 00:16:45,117
Fergus had a master's degree
in electronics.

267
00:16:45,207 --> 00:16:47,642
Has your guy got
a master's degree in electronics?

268
00:16:47,727 --> 00:16:51,641
He had a master's degree
in electronics and now he's dead.

269
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:55,403
-I'm sorry. Would you excuse us?
-Of course.

270
00:16:56,487 --> 00:16:59,843
Now, first of all, Eddie, the workman
you have in today is not an electrician.

271
00:16:59,927 --> 00:17:01,998
He is a carpenter.
And neither of them have been in

272
00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:03,646
to check up on Fergus' work.

273
00:17:03,727 --> 00:17:05,718
Then what are they doing in there?
They shouldn't have the keys.

274
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:09,402
Eddie, we need another
treatment room in Ward 11.

275
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:12,126
This has been clear for some time.

276
00:17:12,207 --> 00:17:15,404
And several locations on the ward
have been considered.

277
00:17:15,487 --> 00:17:17,637
-Including the radio station?
-Yes.

278
00:17:17,727 --> 00:17:19,684
And it was decided
at yesterday's board meeting

279
00:17:19,767 --> 00:17:21,565
that this would be
the most
appropriate site.

280
00:17:21,647 --> 00:17:24,366
I was going to tell you this afternoon.

281
00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:28,636
-Then we're finished.
-No.

282
00:17:29,287 --> 00:17:30,720
I think most of those present felt that

283
00:17:30,807 --> 00:17:33,401
a new site should be found
for the station.

284
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:35,796
As soon as funding allows.

285
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:41,916
-I feel dead reassured now.
-Eddie, in case you hadn't noticed,

286
00:17:42,007 --> 00:17:45,238
there is a cash crisis
in the Health Service.

287
00:17:45,327 --> 00:17:47,204
And when they cut back,
do you think they cut back

288
00:17:47,287 --> 00:17:49,961
on heart transplants and body scanners?

289
00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:54,916
They cut back on mental health
because no one really gives a damn.

290
00:18:01,087 --> 00:18:05,365
Now, Dr Winter is still very much
committed to the station,

291
00:18:05,447 --> 00:18:08,439
and I will help you all I can.

292
00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:10,598
But it is very difficult
to feel sorry for someone

293
00:18:10,687 --> 00:18:14,077
who so patently has brought
all this upon himself.

294
00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:23,479
How long have we got?

295
00:18:24,807 --> 00:18:26,240
About a week.

296
00:18:33,687 --> 00:18:37,726
# Oh, you beautiful doll
You great, big, beautiful doll #

297
00:18:38,967 --> 00:18:42,960
-So, what do you think?
-I'm speechless.

298
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:46,480
I have had a complete makeover.

299
00:18:46,567 --> 00:18:50,037
Sylvie in the flat next to mine
used to be a beautician.

300
00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:53,642
I'm living in a posh neighbourhood now,
so I thought I should make the effort.

301
00:18:53,727 --> 00:18:56,002
Are you not worried
about chemicals and that?

302
00:18:56,087 --> 00:18:58,886
Sylvie is an obsessive-compulsive
as well.

303
00:18:59,087 --> 00:19:01,999
If it's all right with her,
then it's all right with me.

304
00:19:02,087 --> 00:19:04,601
She is a genius, so she is.

305
00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:06,359
-What've you got in the trolley?
-My shopping.

306
00:19:06,447 --> 00:19:08,165
I've just been to the wee shop
down the road.

307
00:19:08,247 --> 00:19:09,965
I'll take it home with me tonight.

308
00:19:10,047 --> 00:19:11,685
Have they not got shops
in your new neighbourhood?

309
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:12,836
Oh, aye.

310
00:19:12,927 --> 00:19:16,124
Then would it not make sense to do
your shopping in the local shops?

311
00:19:16,207 --> 00:19:19,996
-Aye. But they won't serve me.
-What?

312
00:19:20,967 --> 00:19:23,845
They won't serve anybody from Hillcrest.

313
00:19:23,927 --> 00:19:26,726
Not the paper shop,
not the late-night shop.

314
00:19:26,807 --> 00:19:30,436
Even the local GP's a bit frosty
on account of him being

315
00:19:30,527 --> 00:19:32,040
Chairman of the Residents' Committee

316
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:34,482
for getting our
planning permission reviewed.

317
00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:37,241
You cannae stand for that, Rosalie.
You've got to tell them

318
00:19:37,327 --> 00:19:40,604
you're not going to take
any more of this crapola.

319
00:19:40,687 --> 00:19:44,077
Aye. That's what I told
the man in the paper shop.

320
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,636
But he told me to bugger off.

321
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,277
He swore at me, Campbell,
which I think was uncalled for.

322
00:19:50,367 --> 00:19:54,042
-You gonna ask them to move you?
-Move me? You're joking.

323
00:19:54,127 --> 00:19:56,357
I've got a bath and toilet
in the same wee room

324
00:19:56,447 --> 00:19:59,564
and a washing machine
on the premises and a microwave.

325
00:19:59,647 --> 00:20:01,604
Do you know what
a microwave is, Campbell?

326
00:20:01,687 --> 00:20:03,041
You put your dinner in,

327
00:20:03,127 --> 00:20:06,961
and then microwaves make
the wee molecules jiggle up and down.

328
00:20:07,527 --> 00:20:09,279
It's a bit like ECT.

329
00:20:09,607 --> 00:20:11,962
Eddie. What do you think?

330
00:20:12,527 --> 00:20:14,916
Jim said I look like a film star.

331
00:20:15,007 --> 00:20:17,396
Now one that had been
in the Betty Ford Clinic once too often,

332
00:20:17,487 --> 00:20:19,080
but a film star.

333
00:20:20,727 --> 00:20:22,604
You look very nice.

334
00:20:23,287 --> 00:20:25,005
What's up with him?

335
00:20:31,007 --> 00:20:33,123
-They're closing us down.
-How?

336
00:20:34,047 --> 00:20:35,526
They're turning this place
into a treatment room.

337
00:20:35,607 --> 00:20:37,404
That's how the workman was in here.

338
00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:40,320
We've got a week to pack up
and be out of here.

339
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:43,957
You mean I'll not be
station manager any more?

340
00:20:44,047 --> 00:20:46,402
-No.
-What are you talking about?

341
00:20:46,487 --> 00:20:49,047
We're not going to lie down
and play dead over this, are we?

342
00:20:49,127 --> 00:20:51,402
We've built something here.
When I go down the wards

343
00:20:51,487 --> 00:20:55,526
collecting requests, I'm a celebrity.
And you know how?

344
00:20:55,607 --> 00:20:59,157
Because we give folks a voice, and now
the hospital is telling us to shut up.

345
00:20:59,247 --> 00:21:01,124
What can we do?

346
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:02,766
We can declare UDI.

347
00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:05,043
We can turn ourselves
into an independent charity

348
00:21:05,127 --> 00:21:07,198
like most hospital radio stations
in the country,

349
00:21:07,287 --> 00:21:09,881
demand a site and then run the station
the way we want to.

350
00:21:09,967 --> 00:21:11,685
The only thing stopping us
is lack of dosh.

351
00:21:11,767 --> 00:21:14,122
It's also the only thing
stopping me paying my milk bill.

352
00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:17,085
So we stage a fundraiser
like we did before.

353
00:21:17,607 --> 00:21:19,962
I've got it. A radiothon.

354
00:21:20,087 --> 00:21:21,566
You mean like a telethon
without any pictures?

355
00:21:21,647 --> 00:21:23,797
Aye. We'll broadcast from 10:00
in the morning till 10:00 at night

356
00:21:23,887 --> 00:21:25,116
every day till we raise the dosh.

357
00:21:25,207 --> 00:21:26,925
We'll contact mental health charities,

358
00:21:27,007 --> 00:21:28,236
we'll enlist celebrity DJs,

359
00:21:28,327 --> 00:21:30,921
we'll ensure we get coverage
in every newspaper in Glasgow.

360
00:21:31,007 --> 00:21:34,045
Campbell, if my name appears
in the papers again, I'm out of a job.

361
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,198
Who cares? You're gonna go to lunch
with Paula on Monday.

362
00:21:36,287 --> 00:21:39,120
-You'll have another job.
-We don't know that, Campbell.

363
00:21:39,207 --> 00:21:41,721
She said she was going
to have good news.

364
00:21:41,807 --> 00:21:45,163
Have some faith, Eddie.
This is our moment.

365
00:21:45,247 --> 00:21:48,000
Then how do we need to save the station?

366
00:21:52,327 --> 00:21:55,399
This station isn't just
you and me, Eddie.

367
00:21:57,127 --> 00:21:59,243
I cannae come in with you, Campbell.

368
00:22:01,127 --> 00:22:02,447
Aye.

369
00:22:03,447 --> 00:22:04,641
Well...

370
00:22:06,287 --> 00:22:09,086
-You with me, Rosalie?
-Aye, I'm with you.

371
00:22:09,727 --> 00:22:12,162
Then we'll do it ourselves, Eddie.

372
00:22:14,287 --> 00:22:16,756
And I'll talk to Francine as well.

373
00:22:20,447 --> 00:22:21,801
Good luck.

374
00:22:31,967 --> 00:22:35,118
GRANDMA: Hurry, hurry, stupid boy.
I miss bus.

375
00:22:35,207 --> 00:22:37,039
Put some in left shoe.

376
00:22:37,127 --> 00:22:39,721
Granny, there's 300 quid
in there already.

377
00:22:39,807 --> 00:22:42,196
You'll be crippled
before you reach Poland.

378
00:22:42,287 --> 00:22:45,757
Oh, this is your fault.
How you no get bigger notes?

379
00:22:45,847 --> 00:22:49,044
-Here. Put some more in your bra.
-Too suspicious.

380
00:22:49,127 --> 00:22:52,756
Woman of my age with breasts
that sit up like hungry dogs?

381
00:22:52,847 --> 00:22:55,077
Put in stockings.

382
00:22:56,127 --> 00:22:58,323
Grandma, you cannae do this.

383
00:22:58,407 --> 00:23:00,443
You cannae just get on
a bus to Lithuania

384
00:23:00,527 --> 00:23:04,316
carrying £3,000 of hard currency.
It's too dangerous.

385
00:23:04,407 --> 00:23:08,366
In 1946, I travel in cattle truck
from displaced persons camp

386
00:23:08,447 --> 00:23:12,918
with nothing but stones in my pocket.
What could be more dangerous?

387
00:23:13,087 --> 00:23:15,362
Grandma, this is crazy.

388
00:23:15,447 --> 00:23:19,759
Ah! You stop that
or I put you in soup and eat you.

389
00:23:21,127 --> 00:23:22,845
I tell you what is crazy, Eddie.

390
00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:26,124
It's crazy for grown man
to keep useless animals.

391
00:23:26,207 --> 00:23:29,836
In Lithuania,
animals are to work or to eat.

392
00:23:30,047 --> 00:23:34,166
Now come along. We go to bus station.

393
00:23:37,727 --> 00:23:39,160
What's wrong?

394
00:23:40,527 --> 00:23:45,123
I don't know.
Just didn't think you'd really go.

395
00:23:45,207 --> 00:23:49,883
-I tell you. Many times.
-I know.

396
00:24:00,407 --> 00:24:04,764
This is it. You leave bags here.
I say goodbye now.

397
00:24:04,847 --> 00:24:07,202
-Grandma!
-What is it?

398
00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:13,606
-I may never see you again.
-You see me for 38 years. Is not enough?

399
00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:19,245
So, you want work radio?

400
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:21,079
-Aye.
-Then work radio.

401
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:23,966
But you must find wife
or you will be lonely.

402
00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:27,198
-Ask crazy one to be wife.
-I thought you didn't approve.

403
00:24:27,287 --> 00:24:32,202
To have you, lassie needs to be crazy.
And get rid of cats.

404
00:24:32,567 --> 00:24:36,640
If God meant us to live with animals,
he'd give us four feet.

405
00:24:41,447 --> 00:24:42,926
(SPEAKING LITHUANIAN)

406
00:24:52,527 --> 00:24:54,199
(REPLYING IN LITHUANIAN)

407
00:24:59,007 --> 00:25:02,682
(TICKET TO RIDE PLAYING)

408
00:25:26,127 --> 00:25:30,041
The time is 2:45 on day three,
hour number 29

409
00:25:30,127 --> 00:25:32,038
of the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.

410
00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:36,120
In 15 minutes, we're gonna have another
two hours of patients' party pieces,

411
00:25:36,207 --> 00:25:40,326
including Hector, who'll be doing
a selection of his best juggling tricks.

412
00:25:40,407 --> 00:25:42,239
That should certainly
be worth listening to.

413
00:25:42,327 --> 00:25:43,362
I'll be back again at 5:00,

414
00:25:43,447 --> 00:25:45,563
so keep sending me
your requests and dedications,

415
00:25:45,647 --> 00:25:49,766
but most of all, send us your dosh
and rescue our radio.

416
00:25:49,847 --> 00:25:52,759
-Sorry I'm late.
-So you should be. I've...

417
00:25:53,527 --> 00:25:54,801
What happened to you?

418
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,366
Jim came round
and we had a disagreement,

419
00:25:56,447 --> 00:25:57,516
but it's all sorted out now.

420
00:25:57,607 --> 00:25:59,200
-Jim hit you?
-No!

421
00:25:59,287 --> 00:26:01,517
Some wee boys came over the fence
and one of them started

422
00:26:01,607 --> 00:26:03,040
making faces at me through the window.

423
00:26:03,127 --> 00:26:06,563
So I went out, and we disagreed about
whether he was on my property

424
00:26:06,647 --> 00:26:09,161
and then about whether I was a loony
who should be locked up.

425
00:26:09,247 --> 00:26:10,919
And then he threw the stone,

426
00:26:11,007 --> 00:26:13,681
and we disagreed about whether I was
gonna let Jim throttle him or not.

427
00:26:13,767 --> 00:26:15,963
-The kid threw a stone at you?
-Aye.

428
00:26:16,047 --> 00:26:17,799
But I'm from Donegal.
When a stone hits your head,

429
00:26:17,887 --> 00:26:19,764
it's the stone that's in trouble.

430
00:26:20,927 --> 00:26:25,319
Hello, I wanted to volunteer
to do a party piece.

431
00:26:25,407 --> 00:26:29,924
-Aye. What you wanna do?
-I want to play my ukulele.

432
00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:31,600
That's a fiddle.

433
00:26:32,847 --> 00:26:34,246
It is?

434
00:26:35,047 --> 00:26:39,882
But you're welcome to play it tomorrow
at 6:15. Is that okay?

435
00:26:39,967 --> 00:26:41,764
Aye. 6:15.

436
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,156
-Don't forget your fiddle.
-My what?

437
00:26:45,247 --> 00:26:46,680
Your ukulele.

438
00:26:50,887 --> 00:26:53,447
-How's it been going anyway?
-Desperate.

439
00:26:53,527 --> 00:26:55,643
It's been like that all day.

440
00:26:55,727 --> 00:26:58,401
Loads of volunteers to sing
the Postman Pat theme

441
00:26:58,487 --> 00:27:00,319
in 11 different languages.

442
00:27:00,407 --> 00:27:04,082
But where's our celebrity DJs?
Where's our star interviews?

443
00:27:04,167 --> 00:27:05,441
Where's the bloody press?

444
00:27:05,527 --> 00:27:07,438
But the contributions
have been pouring in.

445
00:27:07,527 --> 00:27:09,404
They've been slipping them
under the door.

446
00:27:09,487 --> 00:27:11,842
And a whole load have
just arrived in with the post.

447
00:27:11,927 --> 00:27:16,125
-How much have we got so far?
-£97 and 27 pence.

448
00:27:18,487 --> 00:27:21,320
We may have to do
something drastic soon.

449
00:27:23,007 --> 00:27:25,726
A real restaurant, eh?

450
00:27:25,807 --> 00:27:29,766
No styrofoam boxes.
Not a clown in sight.

451
00:27:30,807 --> 00:27:34,322
-I'm glad you like it.
-You even get cutlery.

452
00:27:34,407 --> 00:27:37,206
I haven't seen a fish knife since my
second cousin married above her station.

453
00:27:37,287 --> 00:27:40,120
They had a sit-down wedding dinner
for over 100 guests,

454
00:27:40,207 --> 00:27:42,437
which included me, age nine,

455
00:27:42,527 --> 00:27:44,882
dressed in a suit I made
my holy communion in,

456
00:27:44,967 --> 00:27:47,322
which was by then
about two inches too short

457
00:27:47,407 --> 00:27:50,126
in the sleeve and the trousers.
They served fish with a fish knife.

458
00:27:50,207 --> 00:27:51,527
I'd never seen a fish knife before.

459
00:27:51,607 --> 00:27:53,882
Never even seen a fish that
didn't come out of newspaper before.

460
00:27:53,967 --> 00:27:56,322
I was incredibly nervous.

461
00:27:56,407 --> 00:27:58,557
-Are you nervous now?
-No.

462
00:27:59,927 --> 00:28:03,681
Aye. A wee bit.
But Campbell says it'll be okay.

463
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,725
If it's lunch, it's good news,
coffee, it's bad.

464
00:28:06,807 --> 00:28:09,924
You're not thinking
of ordering coffee, are you?

465
00:28:10,767 --> 00:28:13,406
Eddie, we've all had
a good listen to the show

466
00:28:13,487 --> 00:28:15,159
that you and Campbell did the other day.

467
00:28:15,247 --> 00:28:18,444
That was shite, I know. But we were
nervous. We could do a lot better.

468
00:28:18,527 --> 00:28:20,199
It was fine, Eddie.

469
00:28:20,287 --> 00:28:22,483
But as I said,
we'd have to wait for a slot...

470
00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:24,285
There isn't a slot. Yeah, I understand.

471
00:28:24,367 --> 00:28:27,006
No. There is a slot coming up,
as it happens.

472
00:28:27,087 --> 00:28:29,761
David Thompson is leaving
to take a job in London,

473
00:28:29,847 --> 00:28:32,282
and in considering a replacement,
we thought you and Campbell

474
00:28:32,367 --> 00:28:34,517
were the obvious contenders.

475
00:28:35,367 --> 00:28:36,687
Oh, Jesus!

476
00:28:38,327 --> 00:28:40,238
Jesus! You said it. Say it again.

477
00:28:40,327 --> 00:28:43,285
You and Campbell
were the obvious contenders.

478
00:28:44,487 --> 00:28:47,604
I have been waiting all my life
for this moment.

479
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:52,561
No matter what happens to me now,
my life has taken me to this moment.

480
00:28:52,647 --> 00:28:54,604
Eddie, I haven't finished
what I was going to say.

481
00:28:54,687 --> 00:28:58,441
Ah, there's a "but".
You are gonna order coffee.

482
00:28:58,527 --> 00:29:02,600
Eddie, I made a very strong case
against this view.

483
00:29:02,687 --> 00:29:05,964
But looking at the whole
of the week's programming,

484
00:29:06,047 --> 00:29:11,645
it was felt that it would be better
if the Gold Show remained a solo slot.

485
00:29:11,727 --> 00:29:14,765
Oh, no, no. You're not gonna do this.

486
00:29:14,847 --> 00:29:16,918
You just wanna get rid of Campbell
because he's manic-depressive.

487
00:29:17,007 --> 00:29:18,566
-That's not it, Eddie.
-But you just don't want to have

488
00:29:18,647 --> 00:29:21,241
a loony on your staff.
No. No, no.

489
00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:25,002
If you want me, you're gonna
have to take Campbell as well.

490
00:29:25,767 --> 00:29:27,963
It's Campbell we want, Eddie.

491
00:29:53,927 --> 00:29:55,076
Eddie?

492
00:30:00,287 --> 00:30:04,041
-You look terrible.
-Aye. I had a few bevvies last night.

493
00:30:04,127 --> 00:30:06,880
-Do you mind if I make some coffee?
-Aye, it's through there.

494
00:30:06,967 --> 00:30:08,924
There's no milk, though.

495
00:30:14,287 --> 00:30:16,722
The radiothon's dying on its feet.

496
00:30:17,287 --> 00:30:19,119
Surprise, surprise.

497
00:30:19,207 --> 00:30:22,006
Builders are supposed to be coming in
at 2:00 tomorrow.

498
00:30:22,087 --> 00:30:24,886
And if we're not out of there by then,
they're gonna throw us out.

499
00:30:24,967 --> 00:30:27,322
So we've decided to occupy the station.

500
00:30:27,407 --> 00:30:32,083
Campbell, have you finally
really lost your mind?

501
00:30:32,167 --> 00:30:35,682
-Who's going to occupy it?
-Me and Rosalie.

502
00:30:35,767 --> 00:30:38,441
-And you, I hope.
-No chance.

503
00:30:38,527 --> 00:30:41,280
Eddie, I've thought it all out.
It's the only way to save the station.

504
00:30:41,367 --> 00:30:43,324
I've told all the newspapers.
They're all gonna be there.

505
00:30:43,407 --> 00:30:46,319
We are gonna turn this
into a front-page incident.

506
00:30:46,407 --> 00:30:51,402
Campbell, I've told you,
I don't want to make the front page.

507
00:30:51,487 --> 00:30:53,956
What I want to do is keep my job.

508
00:30:54,047 --> 00:30:55,560
Eddie, you built that station
from nothing.

509
00:30:55,647 --> 00:30:58,366
How can you let that slip away
without a fight?

510
00:30:58,447 --> 00:31:01,564
Because I've got bills to pay.

511
00:31:01,647 --> 00:31:05,879
Electricity bill, gas bill, phone bill,

512
00:31:05,967 --> 00:31:08,845
which my dear grandmother
managed to run into three figures

513
00:31:08,927 --> 00:31:12,442
before going off to Lithuania
with every spare penny I had to give.

514
00:31:12,527 --> 00:31:16,441
And because, although I have lost
more jobs in my life

515
00:31:16,527 --> 00:31:18,598
than you have had manic episodes,
Campbell,

516
00:31:18,687 --> 00:31:21,679
I could make a lot of money now.

517
00:31:21,767 --> 00:31:25,681
I could get respect
for the first time in my life.

518
00:31:25,807 --> 00:31:28,242
Do you think I'm gonna give that all up
for the dubious honour

519
00:31:28,327 --> 00:31:30,398
of going down with my ship?

520
00:31:32,727 --> 00:31:35,526
Eddie, do you not see
that job's killing you?

521
00:31:35,607 --> 00:31:38,440
No, Campbell. My dreams.

522
00:31:41,607 --> 00:31:43,916
My dreams are killing me.

523
00:31:54,527 --> 00:31:56,996
So what did Paula say, then?

524
00:31:59,127 --> 00:32:02,677
She said there's a slot coming up
and they want you to take it.

525
00:32:02,767 --> 00:32:07,124
-You mean they want us to take it.
-No. They see it as a solo slot.

526
00:32:07,207 --> 00:32:08,720
-I'm not going to take it.
-Campbell, take it.

527
00:32:08,807 --> 00:32:11,276
We'll keep at it, Eddie, contact
some other stations. Do another demo.

528
00:32:11,367 --> 00:32:14,518
Campbell, do you want to end up like me?

529
00:32:14,607 --> 00:32:17,997
Take the job! For yourself.

530
00:32:22,127 --> 00:32:24,004
For Fergus, eh?

531
00:32:29,527 --> 00:32:33,759
I promised Paula I'd make you take it.
I don't want to break my word.

532
00:32:37,527 --> 00:32:41,839
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I've got to go to work.

533
00:32:47,687 --> 00:32:51,840
This is Campbell Bain, and it's D-Day
for the St Jude's Hospital Radiothon.

534
00:32:51,927 --> 00:32:53,520
That's "D" for "desperation day"

535
00:32:53,607 --> 00:32:59,045
because we are still
£2,856.53 short of our target.

536
00:32:59,487 --> 00:33:00,886
So this is it, loonies.

537
00:33:00,967 --> 00:33:03,003
If you've got a rich uncle,
then today's the day

538
00:33:03,087 --> 00:33:05,806
to remind him of that filing clerk
he once took to Blackpool,

539
00:33:05,887 --> 00:33:07,719
the name of the cheap hotel
where they stayed

540
00:33:07,807 --> 00:33:09,878
and the type of barnyard animal
that was involved.

541
00:33:09,967 --> 00:33:14,040
We are here for you, loonies,
and we're not going anywhere.

542
00:33:24,447 --> 00:33:27,883
I'm afraid I'm authorised to offer you
the discount today and today only.

543
00:33:27,967 --> 00:33:29,287
How's that?

544
00:33:29,367 --> 00:33:31,927
Well, the special promotion
we've been running in your area

545
00:33:32,007 --> 00:33:33,201
ends tonight at midnight.

546
00:33:34,367 --> 00:33:36,927
I think you should go down
to the radio station.

547
00:33:41,327 --> 00:33:43,159
The draughts from it
are completely out of order.

548
00:33:43,247 --> 00:33:45,079
Now me boys get asthma.

549
00:33:45,167 --> 00:33:47,636
You can put three bars of that fire on
and it makes no difference.

550
00:33:47,727 --> 00:33:50,799
Most of it just goes
straight out the window.

551
00:33:50,887 --> 00:33:52,116
With Twinview windows fitted,

552
00:33:52,207 --> 00:33:54,323
your flat will be
50% more
energy-efficient.

553
00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:06,726
EDDIE: Well, I have got some work to do.

554
00:34:06,807 --> 00:34:09,879
I'll just sit here and do it
while you have a wee think.

555
00:34:12,647 --> 00:34:13,967
Rosalie!

556
00:34:17,967 --> 00:34:19,560
My man's a builder.

557
00:34:19,647 --> 00:34:22,400
It was his idea he'd
buy this place and fix it up.

558
00:34:22,487 --> 00:34:24,205
Only it never got done.

559
00:34:24,287 --> 00:34:26,881
A case of the shoemaker's kids
having no shoes.

560
00:34:26,967 --> 00:34:30,084
No, a case of the shoemaker
shagging his secretary.

561
00:34:30,167 --> 00:34:32,124
The loonies may not have
taken over the asylum,

562
00:34:32,207 --> 00:34:34,164
but they've seized control
of the radio station.

563
00:34:34,247 --> 00:34:37,717
This is Campbell Bain reporting live
from the hospital radio occupation,

564
00:34:37,807 --> 00:34:39,764
where we have locked ourselves
into the station

565
00:34:39,847 --> 00:34:43,840
and have refused to stop broadcasting
until our future is assured.

566
00:34:43,927 --> 00:34:46,885
So talk to your friends, your relatives,
your voices.

567
00:34:46,967 --> 00:34:49,402
Hospital radio must survive!

568
00:34:49,487 --> 00:34:51,205
(ALL CHEERING)

569
00:34:52,967 --> 00:34:55,003
He disappeared last summer,
took everything,

570
00:34:55,087 --> 00:34:59,479
including my wee boy's piggy bank,
which I thought was a bit out of order.

571
00:34:59,567 --> 00:35:01,797
Money's tight, you see.

572
00:35:03,127 --> 00:35:07,086
Well, the Twinview Easy Finance Plan
means you can

573
00:35:07,167 --> 00:35:10,045
stretch out your payments
over five years.

574
00:35:11,687 --> 00:35:14,281
Aye, okay. It has to be done.

575
00:35:21,687 --> 00:35:24,645
-There's no hurry. I'll come back later.
-But the discount?

576
00:35:24,727 --> 00:35:28,766
No, I'm sure I can get permission
to offer it to you tomorrow or whenever.

577
00:35:28,847 --> 00:35:30,804
But I've decided now.

578
00:35:30,887 --> 00:35:34,437
Never-Paint Weather beater's
no good for you, hen.

579
00:35:34,527 --> 00:35:36,120
It will spoil the look
of the architecture.

580
00:35:36,207 --> 00:35:38,562
-Well, what about the Moderne?
-Even worse disaster.

581
00:35:38,647 --> 00:35:43,243
Look, I want to sign. I want this sorted
before the weather gets any colder.

582
00:35:46,567 --> 00:35:50,481
Your man's a builder.
Is there any putty about the place?

583
00:35:50,567 --> 00:35:54,799
-I don't know. Probably.
-Your glass is just loose.

584
00:35:56,847 --> 00:35:58,804
I'll fix it for you.

585
00:36:01,607 --> 00:36:04,121
(REVOLUTION PLAYING)

586
00:36:05,047 --> 00:36:09,040
Stuart, what are all these patients
doing in the corridor?

587
00:36:09,127 --> 00:36:11,277
Get them out of here.

588
00:36:11,367 --> 00:36:16,646
Why are they still broadcasting?
Can you not cut their electricity?

589
00:36:16,727 --> 00:36:19,878
Look, this is NHS property,
and I'm going to have to ask

590
00:36:19,967 --> 00:36:22,720
you and your friends
to leave here immediately.

591
00:36:22,807 --> 00:36:26,277
Wait! Home and Away is on
in the day room.

592
00:36:26,367 --> 00:36:29,439
Come on, does nobody want to
go and watch Home and Away?

593
00:36:41,727 --> 00:36:43,286
Francine.

594
00:36:44,767 --> 00:36:46,280
You're back.

595
00:36:53,887 --> 00:36:56,686
I was gonna visit you last week,
but you were...

596
00:36:58,367 --> 00:36:59,926
Somewhere else.

597
00:37:01,287 --> 00:37:04,006
We're gonna lose our station, Francine.

598
00:37:05,487 --> 00:37:08,445
The builders are
sitting outside right now,

599
00:37:08,527 --> 00:37:10,598
ready to tear it apart.

600
00:37:13,167 --> 00:37:15,476
I didn't want to be here, but...

601
00:37:16,767 --> 00:37:18,644
Here I am.

602
00:37:19,927 --> 00:37:22,123
I don't know what's going to happen,
Francine,

603
00:37:22,207 --> 00:37:27,202
except that by tomorrow,
I'm not gonna have a job,

604
00:37:27,287 --> 00:37:31,644
I'm not gonna have a station,
and I'm not gonna have you.

605
00:37:36,367 --> 00:37:39,006
I just wish I could talk to you again.

606
00:37:40,287 --> 00:37:42,562
CAMPBELL ON RADIO: That's
exactly what this is, a revolution.

607
00:37:42,647 --> 00:37:45,764
'Cause even now, the forces of sanity
are massing outside the window,

608
00:37:45,847 --> 00:37:47,918
armed with the full weight
of the Scottish Mental Health

609
00:37:48,007 --> 00:37:50,646
and Criminal Trespass Act.
But we can beat them, loonies,

610
00:37:50,727 --> 00:37:55,278
because you know what we've got? Pride.
We are loonies and we are proud!

611
00:38:02,327 --> 00:38:03,965
I miss you.

612
00:38:09,927 --> 00:38:12,726
(REACH OUT, I'll BE THERE PLAYING)

613
00:38:18,847 --> 00:38:22,044
They've called the police.

614
00:38:22,127 --> 00:38:23,526
Aye, thanks.

615
00:38:59,407 --> 00:39:05,437
You are trespassing on NHS property.
I must ask you to leave immediately.

616
00:39:05,527 --> 00:39:08,360
You're trespassing
on National Health property.

617
00:39:08,447 --> 00:39:11,485
I must ask you to leave immediately.

618
00:39:11,847 --> 00:39:13,804
(MUSIC GETS LOUDER)

619
00:39:23,767 --> 00:39:27,044
-Just cut them off.
-I've got to find the right fuse.

620
00:39:27,127 --> 00:39:31,041
You want me to cut off some poor sod
who's in the middle of his ECT?

621
00:39:39,367 --> 00:39:42,166
POLICE OFFICER: You're trespassing on
National Health property.

622
00:39:42,247 --> 00:39:45,398
I must ask you to leave immediately.

623
00:39:46,407 --> 00:39:50,241
If you do not leave immediately,
you will be arrested and charged.

624
00:39:50,327 --> 00:39:52,921
We're gonna be arrested,
we're gonna be charged!

625
00:39:53,007 --> 00:39:56,363
This is the most glorious day
of my life!

626
00:39:56,447 --> 00:39:59,678
-I think I may have found it.
-Just do it. Do it.

627
00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:12,441
(CROWD BOOING)

628
00:40:35,607 --> 00:40:37,803
(MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS)

629
00:40:43,247 --> 00:40:46,239
ROSALIE: Thanks for bailing me out.
JIM: No trouble.

630
00:40:46,327 --> 00:40:50,446
Oh, dear, an unspeakable act
has been committed on my front step.

631
00:40:50,527 --> 00:40:52,563
I hope that was a dog.

632
00:40:55,687 --> 00:40:58,998
Rosalie, let's just go home, eh?

633
00:40:59,087 --> 00:41:01,999
-I want you to come home.
-I can't.

634
00:41:03,767 --> 00:41:08,682
No strings. We'll just try again.

635
00:41:10,087 --> 00:41:12,237
If I go, they win.

636
00:41:18,007 --> 00:41:22,876
You don't really think Robbie died
because of the lettuce, do you?

637
00:41:22,967 --> 00:41:24,116
No.

638
00:41:26,287 --> 00:41:27,356
No.

639
00:41:28,687 --> 00:41:30,086
Me neither.

640
00:41:36,087 --> 00:41:37,884
"Arrested but not charged,

641
00:41:37,967 --> 00:41:43,201
"were Rosalie Garrity, a former patient
at St Jude's, and Edward McKenna,

642
00:41:43,287 --> 00:41:46,757
"a sales representative
for Twinview Windows,

643
00:41:46,847 --> 00:41:51,523
"who said that fundraising
to launch a new station would continue."

644
00:41:53,527 --> 00:41:57,042
MacAteer brought this to me
this morning.

645
00:41:57,167 --> 00:42:00,284
Well, what do you have
to say for yourself?

646
00:42:00,367 --> 00:42:02,039
No such thing as bad publicity, sir.

647
00:42:02,127 --> 00:42:05,278
Of course there's such a thing
as bad publicity!

648
00:42:05,367 --> 00:42:09,486
I told you to give up that station,
and you said you gave it up.

649
00:42:09,567 --> 00:42:11,922
You lied to me, McKenna.

650
00:42:12,007 --> 00:42:15,443
-I'm a salesman.
-You're no salesman.

651
00:42:15,527 --> 00:42:19,839
I knew from the moment you walked
in here you'd never make the grade.

652
00:42:19,927 --> 00:42:22,680
You're sacked, McKenna. Do you hear me?

653
00:42:22,767 --> 00:42:25,406
-Aye.
-Now get out of here.

654
00:42:30,887 --> 00:42:33,606
When do you want me to come and collect
the commission I'm still owed?

655
00:42:33,687 --> 00:42:36,998
-What commission?
-District council tender.

656
00:42:37,087 --> 00:42:40,876
McKenna, if memory serves,
I made the contact,

657
00:42:40,967 --> 00:42:44,005
I got the plans
and I negotiated the tender.

658
00:42:44,087 --> 00:42:46,601
What exactly did you contribute
to that deal?

659
00:42:46,687 --> 00:42:48,007
It was my tape measure.

660
00:42:48,087 --> 00:42:52,080
As you reap, so shall you sow, Eddie.
Do you know who said that?

661
00:42:52,167 --> 00:42:54,283
-No.
-Then guess.

662
00:42:54,367 --> 00:42:57,644
I don't have to guess.
I don't work for you any more.

663
00:43:06,727 --> 00:43:08,684
I'm really sorry, Eddie.

664
00:43:29,047 --> 00:43:30,560
Thank you.

665
00:43:32,287 --> 00:43:34,676
(HIT THE ROAD JACK PLAYING)

666
00:44:00,727 --> 00:44:02,240
CAMPBELL ON RADIO:
That was Hit the Road Jack,

667
00:44:02,327 --> 00:44:04,636
a special dedication to me,
would you believe?

668
00:44:04,767 --> 00:44:07,600
From an anonymous listener
in Bishopbriggs, who writes,

669
00:44:07,687 --> 00:44:11,441
"I know what you are. You should be
locked up and have your balls cut off."

670
00:44:11,527 --> 00:44:13,359
So Gold boppers,
write in to next week's mailbag

671
00:44:13,447 --> 00:44:15,040
and let me know what you think.

672
00:44:15,127 --> 00:44:17,357
Do you want me to be locked up
or just have my balls cut off?

673
00:44:17,447 --> 00:44:20,678
Or do you want me to be locked up
and have my balls cut off?

674
00:44:20,767 --> 00:44:23,725
This is Campbell Bain's Gold Show,
so don't touch that dial.

675
00:44:23,807 --> 00:44:25,798
Just let it be.

676
00:44:26,127 --> 00:44:28,436
(LET IT BE PLAYING)

677
00:45:03,367 --> 00:45:06,245
I don't think McTavish
is ever coming back.

678
00:45:08,047 --> 00:45:09,162
No.

679
00:45:12,567 --> 00:45:14,478
I hope she's all right.

680
00:45:16,927 --> 00:45:19,601
She's probably in somebody's kitchen
just now,

681
00:45:19,687 --> 00:45:22,156
wolfing down half a tin of Whiskas.

682
00:45:28,807 --> 00:45:33,324
There used to be this ginger cat who
hung about the school when I was wee.

683
00:45:34,687 --> 00:45:36,166
I called him Pogo

684
00:45:36,247 --> 00:45:38,636
on account of him being able
to jump straight up in the air

685
00:45:38,727 --> 00:45:41,560
if you held a bit of string
above his head.

686
00:45:43,447 --> 00:45:45,836
One day when I was walking home,

687
00:45:45,927 --> 00:45:49,124
Pogo was crossing the street
and a car hit him.

688
00:45:50,407 --> 00:45:53,160
The car kept going
and Pogo kept running.

689
00:45:55,007 --> 00:45:58,204
I ran after him
until he fell down in the grass.

690
00:45:59,607 --> 00:46:01,518
He was still breathing.

691
00:46:03,407 --> 00:46:06,524
I ran home and told Ma
we had to help him.

692
00:46:07,767 --> 00:46:10,884
She said, "Whoever he belongs to
will help him."

693
00:46:12,007 --> 00:46:15,284
I said, "But what if he doesn't
belong to anybody?"

694
00:46:16,327 --> 00:46:19,683
And she said,
"Then he'll just have to help himself."

695
00:46:21,887 --> 00:46:24,720
I went back and sat with Pogo
till he died.

696
00:46:26,487 --> 00:46:27,841
Ma came out looking for me

697
00:46:27,927 --> 00:46:31,442
and found me greeting my wee heart out
over this dead cat.

698
00:46:32,887 --> 00:46:35,925
She said, "What are you greeting for?"

699
00:46:36,007 --> 00:46:38,840
I said, "'Cause Pogo's gone to heaven."

700
00:46:40,807 --> 00:46:44,880
And she said, "Don't be daft.
Animals don't have souls."

701
00:47:00,367 --> 00:47:03,723
They're ripping up our station, Eddie.

702
00:47:03,807 --> 00:47:07,960
They're putting up cupboards and walls
where the windows used to be.

703
00:47:10,527 --> 00:47:14,236
-Then we'll build another one.
-How?

704
00:47:19,207 --> 00:47:22,882
I don't know.
We'll have to ask Campbell.

705
00:47:27,487 --> 00:47:29,922
And you'll be a DJ.

706
00:47:30,007 --> 00:47:33,045
And Rosalie will get a house.

707
00:47:33,127 --> 00:47:36,199
And I'll dance on the stage
at Covent Garden.

708
00:47:49,127 --> 00:47:51,436
I'm an alcoholic, Francine.

709
00:47:52,927 --> 00:47:54,247
I know.

710
00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:02,805
We can get better.

711
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:06,406
We can.

712
00:48:09,567 --> 00:48:11,717
All it's gonna take is time.

713
00:48:17,607 --> 00:48:19,678
(LET IT BE PLAYING)